HUNTER in all caps

Blogs about my ministry development.

[huntergoebel]

Week 12: Truth

Here is the last blog to top off my twelfth week and to commemorate three months of leadership training. It's been quite a gnarly ride, but I feel like the ride took me to the place I needed to go. I came to SOMD for a variety of reasons. I was running towards a future in ministry while running from a past in ministry, but ironically, God is bringing me back, again, to the ministry I've know all along. Classic God.

This school has taught me that the relationships I've built are the key to my future in building his kingdom here. Since I was 16, I've tried to be King David, Paul, and Superman, running into ministry with a superficial attitude, conviction and spunk, but with not enough wisdom, heart, or co-laborers. This whole SOMD, God has used my relationships through this base to build me up. However, most times it felt less like “building” and more like “revealing”, like God would show me things I've known this whole time about myself or others.

My favorite thing about this school was, hands down, the bible reading. We read through the entire bible in 12 weeks! That's nuts. 100% of what I learned either came out of Gods word, or was verified afterward by God's word. I mean typically that's how He likes to work anyway, right? I've grown so much, not just in my knowledge of the bible, but in understanding why Gods truth is His truth. It's so beautiful! It satisfies my soul, while leaving it thirsty for more. I had to restrain myself from buying a new bible this week just so I could start reading through in another translation. I've found it so evident that the word of God is literally the only truth. Anything that doesn't reflect Jesus is something broken and in need of fixing, or redemption, to be matter-of-fact. That basis alone shows pure grace in who Jesus is, and who we should absolutely be as counter cultural humans and leaders;

After reading the bible, the the flesh of the world has gotten dimmer, but the spirit of the world burns brighter. This school has gotten me so excited to go back into that world with a bible in one hand and nothing in the other. I believe in this time of transition that God will revolutionize how each of us in my class will bring Gods love and will to earth.

I'm about to go to Germany! This is the place I will get to apply what I've seen and learned through SOMD. When it's time to go home, the anointing of leadership will be an option for me to take, given that Jesus leads me to that place again, in which I'll finally be ready to grasp. We'll see what God wants to do! Either way, step number one is a life of continual growth in learning God's character and intention for mankind during redemption. What that truth is, I'm going to spread it to the nations, beginning with my own.

I loved this school and I wouldn't trade it for anything. If SOMD is reading this, I love all of you and I can't wait to do life with you guys! God bless you in your strives toward his kingdom! I'll meet you there!

-Hunter

Btw, this week I only watched Constantine.

But I read Ephesians through Philemon!

And I listened to Eleventyseven, Relient K,The Pack A.D., and The White Stripes!

[huntergoebel]

Week 11: “Sweet Baby Jesus, there’s a Fire.”

So this week has been frickin nuts.

Monday was decently a normal day. Deciding to sleep facing the opposite way in my bed was the only life decision I think I made that day. However, I didn't even get to know what it's like to wake up after a full nights sleep like that because around four thirty on Tuesday morning, a dude runs in yelling “Wake up! There's a fire! Pack an evacuation bag!”  I was a little freaked out, but I was thinking pretty clearly, because I managed to pack almost everything I owned into one suitcase in 5 minutes. I dumped my clothes hamper in, my toothbrush and stuff, my laptop, my books, a board game, and my movie cases. I remember stopping for a brief second to think to myself, “Am I bringing too much? Am I selfish?”  I stepped over to the window to see what the real deal with this fire actually was, and It seemed to me like a slowly unfolding apocalypse scene. I didn't see any flames, but by the red look of the sky and orange glare rolling over the dead grassy hills, I was completely sure in my logic that this school was a goner.

(Now, do not contribute that observation to a lack of faith. Of course I believe God can do all things and that he works everything for our good, but I also know that natural, utterly destructive disasters are occurrences that happen A LOT. I think it was common sense to assume that my living space wouldn't be here anymore. That doesn't mean I wasn't praying constantly for the safety of my school and the neighbors in the community.)

I decided that this fire wasn't messing around, so I felt satisfied with my decision to pack as much as I did. A couple other guys had the same idea and packed as much as they could because we were blessed with a good deal of time.  My only worry was that my bag might not fit in the evacuation vehicles we had organized to leave with. Eventually we got the word to haul ourselves down to the IOC building (which by the way, I have zero clue to what IOC stands for), so I carried my bag down, walked into the room where everyone was head counting. I had a noticeably large bag compared to other students. As we were kinda siting around waiting, that was the most common topic. “What did you pack?” or “Ah crap, I shoulda packed that.” Apparently some people were specifically told to pack “small” evacuation bags.

With everyone looking at me, my heart kept sinking, thinking that everyone was probably thinking I was some materialistic butt-head for packing more than everyone else. I pretty much struggled with that thought the whole 3 days we were evacuated. I just couldn't get it out of my head. I was constantly turning over in my head, “Should I have packed less? Should I have only packed a set of clothes, maybe a book and some journals like everyone else? If I had time and space to pack what I did, should I be feeling this guilty?” Maybe this sounds completely dumb to you. Maybe you think I'm a butt-head for thinking so much about it. Whether you think I'm a total turd or not, know that I constantly think about these things, sorting out my choices to discern if they were right or wrong.

Well, like usual, I brought it to God to ask him if I had acted out of wisdom or selfishness. This is all going on during a week with a massive focus on our pursuit of wisdom. We had just read Proverbs and Ecclesiastes, and had a really neat, older couple speaking on our school specifically about wisdom. They didn't really speak much about what wisdom was, rather they spoke more about the importance of pursuing wisdom in a lifelong effort. So this week was a weird time of contemplation with God on what wisdom is, what knowledge is, and what understanding is.

So anyway, anytime I brought that matter up to Him, I felt a real sureness in my spirit that I had acted out of wisdom. It wouldn't have been more wise to leave things behind. I saw a potential future with a likely horrible outcome and I avoided it with the resources I had. As silly as it may have seemed to be so conflicted with something so little, God used it to point out that there was a lie that Satan had planted in my mind, which was that I was selfish and not wise. H

That concept embodied what this week was for me. God showed me that I AM wise, and that the enemy doesn't want me to think that I am. I have always believed that the best life to live is one in complete service to God, growing honorably in the ways to be more like him. Seeking and discerning wisdom and truth HAS to be the top priority in wanting to know Him or making Him known.

I picked up a new life verse  this week that describes that lifelong pursuit of wisdom.

“My son, if you will receive my words and treasure my commandments within you, make your ear attentive to wisdom, incline your heart understanding; For if you cry for discernment,  lift your voice for understanding; If you seek her as silver and search for her as for hidden treasures; Then you will discern the fear of the Lord and discover knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom; From his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He stores up sound wisdom for the upright; He is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths of justice, and He preserves the way of his godly ones. Then you will discern righteousness and justice and equity and every good course.” -Proverbs 2:1-9

Also I completed my fund-raising! I'm officially going to Germany! God is faithful.

This week I read Romans, and 1&2 Corinthians, and ‘Rise of the Batmen’

I watched Napolean Dynomite, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Baby Driver, Guardians of the Galaxy 2, and Gremlins.

