I shouldāve put these thoughts into words on the first day of the year but then again, I felt so lazy given this bed weather we are currently having. By far, I think I experienced the coldest temperature here in my hometown (21 degrees baby) and Iām sure not liking it as I prefer warm days.
I actually do not know how to start. I feel itās necessary to check on how I am doing lately. Write the things I experienced last year and reflect on the lessons it taught me.
I could probably kick things off by remembering how 2020 started for me. I have a bad memory but Iāll try my best to recall them.
Broke up with J (yes this is probably one of the major and heartbreaking events happened to me). To sum it up, I realized that the relationship does not have growth anymore, and I am slowly drifting to follow my own path, which is to focus on the plans I want. I havenāt thought deeply the lessons I learned in my past relationship yet but one thing is for sure, I changed and I want to explore more of what I can do or what Iām missing out in life. Which brings me to attend seminars on how to work/study abroad. I attended a couple (e.g Fortrust Makati) and I also realized how costly it will be and Iām probably not yet ready esp. on the financial aspect.
Highlight on these months was I got back to dating apps again. I know it was a complete dick move. I havenāt moved on yet and here I am in the pool again. I met 2 guys from this app, Coffee Meets Bagel (which btw I uninstalled few months after). The first guy was the introvert but funny type and also VERY sexual. I got along with it, tried to do the deed but failed cause the guy hasnāt moved on from the ex yet. (Sucks right). And so I met this second guy and he is decent but we really had completely different personality. I believe this guy is also rich (he came from a Chinese family and I went to his house and saw the maid and his stuff). Can you also believe he already introduced me to his mom (no dad cause broken family), uncle and grandma. Pressured si ate gurl syempre cause it was really too early to do that step since weāre just dating but March was the most difficult month becauseā¦
START OF LOCKDOWN. PH was in state of panic after the government announced a nationwide lockdown due to increased COVID-19 transmission. I immediately went on a bus to the province fearing to get stuck in Manila.
Nah this was just a typical month. Summer vibes all over but since we cannot go to the beach we just setup an inflatable pool in the house to get soaked. I finally posted a pic wearing a swimsuit again. My stagnant IG feed came to life lmao
Oh boy. This month sucks so much. I got typhoid fever. Which I thought was COVID already cause my fever just wonāt stop. My mom didnāt want me to get admitted in the hospital in the fear of being infected so I was hooked in the IV here in the house. I felt I was dying. I was in huge pain both physically and mentally. Which forced me to end any communication means with the second guy. He was not there when I was sick. I didnāt feel his concern even if weāre miles apart and I felt I was begging for his attention. It just wonāt work. He blocked me in his socials (which is a first for me, usually I am the one who blocks lol) but given the current state I have now, I learned to accept it and chose to move forward.
Explored options on work/study program abroad. We got a new car (Xpander) which my father was able to purchase after borrowing money from us. That money couldāve been used for my Japan trip on December (plot twist it was cancelled due to fucking corona) but itās okay I guess Iāll save another again.
I also got my student permit (yes I learned how to drive months after hehe)
THIS WAS MY BIGGEST DOWNFALL FOR THIS YEAR. There were some modifications in the quarantine and so my employer required and FORCED us to report on site in Makati despite of high number of positive cases. All I can say is SCREW THEM and I hope karma will do its thing on their business. The management.. the bosses.. they are all inconsiderate fucks for not allowing me to work at home instead. The situation forced me to resign but they chose to terminate me instead. The unemployment took its toll on my mental health, it caused me great depression and anxiety which forced me to look for distractions.. anything that will ease my mind.
Oh and btw, I bought my first laptop from hard earned money. Oh boy, it was satisfying to give myself the things my parents couldnāt afford that time I was still in school. Itās a gaming laptop and the one Iām using to type now. I absolutely love it and I used it to find online jobs later on..
I read Looking for Alaska by John Green again after watching the TV series on Hulu. Geez, this has to be my favorite book so far. The seeking of great perhaps.. which was very timely on my mood while having nothing else to do.
Lastly, TAYLOR SWIFT RELEASED A NEW ALBUM CALLED FOLKLORE. In the middle pandemic? Awesome right and this album kept me sane during this crazy and miserable month. Oh and on December, she released folkloreās sister album.. Evermore. Miss Swift saved me again with her music. This will definitely be one of the albums I will play when Iām old and gray knitting sweaters and wearing cardigan.
I started and finished my driving lesson in manual. JFC, I realized driving gives me a huge anxiety. One thing is for sure, I will prefer to drive automatic. Not driving that shit again.
I was still hooked with Looking for Alaska. Also purchased Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck on the time I bought LFA.
On the other hand, I was also actively looking for new jobs this time.
ON SEPT. 30 I GOT HIRED! I was super happy to start on a new job. It gave me hope once again to continue on this journey called life. After almost 3 months, we are def back to business!
I also got the chance to get this Thyroid issue checked. Unfortunately, there was no major stuff going on with my thyroid. Basically, Iām perfectly healthy. What sucks is that the doctor invalidated my previous condition and said I only have ~anxiety which is the cause of my symptoms (excessive sweating and palpitations). I will seek professional help on this anxiety stuff anytime in the future.
Lastly, I played Grand Chase again and met someone in the game. Well technically we havenāt met yet but since then, I got used to talking with this guy and he is part of my daily routine now. I wonāt spoil much details but as soon as this is all over, I canāt wait to meet this person :)
*cue Grand Chase soundtrack*
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoK0bAjsHoo
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEE! It was a typical birthday. I donāt have much realizations. If I had one, I need to think thoroughly again lol.
Busy with training on the new job and this has been the most challenging training I ever had since I started working.
WORK WORK WORK. Super stressed and my anxiety was on the roof. I thought of giving up already but then again it was too early to quit. I havenāt seen my full potential on this job yet and so I chose to keep on fighting.
I also finally got braces. Letās get these smiles fixed.
WORK WORK WORK AGAIN. My work caused me a huge anxiety cause I was given high priority cases -.-But overall, I can say the holidays went great. I finally got to spend time with the family outside. Donāt worry cause we still practiced precautions and I guess it wouldnāt hurt to go out once in a while to have some fresh air. We went to the beach and pretty much thatās the highlight of this month.
Things are getting serious with this guy Iām talking about.. Seriously, he makes me happy every single day.
I also won in Christmas raffle. Oppo phone. (I have the odds in my favor when it comes to raffles lol)
Feels weird to celebrate this holiday too thinking a lot of hardships were experienced in the last few months of quarantine. I was thinking about all the lives lost by covid and hoping they are in the peaceful place now..
After everything that happened, oddly the start of the year gives me a sense of hope. Sure I am still carrying the trauma 2020 gave me but I am slowly leaving all of them behind. I want a fresh start and I want to let go of the things that gave me pain. I donāt have solid resolutions just like in my teenage years. Guess Iām too old for that. Not saying itās okay to not have plans for the future and just go with the flow but I promise to not be too hard on myself and to not pressure myself on the goals I havenāt achieved yet. Itās really a struggle to plan things ahead given the situation but as always, I will do my best. I will stop comparing my progress to somebody elseās cause everyone has their own timeline.
I will listen to my heart and my mind to determine the things I really want. I promise to reevaluate the decisions I am making each day. I will not be afraid of making mistakes because thatās how I learn.
I am embracing my anxiety of uncertainty. Itās okay to feel afraid because I am always trying on how to overcome my fear. I strive each day because I am more than just a ball of anxiety. The palpitations.. the sweating.. they donāt define me. I have the power to control them and they wonāt stop me from being the better version of myself.
