Human-are-space-orcs

[stormy-river]

Transcripts from the Humanity Hotline 5

This one's been a long time in the making; had to make sure I did it right. Special thanks to @mothepissedoffmidget for the idea, and my roomie, @starryeyedlarkspur for helping with the advice.

-------

Operator: "Hi, thank you for holding. My name is Mindy. How can I help you today?"

Caller: "Yes, hi! I'm Nishel, the EMO [Entertainment and Morale Officer] on my ship. We hired a human about a month ago, and I'm struggling to keep up. Is it normal for humans to tire of activities so quickly?"

O: "That depends on the human, and the activities. Could you tell me a little more?"

C: "Yes. When we hired the human, she brought books and knitting supplies to entertain herself, which I though was helpful, but after a day or two she requested some puzzles. I was able to approve and acquire some fairly easily, but the human returned only a few days later asking for scrapbooking materials, and, well, the same thing happened. Over the last month, I've acquired puzzles, scrapbooks, a climbing wall for the gym, locks and a lockpicking set -- that one was a hassle to get approved, more knitting supplies, crochet supplies (I don't even know how that's different from knitting?), painting supplies, face painting supplies (again, I don't know how that's different), strange plastic bricks that fit together, and a violin. And that's just what was approved. I've also heard from the crew that she's downloaded more books, started writing stories on her personal computer, and started learning how to write programs, and yet, with all these things, she told me this morning that she has nothing to do and was bored. I don't know what else to do. I've spent 78% of this year's entertainment budget this month!"

O: "That's a lot. Some humans have a few different hobbies at once, but usually not that many. Do you have access to crew psychological evaluations?"

C: "Yes, when necessary for morale concerns."

O: "Is there anything in the human's file?"

C: "It says Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, which is also something she's mentioned a few times, but that's tagged for possibly interfering with work, not morale."

O: "ADHD would explain it. It shouldn't only be tagged as work-related as it can actually affect a human's whole life. This is another human thing that's different for everyone, with some hyper-fixating on one thing for a really long time, or different aspects of a single subject, and others, like your crewmember, gaining and losing interest in many different things very quickly."

C: "So this will keep happening? I can see about increasing the budget for next year, but I don't think this is sustainable long term."

O: "Don't panic, there's actually a cheaper method. Communicate with other ships and supply stations with humans on board to see if they are having a similar problem. If you can find others who get and lose hobbies quickly, you can trade the supplies; give them what your human is done with, and receive their extras for her. This will also have the extra benefit of building social connections as they discuss and trade."

C: "That makes sense. It would take a lot of coordination, but I can start asking the nearby fleet."

O: "Good. I will also send a report to the Alliance to see if something can be officially established. Is there anything else I can help you with today?"

C: "No, thank you, Mindy. You've been a great help."

O: "Of course. Don't hesitate to call again if something else comes up."

End Transmission

Transcription Note: Following this call, the Alliance established the Hobby Interfleet Trade Service, now the Interfleet Surplus Exchange (ISE), commissioning a fleet of delivery ships to shuttle supplies.

[saorlasdraft]

Humans are weird

Cause of death: Old age

Imaging if Aliens don't age past like 50 or they figured out how to stop ageing. Like do you ever wonder if ageing is a universal thing?

Alien: Friend Human, I am fascinated by this Mozart musician. You say he performs with a live orchestra, do you reckon when will be his next?

Human: What...oh sorry, he died about a hundred years ago. I can find some bands who plays his music, if you want?

Alien: died? Was he fatally injured or... murdered?

Human: oh, no! As far as I know he died of old age.

Alien:...old age. You mean to say Humans die after a long time?

Humans: um, yeah? I mean why do you think we say 'YOLO' all the time?

Alien: Then how old do human's normally...pass away?

Human: We live, give or take, 80 years.

Aliens: JUST 80?! BUT THAT'S SO YOUNG! AND YOU'RE ALL SO RECKLESS!!

Human: Hey man...you only live once

[vs-space-orcs]

Alien crewmate: Everyone thinks you guys are so cute, but they forget you're venomous. Humans are something else.

Human: Fun fact we aren't technically venomous, we just have so much bacteria in our mouths that most human bites get infected.

Alien crewmate, horrified: I preferred when I thought you were venomous.

[ixylle-d-from-the-stars]

“You forget”

