Hunted Healer

My anonymous blog for my writing

[huntedhealer]

I remember one year my aunt took me and my brother along with her kids to see the mall Santa. I had never met a Santa before and was nervous, I didn’t want to sit on a stranger’s lap. My aunt convinced me by saying that he could get me anything I wanted for Christmas. After this revelation I was quiet and contemplative because she basically made Santa sound like a one wish Genie. The line was long, and kid after kid got off Santa’s lap, all smiles. I was getting excited because I had finally found what I wanted more than anything else, and my aunt hadn’t considered how deeply and literally I believed everything I was told.

My cousins went first. My boy cousin asked for a nerf gun and my girl cousin asked for a Baby Alive doll. Finally it was my brother’s turn. He asked for a new bike.

My turn came and I very sheepishly went and stood in front of Santa and looked at his eyes under his hairy eyebrows and tried to see if the magic was there I guess. He was super kind and asked if he could pick me up and I nodded yes. He positioned me on his knee and asked what I wanted. I was afraid that if I asked, he would say no.

I mustered up all of the courage my little five year old heart could and asked Santa to bring my mom back, that I really just wanted a mom.

The man definitely didn’t see that coming, and I watched his sweet face contort with agony and tears rolled from his eyes to his cheeks and feel silently in his beard. He said “is your mom in heaven?” And I said “no. She’s in Reno. But I don’t know where that is. Can you find her for me. I don’t want anything else.”

He looked at my aunt and back to me. He looked so anguished. He finally said “I will do what I can, but sometimes people have to stay away for work etc. (he didn’t know what the context was, but he did his best.) and he said if he could t bring my mom back, he would take a teddy bear to visit her and she could put all of her love into it and give it back to me.

I told him “Thanks for trying. But she doesn’t want to come back.” And he set me tenderly on the floor and put up his 15 minute break sign. I walked back over to my family and on the way I saw so many mothers looking at me with tears in their eyes. My aunt laughed loudly and tried to play it off S a funny thing that I made the mall Santa cry. That I did it wrong. I didn’t say anything and used every drop of my energy to keep tears back. The other moms glared at her and she quickly whisked us away and we went home. She’s been telling that story since. I stopped going to holidays. My mom never really came back, but we are Facebook friends.

The mall Santa got my address from my aunt and I did get a bear from the mall Santa for Christmas. I think I shoved it under my bed.

[huntedhealer]

Ten years of marriage. Two beautiful children.

A chronic illness.

A wheelchair.

Three incredibly difficult surgeries.

Two years of rehab.

And he loved me through all of it.

“I love being alive” -Elyse Myers Jan 2024

[huntedhealer]

Winter is heavy

Like a weighted blanket,

Made of grief.

Decorated with baubles and lights.

Screams drowned out by Christmas carols.

Merry merry.

How bad it hurts when the knife turns,

Sing louder little one.

How dark it gets when the party ends…

Fill your belly and shut your mouth.

Bah humbug

[huntedhealer]

Daddy’s girl

TW: daddy issues

Dad,

I love you, but I can't have hateful people in my world. You and I have never seen eye to eye, and I have tried all my life to be tolerant of your beliefs and even to understand them, but I don't feel as though you've ever considered where I am coming from. You act like being a peaceful person makes me weak. You deny that you have ever caused me harm. You have done nothing but reject me since the day I was born and yet I'm meant to keep making efforts to include you in my life? Take a minute and consider why I might not want to do that. Really think about it. I'm tired of being the unwanted child.

I have so many people that genuinely light up whenever I walk into a room; and you should have been first in that line.

You never wanted a daughter.

You never wanted me.

Why does it suddenly matter to you that we speak? You never showed up for me. Not once. Every over-achieving task I burdened myself with in high school was to prove to you that I'm a good child, a good person, that I was good enough. And I was always those things, it was you that convinced me otherwise. I would love to have you in my life. I would love to see you love my children. I have been a mother for 14 and a half years. You saw my son once at the hospital. You've never even met my beautiful daughter. I don't think you realize just how much you lost when you decided not to love me.