I listened to Rush, Modest Mouse, The Temper Trap, OK Go, Atlas Genius and Iron Maiden.

[huntergoebel]

Week 10: Theology

Here the 10th week of SOMD has come and gone.

The past week, we had a guy named Jeremy as our speaker. “Christ in Culture” was his topic. I've never related to a speaker so much in my life. Everything he talked about was confirming and validating these little revelations that God has been revealing to me over the past couple years. His passion for theology was like mine. What he said resonated with my spirit and I knew I could trust him.

I talked with him for an hour over lunch one day and it was awesome. We found out we both came from the same church denomination background growing up, and that we had both left that denomination for the same reason. We talked about other denominational differences which led to talking about theologians to read and trust. That led to talking about individual topics we were both working through, and eventually we landed on where best to learn and what to read or listen to for great theology material!

I'm currently reading a book called “Myth of a Christian Nation”, written by a theologian by the name of Greg Boyd. I brought it up to Jeremy, and he says “Oh, yeah, Greg! Yeah he was just staying at my house last week!” So we talked about him for a while. He asked me what my reasons for reading the book were. The book itself is about how politics are destroying the church, and how to the best of my will, I should build the kingdom of God instead of building the kingdom of America or the kingdom of myself. I told him I was raised super conservative, where America came after family, and religion after America, so I'm trying to break off every false mindset of how politics are, or should be, through a conservative lens. Jeremy gave me direct information from his conversation with Greg Boyd! How cool is that? We talked about pacifism/non-violence, the churches place outside of politics, and predestination. I got to hear recent secondhand opinions from Greg Boyd. That might have been the coolest thing to happen to me since being here.

We talked longer and we both agreed that neither of us had ever had original inspiration that we teach out of, but that we hear truth, retain it, reform our lives along with it (Jesus's life), and we incorporate it into our teaching for others! Jeremy does an incredible job at conveying and unpacking his message so that it comes across easy to grasp and understand, without vomiting theology all over his listeners, expecting God or our leaders to clean it up for us. He's had a lot of time to sculpt his lectures, getting them perfect to teach anybody about the truth of God. I picked up on a lot of how he delivered his teaching, so hopefully in time I can learn to deliver like he can. Sometimes, all I want in life is just to be exactly like Jeremy; A great speaker in love with God and in love with learning about Him, speaking and teaching others about the great God we have.

Having him here has just reaffirmed my passion for theology. Somewhere around when I was turning 16, I became obsessed with learning as much about God as possible. That was during a time of doubt and cynicism. I knew if there was a God, I could prove it. So, I started researching outside of what I learned at church and youth group, and started reading my bible to find a plot whole where I could point out an imperfection in “Gods” nature. Instead, I only began to realize that God was bigger, greater, stronger, more gentle, more pure, more holy than anything I had known about him in the past. After knowing he was not only real, but so sovereign and Holy and full of perfect love for me, I couldn't stop learning more and more about the wonders, intentions and truths of God. He has met me everywhere I've stepped with open arms and new knowledge so that I might be able to better introduce him to people who haven't met my God yet. All I want is for people to know God AT LEAST as much as I know Him; preferably better than I know Him.

This week I read Hebrews, Proverbs, Song of Songs, Ecclesiastes, James, 1-3 Peter, 1-3 John, and Jude.

I listened to Boston, Gang of Youths, The Misfits, Sorority Noise, and Paper Route.

I watched Evil Dead 2, Dawn of the Dead, and The Bad Batch.

[huntergoebel]

Week 9. Protest! Worship! Lament!

Ywam LA, SOMD

This week has been a little slow. Because of Thanksgiving, we didn't have a speaker this week during our class times.

Instead we read through the book of Psalms as a class. It was aptly named “Psalms and Psnacks.” It was pretty fun. I really like psalms, but I rarely go to it for quiet times. The psalms are such a unique collection of different peoples attitudes in prayer and worship, that I tend to spend time researching why the psalm was written. Some psalms are so whiny and some are triumphant, some are demanding and some are passive. I like feeling God's response to them if I was the one in prayer, praying out those same psalms that someone once prayed out alone, or maybe over their court, or their troops, or in the temple.

We had an exercise one morning where we got to write down a psalm of our own. I usually do something similar to this when I write my own songs. I really focus on the lamenting part, where I look at the world and in myself and I point out to God, or the listener, all the evil and chaos I can see (laziness, theft, greed, infidelity, abuse, pride, hate, violence, racism, sexism, pedophilia, extortion, terrorism, abortions, murder, war, natural disasters, poverty, sickness, etc.) and I make the hard question to them, “If this evil and darkness is here, then where is the relief? Does relief come or from us humans? Or does it come from some God? Are you out there, God? If you're responsible for us all, then why does it suck so much here? Where are you, 'God', in the genocides? Why do people hate each other so much we kill them? Why do we love ourselves and our ideals so much that we kill others so we can stay comfortable? God where are you in that? What about children born with bone cancer?  What about the little girl who hides from her dads hands and fists every night?  What about the tsunami that drowned and crushed thousands of already impoverished people? God, if you're here, where are you?”

After dropping a bomb like that on the listener, or crying out to God in lamenting, there is sooo much room for the Holy Spirit to move, in my self and in the listener, just like in the psalms. God doesn't want us to just assume he's just good just because. He wants us to wrestle with Him! “God, show me you are who you say you are!” He wants us to pursue his truth so that we will never have to lie to ourselves or each other about who he is! The more we aggressively desire the truth of who he truly is, the more peace and at rest we can be in knowing just how awesome, and powerful and beautiful He and His love is. His presence sweeps in and blankets you with the comfort and warmth of his heart, maybe answering some of our desperate questions, and maybe not. Always, he takes you from a place of desolation and agony to a place of grace and truth.

Usually my song or psalm takes that turn. “God, I see you in my life. I see your hand guiding me to be a better man, so that I can, in turn, be your hand to others. God I see your creative love in my relationships. God, I don't believe you are the origin of any evil or death that I see. I know I have an enemy, but you are not it. God you are my father, and the father to all the other countless children of the world, and you love them like you love me. That overwhelming, never ending love is a force for which evil and death is not a match.” (these aren't actual songs, they're just the basis of lamenting and praise that I aim for.)

So yeah, I love the psalms because they show evidence of the great men of the old testament, wrestling with God, and begging him for truth and restoration. That's something I definitely wasn't taught growing up in the church, and I wish someone had. This week, God’s been encouraging to me to be more present when others are mourning and questioning God. Before, I would get frustrated and check out, (because mostly I already trust God, and I don’t understand why others can’t have the same faith too), but since I have a better understanding of lamenting now, I know that if they go through the process of wrestling with Him,  he will bring more comfort than me telling to ignore their pain or to spiritually “walk it off”. So i’m prayerfully learning how to best support others in that kind of time!

God is great. He shows us in the psalms what beauty can come from wrestling until we are at a place of trust.