Okay but consider, aliens thinking humans are only surviving on our death world because of our machines since we don’t really have any natural advantages? Eg we don’t have tusks, fur, or anything else that aliens might think one needs so they make fun of humans. but that one alien who has gotten stranded on death worlds or even on some places of earth, and know we don’t technically need advantages or machines… (this is just me explaining things needlessly probably over explaining. its completely self indulgent bc i find humans funky and like explaining things :D)) The bar is loud, different species mingling, laughing, trading stories. In the back of the loud, hot as hell bar is a large group of Pilgrophams, huge, thick skinned species with bald heads and tusks, laughing, sloshing yalagran in their cups (also known as beer across many species) A few other species are there, a Swelvie, lean and muscular, with long talons and sharp carnivores teeth, and a long demon arrow tail. 3 or 4 Grublirgs, squat things with scales and powerful jaws, hands, and even harder fists, small spikes all across their back. “See thats where your wron’ Nakatachie, the humans could never survive without their precious little machines. photon blasters and what was it… bombs?” The Pilgropham laughs, sounding guttural. The group around him laughs as well, but not one lone being, squashed in the corner. A Frilgrettin, one of the smaller extraterrestrials, but, they have claws and poisons that could kill most species instantly. “They are deathworlders Potoki, don’t be fooled by their soft flesh” the Frilgrettin looks up at Potoki, the snide Pilgropham it seems, face serious. “Aren’t we all little Frilly? Where are their tusks? Their scale or fur or talons, hell, where are their poison tails?” The ogre like being says, thinking he made a point. The frilgrettin, called Brouve, chuckles. “Humans, do not need those things to survive.” “And how would you know?” Someone chimes in from the crowd of listeners. Brouve chuckles again. “I got stranded on XT-fl-1, 9th galaxy, with a pair. I would know” Some of the species around Brouve hoot, but most scoff. “Impossible. A human of all species would not be able to survive an 1 classified planet, much less one in the ninth galaxy.” The one named Potoki says, not buying it. Brouve raises an eyebrow at him, lifting his tail to reveal several poison glands missing. Further up his body, is covered in burn and cold scars from the 1-class planet. “Then I must be a ghost because I sure as void would be dead without those humans” More scoffs and outright laughs. Potoki, who seems to be some sort of leader of the group, being the biggest, goes to speak again but Brouve raises one of his appendages. “Now, you, are going to voided listen, because I’m about to tell you some shit that apparently, is not only common knowledge, but easily practised and conditioned on the humans Planet” The beings around him scoff, but its clear Brouve have their attention. Potoki crosses their arms. Brouve stretches the silence, thinking back to the 4 cyclings, or weeks as the human had said they spent on that hell of a planet. “first off, you must know humans have… other senses. Not only the semi standard of sight, hearing, touch, tasting and smelling.” “Humans, have several more obscure senses from what I could tell.” “She called it, her danger sense, watching sense, weather sense, and… common sense. We will get back to the rest later but first…” “A human’s danger sense, is the ability to sense danger, to an extent. For example, The human knew of predators near by simply by something she said was a ‘gut feeling’, which apparently humans fall back onto this feeling quite a lot, using it for most of their non-physical senses” Brouve took a swig of his beer, relishing in the way the large group had simply gone quiet to listen to him. “There were apex predator, ones even my venom could not take down- mind you, I’m not able to take humans down with it either. Their ‘immune system’ stops me from causing them any biological harm that way- and the human would simply know when it wasn’t safe. Jade would get up in the middle of the night, rushing us away for no identifyable reason, Mark- that was the other one’s name by the way- agreed, even if all she had done was mutter a few words in their native language, claiming something was coming when nothing had even changed. Neither were never wrong however, not when hideous, blackened, dangers creatures would stroll through our camp the other human had set up in the span of a day, maybe two.” Brouve took another swig of his drink jaw clenching. “They saved my life you know, mid attack. Humans are fast. Very fast. They simply outran the creatures and dangers after us” Brouve blinks the flashes of danger from their eyes, trying not to get sucked into the dark memories.  After a minute or so, before they lost the people’s interest, they started speaking again. “And a watchers sense, as mark called it. It’s kinda like the danger sense, just slightly varying.” “Humans can detect when something is watching them, from afar, or close by, hidden or not. Apparently,  yet again, they can ‘feel your eyes on them’ and even sometimes identify semi exactly where the stare was coming from.” Potoki scoffed, but they were about the only one, and it sounded forced. Like they believed Brouve but didn’t want it to seem that way. Acidic venom stung Brouve’s eyes, the flashes coming back more intensely, fear boiling his cold blood, and her wipes away the tears, determined no tto cry in front of everyone here in a packed bar “And- and weather sense.” “Their bodies physically react to changes in atmosphere, alerting them of weather changes and if it could potentially be dangerous” “A squeezing in their knee, sudden and certain sensations or pains, anything, sometimes changing depending on humans” Wide eyes filled with awe and admiration filled everyone’s faces, even Potoki seemed in amazement now. Although quickly burying it with a facade of skepticism. “Eh, you seem to know a lot, sure you didn’t just pick that up as some folklore, maybe a little white lying here and there?” The ogre jabbed. “I was on planet  XT-fl-1 for 4 cycles, with virtually nothing to do other than survive. We traded stories and they answered my questions, and jsut because your planet was mostly domesticated and you probably grew up in a nice 9th-class planet, doesn’t mean you can take away from humans. if you don’t believe me you can void off” Brouve stood up, walking away, some following, some staying as Potoki went green in the face but tried to laugh it off. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Alr what do you guys think :D guve me suggestions ideas and hc’s to write about as well plsss-

[garcavisconde]

“Humans are such a pathetic little thing”, the Ambassador of Elriene said, on her all-mighty, echoing voice. “Always trying to show off, to look better than the pathetic, soft, flesh creatures they truly are”.

The flames of the broken ship were getting bigger, hungrier, consuming whatever they could. A precise, surprise attack to get more treasures.

The Ambassador played with the crystal ball on her hand, watching as it glew with sunlight. All the aliens below her lowered their eyes, terrified of her wrath. For the Ambassador, this was all but another day of work, conquering and taking everything the Land of Elriene deemed below them. And she was their terrifying, beautiful beast.

“Humans are a plague”, she said, sounding like a whisper. “A crooked, evil plague. They take what they want, they leave sickness behind. They do not care about any of you, for their greed is far stronger than any sense of love. You are all lucky for having me there; otherwise, your little humans would for sure destroyed you in order to survive this deathworld you crashed in”.

Then, like she wanted to make her cruel joke come to a conclusion, she turned to one of her guards. He immediately grabbed one of the three humans that were lying on the ground, tossing him to the Ambassador’s front.

The earthling whispered curses as he raised his head, staring into her cold eyes.

“Pathetic thing”, she said. “What are you going to tell me? That deep down, you humans are all good? Or, mayhaps, that even if you are indeed cruel, you still chose to be good, to be better?”

The man blinked. On the other side, the crew watched with horror, not being able to do anything else but pray that a miracle would happen.