I'm an incredible person. I love everyone so hard that sometimes it is to my own detriment. I have sought your approval since I learned to walk. You never gave it to me. I don't need it anymore. I'm approving myself. I am who I am in spite of you. I love where you hate. I heal what you harmed. You can spend the rest of your life trying to convince yourself that I'm the asshole, but I remember everything. I remember dancing on your feet but I also remember reaching for your hand and you literally shaking your arm to get me off of you like some kind of vermin. You never knew how to love me, and I don't even think that's your fault, but it is your responsibility to heal your wounds and learn how to love in ways that don't hurt. You have no idea how many times a day my mind plays the soundtrack of my childhood. "You're gonna end up 16 and pregnant just like your mother". "I never met someone who talked so much and says so little", "I hate you, you ruin everything".

And the funny thing is, even with all the hate and vitriol you aimed at me as a helpless child, in spite of your constant rejection of my very existence, the part that hurts the most is that you never even tried. Not once.

Not a track meet or an ROTC drill meet. Not one brain bowl or one homecoming. Not one honor roll ceremony. I’ve never heard the word “proud” come out of your mouth.

I tried so hard to make you love me, and when you didn't, I spent years trying to find someone who would. I didn't know what love was meant to feel like because you were the only example I had. I thought love screamed and hit and hated, so I loved men who did those things. It almost cost me my life.

It ended a life. You would never know, because how could you? You’ve never asked how I am. You never cared what I’m doing as long as it didn’t cost you time or money. How would you know that I’m a mother of angels? You couldn’t know. You weren’t there when I cried so hard I threw up.

You weren’t there when I made a makeshift memorial in my backyard. You weren’t there for the days that followed. Pretending to be ok for my son. You weren’t there.

And now I have a precious daughter. The most beautiful girl on earth. Her daddy loves her. He reads her stories every night and tells her that she's beautiful and strong and capable. She is all the things you stole from me. You were given such an incredible and precious gift, and you did everything you can think of to destroy it. You only destroyed my need for your presence in my life.

I'm almost certain that I will never see you again, and I have made my peace with that. I have grieved for the father I never had all my life. I have never stopped loving you. Not one moment of my life, but I have stopped begging you to love me back. You are getting old and you are realizing now that you need someone who loves you more than ever. You need help and care and support that I just can't give you.

I refuse to tear open the wounds I've healed in your absence for your benefit. All you ever had to do was to keep me safe, to keep me warm; and you couldn't.

You didn't.

You chose WRONG.

You kicked a child out in favor of your wife. You knew she lied about me and chose to side with her anyway, and when she said "it's me or her"; you chose wrong.

You took me away from my brother. My dog. My home. You threw me away. You didn't even have the decency to keep up with our "daddy daughter dates" once a week while I lived with your brother; who is a good, kind, patient and loving person. You ruined me. Why on Earth would I want you in my life? I'm not a masochist. I have suffered enough.

You have a choice.

You can continue to blame me for everything and the decline of our relationship at the age of 11; or you can take responsibility for your wrongs and fight to prove you deserve to be in my life.

I already know which path you will take, but it doesn't stop me hoping you will prove me wrong.

I knew you for 13 years.

I haven't known you for 23.

You've become a stranger; one filled with hate.

Love overflows and fills every cup, hate has left you an empty husk.

I love you. Goodbye dad.

[huntedhealer]

You are art. Celebrated far and wide for the beauty of your curves. The markings of time and the map they draw across your skin tell an epic story far grander than the adventures of the odyssey or Iliad.

Within this shell rests a goddess, with the power to create life. The power to shed blood without violence.

Sister, do not look away from the mirror. Look unabashed at the glory that is you. You magnificent angel, you pure and incorruptible love. You, goddess.

Forget the murmurs of this world. Forget the fashion and the magazines. Forget what noise you hear and LISTEN.

Your lungs inhaling beautiful air,

Your heart beating rhythmically within your gorgeous chest.

Look, my love. For you are so magnificent to behold.

You life giver.

You lover.

You sensual creation.

How your body jiggles and moves is proof of life and it’s tales.

Squeeze your own body in the way a lover would, caress your scars gingerly and declare that you are a slave to the image no more.

Beauty. That is all there is. There are now such thing as flaws, my love, just maps to each story. A million moments that created you.

And what a creation you are.

What awe you inspire.

Let it out. Love her.

She has been asking all this time.

Love her, as I do.

With gentle hands and bated breath.

Love her. Let the beauty of your soul burn through the flesh.