This week I watched Justice League, Requiem for a Dream, Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior, Secondhand Lions, The Thing, and Black Swan.

I read John, Psalms, and Acts.

I listened to a whole lot of Muse, Sorority Noise, Norma Jean, and Oh Sleeper.

Also I got to play a couple cheesy pop punk covers for a talent show! 

[huntergoebel]

Week 8. A Mandate of Creativity

YWAM LA, SOMD

So this week at YWAM LA, we got this rad new speaker, Matt. This guy gave me heaps of clarity in my next steps. He told us his life story; where he came from, where he went, where he is, and where he's going. I had a lot in common with him. I am an ENTJ and he is an INTJ, which means we are both a kind of inventor. Also, we both came from Scandinavian cultures, where work and financial success comes before everything else.

That is something I've been struggling with for a while. As early as I can remember, I've had great work ethic, but work was not meant to be fun. Work was what you did so you could stay a man. When I came into the mindset of serving God with a life of ministry, I realized that work could be defined as anything. We often get told that if you get a job that you are passionate about, you never work a day in your life. Well, I assumed being in ministry would be the like that. I wanted, and I guess I still want, to find a position where I could either earn money through the ministry I was a part of, or be able to easily fund raise enough money to support myself, and one day a family, as in a YWAM setting.

Matt's message to us this week was to either A). if we didn't like working; to develop a love for work in a field where we were operating in our strengths in passions. Or B). we shouldn't be ashamed of making our own money, even outside of our ministry. It was hard for me to get through both of those points, but all the while, I knew he was right.

I read in this book, 'Rock Priest'; “In the kingdom of God, there are only 2 types of people. There are Civilians and Soldiers. A Civilian takes there God given talents and skills, and chooses for themselves how best to serve the kingdom of God. A Soldier chooses to let God be the one to tell him what to do, or what gifts to use, regardless of what their God given talents and skills are.”

To me, that was like someone saying to me, “You can either be selfish and decide what you wanna do with your life and faith, or you can give all that to God in surrender, and let him direct, literally, everything in your life. I still think this is true, however, my perspective has changed on how God chooses to grow us.

I've noticed that though I have a great one-to-one relationship with God, and though I actively seek and hear his voice,  He often responds to my questions or seeking with a “I'll let you decide on this one, Hunter”. That racks my nerves! All I want to do is serve God and serve His will and build His kingdom! I want to give him my life and decisions so He can do what he needs to do! In the words of my favorite writer, “I'm not fit run a kingdom of any kind!” Well, I know I'm doing the right thing by surrendering all my independence and comforts, but He is still choosing to let me and my wisdom, (which is an overflow from my loving pursuit of him), choose some of my important paths, because He loves and trusts me! Classic God.

I've seen the evidence of that 'trust in your kids' type of nature in people lives, like Matt's. Also, I've seen so much evidence in the bible! Genesis is loaded with a definition of how to live our lives. God places a Man in a garden, and says, be good, fruitful people who prioritize relationships, multiply and grow in number so there are more of you to know love, explore and create community over the entire earth, and to steward it's resources. You see, God even puts them near a place with rivers, gold, bdellium (or some sort of resin) and onyx stone. This is just speculation, but it's as if God intended for those resources to be used by man during their time in the garden, especially since those resources are used more for creative endeavors, rather than for practical needs. God was blessing them with creative work! Not to mention, God granting them the task of naming the animals. It's not like God couldn't choose to name them himself, but He was stoked to see his children be creative themselves! That's my God. Also, (this may be a side note but I want to put it out there), I had that thought the garden in Eden was perfect! Nowhere in the bible, in any translation does it say it was ever perfect. God said it was all “good”. That means we weren't suppose to be creative in perfect circumstances, but we are suppose to work out of creativity in the naturally “good” world we are blessed with! The earth was left to be filled, animals were nameless, the resources were good to be used. God created the world, not imperfect, but rather incomplete, with a grand potential for wonderful creativity to be stewarded between ourselves and the earth, between ourselves and each other, and between ourselves and God. If that isn't beautiful, I don't know what is. (well, I suppose eventually Calvary)

I'm learning this lesson slowly and surely. My mindset and drive has changed to not only live a life of Lordship, but to live a life of stewardship of my gifts and passions, Ariel's gifts and passions, my body, my community, and the earth.

I know what my calling is, but this next season rather than running head-first and unprepared into a ministry, God wants me to slow down and develop some of my passions into potential financial skills, until the time for full-time ministry is here. Also this will be the time develop my relationship with Ariel into marriage! Pretty friggin stoked about that.

This week I read Matthew, Mark, and Luke. No comics this week.

This week I listened to heaps of Jack White and the White Stripes, Free Truman, the August Burns Red Christmas album, and The Clash.

Unfortunately, the only movie I watched was ‘12 Dates of Christmas’...

[huntergoebel]

Week 7. Worship?

Ywam LA SOMD

I'm not holding punches with this blog. Two paragraphs from now, I will really unleash a lot of inner conflict about the relationship I have with the act of worship, which might be disheartening to people comfortable with modern worship. Please, please, please feel free to simply not read this if at any point you are sick of what I'm saying.

So I spent this past week in Chico, CA, for the YWAM Presence Gathering with a few of the other YWAM LA schools as well as schools from YWAM Redding, Salem and Yosemite. We stayed in this gnarly old hotel in the middle of this canyon, with absolutely no service or WiFi for 7 days, it was awesome, I tell you.  10 out of 10, would recommend.  The people we met were friendly and encouraging, the workshops were informational and interactive, and the push towards missions was pretty inspiring. I had some of the most fun I've had so far while I was there.  In our free time, I got to connect with my other classmates a bunch (especially with the other dudes), and more of the other DTS students while hiking, worshiping, and playing lots of Munchkin. Like just ludicrous amounts of Munchkin.

I also got to see Ariel! Like finally! It was so great to hang out for the day. She drove 2 hours Friday morning from Sacramento, picked me up, and we got breakfast at Denny's, saw Thor: Ragnarok, went for a walk through a park, got some sushi, and finished off our day by hanging out with the rest of my school back at the Chico base! It was awesome but weird. It was like seeing someone the day after not seeing them in almost 2 months, so you're rejoicing and making up for lost time, but at the same time you know you won't see them for another month so you're also mourning and trying to love that person enough to last that next month. Regardless, I wouldn't have that time with her for anything else. It was the most refreshing day since being here in LA.

So the meat of this blog is here. I felt like I should go into detail about an instance this last week where I unloaded the topic of how I “hated worship music”. I realized quickly after that I had just unloaded my baggage but hadn't really 'unpacked' it for those listening to fully understand what I meant. What I think people heard was that “I Hate all worship/worshiping in any/all settings/contexts.” That is nowhere near the truth. I hope this clears up any confusion.

