a/n: HELLO!!! i haven’t wrote in so long so i’m sorry if this is awful and seems rushed :( this is a HEADCANON fic for next episode!! enjoy x
for eli<3
A mess. What happened has created a mess; understandably so; but it didn’t have to be. At least in her mind, her own opinion, it didn’t have to be. It was already a mess, a complicated and very opinionated mess to begin with. A situation that most had their own opinions about, one that he also had an opinion about. A constant circle, always back to square one. That’s what their relationship always was. Always one step forward and two steps back.
In the beginning, all he was, was sex. Alternative pain relief, no strings attached because her life was “already full of complications.” He was a rebound, honestly so. He wasn’t supposed to be anything more; just somebody to help her feel alive again. She had a history of jumping into stuff too quickly and it was the one flaw of hers she desperately wished she could change. That’s when she decided a slow route with him, proper datings, dates sitting across a dinner table to get to know each other, to really get to know him; square one. Then the accidental pregnancy, but him unsure of wanting to stay if he was not the father. One step forward, two steps back. Square one.
There they were again. Him leaving, deciding he couldn’t be with her without the marriage. Her unconditional love and affection for him was there, she adored him and she fell in love with him. But it wasn’t enough. He needed the label, he needed the realness and he wanted the big family in the big house, the idea of a perfect family. While his idea of his happy life was finally playing out, her sister in between life and death. She couldn’t recognize herself. She felt like she was always trying to catch her breath, like she was drowning or like a constant weight was pushing down on her chest and it was so heavy it was felt in her lungs. Pushing down so hard that it was hard to breathe, like her lungs were being filled up with water.
Her sobriety was shaky, self confidence was at it’s lowest all while her addiction was crawling back in. She was hanging on by a thread and he was falling in love with life; happy, grateful. He knew, they had a deal and it wasn’t followed through and all the pressure on his want for marriage was more weight being added to the brick that already sat on her chest.
So he left and it ached. Back to square one. But, a part of her always found peace with it, or at least she thought she could by at least knowing that he can find somebody to wants the same things he does, and they can both be truly happy and that’s what her plan was, as well.
To be happy.
So when she kissed Kai Bartley, it’s because she craved it. Wanted to feel the butterflies in her stomach like she was a little kid on the playground, like a young girl with a crush. The way her cheeks felt hot and the way knees felt weak, what the giddy feeling was like.
A connection. Amelia had a connection with them that made her feel calm, at ease, the weight on her chest felt lighter and it was easier to breathe.
“Did you just guide mediate me?” Their eyes were scanning her face, a look in their eyes that Amelia almost missed.
“Did it work?” Her eyes were trailing down to their lips then back up to their eyes.
“It didn’t not work.” Kai took a step forward, their eyes peering down at her, towering over her and their eyes matched hers; full of anticipation.
It only took a few seconds before Kai’s hand was reaching forward to brush the hair out of Amelia’s face, gently tucking it behind her ear.
She didn’t plan on kissing them, although she craved it, it wasn’t what she planned to happen. But then she felt Kai’s soft hands delicately stroking her earlobe before the palm of their hand gripped around her neck, their thumb running along her jawline.
Her eyes fluttered shut, a feeling of warmth ran through her body and her breath hitched in her throat. Kai’s thumb stopped at her chin, tugging Amelia’s face to face theirs and they were both leaning into each other.
It felt like her knees were going to give out, and her entire body melted into the kiss. Her hand immediately snaking around to grab onto the back of Kai’s head, fingers weaving in and out of their sandy blonde hair. Amelia’s other hand flew to Kai’s waist, a gentle tug on their hips to try and get them closer; to feel their entire body pressed against hers.
Their lips were as soft as she imagined; maybe even softer. It’s what they both wanted, what they both craved. The tension and anticipation building up from the moment they met and if they weren’t standing outside the hospital Amelia probably would have backed them right up against the wall, and she so badly wanted to unbutton their shirt.
The kiss lasted longer than she expected, but not long enough; not as long as she wanted it to. She wanted more and the way her palms were sweaty and her hands were trembling, she needed more. She could hear her own heartbeat in her ears.
Her eyes opened and only for a moment, her gaze wandered off to see Atticus Lincoln peering over their shoulder. For a second, her smile faded.
