Soft

I often use euphemism, irony and sarcasm to cover up that i'm close to tears. Also, i don't change my avatar because it is pretty much the way i look. I'm a ball. C-PTSD, Borderline personality disorder, severe depression, unspecified dissociative Disorder, Autism, Orthorexia / Anorexia, Bulimia, Anxiety Disorder.

[humouragainstreality]

25.

i couldn't stop it.

i have no idea how i ended up here as i never planned to survive for so long, but i did.

i'm 25 now.

everyone forgot.

[humouragainstreality]

i'm turning 25.

i never planned to be alive for so long and i will spend my birthday alone, again.

still disabled. still in poverty.

i wish i had a big party and many friends.

i wish for one day, only this one time, they would remember and give back only half of the love i put into people.

[humouragainstreality]

i will turn 25 tonight.

my childhood ends even though it has never even started. i never got to be a kid. i never got to be a teenager. never got to try things out.

my childhood will end before it started, in quiet because nobody remembers my birthday. i will be alone, the 25th time, and i will watch myself fade away.

"it's not fair" i tell myself but it will not bring my diagnosis earlier and it will not bring my childhood back.

and i will grieve all the missed experiences, all the joy, all the curiosity and laughter that was alright to display as a child but is now considered a symptom. i will grieve all the bonds i fed into and how deeply i loved when no one even asks for my birthday.

"it isn't fair. it really is not." i will say as i hold my inner child.

[humouragainstreality]

i will spend my 25th birthday alone.

i don't think anyone remembers. and the last year leading up to my autism diagnosis i realised that truely nobody cares the way i do and nobody loves the way i love. from handwritten letters, to riddles to a book i wrote for a friend, to paintings and jewelry that reminded me of them.

nobody cares about my damn birthday.

it doesn't even matter anymore.

[humouragainstreality]

there is not enough english words to express what i'm feeling and therefore i'm not sure if there is a single person on this earth that feels the way i do.

[I don't think this sentence is felt by anyone the way i mean it but]

i don't think i can ever truely love again.

[cyber-inertia]

normal feed on Xiao Hong Shu before even making my algorithm Ed related (⁠人⁠ ⁠•͈⁠ᴗ⁠•͈⁠)

[ownerofaspiralgalaxy]

□■□■□■□■□■□■□■□■□■□

■□■□■□■□■□■□■□■□■□■

Fuck all of the things that are stopping me. I need to be beautiful.

□■□■□■□■□■□■□■□■□■□

[humouragainstreality]

i'm just a kid that needs a hug.

i shouldn't have to do all of this yet.

[humouragainstreality]

i started writing my reasons why in my notes.

i don't see the end of this. i don't know how to help myself anymore.

[humouragainstreality]

nobody will save me.

no one will ring my bell and hug me until i stop crying.

no one will heal me.

no one will make it last.

i'm destined to be on my own until the last day, when it's me against me and i lose.

[humouragainstreality]

nobody is going to save me.

we're not in the movies.

nobody will even notice until i put on a show, until i starve myself and run out the street with a gun threatening to end myself.

nobody saves me.

[ittybittyb0nes-deactivated20241]

ED movies/shows I recommend <3

I watched this docu-series forever ago when it was on netflix, u can find it pirated online. great trigger for ED, also super interesting and only 3 episodes.

my all time favorite documentary. extremely relatable to me, you can find it on hbo max or possibly pirate it :)

a classic netflix original. i feel like everyone has seen this, but still incredibly good for motivation. my guilty pleasure movie haha.

incredibly interesting, and a different take on how someones ED may manifest. honestly worth it to watch just for the plot alone. i loved the dialogue between her and her ED.

(season 5, episode 15) these two degrassi episodes made me relapse, and tbh i love them for that. it also oddly made me appreciate Emma as a character a lot more. 10/10 show, i would highly recommend if you like nostalgic teen dramas.

another classic, i feel like this and degrassi exposed so many girls to the world of EDs. we love u cassie <3

finally this youtube video. bc lets be real, we are not sitting through a whole season just for the emma scenes.... also what do producers have against girls named Emma and EDs? lol

[local-leo21]

need to starve my tits off, literally.

[humouragainstreality]

Hey are you okay? I saw your last post and wanted to check up on you

thank you for asking me. i survived so far, but my mind is getting worse and worse and nobody seems to be able to help me. i don't know how long I'll be able to endure this anymore.

[humouragainstreality]

i think my time has come soon.

maybe they'll find my blog and ask themselves how they haven't noticed.

i love you mom.

[chlovsana]

“who do u look up to?”

me:

#thinspiration#thinspi#thinspo#i wish i was thinner#th1nn#th1n$po#tw ana vent#tw ana#ana relapse#ana#ana rules#ed diet#grunge#emo#goth#grunge ed#grunge thinspo#emo thinspo#model thin#ed relapse#tw ana relapse#ana trigger#ana vent#tw ana thoughts#ed vent#ed#tw ed#ed fast#anar3xia#notprojustusingthetags

[humouragainstreality]

i'm relapsing and i'm so glad i got my fire back.

the last months and years i wondered where my determination went, i was so good at this. I lost like 8-10 kg in 3 months. i was so good at what i was doing, i was the best, i had all the self control in the world. so if, with enough willpower, i was able to do it once, why not twice?

I got to my highest weight again: 60kg on 157cm.

(132 lbs, 5'2)

I had 730 calories yesterday, 809 today. I'm back on my bullshit and feeling so fucking good about it. I know i'm still fat as fuck but i also know how well i can lose weight if i only stick my mind to it. i can't wait to be smaller in winter again.