He took a deep breath, then. The Ambassador always made sure to show everyone in the entire Universe of the last words her enemies would say, making sure that even the brighest cry of hope sounded more like a pathetic whimper of a fool.

“No”, the human whispered.

“Oh?”

The Ambassador was smiling. Of course she was; she had won. No human survives the anger of the Land of Elriene.

“I was going to say that you’re a moron and that I’m going to hunt your ass down to the ends of the Universe.

But all humans made sure to make a spetacle.

“You… What?”

She was more annoyed than surprised. That whole ideal was like a vermin being annoying to the good, righteous gardener, who always worked hard to keep the place clean and beautiful.

“Can’t understand something simple like being called a moron?”, he added, smiling menacingly. “Damn, your guards must pity you so much, they can’t even say something as obvious as that. Sorry for them”.

“What an interesting insect we have here…”.

“I’m a mammalian, actually. Weren’t you a human hunter? You kind of need to know this sort of stuff”.

“Careful, Brian!”, a second human, Dominique, rose their voice, dark eyes gleeming with delight. “I don’t think she can understand that. Her planet doesn’t have many mammalians”.

“Oh, sorry for that, girl”, Brian procceeded, apologising with a head nod. “Human education is kinda different. I thought that, since you hated humans so much, you would know more”.

The Ambassador looked at the two… Gremlins. Yes, the precise word! Bad, nasty, pesky gremlins! She raised her head, too disgusted to look at them in the face: “I know what a ‘mammalian’ is. I simply did not comprehend just how stupid you could be. And here I was, actually being careful with my plans! Vermin like you-”

“Mammalian”, the third and final human, Antônia, corrected her.

“Vermin like you”, the Ambassador insisted. “Should die. Just like the way your planet died”.

“We brought Earth back, though?”, Brian asked. “That’s basic human history”.

“What if she can’t read human books?”, Antônia suggested. “Poor girl! You should get yourself a translator. They are really cool. I use one!”

“ENOUGH!”

The trio shut themselves, looking at the all-mighty, foolish Ambassador. With a skin glowing in pure blue, she floated to be above them all, tossing the crystal ball to one of her guards.

“Off with them”, was her order. “Get them out of my sights. Show these foolish ones our exterminating job”.

“Oh!”

Everyone turned to look at Dominique, who, tied up, jumped and rolled around until they could be in front of their fellow humans, pathetically trying to clap their hands.

“Me first!”, they asked.

The Ambassador rolled her eyes. “Shoot her in the arms”.

Brian could see the rest of their crew looking at them in horror. They whispered and begged for some kind of mercy, but the cruel Ambassador simply did not care. With the brevity of a blink, a shot was fired.

The aliens screamed. The humans did not.

“Uh…”, one of the guards whispered. “Ma’am… Isn’t human blood supposed to be a darker red?”

“Of course! W…”

Dominique shrugged, looking at their (prosthetic) arm splattered in the ground, a neon shade of red coming out of it, becoming strange, unusual tones as it spread around.

“Ma’am, Ambassador, girl, friend”, the human shouted. “Didn’t you know there is more than one type of human?”

“What?!”

“Yeah!”, Brian agreed. “There’s thirty-seven types of humans around”.

“What?!”

“Dominique here is kind of undead. They will rise from the grave and eat your flesh if you keep messing around with our crew!”, Antônia added, smiling. “Approach me, and I’ll tear your arms out with my silver teeth!”

She opened her mouth, showing shiny pieces of metal decorating her yellowed teeth, with a single string connecting them all. The Ambassador, never hearing of a basic thing such as braces, made a horrified, disgusting noise.

All the aliens from the Land of Elriene were allergic to silver.

“I-is that true, ma’am?!”, one of the guards asked their leader, horrified.

“N-no!”, but that did not sound like someone was sure of herself.

“AND I TELL YOU MORE!”, Brian shouted, awkwardly getting up. “Mess with me, and my ancestors are going to hunt you down even after death!”

“P-prove it, then”, the Ambassador said.

The man immediately made the most horrifying, awful, ear-shattering noise he possibly could, shaking his head around to immitate both an elrienean being mauled by a predator, and a person being possessed in an horror flick.

Brian jumped around, screaming and shaking himself, before throwing himself to the ground.

Like the vermin the Ambassador believed all humans to be, he crawled his way towards her, laughing.

“fooOooOoOOOLISH c RE aTURE”, he whispered. “dARES TO HURT OUR COMPANIONS?”

Dominique and Antônia blinked at their friend when the Ambassador kicked him in the face with a scream.

“Get out of me!”, she ordered, watching as Brian fell to the ground and…

Laughed.

“IF WE ARE VERMIN, WE ARE PARASITE. IF WE ARE PARASITE, YOU ARE OUR HOST”, he continued, ignoring Dominique awkwardly trying to hold him close. “AND WE ARE HUNGRY”.

The Ambassador screamed with horror, along all the guards. Antônia got up, showing off her (fake) silver teeth, and they all immediately started to run.

Dominique threw their prosthetic arm to the invader’s direction, warranting a scream. The Ambassador dropped the crystal ball, cursing as she ran away from the “possessed, daemonic parasite”, completely ignoring Brian coughing as he tried to recover from his own acting.

When the invaders escaped in their ship, everyone looked at the trio.

The humans smiled, of course, and shared a high-five.

“And that’s why you don’t mess with actors”.

—

Ko-fi | Commission Info

[justamanvibing-deactivated20240]

Ok so I know that there's this whole thing on Humans are space orcs about aliens being surprised on what we eat, like acidic food,etc.

But I've yet to see a post based on the opposite so what if they eat or drink stuff that we humans can't have and now it's our turn to be shocked.