She could see the hurt in his eyes, she could see it take over all of his features that detailed his face. It was the same disappointed and crushed look he gave her back on the beach, the same look that made Amelia want to jump into his arms and say she’s sorry, say she loves him.
But Kai’s eyes were searching hers and Link was storming off before she even had a chance to process it all.
“Speechless?” Kai asked, a smirk pulling at the corners of their mouth.
“I—,” She paused, her bottom lip being chewed on by her teeth. “Uh.”
“I’ll see you around, Shepherd.” And then they were turning away on the ball of their feet, only glancing back for a second over their shoulder.
—
“I’m a good guy,” To her right was Link, his eyes blazing in anger. “And this— I don’t deserve this.”
It was the two of them, standing in front of the O.R board. Her hand let go of the white board eraser that she just previously used and she was turning to look at him, her eyebrows pushed together.
“You told me you loved me, Amelia.” He was stepping closer now, a finger being raised to point at her. There was anger in his eyes, his tone was harsh and his eyebrows furrowed. “And you left Scout with me to fly to Minnesota every week to meet someone else?”
“Link,” she started, a growl leaving her throat.
“Did you mean it when you said you loved me?” He interrupted, taking one step closer to her. “How long has this been going on?” She could see the hurt in his eyes and his voice was filled with distaste, a tone in his voice that he’s never spoken to her in.
She opened her mouth to speak but he beat her to it again, shaking his head and letting out a groan. “Is this why our relationship fell apart?”
“Are you trying to imply that you meant nothing to me?” She snapped. People roaming the halls were diverting their attention to the two of them, nurses were distracted from their work to watch the argument unfold.
“You leave Scout to-“
She stepped closer, their faces only a foot apart from each other and you could see the anger in her eyes. “If you’re trying to say that I don’t care about our son then I suggest you think very carefully before you speak.”
“Amelia-“ He tried.
“No, Link.” She growled. “You left me.”
From the corner of her eye was Kai. Amelia wasn’t sure how long they had been standing there but there was two styrofoam coffee cups in their hand and they stopped in their tracks to watch the two of them get in each other’s faces. Kai found it hard to believe that there was ever any affection.
“But I stayed,” his tone sounded desperate now, almost like a beg— like a please, oh my god, understand what I’m saying beg, like he was so exhausted and has given up on her answer always being: no, she won’t marry him. And before she could even explain her side, before she could even want to; he’d storm off, disappear and stay at his best friends place. There was never room for conversation, it was just silence. Some parts seemed too familiar. “When things got hard with your sobriety, I stayed.”
“And yet, you still got down on one knee.” The utter shame she felt, maybe he didn’t mean that or maybe he didn’t mean it in the way she thought, she wasn’t sure if her thinking was even clear enough. Some part her felt like crawling away, hiding— the way she felt was numb. Her heart was caught in her throat and all she could do was stare at him. Her eyes were sad though; hurt.
He knew how hard she was holding on, he knew she was holding on by a thread and yet, knowing she didn’t want marriage, he proposes. And somehow it all seems like her fault.
“Amelia,”
“Coffee?” Kai spoke, stepping next to Amelia and handing her a coffee. Amelia felt their hand slip behind her and gently caress the middle of her back.
But Link and Amelia were staring at each other, both of their eyes searching each other’s for some type of answer. She wasn’t sure what she was looking for but it felt like her chest was heavy again, like the weights were starting to push her under water.
Her chest felt tight and her blue eyes were swimming in a puddle of tears.
Stepping forward, Kai reached their hand out for Link to shake. “Kai Bartley.” When Link ignored them, his eyes not even glancing over, they stepped back. “Well, you’ve got some good qualities but insecurity is your worst one.”
That drew both of their attention away from one another to look over at Kai, and if Amelia wasn’t so angry and hurt she’d laugh.
“You know what,” Link said, shaking his head. “Forget it.”
And before she could answer, he was already walking away from her forcefully pushing a door open so fast that it slammed against the wall.
“Is that him?” Kai asked, turning on their heel to look down at Amelia.