I absolutely love worship, more than any other passions I have, in fact. I even love corporate worship and I believe in it's value to Christ's church. I think pure worship is an act of offering your absolutely RAW self to God by any means of every part of our conscious day. I hate worship that, in and out of participation, is more glorifying to the worshiper than it is glorifying God. When I look at 99% of modern worship, I want to fill my ears with the nearest molten substance to maybe be able to avoid hearing anymore of it. For 3 or 4 years, I've started to see less and less of what I had once thought was God's presence in corporate worship settings. Now, much of the time, I see 1 to 10 people on a stage singing, playing an instrument, maybe both, worshiping their talents and influence, offering an offering to themselves or maybe to the by-standing audience. 9 out of every 10 songs are written and originally performed by an equally vain group making millions on songs that include weird metaphors that are unrelated to the selfless act of worship. I'll be trying break through all that noise coming from the stage,  and I can only hear these conceited voices around me using corporate worship to perfect their harmonies, as if they're listening to “Oceans” on spotify in a Starbucks drive-through.

Don't worry, the conceited voices I hear aren't yours. This is just to paint you a picture of what has been going on in my mind, heart and spirit for a long time. When it first started happening, I would hold those thoughts captive. Any time I thought, “Dang, it sure looks like that person is worshiping something but it doesn't seem to be God”, I would rebuke myself for judging someones spirit I couldn't see. Awhile this time is happening, I started developing a strong gift of discernment. I would be sitting in a teaching or a lecture, or I would hear someone at church talking theology, or someone would read something out of the bible in a specific way to fit their argument, and suddenly I would hear the Holy Spirit tell me straight up, “No”, “That's wrong”, “They're missing the point”, or “That's the wrong context”. So my conflict began with the culture of saying yes to believing everything in one hand and in the other I have the Holy Spirit sifting through the information I'm taking in, cementing foundational truth and rejecting false testament.

This quickly became reality for my whole life, including participating in worship. I couldn't decide if what I was feeling was right. Then I read a a popular passage in Amos. Amos is prophesying over God's people, calling out the lack of authenticity in their acts of worship. 5:21-24 says, “I hate, I despise your feasts, and I take no delight in your solemn assemblies. Even you offer me your burnt offerings and grain offerings, I will not accept them; and the peace offerings of fattened animals, I will not look upon them. Take away from me the noise of your songs; to the melody of your harps I will not listen. But let justice roll down like waters, and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream.” God let me know through that scripture that it is very possible for Him to be displeased with worship. I don’t think God is picky, but I know he is jealous. He wants us to worship out of our love for him alone.

My view of worship was blown past it's capacity. It was increasingly harder to worship with people who weren't like minded, but when I was worshiping, God began to meet me in where I was, with a deeper fullness and a constant blessing of understanding his sovereign love is more expansive than we deserve to know. For the first time, I learned the importance of lamenting in worship. God would meet my angry dissatisfaction with a still silence, teaching me the satisfying value of my faith. This lamenting would start to spread to my passion for others. I learned that I so desired for others to join in worship with the same yearning for God's presence, untainted by our petty preconceived culture of a cookie-cutter style of entering in.

I don't want you to think that I want people to be as uncomfortable as I am. That's not what I want, and neither does God. This week at Chico, God met me in one very specific worship service in a very specific way. Since being in California, He had only ever met me in worship that way once before, maybe a month ago during base worship in LA. Those lonely 2 times, His presence met me immediately and thoroughly, and I felt through and through that I was worshiping my wonderful God in heaven alongside many of His children, all with the same heart and yearning for more, praising Him and thanking him for His unlimited goodness. It was beautiful. God to, “Hunter, this is it. This is what it feels like to celebrate life as a family”.

Normally I can only worship like that alone. Most of the time in my worship, in and out of quiet time, If music is accompanying my worship, and since i don’t really listen to Hillsong, or Bethel or Whatever, I tend to listen to music not even designed for worship, like cinematic soundtracks, or even secular Metal sometimes! Who would’ve thought someone could glorify God through something like that? I love how God meets me through His redemption of art. Someone composed that secular music out of their dynamic creative passions. As i’m listening to this beautiful creation born out of an artistic humans mind and spirit, out of nowhere, God, the CREATOR Himself, the very first master artist, the father who instilled His artisans image in each of us, shows up and fills me with His presence. That is something worthy of worship.

God is so deserving of our undivided worship. This week God brought me, if even for a little while, into the wonderful union of worshiping with a family. Now nothing in particular has changed in me, but sometimes God just tells me to “Be still, and know that He is God”. Please don’t let any of this come off as judgement. This has been on my heart and I've been somewhat hiding it from most people because of the controversial nature of rubbing against modern corporate worship culture. If anyone has to call me out, or if you feel God telling you i’m out of line, please, please speak up and help back into line. I would love any commentary about this. The burden I have for truth in worship is big, but my passion for perfect relational community is more aligned with his heart lately.

Thanks for sticking it out! Come talk to me!

This week I read ‘Ezra’, and ‘Batman R.I.P.’ by Grant Morrison and Tony S. Daniels.

I watched ‘Thor: Ragnarok’, ‘Super’, and ‘Chappie’.

And I listened to a whole lot of ‘Showbread’, ‘Mewithoutyou’, and ‘Hands’.

God Bless!

[huntergoebel]

Week 6. Guys, Harry Potter is probably okay now.

YWAM LA SOMD

I'm gonna make this a 2 part deal similar to my first blog. Part 1 is all about this weeks learning. Part 2 is a surprise.

Part 1

Week 6 has been quite awesome.  This week has all been about receiving a new “Spiritual Worldview”. That means the way we see the world should be seen through the lens of how spirituality relates to the WHOLE world, not just how he relates to me as a white American, or to me as reformed protestant, or anything else I've probably been caught up in in my life.  

Like most Midwestern Christians raised in christian families, I had a really closed mindset of how to view my world.  I grew up believing that America was the best country in the history of ever, Christianity was the best religion because it was Americas religion, and since Christianity is the best religion, it qualifies anything else outside of it as evil, or simply “doesn't exist”.  Wasn't allowed to watch Harry Potter but I could watch Chronicles of Narnia.  Wasn't allowed to play Pokemon, but I could shoot guns at targets shaped like humans.  If I liked a girl from a liberal family, then my parents would sit me down and tell me that I shouldn't like girls who are probably going to hell.  Halloween was evil. Witches, ghosts and anything else supernatural were as non-existent as aliens.  

I'm not trying to paint you a bad picture of my family. This is just to show you how every christian family is in the regional culture of my neck of the woods.  Now I began my journey out of that worldview in 10th grade and since then, I feel that I have finally escaped.  From different spiritual mentors and discipleships I've had In my life, I've had the necessary influence and teaching to be ready for a life of discerning worldviews.  So I like to think I came into this week prepared!

That's just what happened.  Heather came in with information bombs and just obliterated what was left of my original worldview. All her teaching was mostly made up of stories from her life of research and experience.  Those stories were used to show us the opposites or extremes of what we thought was myth or “not-real”. Then she would throw down loads of scripture to prove that spirituality is not what it seems to have been, and that it continues to be half of all influence in our lives.  

