Healing The Fragmented Parts of Ourselves
Healing the Fragmented Parts of Ourselves
Modern dating comes with a weird degree of complexity nowadays. What makes it more complex is that we have to deal with our own feelings of fragmentation and not feeling whole, and then have to relate to others who have their own fragmentation issues. Both parties in essence are on their own journey, and these journeys can either be complimentary or chip away at the relationship.
Many of us carry this sense of being broken into pieces, particularly after experiencing narcissistic relationships, intimate or otherwise. This essentially leaves us striving for a sense of wholeness and a more integrated self. We unfortunately rest many of our hopes on the “other” being the thing that is going to make us feel whole again, but all this does is keep us more removed from the work that we have to do on ourselves. The moment we completely accept that the work begins and ends with us, is the moment that we find ourselves back in a flow state.
It’s important for us to take a brief look at how fragmentation occurs for us, especially in the context of narcissistic relationships. The big question remains… how can we piece ourselves back together to feel whole again?
Fragmentation and This Idea of Wholeness
Human beings are naturally multifaceted. We embody various roles and identities, and sometimes, these aspects of ourselves can feel disjointed. This is especially true when we’ve received so many different variations of what is the way we are meant to be from our primary care givers and the social settings we are conditioned into. This sense of fragmentation often stems from past traumas, unresolved conflicts, and the pressures of modern life. Wholeness, on the other hand, is about integrating these parts into a cohesive sense of self. It’s about recognizing and accepting all aspects of who we are, including our flaws and vulnerabilities. A problem I find here is that we only start looking at the integration of these parts when something triggers us such as a traumatic event. If we could make one small mindset change here, it would be introducing psychoeducation into our daily routines.
Narcissism and Fragmentation
Narcissism simply put can be seen as a manifestation of a fragmented self. Narcissists often project an inflated sense of self to mask deep-seated insecurities and fragmented parts of their identity. When we engage with narcissistic individuals, especially in romantic relationships, their unconscious, egocentric behaviour can aggravate our own sense of fragmentation. This is especially true as a narcissistic encounter can mean one of two things. Either our resolve is being tested and we are needing to have this encounter so that we can assess how firm we are in our development and trusting in ourselves and the second is that it is an illustration of how boundaryless we are and fragmented we are, and needing to truly look at what needs to be adjusted.
Without a grounded sense of self, it’s easy to become entangled in their web, losing touch with our own identity and needs. We are ultimately needing to assess what we need to do to arm ourselves in defence and offence to prevent these kinds of interactions from snaring us into their control. This is an additional reason why we need to do the work on ourselves as it mitigates the risk of being caught.
Fragmented sexuality is another significant aspect of this issue, and especially relevant in these types of relationships. It refers to the disconnection between our sexual self and our overall identity. When our sexuality is fragmented, it can manifest in various ways, such as feeling disconnected during intimate moments, experiencing shame or guilt about sexual desires, or having difficulty forming healthy sexual relationships. This fragmentation impacts not just our sexual experiences but our overall sense of well-being. When we encounter someone who is on the narcissistic spectrum, we experience a surcharge of connectedness with our sexuality and this is because this person has a remarkable ability of seeing us. This is one of the superpowers of the narcissist. They truly do see us. And when we have felt so disconnected from ourselves and especially our sexuality, we encounter an almost immediate re-connection to the self. But the problem is that we become sacrificial lambs to the narcissist as they know full well the power they yield over our sexual self.
Impact on Sexual Flow States
A fragmented self can significantly influence our ability to experience sexual flow states. Sexual flow states are those moments during intimate moments where we feel completely present, engaged, and connected with our partner or ourselves. Sexual flow states are not just in connection to others but are more of a reflection of where we are within ourselves sexually speaking. When we are fragmented, it’s challenging to achieve this state because parts of us are not fully aligned. This misalignment can lead to performance anxiety, lack of satisfaction, and a general sense of disconnection in our intimate lives.
This is an area where I could bet my bottom dollar that is neglected by most people. It’s sad because we don’t truly understand the importance of being aligned with our sexual self and how this part of our lives can only serve to magnify connection, progress and flow. What is also very important when exploring sexual flow states is recognising that when we become more aligned in this space, we also become more aware of what we desire with clarity. We learn the necessary language of boundaries and how to assert these boundaries. We become more attuned to the inner landscape that is our emotions and how to be truly in rather than trying to escape at all cost.
Reintegration and Healing
Healing from fragmentation involves a process of reintegration—bringing the fragmented parts of ourselves back into harmony. In order to do this we have to be more aware of all the moving parts. Without at least some insight into this we are just floating around waiting for something to happen and this is usually life that happens. By introducing some introspection, therapy, and a more conscious effort to rebuild our sense of self we can soon be on this journey and once again experience some sense of flow.
Here are some things I’d suggest to get things moving:
1. Self-awareness: Practice recognising and acknowledge the fragmented parts of yourself. By journaling and integrating a body practice like yoga or mindfulness, you’ll soon understand that the body needs some work. The work is basically just becoming aware and listening to what your body is communicating.
2. Therapeutic Support: This can be anything with a therapeutic focus. What I mean by this is the need to connect to anything that brings us a sense of helping us understand and connect with the blockages we may feel on a mental, physical and emotional level. This is the triangle of blockages that I mention often in my teachings. If you find the right people to help you process these three areas, the more available you will become to be supportive of yourself and experience support. If all else fails, go see a therapist!
3. Healthy Boundaries: Most of us don’t even know what healthy boundaries are. This is why I emphasise the importance of connecting with your sexuality and truly understanding what a sexual flow state is. Without it we just fall victim to our lack of boundaries and this is when we allow the wrong kinds of people into our lives. Learn to set and maintain boundaries to protect your sense of self from further fragmentation.
4. Self-compassion: This is one area that I also find lacking in many peoples general practice. There is an irony with compassion… We are able to show compassion to others but when it comes to ourselves this is where we lack in this ability. I also start with questioning my criticisms of myself. If I am playing in the space of “not good enough”, what is the gentle approach that I can take to become or at least feel good enough. All of these core beliefs are just a stepping stone into doing something differently or practicing something new with consistency. We do not have to overcomplicate things, especially when it comes to forgiveness. Take things slowly but be consistent.
The whole process of understanding fragmentation is a bit of a shock to the system. It’s a shock because the manner in which I see fragmentation is like this. We find ourselves growing up in households where we encounter people who are quite ego-centric and even narcissistic. These individuals I describe as already being fragmented because they do not know who they are and they are so terrified of the world finding out how deeply vulnerable they are that they create this ego driven persona. We interestingly in comparison do know who we are but because we are only coming to grips with who and what that is, we meet the world with uncertainty. We meet an ecosystem of people who are constantly projecting their shit onto us which shapes our narrative around the manner in which we see the world. Our vulnerability works against us here, because we start to turn the volume down on our inner voice and begin to listen to the logic and reason of other people who are fragmented. This has a natural impact in that it slowly but surely chips away at our trust in ourselves and we begin to mirror the people that are in our ecosystem. In many ways this is unavoidable and forms part of this empathic process where I find many empaths experience the same process, but remain stuck until they find the courage to face up to their own fragmented self. However, once this process starts to take shape we become unstoppable.
We ow it to ourselves to reclaim our identity and by doing the necessary work this becomes an inevitability which we all deserve. We deserve to live our truth and truly embrace life.