But Amelia’s mind was going a million miles a minute, and all she could hear was static, it also felt like her blood was boiling. Her eyes never glanced up, instead she was focused on her breathing rather than everyone that was staring at her.
She forgot what it was like to feel this much shame or this exposed. She was doing well with her sobriety, she worked really hard at it and she was good. The pandemic was rough for her and life was crazy, crazier than she ever expected it to get and she was exhausted.
Everything was starting to get better, she was doing okay again and now everyone in the halls knew how hard she had struggled previously. She didn’t hide her addiction from people, but it also wasn’t hallway conversation and it definitely wasn’t a story everyone had to know about her.
A story she didn’t even want Kai to know, at least not yet.
“I’m sorry,” Amelia started and without even looking at them, she turned away and stormed off.
—
She tried to keep herself distracted because if not, she’d think too much; worry too much but even while keeping herself busy, the interaction still played out in her head. Like a broken record.
When things got hard with your sobriety, I stayed.
He said it like marriage was now an obligation. Like she was obligated to marry him because he stayed when life got difficult, when she was struggling. It was like he expected it, like she was wrong for not wanting the same dream as him.
She loved him. She loved him so much, with every fibre of her being and sometimes she believes there’s still a part of her that does. Everything was accidental— falling in love, having a child together, nothing was ever planned so the thought of marriage was crazy to her as well as overwhelming. Marriage wasn’t anything she needed to have, or desired. They used to be on the same page but while she fell out of love with herself and could no longer recognize herself, he fell more in love with her and with a life he dreams to have.
But now she was angry. Angry that he’d even use her addiction as an advantage to make her feel guilty, like the reason their relationship ended was because she left him.
The brain scans on the screen weren’t enough to stop her mind from going elsewhere. Her day was slow, no surgeries booked so the only way she could distract herself was from a few consults. It wasn’t enough.
The door to the room opened, and she was no longer alone. “Hey! I’ve been looking all over for you!” The voice came from Maggie, who sat down in the chair beside her.
Amelia’s eyes were still staring ahead at the computer screen, a brain scan taking over the monitor. “Did something happen? Winston said—“
“Look,—“ Amelia sighed, turning the chair so it was facing her, a sigh falling out of her mouth. “I really don’t want to talk about it. I’m just— going to finish this consult and pick up Scout from daycare and go home.”
“Amelia-“ Maggie’s voice was soft. Somehow Maggie could always read her, always knew something was wrong; mind you, she wasn’t hiding it well.
“I’m fine.” She forced a small smile on her face. “I’m okay. I’m pushing through.”
She gave in, accepting the fact that Amelia wasn’t going to talk. “Okay, well. If you need anything, I am here.” When she stood, she placed a hand on Amelia’s shoulder for comfort. Amelia nodded, giving her a genuine smile before Maggie turned to leave the room.
She wished her mind was as quiet as the room was.
When Maggie left, Link was slipping past her to enter the room. He stopped in his tracks when his eyes landed on her. “Don’t worry, I’ll leave.”
“No— I’m just leaving.” She spun the chair around, so her back was facing him. If she looked him in the eyes, he’d see right through her. He always did.
He was scowling; pouting. His arms crossed over his chest and his eyebrows pushed together. He was angry; maybe not as angry as she was though. She wondered when he became so arrogant, she barely even recognized him. He used to be kind, someone that always said the right thing, always knew how to calm her down.
“Amelia, I’m sorry, what I said was—“
“Out of line.” She interrupted, her eyes not looking up. “But it’s cool, Link. You said what you said, the damage is done.” Standing up from the chair, her eyes landed on his, blue eyes sad.
He didn’t respond though, instead he kept his arms crossed over his chest and had an angry look on his face. So instead, she headed to the door and pulled it open before turning to look at him. “I meant it when I said I loved you. Did you?”
“Of course I did, Amelia.”
“Just not enough, I guess.” And that’s when his face softened, went from angry to sad. You could see the guilt hit him, wash away all of his features and his body was no longer tense.
“I’m picking up Scout from daycare.” And she didn’t let him respond, she barely even let him process everything before she was exiting the room, closing the door shut behind her.
—
Scout was being fussy, rubbing his eyes with his palms and letting out loud wails. He was sleeping when she picked him up from daycare, and he wasn’t happy to be woken up. He cried the whole way to the attendings lounge, his rosy cheeks stained with salty tears.