One of the revelations I had in class was one that will stick with me without even needing to write it down.  She was explaining to us the differences in religion and witchcraft. Religion is suppose to be supplicative, concerned with worship, having general aims with an emphasis on the group and a relationship with beings, and is considered benevolent. Witchcraft is entirely used to be manipulative, its concerned with power, having specific goals, its employed by the individual, its impersonal, and its used for good and evil. When i heard those traits of witchcraft I immediately made the connection to how I was raised.  My culture from back home, while being under the title of “christian”, their whole mindset was to do their best to manipulate their lives, using specific goals to attain the most power (usually social, economic, or physical) as possible over others around them. Usually that means having impersonal relationships with people, focusing on individuality or bending others to their will or ideology. That also goes for how our cities, political parties, and the political agenda of our country.

Its as if the very thing we are taught to despise is the exact thing we are caught in! I look at the world and I see a world in a cycle of every generation, hopeless and hopeful alike, endlessly trying to meet their own needs by their own means. While doing that, they hold a gun to the world saying “Follow me or else, but either way, you're still being left behind.” 

Gods beauty is not found in that self-service that we are blindly carrying out. Instead its found in purposeful relationship with God and other humans which is founded on the principle that self-sacrificial love is the most powerful and beautiful thing in all of creation (Philippians 2:10) . 

I could rant forever, but I can’t.

Part 2

This is me taking time to tell you how i’m doing. Last night in my guys small group, I got asked what my level of effort was that I am putting into this school. I think i’m at a 9. I’m making my class time and assignments count. I participate and i’m learning as much as i had hoped to learn coming here.  

Then I got asked what level of joy i thought maybe i was at here. Every day is different, but really i’d say maybe i’m a 4 or 5. That sounds suuuuper depressing, but it’s not I hope. I attribute several of those missing joy points to being away from Ariel for 6 weeks, and knowing i have about 14 weeks left to be apart from her. I thought it would be easier, but the past 3 weeks have been really, really hard.  We talk when we can during the week, but i miss just being with her in my day. So many times when we get asked questions in class, i can see Ariels hand shooting up to answer. If she was here, we would be spending all our free time talking about what we just learned, and building on each others excitement to go back into the world and build the kingdom of God through our lives. 

We’ve been apart like this before, but that was before we had 2 years invested into our relationship. I miss watching watching movies with her, listening to each others new music, worshiping together, exploring the city with her, playing board games, trying out a new beer together, splitting sandwiches from my old work, fixing our friends problems like a couple of relationship experts, googling directions to the cheapest sushi in town, listening to her sing in my car,... the list goes on. (Sorry that was lengthy, but you need perspective to just how much I miss Ariel)

I also miss by best friend, Taylor. He’s my favorite person to argue movies, music, comics, politics, and God with. His opinions are always slightly different but just as strong and precise. He’s the best dude ever and it sucks not having him around.

My relationship with God is really great, and i really  mean that. God gives me loads of joy without Ariel or Taylor around. I love my classmates and the staff, and my work duties, and all the other people here on the base. I just miss talking to people about the stuff I’m passionate about. Obviously we talk heaps about God here, which is the coolest, but I also wanna talk about punk, or metal music with people, or really firm cinephiles to argue movies with. My laptops disc drive won’t play dvds anymore so my movie library is limited to netflix... yikes... 

This is not a complaint, so don’t think i’m whining. I just need to let more people know how i’m doing. I hold on to Lordship, knowing i daily give up my right to comfort and independence. God is the best, and i’m here to know Him more, and I’m here to serve other people and not myself. I’m making moves to make up for that missing joy. I’m talking to more people about movies which is easy. Taking to people about punk or hardcore isn’t as easy, but there’s progress. Some great things that have happened though! We had a sweet movie night and watched some old school horror movies! I've really enjoyed reading the bible with everyone, driving around places, and my personal favorite, playing Munchkin!

Bottom line: things are good!

This week I read Nahum, Habakkuk, Zephaniah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel, and V for Vendetta by Allen Moore.

I also watched a few movies: Judge Dredd, The Village, The Brain that Wouldn’t Die, and The Blob!

Listened to a lot of Sorority Noise, Mystery Weekend, The Devil Wears Prada, Church of Agony, and Park Jefferson.

[huntergoebel]

Week 5 SOMD. Plague Inc.

YWAM LA SOMD

Hey! Its been a week, which means its that time of the week again.

This week, we had an incredible speaker, Brad Stanley.  Now this guy, Brad, taught on the urbanization of the world, and how evangelism is increasingly changed year by year because of it.  He showed us some crazy statistics about the changing of our world.  In 1900, 14% of the worlds population lived in urban areas. In that year, the world had a total of 12 cities around 1 million or more. In 2014, 114 years later, 54% of the worlds population now live in urban areas.  Now, the world has a total of 1013 cities with 500,000 or more people.  People are speculating that if the rate continues the same, or increases, by 2050, 70% of the worlds population will live in urban areas. Many of our super cities and mega cities will then be merged with others, forming entire urban mega region, connecting our world.

Today, 80 million people a year are moving from rural areas, or less urban areas to more urban cities. That is 1.5 million a week.  Most of those people are people seeking asylum, refuge, or simply an easier, or better life. Acts 17:26-27 “And He has made from one blood every nation of men to dwell on all the face of the earth, and has determined their pre-appointed times and the boundaries of their dwellings, so that they should seek the Lord, in the hope that they might grope for Him and find Him, thought He is not far from each one of us.”

My mind immediately began to race after hearing these statistics.  He was going to make 2 points with this information.  The first point was that this was enough evidence to show that God was very intentionally urbanizing the world for the purpose of “World Evangelism” and the finishing of the “Discipling of the Nations”, as in Matthew 28:18-20.  I was blown away!  It makes perfect sense, doesn't it? What better, more seemingly natural way to reach people?  He talked about how the original attitude in late 1900s was all about send people into the hardest places to reach due to intense terrain, the most distant people groups due to language, or the most difficult nations to speak the name of Jesus due to cultural prohibition.  That made sense then and still can now, but perhaps the missions field has changed so much to the point where those issues can be overcome, while having an exponential increase in success!  Missionary Number 1 might spend years learning Arabic to go live in a town of a 1000 in Pakistan, endangering his life by ministering to locals. Meanwhile Missionary Number 2 moves to Qatar, uses his English, evangelizes to and then disciples a villager who moved to Qatar from the same village in Pakistan for working opportunities, then the newly discipled villager moves home to evangelize to his village of 1000, while Missionary Number 2 is safe and sound in Qatar, actively evangelizing and discipling in a safe region full of different people groups!

I use to have this sweet game on my phone during DTS called “Plague Inc.” where the purpose of the game was to virtually create some sort of contagious plague, and then set the plague free somewhere on this virtual earth, manipulating the plague as it spread so that it could infect every person on earth before it was able to be cured.  There were all kinds of variations of the plague to effect or be effected by different climates, economies, and social structures.  The hardest part of this game was to get the plague to take hold in hard to reach locations.  The best way to get the plague to be transmitted globally is to release it on someone in an urban country with heavy foreign influence, access and immigration.