Alien: Uhh still can't believe that you humans can eat all those things you call oranges,I mean that thing is filled with all sorts of acidic acids

Human: Well it's acidic to you and your species but not to us. I mean you have to have something in your diet that we humans can't eat right?

Alien: Hmmm let me think.I mean,the galactic cuisine menu on aboard is mostly edible to all species as it's meant to cut down on cost of having to order specific meals from all corners of the galaxy.And the drink you have hidden in your room doesn't count as I noticed it gets emptier every 7 cycles.

Human: What drink?I thought you were going to mention something I couldn't eat or drink but if it's in my room then it's most likely edible.Also where did you find this drink?

Alien: Well I found it in the storage areas along with all the cleaning supplies, figured it must be one of those alcoholic drinks you humans enjoy,just thought you hid it away from anyone else.

Human: Wait, you found it next to the cleaning supplies?Dude those are strictly cleaning supplies and plus I don't have any alcoholic beverages in my room!

Alien: Really?Well I had a taste of it and it was very similar to a drink I've had from back home.I had no idea that humans made it as well.Though the name was kinda weird.Why was it called 'Bleach'?

Human:

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

EXCUSE BUT WHAT DID YOU SAY YOU DRANK?!

[ichi-is-a-cat]

Sleep Delirium

Human sleep cycles are fucking weird sometimes and when you don't get enough sleep, shit gets funky.

How weird would it be for an alien to see a human ambling around in the middle of their sleep cycle trying to get ready for a day that hasn't started yet? Then the fact that pretty much anything the human would say to them would either be complete garbled nonsense or entirely irrelevant to the situation at hand.

And sleep walking would be interesting too, just some weirdo human doing weird shit at night and not remembering anything in the morning.

Alien, seeing the human walking weird when they're supposed to be sleeping: human, is something wrong?

Human 1, entirely out of it: don't put me in a corndog

Alien: what?

Human 1: I don't wanna be breaded

Alien: what in the shitting fuck are you talking about?

Human 2, running into the hallway tired as shit: I'm so sorry, he's a sleep walker

Alien: is he haunted?

Human 2: no-

Human 1: ghost corndog,,,

Alien: oh shit the human's haunted

[vampireapple]

Death Before Two Trips

Death Before Dishonor Two Trips

Humans are very stubborn

.  .  .

“What ‘cha looking at?”

Klikler squawked. “Human Steve!”

Steve waved. “Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you.” He moved closer to Klikler to get a better look at what was in front of Klikler. “What are these? They look like fuzzy orange logs.”

“Oh, its quiet fascinating. These are- don’t touch!”

Steve froze. “Why?”

“They’re toxic!”

“What’s toxic?”

Both turned to see James standing behind them.

“Human James,” Klicker greeted. “These are unique to this planet. They are comprised mainly of C8H10N4O2. As such, it is very toxic.”

Steve and James looked at each other, grinning. “Caffeine!”

“How much do you need to take back to the ship?” James asked. Caffeine logs were an absolute must. Maybe they could figure out how to grow them on earth?

Klikler looked at the specimens in front of him. “Ideally, all of them. However, each one contains dangerous levels of C8H10N4O2, approximately 300mg per log-”

Steve and James tried very hard not to snort at such a small amount. They knew it was dangerous to certain alien biology, but that wasn’t even two cups of coffee worth of caffeine.

“- so it will require personal safety equipment. Additionally, they are rather awkward, thus will require many trips to collect. We most likely will only have enough time to gather half of them.”

Steve gave Klikler a blindingly cheerful smile. “Don’t worry Klikler, we got this!”

The two humans played rock-paper-scissors, which Steve lost. He held out his arms as James started to pile on fuzzy orange logs.

Klikler watched in horror as more specimens were added. Soon only half of human Steve’s face was visible. Human James gathered up the rest of the specimens. Once all were picked up they started to head in the direction of the ship. He tried to offer a protest, knowing that it was useless. “Please, Human Steve, Human James, this is very bad! Your health-”

“Its fine,” Steve assured him, not pausing from his brisk pace. “We’ll absorb some into our skin, but most of that’s covered anyway. Shouldn’t be toxic.”

“But wouldn’t it be better if you took less trips?”

“Two trips are for the weak,” James stated derisively.

Klikler could only fretfully follow the two humans, hoping neither of them keeled over dead. The trek took less time than anticipated, as the speed of both humans increased. Human Jane was waiting for them outside the ship, frowning.

“Honey, I’m home!” Steve yelled. He tried to kiss his wife, but was unable to reach her due to how many fuzzy orange logs he was holding.

James laughed at him.

Jane was not impressed. “Both of you macho idiots go post those in the lab.”

“I bet I can lift more deadweight than you,” James said as they walked into the ship.

“Never,” Steve retorted.

Jane followed behind them, muttering to herself.

Klikler stood outside, wondering at the sanity of humans. Again.

.  .  .

AN: So, I looked up caffeine stats. According to the internet the recommended daily caffeine intake is 400mg. But, also, like, pure caffeine can be super dangerous and can lead to heart failure. Friend of a friend’s coworker was working with caffeine in powdered form, got some on his bare skin and had to be rushed to the hospital and stay overnight. But this is fiction and humans are crazy!

Also, I like making Steve loose at rock-paper-scissors. It’ll probably happen to my poor sunshine child again

[give-me-the-lamp]

Accents

It is easy to tell the difference between languages but even with the same language some have strong accents

Alien 1: Human why do you and Human 2 sound different yet you both speak the same language?

Human: well they grew up in a different part of the country

Alien 1: a short distance apart makes you sound THAT different?