Love her. Because she is all you’ll ever have, and everything you’ll ever be.

She will take you everywhere you’ll ever go.

These arms will caress lovers and rock children to sleep.

These breasts will seduce and comfort.

These legs will embrace and walk upon the Earth.

Love her. This heart that beats.

Love her. The lips that whisper magic and seduction, comfort and prayer.

Love her. I beg of you.

I’m trying so hard to love me too.

And I don’t want you to hurt this way.

So love her, and I will too, and maybe we can spare our daughters.

[huntedhealer]

I love what I do, truly. Helping ease the depth of grief for so many means so much to me. But I would be lying if I didn’t say that I am so tired. I see smiles, but covered in tears. I hear laughs that end in sobs. For a moment, with me, they come alive again; but in the end, when the reading is over, I leave you to break all over again. I see the smile fade, the clouds rush back in. The fog of grief that rolls in like a tide, covering smiles, aging faces, carving so deep the lines of pain unspoken. You cry to me, I cry alone. My own grief heavier with time. Grief of loss, grief of knowing, grief for the lost and suffering.

I need your joy. I need it more than I need air to breathe. I need the beautiful cacophony of laughter and warm conversations held between warm, living bodies. I sometimes fear I do more harm than good, to open a window you’ve begged for. The breeze of the unsaid goodbyes and peace made in moments of silence. I am always amazed by the amount of tears I still have left. There are so many, too many.

For a moment with me, the stories pour like fine wine. Laughter at the memory of a silly old man and a best friend gone too soon. I feel them all, constantly. I feel your hearts and all the grief that words do not exist to express. I speak the language of tears and anguish. I’m tired, Lord; so tired.

I need children who have no mark, I need women creating life. I need men about to propose. I need weddings and birthdays and Christmas mornings. Lord I need joy and light again. I have seen enough of the contrast, I appreciate the blessings; but I am small and weak and my heart shatters like glass. I need good news about love and joy and kindness. I need to be reminded that it was always worth it. I am raw and bruised and broken. Let me hear a joyful song. Let me see the flowers at a wedding instead of a funeral.

I dwell in places far too dark. Someone open the door. Turn on the light. I’m wilted like a plant with no sun. My gift, my curse. No one understands and the loneliness is physically painful. I know rest will make it better, and I will do it all again, joyfully, but how I wish to see faces carved with joy. How I wish to hear the music of heaven that is laughter.

[huntedhealer]

Sister,

You are so beautiful and sacred. Nothing you do is without magic. In every breath, thought and movement you make the Earth a softer place. You thaw the ground that is frozen and create a fertile soil in which all life is born. The sin of man is convincing us that we are evil, not magic and sacred.

Breathe deep and the winds will kiss your face.

Smile at the sun, and be one with all.

You are blooming, beautiful sister.

All of your marks and scars are a map to your story. Each line and pock a memory of how far you’ve come. You never speak of your struggle, but I see it all the same.

Today I pray you hold yourself tightly. I pray you sing yourself to sleep with the gentlest love of your mother’s heart. I pray you hold the universe in your arms and receive your own medicine. Our love is the greatest force in the universe, it’s the love that calls God to the weak and wounded. It’s the love that screams in the face of war. You are not made for this world, my sacred sister. You came here to heal her, because you love her children as much as she does, and it isn’t weakness that you cannot bear to hear them cry.

You are full of the light of a million suns.

You are full of the songs of every tree, blade of grass and crow.

You are the usherer of new souls.

You are the mercy of death.

You are the only one that calls God to where you are.

The men we love, are simple things.

Full of fire and rage. They do not understand what lays beneath the calm waters of your face.

You hold within you the violent torment of the seas, and you are ever under the pull of the moon.

You deny your magic because the world has not been ready for how sacred we really are.

I pray today you allow your voice to catch in your throat as you sing your grief to the ancestors.

I pray today you rest upon the Mother and let her absorb your tears.

Nothing on Earth transmutes pain like a single human woman.

So peaceful.

So powerful.

So restrained.

Sister hold yourself today.

Love her back fo knowing.

You are not a prisoner here.

Your magic is just showing.

Bloom, fly, love and soar.

You are love and so much more.

Mother, sister, wife and friend.

Today, forever, to the end.

Let our voices rise in chorus,

Both grief and joy and pain.

