I decided to come back here to plug my new RP blog, (i guess im still doing that lol), but I got distracted and decided to browse through some old blogs I followed, blogs that were following me, etc., and now I’m filled with a bittersweet nostalgia. I remember growing apathetic and depressed, disappointed by the rpers around me, but at the same time, I can remember all the good times I had, too, all the fun and wonderment that drew me to the hobby in the first place. The feeling’s kind of like when you watch a really good show or book and when you finish it, there’s this sort of funny feeling in your chest– a hollowness that’s there when you realize you’re never going to have that first experience going through it again, but you’re also glad you were there to witness it.
I won’t lie, there were events and memories that I wish I could trade back in, people I wish I just didn’t meet. But there were a lot of good people too, and even more that fell into that in-between range where even though I didn’t really like them, there are things about them I can still remember fondly. Which is funny– my fondest memories of this character exist within the dusk of this community. Many blogs were starting to die, and the flames of passive aggressive bullshit were continuously stoked. Most people who enter a community in its dark days leave with nothing but a sour taste in their mouth. What this says about me, who knows. Everyone who’s followed or talked to me has had their own thoughts about me, and I’m not here to dissuade them.
What I want to say is, I’ve learned a lot. About writing, people, how to be a better person, and the inner workings of the human heart. That sounds pretentious as fuck, but it’s true. I’ve been socially broken my whole life through, every word a fumble, every communication an ordeal, every jab at me taken like a spear to the gut. I was so intensely alone. And, even now, I still am– It’s a pain I’m going to carry with me for the rest of my life. But in this crucible of shitpost and text-based apathy, I made a lot of friends, acquaintances, enemies, and with each one I’ve been shaped into something that looks more and more like a real person, with real talents and real worth.
So, thank you all. Each and every one of you reading this, who will read this, who won’t read this, who may not even read another one of my posts ever again– thank you. Alaric was one hell of an experience, as stupid and imperfect and damaged a character he is, and I enjoyed writing him, just as I enjoyed the time I had with all of you. I won’t end this with some shit like “I wish you all the best of luck,” that’d be insincere after going on about how I’ve met people I don’t like or just don’t care about. So I guess this best way to end this would be to say that I hope your lives are filled with experiences, good and bad, and that when you look back, you’ll remember the camaraderie we once all had with some semblance of fondness.
I don’t know if I’ll ever come back to this blog beyond a few cursory viewings and promotional posts, and maybe even another nostalgia trip like I feel right now. If you’d like to get in contact with me again, I’m up and kicking on @soulofsalt, as well as my personal blog @panandel. Thanks again for everything.
Oh, and for some closure, Alaric eventually forgives himself, and lives a long, full life in the hinterlands after finding love again. I’m a sucker for happy endings.
I’ll see you around.