Human: come on their accent can't be that strong

Human 2 busting into the room

Human 2: HAVE ANY OF Y'ALL SEEN MY MOTHERFUKIN HAT!? I CAN GO HORSE RIDIN WITHOUT IT

YEEEE HAWWW

[rosy-codex]

Humans are Weird: Diwali

(bc it's coming up soon and i really wanna get dressed up - also Sunidhi Chauhan came up on spotify randomly so why not; also italicized words' translations are in bold)

Alien, only recently acquainted with humans: *goes up to the human sleeping quarters and to the room second from the left, seeing the Do Not Enter sign on the door next to it*

*arguing voices inside*

Human 1: suno, I think green works better for the outer edges— ("listen" / "hey")

Human 2: shouldn't we use pink? we have more of that????

Human 3: but it looks like leaves *shakes head* kya keh raha hai bro? *laughs* (literally, "what are you saying"; casually like "are you serious")

Alien: *opens the door, curious*

Human 3: sTOP STOP STOP DON'T— *flings hands up toward alien in a "wait" gesture*

Human 1: DON'T YOU DARE MOVE—

Human 2: GET OUT OHMYGOD

Alien: *surprised* What—

Human 2: please just take a few steps back *looks at other humans*

Human 1: yeah we've worked really hard on this so...

Alien: *moves back a little* why is there colored powder on the floor?

Human 3: *a little annoyed* it's a rangoli. Diwali's coming up tomorrow - you didn't see the lights on Andre's doorstep? (rang = "color", goli / gol = "round")

Alien: no, i haven't gone to that part of the wing yet

Human 2: anyway, so yeah - as Mahek said - this is a rangoli, it's—a thing—an art thing—usually done in front of a house to...

Human 2: *turns to the other humans* guys I'm an ABCD, I forgot what my mum said about this

Human 3 (Mahek): *snickers* *to the alien* Pallavi was pretty dense before she came here, but i guess not much has changed

Human 2 (Pallavi): *inhales* i'm gonna put pink on the last bits, and then i'm gonna eat the rest of your kurkure (literally "crunchy"; a popular Indian snack, similar to cheetos)

Human 1: *interrupts* yea it's used to welcome Lakshmi-ji — goddess of wealth — into people's homes, you know, for good fortune (ji = a suffix term of respect for elders or gods)

Human 1: but since we're in—space... we're just doing it in front of our doors

Mahek: yea that's why I have the sign on my door, next to Krutika

Human 1 (Krutika): *nods at alien* pls don't step on it

Alien: *a little confused* I - I would never, it is quite symmetrical, it has perfect rotational symmetry

Pallavi: that's... kinda the point, it's... in the name. goli - round.

Alien: well - it is very beautiful. the Human Manual does not have this in the art section...

Krutika: no no you can update it after you have some pakora (also a snack - spiced fritters; the best thing on this hellish earth, look it up)

Mahek: *whips head around to Krutika* bro - which kind?

Krutika: ????? i mean???? i made some bread pakora??? there's some onion pakora too???????

Mahek: *grins* as long as we don't have chutney with them

Pallavi: *horrified* yOU EAT PAKORA DRY? AISE HI? (roughly - "just like that?")

Mahek: what no

Mahek: i have chai with them

Mahek: buddhu (casually "idiot" or "dumb" or "stupid", doesn't really mean anything too negative/insulting)

Krutika: so *turns to alien*

Krutika: you got some free time?

[rosy-codex]

Humans are Weird: Dreams (Part 2)

Part 1 here!

TW: monster blood/gore, violence, knives, animal violence, fire

"Alright. So, I've actually had this dream once before, back on Earth - that's another thing I forgot - recurring dreams are a thing."

Nora gulped, tapping her finger against the cup again. "So... it starts off with me on a cruise ship with my friends from school - high school, apparently? Haven't seen them in a long while. I'm somewhere near the back of the auditorium - we're all watching a play. The boys are on the opposite side of the aisle, and they're all dressed as the Av--uh, as Earth superheroes. The girls are dressed like they're going to a ball - all fancy with glittery makeup and stuff. Which--" she gave another humorless laugh--Gaxail had to suppress xer scales from shifting--"It's kind of sexist, now that I think about it."

She paused. "Wait, you've got plays and stuff in your world, right? Like movies--films, but in real life?" Upon xer assent, she continued.

"So for some reason, I'm looking in my bag for my phone - to try to tell the boys that we're here - even though they could literally just turn around and see us? Stupid..." Her manner became almost... xe couldn't describe it - the hair above her eyes jerked upward, and her mouth pursed slightly. It was more... animated - in a negative way? Xe would have to consult the Facial Expressions section later on...

"And then one of the boys' phones rang really loudly, so people started leaving the theater and I got all upset thinking that it was my fault (which... freaking... makes sense) so I went out onto the deck to get some fresh air, try and recover my senses--"

"Your nervous system can exit your body?"

"What? No, no, I mean--" she let out an exclamation suddenly, her teeth coming together, her fingers moving wildly and briefly resting on her chin in a fist (by the three suns above, xe could just barely remember seeing an image of a statue in the Manual) before splaying apart again. "I mean, I was so embarrassed I had to leave the situation--leave the auditorium. But that's not the worst part."

Gaxail had to suppress xer remark - It never seems to be with humans. "What happened then?"

There was a squelching sound and Gaxail actually flinched this time, all xer scales shifting upward at once. Xe looked straight at Nora, who swallowed again. The hair above her eyes - eyebrows, xe suddenly remembered! - was wrinkling again, the skin creasing. Xe could feel the heat emanate off of her body. "S--" she tried, her fingers rubbing against each other almost violently. "Uh--"

"You do not have to tell me if you do not want to," Gaxail ventured, in what xe hoped was a tone of human kindness.

