"Words, words, words"

Me when there is nothing I would be more willing to part with... except my life, except my life, except my life.

[i-am-dead-horatio]

My Hamlet Headcanons are Really Fucking Stupid, and now they're your problem :]

Headcanons under the cut! Will be added to, Only have Hamlet, Ophelia, Horatio, and Rosen/Guild so far :[

Some of them have literally no basis in canon and are very self projection-y (especially for Hamlet) so watch out

------------

(Seperated by character)

Hamlet:

- RIP Hamlet you would have loved black nail polish, piercings, and really loud music in a modern AU

- Totally cannot cook to save his life

- LOVES capes... even when dressing in all black he's gotta have some fancy accessories and a really long fancy cape. He loves ruffles too

- Used to be terrified of ghosts as a kid (subtle foreshadowing....)

- Talks to himself. A lot. Not even just a soliloquy where others technically can't hear him—nah, he talks completely openly to himself all the time, and everyone can hear. Polonius has decided this is evidence of Hamlet being insane.

- Probably does not eat enough and is very light

- Hamlet is bi and asexual. Don't ask me why bro idk. Also Hamlet uses he/him pronouns and is transmasc to me (in a modern setting he'd probably toy with using it/its)

- Bro has so much trauma that I would not be surprised if he was an age regressor. Also, modern Hamlet has a comfort plushie. Fight me bro

- Ending on such an unserious one but he would have LIVED off of Monster Energy if he were around today. Specifically the original, the white one, and occasionally the orange creamsicle one if he felt like having a little treat.

Ophelia:

- Would have loved Frankenstein by Mary Shelly

- Also would have loved cross-stitching, craft stores, butterfly museums, Elio Mei, booktok, and cat cafes.

- Onto headcanons actually from the time period, before going insane, she had a really lovely singing voice and occasionally used to sing to Hamlet :]

- Probably has terrible eyesight. I don't know, I just got the vibes from somewhere.

- Modern Ophelia cannot stand Monster Energy and is terrified for Hamlet's life whenever he drinks it. She likes iced tea though

- Straight but in a modern setting would 100% be questioning that, she/her

Horatio:

- Modern Horatio would watch 15 hour YouTube video essays on literally the most random niche topics known to man for no reason whatsoever.

- His sleep schedule is so fucked

- Probably needs glasses.

- He's not dating Hamlet, but in a modern setting everyone would think he is. He (in both a canon and modern setting) loves hugging Hamlet, holding his hand, sitting right next to him, and just always touching/being close to him. They aren't in love (or don't think they are), they're genuinely just really good friends.

- Wears really boring clothes. He's got some sensory issues and can't stand ruffles or texture. Also no capes (sorry Hamlet)

- If Claudius asked him to spy on Hamlet he would have slapped Claudius across the face and gotten executed probably.

- Sometimes just casually stays in the castle. I don't know why they let him (probably because of how close he is with Hamlet), but he comes over uninvited and stays the night all the time and literally nobody cares

- Modern Horatio also loves Monster Energy, but specifically only the coffee ones and only so he can stay awake to finish schoolwork.

- Gay (he has no idea), he/him

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern:

- People constantly confuse them/mix their names up and they're used to it

- Enjoy annoying people

- When they were children they were literally the worst ("I'm not touching you"/"why are you hitting yourself"/etc.)

- Hamlet was very light as a child so both of them used to just pick him up and carry him places without warning (Hamlet detested this)

- Would have loved doing stupid group halloween costumes every year in a modern setting

- Also would have loved modern brainrot. They'd follow Hamlet around and "67" him so much that it's what made him ask England to kill them

[hamletkin]

frothing at the mouth because my friend suggested a drunk shakespeare play where every single actor is drunk except for horatio and he has to try to keep the play on track while still having his own part to play

[i-am-dead-horatio]

Right after "Goodnight, sweet prince" Hamlet's very drunk actor forgets that he's supposed to be dead (not sleeping) and starts loudly fake-snoring (which causes all the other "dead" characters to start laughing)

[i-am-dead-horatio]

I put a joke about Horatio having to go back and take his finals after the end of the play in my English final prep work. Chat is it Horatiover for me

[movieswithtrains]

(I'm the person who submitted Hamlet 1996!! It just occured to me that you're probably watching the movies and I don't want to put you through four hours of Shakespeare so I'll just tell you—at 1:10:24 it does in fact have a train in it!! Rosencrantz and Guildenstern arrive riding a small train and it is shown in various shots for several minutes after that.)

(Sorry again if you already started watching the movie!! I didn't mean to force you into Shakespeare lol)

Yes, Hamlet (1996) has a train in it

[i-am-dead-horatio]

THIS WAS MEEE

[i-am-dead-horatio]

Hamlet but it's badly retold through taking a midterm/final:

"So you (Hamlet) are taking this big (100 questions or so) test. And on the first question you get stuck for a while trying to decide if the answer is A or C. Well two hours later you finally fucking pick one, and the minute you put it on the scantron thing, your time is up and you have to hand the test in."

"Honorable mention to your friend (Horatio) who's been sitting next to you and trying to hint that it was C the entire time. He did finish his test but he totally failed."

[cozyrogue]

the "rip ___ you would have loved ___" meme is inherently more fun with ancient characters. rip clytemnestra you would have loved morse code. rip theseus you would have loved the airtag. rip callisto you would have loved wearing shorts.