Pour it out upon the Earth.

Give life to her again.

Happy international women’s day sisters. I love you all more than you may ever know.

Words by Huntedhealer art credit Kiki Tolman

[huntedhealer]

I had no idea the world was such a scary place,

so big and so full of monsters.

The only thing I knew,

was that it felt safer out there,

than it ever did at home.

No one ever cared enough,

to keep me safe and warm,

and I found myself in places

I didn't know were hell.

No one asked.

So I never told.

And we'd see each other at Christmas time,

or on Thanksgiving,

and pretend to know each other.

But now the world seems so big,

so scary,

so full of monsters...

but those monsters kept me warm.

They fed me monster chow

while I was locked up in their cages

underneath the stairs.

They kept me warm.

When it snowed outside,

flakes like butterflies,

blocking moonlight...

because monsters are nocturnal,

so was I.

They kept me warm.

And safe enough.

Safe is relative, anyway.

It felt about as safe as home,

when I lived with people who were

"trying their best"

and failing miserably.

I'm grateful sometimes,

that you were so shit,

at taking care of me.

I didn't recognize monsters as beasts

until they'd had their fill of me.

It just felt like home.

[huntedhealer]

I’m unraveling,

Like a knitted sock.

Pull one string and it’s the end of me.

I lay on the bed,

A puddle of yarn,

Kinked up and clearly used before.

No one offers to pick up needles,

Or a hook,

Or maybe even a stapler….

It’s up to me,

To put myself right.

But I’m tired and kinked.

Full of tangles and dog hair.

Over used.

Why put myself right again?

Only to be unraveled,

By the hungry hands that

[etcrow-deactivated20250203]

Guys, write. Even if you think your writing sucks, do it. For you, your friends, for those you love or even just to give love to one of your OCs. DON'T BE DISCOURAGED AND ALWAYS WRITE.

[huntedhealer]

[druzydabbles]

Quill’s back at it again, being quirky on writeblr! Come join in on the shenanigans!

With a return from my hiatus, I’m lacking in writeblr activity on my dash!

If you’re a semi-active writeblr who posts original content and/or especially reblogs other people’s original content, pop a reblog on this post and I’ll check out your blog!

I would love if people gave me some recommendations, too!

Be aware I’m already following a huge portion of the writeblr community, so if you don’t get a notification for me newly following you, it’s probably because I already was!

(Feel free to boost, too!)

[huntedhealer]

Is this….. socializing?

[huntedhealer]

I’m doing that “omg fall vibes” right now and I gotta say, a candle and a cup of tea is really inspiring me to write

[huntedhealer]

Thank you to everyone who got me to 100 likes!

[libbyframe]

Fall shop update is live! https://libbyframe.storenvy.com

[huntedhealer]

Buy all the things 😂 and then send them to me because they’re awesome!!

[huntedhealer]

Introducing me

Hi. My name here is hunted healer, but elsewhere on this blue green dust more floating through the cosmos with no decernible purpose or destination, some may call me Melanie, or Vincent, or maybe something artsy like Nevada. Here, I will keep the mystery alive, or at least use it as an excuse for my cowardice.

I write. Mostly about things that have happened to me, as a way to heal. To get the poison out. To liberate myself, I suppose.

You may have seen some of my poetry, and that is my fondest form or written word, but I am currently working on something much bigger that I’m not sure I’m strong enough or brave enough to let anyone read.

I have a few kids. A spouse. A dog. Loads of emotional trauma and very few coping skills. I’m not sure if I would call myself a writer except that writing is something I do.

Thanks for letting me try my hand at being brave. Be gentle, I am so incredibly fragile.

If anyone wants to read some stuff lmk. Strong, huge, giant, glowing, neon trigger warnings if you do.

[huntedhealer]

Tell me something beautiful about you

[pinespittinink]

i realize i’ve been a little MIA for a bit here, but i do want to get back into some tag games, and since I’ve lost track of my old post about this, this is my calling card for if you’re okay with being tagged in memes, games, accepting asks, etc.

if you’re interested at all, you can like this post of course, but I’d love it if you reblogged it so i can try to reach more of my followers/other folks T__T 🌸 there are a lot of people who liked the og post before but my brain is broken and i want to branch out from the crowd i fall back on usually to involve some more faces!