"No, I have to. I have to. Just..." Her voice broke off in a whisper, and she shook her head and tried again. "So... there's people on a beach - sorry, the scene shifts - there's people on a beach running around, and my point of view is somewhere far away where I can still see each person... distinctly? Um, so they're running around, they're in a panic, because--" A grunting sound, and she lifted up a fist to her mouth. "Sorry. They're panicking because there's a giant... monster... near the shore? I can't explain it, but it looked exactly like an octopus, but it was huge. And pink, like a regular octopus, really. Huh. But..."

She inhaled and exhaled, pushing her fingers up her face until they reached up to her hair. "This is gonna sound really stupid... it's waving its tentacles around and stuff, like flailing? And three of its tentacles have really huge cleaver knives attached to them. And there's three really huge pigs running around the octopus - they're not pink, they look fully roasted, ready for some Christmas party or something - and the m--and the monster..."

Her fingers curled in her hair, and she quickly went to get some more water. Weakly, the light of the first sun filtered through the mess hall.

"Shit. Okay... each of the three knives... just - slams into the pig's heads, right between the ears. And each of the pigs just... falls onto their stomachs, and their eyes get replaced by X's - it's sort of an... Earth sign that something's dead."

She twisted the silver ring on her middle finger, swallowing again. "It was especially weird for me to see that - since I don't eat red meat," she added, almost as if she had not meant to say it but it spilled out of her but she couldn't care.

Gaxail had not realized how still xe was sitting - so shocked by this... night-mare xe was hearing. "Is this... what humans normally dream of? This is what happens when they sleep?"

She seemed almost relieved by the slight change in subject. "No, not this specifically. This was my experience. Other people might have different - worse - nightmares. I'm pretty sure there isn't a knife-wielding octopus on Earth.

"So, then... the octopus-monster lifts one of its tentacles to the shore where the people are running around and panicking... and..."

Her voice died out suddenly, and she rested her head on the table, groaning. "God, it's so stupid."

"You do not have to tell me more," Gaxail said almost mechanically, having a feeling that she was going to say it anyway.

She lifted her head, tilted her head to the side to produce some more cracks, and then said - quite outright, like one of the Human delegates in the Senate: "The monster lifted one of its regular tentacles and - sprayed the bits of the pigs on the people on the shore. And... it looked like mashed potatoes. So the people were left lying on the shore, with mashed potatoes on top of them. All neat and in a rectangle, like an army."

At Gaxail's silence, she jerked her eyebrows up. "What'd I tell you. It got worse."

Her voice was devoid of human emotion. Her fingers were shaking slightly, the full cup abandoned to the side. Her shoulders were tense and drawn up.

"And then," she continued after a pause, "the same tentacle sprayed fire on the people, and it baked the potatoes, and the people just screamed. Because they were getting... cooked alive. And I was watching the whole thing from a balcony." Her tone was - derisive, xe faintly remembered through the haze since it was such a unique word.

She closed her eyes briefly and opened them back up. "I remember waking up and... I couldn't tell for a solid five minutes if my eyes were open or closed. I couldn't move. So I tried to speak, my usual thing - my way of consoling myself, like I mentioned earlier. Tried saying stuff like my name is Nora. I am in my bed. I am warm. I'm pretty much as far away from the ocean as I can be. I'm safe. There's no monster. Clearly, uh - it didn't work, so I'm here."

Gaxail was still horrified from the image she had conjured - how great and how terrible the human mind could be.

Nora didn't know why she did it, or why she told xer that much, but she silently got up, found a bowl, and emptied the cup's contents into it, pushing it over to her friend.

She stood straight, tapping her fingers against each other.

"I shouldn't have - said that much. I'm sorry. I should've written it down. That's what I normally do. But thank you... for listening. And... it's fine if you want to put this in the Manual. I don't mind."

She paused, and then muttered something about going back to the sleeping quarters - she forgot to charge her phone last night.

With a nod and a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes, she left.

It took until the third sun's rising and xer Captain walking into the mess hall for xer to move at all, drinking the tepid water from the bowl.

And that's that! Phew, I didn't expect that much attention on my previous post. I started this account two days ago hehe.

(This was part of a very real nightmare I had, right before I had to give a big presentation - it happens often. I’ve omitted the rest since it would be too long and too trippy to explain… but I could put it in a Part 3! Again, I'd appreciate any feedback here! Anything about the human-alien interaction, or just in general!)

[rosy-codex]

Humans are Weird: Dreams

(first post in this tag!)

What if aliens didn’t have the concept of nightly dreams? They just… slept. Their minds didn’t conjure anything, but their bodies rested and recuperated for the next cycle.

“Human-Nora?” Gaxail looked over at the tall, brown figure who entered the mess hall.

She only glanced at xem briefly before grabbing a cup of water and sitting down on a bench, sipping slowly.

Gaxail sat down opposite her. “None of the three suns have risen, yet you are awake.”

Nora’s finger tapped against the cup. “I could say the same about you.” She looked up at xem.

Xe stared closely; something was off, but xe couldn’t tell what. Her facial orifice - mouth, xe corrected xemself - seemed to be more curved downwards than usual - what xe had read in the Human Manual as a “scowl.”

Nora inhaled - it was brief and audible, almost sharp - and looked back down at her cup. “Nightmare,” she said quietly. “Really bad this time.”

Night-mare? What was a night-mare? Xe wondered.

Xe voiced this to her, and her mouth formed a slanted line upwards - not a full smile, xe recalled, since the mouth-bones weren’t bared. “Well… okay, you guys haven’t heard of dreams yet. Basically…” she stopped to tilt her head to the side, squeezing her eyes shut—xe braced xemself—and several loud cracks and pops later, she returned her attention to the cup.