Now this sounds kinda morbid and horrific, BUT if you bare with me, you see that evangelism in our rapidly urbanized world works the same as this silly game I played. If we were to focus more on heavy populated areas with multiple avenues of influence like immigration and media, discipled people can go and evangelize with the resources that we were not able to require ourselves, thus infecting the world (in a good way).

This fascinates me. His second point I think I liked even more.  He said that God was using world urbanization to redeem his original intent for humanity on earth. I believe we were created to have relationship with God, and to bring other people into a relationship of their own with Him. Genesis 1:26-28 says “Let Us make man in Our image,..Let them have dominion over all the earth,..So God created man in his own image,...Then God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it...”.  Our first mandate was to fill the whole earth with Gods image!  We look at over-population like its a bad thing, but now more than ever, we have the chance to bring an actual billions of people into relationship with God!  In Genesis, it wasn't long before God had to start over with mankind.  Yet this time, he still has the same intention for us. He commands us again after the flood in Genesis 9:1, “Be fruitful and multiply; and fill the earth,:” Again, we didn't do that. We stopped expanding and we built a tower to keep people in one place, and God had to divide and distribute man again so that we might actually get to fill the earth. (Genesis 11:1-9). He even goes as far to scatter our languages so that we would be intentional with building relationships together! Gods the coolest.

I believe that God desires for all of humanity to be in perfect relationship with Him as well as with each other.  Now, I was raised to hate other nations and to put America before all other evil countries, to put my region of Minnesota before the other evil regions of America, to put my redneck republican rural community before the other evil liberal urban communities in Minnesota, and to put my absolutely christian family before every other evil family in our community.  I've always known it didn't make sense.  After realizing that a true Christ follower follows Christ, I saw how completely backwards I was raised.  Every stranger was a demon to me, because of how my families culture manipulated my thinking and attitude.  Now, every stranger is my brother, broken and waiting to be made whole, with the awesome potential to maybe one day know his father, king and savior.  How beautiful is that???  

I was raised in the backwoods and swamps of northern Minnesota, but now I live in cities, because of my overwhelming desire to be around people, not because I am an extrovert, but because I get to constantly see Gods image on people! People by the hundreds and thousands!  Regardless if I even had a part in an organized ministry in these cities, I still get to breathe in life that was one breathed into mankind.  I had a quiet time with God this past Friday night at the counter of a falafel joint in the middle of the Grand Central Market in LA, with hundreds of people pushing, talking, laughing, yelling, arguing, loving, gossiping all around.  That hour I sat praying, eating falafel and reading Matthew 5, 6 and 7 was a beautiful hour with God.  In a culture and city so drenched in sin and darkness, the brilliant light of God was too vibrant to be distracted. I'm enamored by the life I see in people, their accomplishments, their passions, their creations, their art, their motivations, their differences, their likenesses, all in likeness to His image.

God loves people so I love people. God loves the nations so I love the nations.  God loves cities so I love cities.  I'm more than excited to come home to Duluth and love my city with the transforming love of Jesus Christ.

This week, I read 2nd Kings, Hosea, Joel, Amos, Obadiah, Jonah, Micah, and Daredevil The Man Without Fear by Frank Miller.

Also I've been listening to a lot of Muse.

And I got to play electric guitar for worship once!

[huntergoebel]

Just finished Daredevil, The Man Without Fear. Freaking great collection of comics.

[huntergoebel]

Finished this incredible book this week!

[huntergoebel]

Week 4 SOMD. Idealist, Realist and Optimist.

So this is the end of my 4th week of School of Ministry Development here at YWAM Los Angeles.  Let me tell you; this week was fricking great.  Our focus this week was all about learning, knowing and understanding our personality, behaviors, and  strengths.  We dove into a few personality type tests and had full lectures during the day to know the specific details of our test results.  This may be meaningless to you, but I’m gonna write it anyway.  Hopefully you know what I’m talking about.  If you don’t, I’ll do my best to explain.

I’ve discovered I am an “ENXJ” on the Meyers-Briggs test. I’m 36% extroverted, which means I get most of my energy from being with and around people.  I take in information through intuition, which means I like to  theorize and experiment rather than always follow direct suggestion or instruction every time.  I equally solve problems through logic/reason and feelings. Also, I am slightly more structured than I am flexible in planning or schedules, but really I am cool either way with the unexpected kind of surprises (Which is why I’m usually late to some places, but to others I’m perfectly early.)  With this information, I can be described as a visionary, inventive, enthusiast, dreamer, teacher, learner, persuader, and a people-pleaser. Basically, an idealist, realist, AND optimist. This also I have a core need for competence in myself and peers, I must be allowed to pursue knowledge and truth, and I absolutely need to know my own unique meaning and significance.

Another test I took, the “DISC”, told me that I am influential and steady, rather than dominant or compliant.  This means I am pretty sociable, talkative, lively, pioneering, affirming, counselor, gentle, accommodating, cooperative, and inclusive.

One test I took showed me what motivates me to serve the kingdom.  Out of everything, I am most motivated to “teach” others, which means I’m pretty obsessed with imparting the truth and knowledge on others as I learn things. Second, I “perceive”, meaning I can easily see and discern the truth from false truth, and then I reveal that revelation to others through my other motivational gift of teaching.  Last, I “exhort” others by encouraging them to live a life of victory through truth. These are the gifts that I will be able to use for Christ’s church.  

The last test I took, “the Strengths Finder”, tells me what my 5 topmost strengths are.  At the top of the list, is ideation.  Basically I am simply fascinated with ideas, research and truth.  I take in information and my mind goes a million miles a second calculating, processing, connecting, discerning, utilizing that information into new ideas for practical use, teaching, hobby uses, and just to keep in my mental file for future use.  Second on the list is strategy.  I frickin just HAVE to plan everything. Which isn’t bad! It’s good. I usually foresee problems or obstacles before others do, and I usually have the solution to the problem or I know another path with little no resistance. Third is connectedness.  I constantly see the “Big Picture” and I see how everybody fits in as the puzzle is being put together.  Fourth is WOO, or winning-over-others.  I meet people with a gentle and warm attitude that is set on including everybody into whatever it is I am involved in.  This is where my influence and my natural leadership REALLY comes in to play, or at least this is what other point out to me the most.  Fifth, is belief.  This is 100% my faith walking my walk and not just talking my talk. This is how I see God, myself, and the values that come along with dedicated lordship and a healthy fear of God.  

All these test results are just speculative, but I believe that out of what my results, behaviors and strengths are, they mean nothing unless God had hand in them. Now some of this is from how I was raised at home, some is from how I was influenced by life and some was from how I was influenced by raw grace from Jesus and his beautiful truth.  Now, I can’t remember if I have written to you, audience, about what my dreams are. Hopefully I haven’t, because I’m going to tell you anyway.  My dreams and Gods have somehow collided into this hopeful future where all my strengths are absolutely utilized, I’m serving his kingdom so that it can be built here on earth in, AND I’m just having blast while doing it. How that’s gonna happen, I don’t really know yet, but every inclination and word of knowledge points to me somehow being led to pioneer a YWAM base someday, (probably Duluth, MN). THAT IS A BIG PROJECT. We’ll see what happens. These tests this week showed me two things. God has put heaps and heaps of thought and time into building me into the man he wants me to be.  The other, is that these gifts all point to something like that future, pioneering, casting vision, teaching, and loving people to the best of my capabilities.  