“Mama.” He would mumble while she buckled him into his stroller, his eyelids falling closed before seconds later he was sleeping, drool dripping out of his mouth.
She smiled, her heart warm and she leaned forward to press a gentle kiss to his forehead.
She sat in a chair, Scout facing her and she was about to stand up before she felt a warm breath tickle the side of her face. Their scent was recognizable and when their teeth gently glazed across her ear, it sent a tingle down her spine and it caused her breath to hitch in her throat.
“Close your eyes.” Their voice was barely above a whisper.
She obeyed, her eyes falling shut before she could feel Kai’s breath hit against her ear. “It’s a summer night. You’re standing on a beach on a island just west of California. The sand is still warm and it’s soft. So soft you can feel it between your toes.”
One of Kai’s hands tucked a piece of Amelia’s hair behind her ear. “There’s a cool breeze and the sky is orange. It reflects off the water and it’s quiet. The sound of waves crashing on the shore. It’s peaceful. A type of peace you dream of.”
Then, Kai’s lips were kissing below her ear and it caused Amelia to let out a quiet groan, her head falling back to give Kai more room.
Amelia turned to face them, her hands reaching for their belt loops before she was pulling them between her legs. Kai’s hand ran along her jawline before stopping at the base of her neck, giving it a gentle squeeze while their lips connected. Kai’s tongue ran along the bottom of Amelia’s lip, their other arm running down Amelia’s body to stop at her waist.
She wanted more. She craved more, and finally her mind was quiet. Their kiss grew more passionate and Amelia was tugging on Kai’s waist to try and get them to be closer to her. It felt like she was on fire, or like electricity was running through her. The longer the kiss lasted, the more she wanted it to keep going.
For a brief moment, Kai pulled away, their lips only inches away from hers. “Your son is here.”
“He’s asleep.” Amelia breathed against Kai’s lips, her hands resting along their jawline and pulling them back to her to connect their lips once more. Amelia stood from her chair, pushing Kai towards a wall until their back hit it. Her hands tangled in their hair, Kai’s hands gripping at her sides.
Then, Kai pulled away again, fully this time and Amelia let out a whine. “I have a plane to catch.” They winked, a smirk pulling at their lips. Tease.
Amelia leaned forward again, her lips pressing against theirs. It felt so good to kiss them, and she didn’t want to stop. “Stay.” She whispered, her voice full of desperation.
“I’ll see you next week.” Kai said once their lips left hers, before they made their way over to the door.
“Don’t let him get to you,” They turned to look at her briefly. “You are exceptional, Shepherd. Brilliant.”
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
“And what are you looking at?” They ask with that quiet smile, hands braced on her hips. They always have warm hands, she can feel the contact through her shirt.
Amelia drags her fingers through their hair gently, brushing it back as they lean absentmindedly into the touch. These moments are quiet, so quiet they feel almost sacred.
“I like watching you work.”
or: moments that make up the whole picture, something that's woven with light.
hi omg happy birthday <333 sending u all the love and best energy ever i hope you have a great year and an amazing day 🥳🥳 sm love and appreciation for u <33 HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
HIII🖤 thank you!!! this means the world to me omg i appreciate you sm<33
ahhh happy birthday <33 i love you so much and you’re just such an amazing person. hope this day treats you well <333
omg thank you amanda!! love you so much <33 ALSO it was 1:10 when i opened this and i waited til 1:11 to hit post just for you<33 bc that has to mean something 😇
HI riley omg happy fucking birthday I’ve now said it like 12 times today but I am. so incredibly proud of u I love you So damn much and I hope you have the most beautiful day in the whole world u deserve ENDLESS love and coffee and amazing breakfast and cake etc etc etc. thank you for being such a beautiful constant and light in my life🤍I love you always and I’m so beyond grateful for you every single day<3
chloe! light of my life i love you so much 🖤 i’m running out of ways to tell you that & i could thank you endlessly for everything you’ve done for me but it still wouldn’t summarize just how important you are to me <3 i’m so so grateful for our friendship I LOVE YOU
jacobvanloon
dailybridgerton
turnnoffyourmind