“Basically, dreams are… um, a phenomenon? No, uh, I can’t explain it—well, they’re a thing that happens in humans’ brains when they go to sleep. It’s like… I mean, you’ve seen a human film, right? The one that Mags - um, Magdalene - and I were watching?”

“Yes - but, Human-Nora… your brains are making films while you sleep?”

The trimmed hair over her eyes shifted and wrinkled. “Not… exactly? Um, I’m not a neuroscientist, but—”another sharp inhale. “Dreams are mostly based on what you’ve experienced in the day—in the cycle, sorry—when you’re awake. It’s… the brain’s way of filtering and processing the information and emotions you felt that day - cycle.” The hair over her eyes wrinkled more and xe could just barely catch the human curse word she uttered.

“…I see. You do not… entirely rest?”

“Well—uh—I mean, even if you have a dream, you can still wake up rested. But your brain is still running while you sleep.

“There are a lot of different kinds of dreams that happen depending on what you’ve experienced. My dream that I just experienced was a nightmare—it’s like a scary or… unpleasant dream. Sometimes people wake up from the fright really suddenly and can’t get back to sleep again, unless they try some stuff to… kind of, console themselves.” She went to go get another cup.

“And what was that night-mare? Was it based on your experiences?”

Her entire body convulsed for a second as she let out a short, humorless laugh - Gaxail nearly jumped in xer seat. “Hah—no. Not at all. I forgot to say, the brain processing emotions can bring up some really weird stuff. It’s probably because of—this. This whole thing. I’m in space. I don’t miss home anymore, but… I guess the stress is getting to me again.”

She sat back down, sipping. There was a silence.

“It normally helps after nightmares—well, in my case it helps—if I tell you exactly what it is. Exactly what happened.” Gaxail noticed her mouth turn downwards again, into the scowl xe had seen when she came into the mess hall.

A clicking sound came from Gaxail’s beaks, indicating that xe was curious.

She looked up at xem, her black-brown eyes strangely empty and lackluster in the cold light of the mess hall.

Slowly, torturously, she began her story.

Part 2 is right here! (I’d appreciate any feedback you could give me—I’ve read many posts like these but never tried it out myself lol)

[rosy-codex]

Humans are Weird: The Big Shiver™️

“…dude, it was so stupid - he was so overconfident that he advanced his marshal next—the biggest piece!—and it hit a bomb! It was just—gone! He barely made a dent in the enemy ranks.”

“What the hell? Wasn’t he winning?”

The reply came quickly, in between giggles - “Yeah, but after that happened—he just got up and sat on the couch and just went completely silent, he was so shocked. The other guy went nuts!”

A shout of laughter followed from both the girls as they rounded the corner of the hallway leading to the center of the spaceship, where humans and aliens alike were working or mingling.

The girls parted - Nora to the sleeping quarters, Mags to the mess hall.

Nora ran into Vulkith along the way down another hall. “Hey, man.”

“Hello, Human-Nora. I was wondering if I might ask you about the report on the ship’s recent departure from the Earth port. There seems to have been a spike in one of the tables that is affecting the rest of the data.”

“Well, we’re still in orbit. What’s the sp—”

She stopped dead in the middle of the hallway, then as Vulkith looked back at her, metal plates clinking in confusion, she walked backwards a few steps, stopping about a meter away from xer.

“Human-Nora, what are you—”

Xe saw her bare her teeth so wide it looked almost like a snarl (except her nostrils weren’t flared, xe noted), quickly take off her shoes, and kick them to the side.

She let out a quick, breathy laugh. If Vulkith wasn’t on edge before, xe certainly was now.

And then, so quickly that xe almost couldn’t believe it even happened in the first place — Nora’s body shook violently, trembling from her shoulders and ending with rotating her neck slowly in a few circles. She let out a puff of air in a quiet “ooh”, flinging her head back, rubbing her arms and letting out an expression of gratitude.

And then, normally, she put on her shoes and walked back up to where Vulkith was standing, rooted to the spot.

“There was a warm spot there. Are we getting closer to the sun?”

Xe could not for the life of xer make out the changing expression on her face: wrinkled eyebrows and a downturned mouth first, and then instantly wide eyes and bared teeth and rounder features.

“Er… well—yes, we are—could you explain… what that was?”

“Oh, I’ve been feeling cold on the ship ever since we entered the dark side of the Earth’s orbit. It’s mostly been an annoyance, but I’ve gotten used to it.”

The pair started walking again, Vulkith a little hesitantly lest the human stop suddenly and walk backwards into xer.

“I don’t know if other people experience this, but when I’ve felt cold for a long time, and then I find a patch of sunlight back in my house, I’d just stop and feel the warmth on my feet. I’d give off this big shiver that sort of… lets the cold feeling… fall away from my body? After that I feel a lot warmer. It’s really nice.”

She was baring her teeth again, Vulkith noticed, and her eyes squinted—signs of a genuine smile.

“So… humans have normal shivering when cold, and then they have… this?”

“I told you. I don’t know if anyone else—any other human—does this. Maybe it’s just because I grew up in a cold-ish climate? I don’t know. But yeah, there’s normal shivering—which, I don’t really shiver so much as I want to curl in on myself when it’s cold, rubbing my arms and such—to preserve body heat—but… yeah. Basically what you said.”

The two walked together toward the sleeping quarters, Vulkith still trying to process this new information. Xe certainly hadn’t read this in the Human Manual before… and it had gone through so many revisions and rewrites that one more couldn’t possibly hurt…

[rosy-codex]

Humans are Weird: Ingredients

(No, I’m not a chef, I just like watching food videos)

What if aliens prepared their ingredients for a food in one, and only one, way?