I finished a great book this week! I highly recommend it! “Out of the Silent Planet” by C.S.Lewis

Now I’m starting “Myth of a Christian Nation” by Gregg Boyd

Also got to watch Zodiac and Blade Runner 2049!

And I read 2nd Samuel and 1st Kings!

[huntergoebel]

[huntergoebel]

Week 3 SOMD Intimacy with God and Blazing Foxes

Ywam Los Angeles

So last week I gave you guys a really lengthy (but necessary) origin story to my walk with God.  This week is different!  This week I've been practicing a better "Outward Mindset" to right my wrong relationships, but not just for my sake or theirs, but for the sake of His kingdom being built here.  

My week started out with a new speaker at my school.  Kenny Peavy was his name, and his topic was somewhat of a mystery.  To this day, I still don't know what he was actually supposed to talk about. However, he ushered in the Holy Spirit and from there it was awesome every session.  He immediately got us in the temperament of letting the Spirit lead his lectures, our mindsets, our prayers, and eventually our character.  For me, the Holy Spirit showed me an intimacy with God that was unknown to me, but still felt extremely familiar.  The first night, Kenny challenged us that anytime the Holy Spirit speaks, He moves us to a new place, whether that’s in attitude or spirit or both.  I've really been caught up in believing I had already "peaked" in my knowledge of how exactly He does, and always will, interact with me.  Dang, I was so wrong.

In worship that night, God asked me if I could kneel in prayer to him, which I don't really remember ever doing in prayer, or worship for that matter.  I did kneel, and then had one of the most intense encounters with the Holy Spirit I've ever had.  It wasn't as if the kneeling itself was some mystical solution to an equation, rather it was a way of submission and of response to him taking my heart to a new place.  I heard God clearer than I had in quite a long while and when I asked, He answered.  I felt like a son.  I thought I had separated my idea of God from my idea of my earthly Dad, but I guess i hadn't.  My dad wasn't harsh but he was always so stoic growing up, he never really wrestled with me, and he avoided things like hugs and touchy affection.  I knew dad loved me to death, but he just was not affectionate.  

Now, everybody talks about God being "Papa" which made me super uncomfortable, and still does.  People talk about his Spirit being intimate and playful and close, which I just figured was how he was with 'those' people; not me.  As soon as I got on my knees, God met me in the affectionate way that I had wanted to dream about. I called him “Dad” for the first time and it didn't feel like I was talking to some hard-boiled Dad like my own. It felt like I was talking to to the actually gentle and intimate Dad that God is to us. The biggest feeling I felt that I'm able to describe perfectly is “rest”. For the first time in years, I felt like my soul was in a state of actual rest, amidst all my sin and angst and clouded hope.  All that inner confusion, stress, and bitterness was gone and I just got to be God's child for a little while.  That would've been enough for me, but it doesn't stop there.  I know I can feel that intimacy all the time if I let Him.  To make that happen, from now on, He’s not just my father, He’s my Dad.  Since then, 6 days prior writing this, I've done it!  I've been letting God make me uncomfortable in order to bring me comfort.  It’s really tragic and really beautiful.  I'll tell you know more about how it’s going in blogs to come.  

Next on this weeks agenda, we went camping.  Not just camping, but hiking. Not just hiking, but climbing a mountain, with all of our supplies. I'm not built for hiking, but I did it.  As a matter of fact, I hiked 21 miles all weekend, up and down Mt. Wilson like nobodies business. We learned a little bit about contemplative prayer, which God did a lot more work in me with the whole “intimacy with God” thing.  It was a great trip!  I needed the work out.  I’ve been real flabby the past couple years.  The hikes pushed me past what I thought I could actually climb.  I hurt all over, but I got to know my class really well.  If I ever have to hike or climb or scale any more mountains, I hope i get to do with it with them.  It sounds a bit cheesy, but they really did inspire me to keep going at times, and I can only hope that I was able to help them when they needed it.  

Also I read Ruth, Judges, and 1st Samuel, which are a few of my favorite books to read.  People were weird back then.  In case you forgot, one time Samson caught 300 foxes, and proceeded to tie there tails together in twos.  Oh yeah, WITH TORCHES ABLAZE BETWEEN THEM.  Don't worry, it gets better. Somehow the guy finds a way to transport and coordinate 150 PAIRS OF FOXES with LIT TORCHES through multiple philistine fields; standing grain, vineyards and olive groves to be exact.  Just imagine, you got your little Hebrew tunic attire all hiked up, you're sprinting at full sneak speed around the dry Canaanite wilderness, catching maybe your 2nd fox?  You just put it in the 2nd wooden fox cage of 300 cages you've just made, maybe bought.  Who knows?  From somewhere in your masculine spirit you are deriving enough ambition to seek out and capture an additional 298 (fairly elusive) foxes to fill the other 298 wooden fox cages you've acquired by questionable means.  During this jubilee, do you ever stop and wonder how many foxes there may possibly be in this area you've chosen? Fast forward like, Oh, I don't know, several days of fox catching, in which you've had to probably feed these foxes smaller (potentially more elusive) rodents you probably also had to catch.  Suddenly you are faced with the dilemma of delivering 300 cages of foxes on your families hand-me-down donkey-drawn cart across a desert like environment.  After 30 or so trips to that weird and annoying neighbors fields, you alone, make 300 torches capable of being tied to live animals.  After trial and error, you finally utilize a way to tie all these lit torches, to living, snarling, (depending if you've fed them, very hungry), very pissed foxes, two at a time.  Your arms are bit up, several of the foxes have excreted out of fright, and you are at your wits end (clearly), but you’ve proven you can pretty much tame a few hundred foxes.  Then the final task ahead of you; to direct the foxes with the perfect trajectory to burn your weird neighbors grain, vineyards and olive groves.  After the maybe first 6 or 7 pairs of foxes, you notice that they’ve only made it 20 yards in random directions before they’ve set themselves ablaze. You ignore the whiling fox screams and keep on keepin' on because you're a man and you can't let your people down.  You've made it this far; don't stop now.  Finally, fox pair number 13 has actually rain into a field and it's started a small flame.  There, a little satisfaction in the fire that is reflected in your pupils.  A slim grin can be barely noticed through your filthy beard.  Only 137 pairs to go...

[huntergoebel]

Pictures from the first 2 weeks of SOMD @ YWAM LA.

