Manipulative fake apologies
Some apologies amount to someone asking for permission to keep doing something bad.
These apologies generally shouldnāt be accepted.
(But it can be really hard not to, because who want permission to do bad things tend to lash out when they donāt get it.)
(If you have to accept a bad apology to protect yourself, itās not your fault.)
Moe: āIām sorry, I know this is my privileged male opinion talking butā¦ā
Or, Moe: āIām sorry, I know Iām kind of a creeperā¦ā or āIām sorry, I know Iām standing too close butā¦ā
At this point, Sarah may feel pressured to say āItās ok.ā
If Sarah says, āActually, itās not ok. Please back offā or āYes, youāre mansplaining, please knock it offā, Moe is likely to get angry.
The thing is, itās not ok, and Moe has no intention of stopping.Ā
Moe is just apologizing in order to feel ok about doing something he knows is wrong.
Sam is a wheelchair user. Heās trying to get through a door.
Mary sees him and decides that he needs help.
Mary rushes to open the door. As she does so, she says āOh, sorry, I know Iām supposed to ask firstā, with an expectant pause.Ā
At this point, Sam may feel pressured to say āItās okā, even if the āhelpā is unwanted and unhelpful.Ā
If Sam says, āYes, you should have asked first. Youāre in my way. Please moveā, Mary is likely to get angry and say āI was just trying to help!ā.
In this situation, Mary wasnāt really apologizing. She was asking Sam to give her permission to do something she knows is wrong.
Fake Apologizer: *does something they know the other person will object to*.
Fake Apologizer: āOh, Iām sorry. I know Iām doing The Bad Thingā¦ā or āI guess youāre going to be mad if Iā¦ā
Fake Apologizer: *expectant pause*
The Target is then supposed to feel pressured to say something like āThatās okā, or āI know you mean wellā, or āYouāre a good person, so itās ok for you to do The Bad Thing.ā
If the Target doesnāt respond by giving the Fake Apologizer permission/validation, the Fake Apologizer will often lash out. This sometimes escalates in stages, along the lines of:
Fake Apologizer: I *said* I was sorry!
Fake Apologizer: *expectant pause*
The Target is then supposed to feel pressure to be grateful to the Fake Apologizer for apologizing, and then as a reward, give them permission to do The Bad Thing. (Or apologize for not letting them do The Bad Thing.)
If the Target doesnāt respond in the way the Fake Apologizer wants, they will often escalate to intense personal insults, or even overt threats, eg:
Fake Apologizer: I guess youāre just too bitter and broken inside to accept my good intentions. I hope you get the help you need. And/or:
Fake Apologizer: Ok, fine. Iāll never try to do anything for you ever again. And/or
Fake Apologizer: *storms off, and slams the door in a way that causes the person who refused their intrusive help to fall over*.
Tl;dr Sometimes what looks like an apology is really a manipulative demand for validation and permission to do something bad.
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