The gerwen could only be cooked over an open flame for it to have any sort of flavor at all. The vol had to be consumed raw, unpeeled, in one swallow - cooking or cutting it would activate the acid inside.

Kib’rue walked inside the mess hall for a late midday meal. The second xe stepped in, xe noticed that something was… off. Something didn’t make sense.

Kib’rue stuck out xer tongue and tasted the air.

It was foul and bitter; quickly retreating xer tongue in disgust, Kib’rue glanced toward the only other humans, apparently there for an early dinner.

One of them - Human-Yves, xe noted - sat sullenly at a table, glowering at a small green object which he tossed between his hands. The other, Human-Gloria, was by the stove, muttering under her breath and placing several oval-shaped objects in a bowl of water.

Curious, Kib’rue watched Human-Yves as he brought the little green ball up to his mouth.

There was a loud crunch, and behind a covered hand, his eyes squinted briefly as he smiled.

“What food is that?” Asked Kib’rue, sitting down near him. “And why were you angry at it? You are smiling now.” Xe looked at the food—the inside was a cloudy white, with seeds lining the center.

Yves nodded, his curly pink hair bouncing slightly. He said something unintelligible, held up a finger, and swallowed. “Guava,” he repeated, with a fair amount of relish. “It’s the last one onboard. Oh, I need—”

He got up suddenly, leaving Kib’rue seated alone at the table.

Yves’ manner seemed to change as he passed Gloria walking away from the microwave. She was still muttering under her breath. He quickly grabbed a container and came back to the table.

“Black salt,” he explained glumly, sprinkling the strange pink powder onto the fruit. “It makes it better.” He took another bite.

“Your manner has changed again. Did you and Human-Gloria fight?” On the tip of xer tongue, xe could briefly taste a tingling, pricking sensation, as if eating gerwen straight from the fire.

Gloria spun around so fast that the glass of water she was holding sloshed around in her cup, a few drops spilling out of the side. “No,” she hissed. “We weren’t. This dude just doesn’t want to eat hardboiled eggs! It’s like he doesn’t care about the test results!”

“I’m literally eating a guava!” Yves shot back.

“That’s one guava! You’re eating two hardboiled eggs along with it, and that - is - final. They’re halfway done boiling!” Her hand flew to the microwave in a wild gesture. “You need to get your iron in, so you can stop feeling so tired and cold. One fruit isn’t gonna cut it. Your blood test was bad, dude. You’re lucky you’re not actually anemic.”

Yves spluttered. “I know, I - I just like scrambled eggs more! Like—you make an omelet, and if you mess up, you still get something edible! If you boil an egg for a bit too long, the yolk hardens, and it’s just dry.”

Gloria’s voice softened. “Yves - scrambled eggs are not healthy for you, especially after your results yesterday. You need to learn to take better care of yourself. You need discipline about this kinda stuff. It was the same thing back home - those iron pills were left sitting there in the medicine cabinet for, like, eight months.”

To which, Yves simply grunted and took a rather aggressive bite of the guava.

Throughout the entire exchange, Kib’rue was looking between the two of them. There were two questions in xer mind, and xe voiced them:

The first: “You can cook food in multiple ways without hurting yourself?”

(“Dude.” Yves raised both eyebrows. “Rice. Bread. Chicken. Potatoes.”)

The second: “What is an egg?”

(*sigh* I should probably take my iron tablet now)

[frownyalfred]

Jason: [pulls out knife]

Bruce: oh god, another weapon

Jason: [uses knife to open box]

Bruce: whew he’s just using it to open things

Jason: [pulls gun out of box]

Bruce: JASON – 

[someonetookmygender]

How would aliens deal with musical instruments—Western classical or otherwise? For example - you think if they saw a violin and then a cello, they’d say “oh that’s just a bigger violin” and then the respective players would get (rightfully) heated? Or, what about the guzheng or the didgeridoo?

I think that they would most likely understand that sound comes from those instruments but yes, they would probably piss off the respective players. Yes I think that they would refer to a viola as a tiny violin while a cello would be a bigger one because tbh, it looks like a violin except the size. The didgeridoo is one of my favourite weird instruments and aliens would be very confused how it makes different sounds. The guzheng is a guitar or violin except on the side so yes aliens would refer to this as a guitar-violin-piano. This pisses all the players off and they keep correcting them. The aliens get there in the end but it takes a very long time because the instruments we have might not be the same as on thier planet.

Another route is that some aliens don't have music and are fascinated by the instruments which means that these aliens would make sure to get everything correct so that their favourite humans who play instruments can still play and not be mad. I think that these aliens would then introduce it to their planet and then the music culture would evolve from earth's culture.

Obviously, I cannot say for sure what aliens would think but in summary, they definitely confuse instruments or just call some a mini/tiny or big/huge version of whatever the instrument it looks like.

Sorry this is so short! I am tired and have no energy and I should probably go to sleep.

[human-are-space-orcs]

The scoff I just did when I read you calling a viola a smaller violin 😭 (it’s actually a bit bigger than a violin)

[ick-aruss]

Humans are weird

Sleep. Sleep is honestly so strange. Sometimes I go to bed at a reasonable time, like 11pm. But then there are other times where I got to bed at 5am. Why do we do this? The struggles most of us have with sleep is unreal. But then even if I try to go to sleep I'm left with my thoughts, and I don't know if that's worse.

Alien: Human Kevin, you told me a human needs 8 hours of sleep a night.

Human: I'm aware

Alien: So why haven't you moved in 24 hours?

Human, drinking it's 15th cup of coffee: next question-