[huntergoebel]

"It is because they have no Oyarsa," said one of the pupils.  "It is because every one of them wants to be a little Oyarsa himself," said Augray. "They cannot help it," said the old Sorn. "There must be rule, yet how can creatures rule themselves? ...  They are like one trying to lift himself by his own hair - or one trying to see over the whole country when he is on a level with it - like a female trying to beget young on herself."

pg. 102, Out of the Silent Planet, The Space Trilogy. -C.S.Lewis

[huntergoebel]

Week 2 SOMD Love/Hate Relationships

YWAM Los Angeles

So I'm Hunter Goebel.  If you don't know me, I'm from Northern Minnesota.  I love God, movies, and punk rock.

I’m writing to give you a look into my life and what's going to happen to it over the next 10 weeks. Currently, I'm going through a 12 week School of Ministry Development through Youth With A Mission Los Angeles (or SOMD @ YWAM LA for short).  Part of my school is to blog weekly about whats truly going on in my life spiritually, emotionally, socially, etc.  I've had a few blogs in the past about punk band life and reviewing movies, but this is the first about my personal faith and my collective story.  My goal is to be authentic and transparent.  This weeks focus has been about how I see the world.  Upon thinking what to blog about and what Gods been showing me, I naturally reflected on the past 3 years of my life.  I've been in a real bad place with the world for a while, so to tell you how I've grown, I need to tell you how I got to that place, and exactly what that place is.  Part 1 starts toward the beginning.

Part 1

I grew up in Floodwood, MN but graduated from Hibbing High School in 2014.  I had willingly switched schools in and churches in 10th grade to do something better with my life.  I became a prominent kid in my new youth group, the church worship team, and in a healthy student-led campus ministry.  One of my new friends and I had started a punk band, which I'm still in.  I really wanted to pursue worship at a university but I also thought I had a duty to be a missionary. After graduating high school, and leaving my path to become a worship leader, I traveled to Australia to go through a YWAM Discipleship Training School.  

At this time, I'm a very happy, extroverted 18 year old kid.  I love people, Christians, traveling, worship and the world and God, but for the first time, I realized that I hadn't found God along the way. Rather instead, I had found no way other THAN God.  I became in love with Jesus in a genuine way that I didn't think was possible.  I discovered my Lordship and that I wanted to give up the entirety of my life to Him because I knew he was the only one who could make my decisions for the good of his kingdom.

Then I met the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, this blue-eyed girl from California, Ariel Alexandria Caspar, a deep and talented writer and worshiper with an intense spiritual gift of prophecy.  I Immediately fell in love with her the first week of our DTS, and to my luck, she thought I was pretty rad too (she was also crazy about me).  After long talks with God apart from each other, we agreed He wanted a full year from each of us separately before we were allowed to pursue each other.  

My DTS came to an end and I had to decide what to do.  My love for people and God had just been multiplied by 100 and I was the definition of a christian on fire for the kingdom.  I didn't want to go home after DTS, but God clearly told me so.  I came home to Hibbing and worked for about a year until I got an internship, working in my dream city, Duluth, as a Campus Life Director for Youth For Christ.  I was also able to get Ariel a job working/interning there so we could get the chance to date and be in ministry together, so she moved to Duluth, MN when I did.

After two years of working with inner city punks and skaters, I knew something was wrong with me and my spirit.  I found myself getting really frustrated with teens for little things, like not doing well in school for example. Once me and Ariel had officially began dating, our first year was very, very rough, learning how to properly love and respect each other.  We got involved with a church we both loved at first and then grew to hate because of their idolatry and fake compassion.  Our friends we met through that church were awesome and similar to the friends we had from DTS, but eventually we saw them as fake, sell-out, gossiping copies of that same church.  The only thing we had to rely on was our relationships with God, with each other, and with the youth ministry we worked for.  

Eventually we met a great guy, Taylor, who had the same exact Loves and Hates as we did.  Because of it, we accidentally formed a clique that was kind of nice or wise on the outside, but very very wrong and judging on the inside.  We collectively hated the immoral, half-hearted lives of our other christian friends and focused on our self-righteousness and vindicated opinions of the wold. I personally became very hateful toward people, ideologies and churches.  I watched all these movies and read comics that executed all kinds of gruesome vigilante justice on people deserving of it.  My relationship with my family grew increasingly worse and worse.  I hated my own families idolatry for their patriotism and lifestyle.  Believe it or not, I actually hated their hate for other people who hated hate by hating people. (That last sentence is a little snippet to whats going on in my spirit). At a couple of the part-time jobs I had on the side, I would act out of anger at customers or co-workers.  That is very unlike me.  My dad was very angry and would lose self-control in the midst of evil or injustice, but I wasn't.  I always had a very clear sense of right and wrong, but I've always acted out of love and kindness, gentleness and patience with people.  Then it had just worn away, because I let my fleshy hate rule my spirit.

For the second year of living in Duluth, I spent in depression alongside Ariel and Taylor.  We were all part of the problem, but I could've done something about it.  Instead, I let my view of the world and all it's evil own me.  We never lost sight of God and we've always had a good relationship with him, but we lost side of his people.  We were frustrated with his children and forgot that we were his children too.  

After talking with my boss and spiritual mentor, Eric, we knew that my ministry in Duluth wasn't working.  My skills were being under-utilized and my gifts were under-developed.  He knew I loved YWAM because of how much I talked about it, and he thought I should go back in for additional training.  So I'm doing that!  Ariel moved back to CA to be with her parents and I flew out here.

That brings us to now.  

Part 2

Over my first 2 weeks here, I have began my climb out of the pit of hatred.  Our speakers have all been talking about calling and identity.  How I want to please God has to be reflected in my inner and outer attitude and genuine love for other people.  Jesus came here and died a death he didn't deserve, just so I don't have to die a death that I do deserve.  THAT is love.  It's the love that I need for people.  I need to reclaim it, because the enemy stole it from me.  Maybe he didn't steal it.  Maybe I just handed it over to him on a plate.  

I don't deserve peoples love for who I've been, and maybe those people don't deserve my love.  The beautiful thing about Grace, is that we are still loved anyway, beyond what we deserve, or what we want, or what we need, or what we think is owed to us.  Nothing owed to us. Gods love is given so freely, and furiously, and full, and unending, and it feels like being beautifully impaled.  

The past couple weeks, I've read through the first 5 books of the bible and Job.  Seeing people legacies play out has been just outrageous. Literally, Outrageous!  People were so gnarly and selfish and conniving, both the people who didn't love God and who did!  God just raises up these intricate stories of people becoming more than just farming fathers, and he turns them into a nation with a history rich with passion and war, acceptance and betrayal, Lordship and doubt. God's showing me that their stories are my stories.  What happened back then will happen to me in spiritual ways that will build me into something strong and devoted to Him.  His passion for the individuals and stories of a thousand generations is the same passion of how he pursues me.  

Through Jesus, He's shown the world how his kingdom will purge all that isn't love in my own heart, and eventually the world.  By that, justice and vengeance are not mine to take. Now any judgement I make is invalid, and worthless.  The only thing left in the equation is to love people unconditionally.  That has to be how we view the world, evil and all.  Having a pure outward mindset that actually intends to transform your surroundings by your own inner transformation first.

I want to be the best leader that I can be.  That starts with having raw, authentic love for others.  Thankfully, God is making that happen through this school.