[i-am-dead-horatio]

RIP Hamlet Prince of Denmark you would have loved grief counseling

[i-am-dead-horatio]

Changes I'd Make If I Ever Directed A Production Of Hamlet

- Claudius puts the poison in the wine with one of those poison rings (rings with a little compartment you can store pills or poison in)

- When the ghost is yelling for Horatio and the guard to swear upon Hamlet's sword, he possesses Hamlet because that's cool

- Side note to the last one, Hamlet would have those contact lenses that glow under UV light specifically for this scene

- Horatio kisses Hamlet on the forehead (or the lips, up to you) after "Goodnight sweet prince" happens

- Someone has to physically drag Horatio away from Hamlet's body

- At the end there's a silent scene where you see Horatio get dressed in all black and leave Elsinore (presumably to return to school)

- Hamlet and Claudius look very similar (Hamlet looks more like Claudius than his actual Dad)

- Hamlet is 17-19 years old (the scene with Yorick is changed to reflect this, as well as it being offhandedly mentioned once or twice)

- Hamlet aggressively shoves the flute into Guildenstern's mouth during the scene after the mousetrap and Guildenstern weakly blows into it

- Gertrude hugs Hamlet for a really long moment before the duel with Laertes (I long to make the audience cry)

[i-am-dead-horatio]

Post-Hamlet death Horatio (modern AU?) as Playing Dead by Elio Mei

Hamlet fandom are you hearing me

[i-am-dead-horatio]

Happy Birthday Shakespeare 🔥🔥🔥

[i-am-dead-horatio]

What I think each of the Hamlet characters would order at McDonalds and where they would be in the car (assuming they are in a minivan or something)

----

Claudius: Is driving. Badly. He orders a black coffee, two big macs, large fries, and an Oreo Mcflurry (he brags about having ice cream and refuses to let anyone else order it).

Gertrude: Passenger's seat. Only came along for the ride, doesn't actually want McDonalds. Gets a small water and steals one of Hamlet's chicken nuggets, but that's it.

Hamlet: Didn't get to order for himself, is in the backseat. Claudius got him a happy meal with chicken nuggets to spite him. Horatio gave Hamlet his coke to cheer him up.

Horatio: In the middle seat in the back, next to Hamlet. Got fries, a coke, and a milkshake. Gave Hamlet the coke.

Ophelia: In the backseat on the other side of Horatio. Wanted to go to Dunkin Donuts instead, but nobody listened to her. Got a strawberry and banana smoothie and some fries.

Polonius: In the way back/third row. Is very mad that Ophelia is with Hamlet and is the reason Horatio sat between them. Got a fillet o fish or whatever it's called. Steals Claudius' fries.

Rosencrantz/Guildenstern: In the trunk. They split a 20 piece chicken nugget. They both got small sprites.

[i-am-dead-horatio]

Some people do meaningful Hamlet analysis, I'm over here writing a post about what all the characters would order from McDonald's

[i-am-dead-horatio]

Putting a sign on my fridge that says "The State of Denmark" so that it's more fun when someone yells at me to clean it out

[i-am-dead-horatio]

I feel so bad for Horatio's school counselor once he goes back

[andromedas-unchecked]

still now and forever thinking of the community theater production of Hamlet I saw a few years back, which was pretty much just dead standard and made no unique plot setting or directing choices EXCEPT. at the very end, when the army crashes in and Horatio begins his whole "what is it you would see" speech Fortinbras just fucking shot him to this day my mother and I use "it's like shooting Horatio" as shorthand for "grimdark gotcha-moment that undercuts everything else" and it's amazing how many plots and adaptations it's ended up popping up in through the media I've seen since, but I'll never get over the fact that that was the one unique choice the director had the balls for. yeah, sure, let's shoot horatio.

[i-am-dead-horatio]

One of those "what's behind curtain number four" type game shows but instead of lifting the curtain to reveal the prize Hamlet Prince of Denmark walks up to the curtain and starts stabbing it screaming "a rat! a rat!" to reveal the prize

[i-am-dead-horatio]

Date idea: we watch Branagh's Hamlet, I pace around reciting the entire play and playing every part and you comfort me when Hamlet dies

[i-am-dead-horatio]

Modern AU Hamlet cast making one of those trauma candy salad things would be wild

"Hello guys, my name is Hamlet, and my bastard incestuous uncle killed my father and married my mother, and now I have to kill him because my father's ghost says so, and I also really want to die. And I brought the bowl."

"Hiii my name is Ophelia, and my father made me break up with my boyfriend Hamlet, and he was already going insane sort of, so when he found out he threw me around like a ragdoll and then later stabbed my father. And I brought the Sweet Tarts."

"We're Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, and we were forced by King Claudius to spy on our childhood best friend, Hamlet. Anyway we went on a trip to England with him and he later wrote and told England to kill us. And we brought kitkats."

"My name is Laertes and my sister's boyfriend, Hamlet, killed my Dad and then drove my sister to insanity and eventually her death too. She drowned. So my entire family is now dead. And I brought gummy sharks."

"My name is Queen Gertrude and I wanted to participate in my darling son's little candy bowl thing."

"No, Mom, you have to say something traumatizing that happened to you—"

"Oh... my apologies, Hamlet. My name is Queen Gertrude and my new husband killed my ex-husband, who also happened to be his brother, and then poisoned me. And I brought sugar free butterscotch candies."

"My is Horatio... and uh... I had to watch everyone here die. And then go back to school to take my finals. And I brought black licorice."