Lilacs || Choi Soobin
Pairing/s: Soobin x reader
Tags: fluff, angst, college!au, angels, reincarnation, lost souls
Warnings: mild language, cheating, hints of death
Word Count: 3700+
A/N: i'm sorry i couldn't make up a summary but i hope the tags are enough.
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You were seated at the very back of the cinema, crying your eyes out in silence when the credits of the movie rolled in.
The movie was anything but sad. So, when you walked out of the cinema with puffy eyes, a few people sent you strange looks, and some sent you pity. And as if your scarf could hide your pain, you pull it up to cover a fraction of your face.
It was a Friday night. You were supposed to be with your boyfriend, him promising you he'd be in time for the movie still clear in your head.
Ever since Jimin, your boyfriend, moved to Seoul to continue his studies there, he barely had time to spend time with you. He always seemed to have so many excuses as to why he couldn't make it, or why he left you waiting for him, and falling asleep with your Skype account open.
Tonight was supposed to be your night together with him. It felt like it had already been six months since you last saw him. You felt really excited to see him again, wondering if something changed about him. If Seoul had managed to change your goofy little prince.
The night was a bit chilly, with the winter season nearing. You wore a simple peach-colored floral dress under a maroon coat, your neck wrapped up with the purple scarf he gave you on your first date.
You smile at the thought of your first date with Jimin. You recall it was also a night like this one: chilly, but his warmth enveloped your hand and your heart. "I wanna be your sunlight," you remember his cheesy line that night as he was holding onto your hand. Just like how you're still holding onto your relationship with him.
You waited there for three hours, telling yourself not to overthink things. That maybe he just got caught in the traffic or maybe an emergency came up and he lost his phone on the way. Or, even, maybe he forgot the way to the local cinema that you would always go to.
But when you saw him walking out of a restaurant near the cinema with his senior he told you not to worry too much about, it was then that all the doubts you ever had of him were proved right.
It all made sense to you then how he seemed too busy for you since the new school year began. How he seemed to be less attentive to you. It never occured to you how he insisted on meeting you at the cinema and not letting you meet him in the station, but now it all made sense.
You remember your heart dropped and your world crashed at the sight of them holding hands and looking like the best couple your country's ever had. You felt nauseous at the thought of you finally being replaced after four years worth of promises. And how those promises are breaking at each second that passed by, which to them probably felt like an eternity with each other's presence. And you feel hurt, because he felt like that with you too.
A ding in your phone startled you and snapped you out from your thoughts. Seeing the sender's name, your heart ached again.
[ChimChim ♡]:
baby i'm sorry i forgot to tell you but i had a lot of homework and projects to do tonight. i hope you understand. i'll make it up to you somehow. ♡
A tear fell from the corner of your eye as you tried to hold back the pain from letting it hurt everything inside of you.
You thought to yourself how it would've been so easy for him to just break it off with you, but you sat there on a swing in an empty playground wondering how long he's planning to act like that. To act as if the love he claims he felt on your first meeting is still there. To act as if you're still the one he's looking forward to spending his lifetime with.
You swallowed a lump in your throat and closed your eyes, wondering to yourself if you did anything wrong or if there was something that you didn't do for him.
When he left for Seoul that day, a small part of you thought that would be the last time he would tell you the words I love you and mean it. That after that day, he'd meet other women who are much more than you are. And it scared you that he would fall for them and think of you as just another puppy love of his.
You hoped it wouldn't be that way. But seeing him with another girl and thinking that he probably thinks of her as his whole new promise,— and you, just another one he broke— made you think that you never should've thought that way in the first place. That maybe if that never crossed your mind and never gave the Universe or Fate a reason to betray you, maybe he was still yours.
You let out a sob, letting your tears fall from your eyes as you thought and thought and thought of all the things that wouldn't have happened if only you had been enough for him. "Damn it." You choke on your tears, laughing at yourself as you thought about how you can't even cry without messing up. That, maybe, that was one thing he didn't like about you: being a mess. And maybe that was one thing he didn't see in the woman he's with that night.
The playground was empty, so it didn't matter to you what people would think about you crying and laughing at yourself. Since no one was really there for you to explain and justify your state.
But then you met him.
You never liked empty playgrounds. You never liked the empty feeling that deserted places emit. But tonight, that didn't matter. The emptiness of the playground no longer mattered to you as you cried your heart out, filled with too many emotions.
You looked down and watched as your tears soaked a part of your scarf. Out of frustration, you pulled the scarf off of your neck and threw it on the ground in front of you.
You reached out your hand to pick it up, hesitating as if picking up the scarf could mean anything more than just picking up a scarf. As if, picking it up would mean forgiving Jimin and letting him go. But no, you're not even near ready in forgiving him, or letting him go. No. I don't want to let him go. Not yet.
"Maybe he just felt lonely and found comfort with that woman," you thought out loud, oblivious of another person's presence in that deserted place. A pair of eyes watching you as your hand retreats to your side.
You watched as a pair of brown Grenson's boots slowly approached you. You were a bit surprised that someone else was in that playground with you. Your hopes of it being Jimin thrown off the window moments ago, so you didn't bother looking up. You stood up from the swing and was about to go when the person that stood before you pulled you by your arm.
Shocked at his own actions, he let go of it just as instantly and muttered a "sorry". You looked back at him and watched as he picked up the scarf that you intentionally dropped just a few moments ago. "Is this yours?" He asked you.
You stared down at the scarf on his hands before saying, "It's not mine." Attempting to leave for the second time, he pulls your arm again to stop you from leaving. "Can you stop?" By then, you were already weirded out by him and, lowkey, scared about the things that he could do to you in an empty playground in the middle of the night.
"I'm sorry," he said again, letting your arm free once more. "I also apologize for having accidentally listened in your thoughts."
"Are you saying you can read my mind?" You asked him, unsure of what to make of the whole situation though the embarrassment of him listening in your thoughts have weighed more than the strangeness of your interaction.
"No, um," he hesitates, "What I'm saying is that you were thinking out loud, and I accidentally heard them."
It had already been half an hour or so since your actual encounter with him. Your feet pushed and pulled as you swung yourself on the swing slowly, unsure of what to say to the other. Somehow, the stranger had convinced you to stay a little longer.
"Soobin," the person beside you finally spoke up. You looked at him with your eyes narrowed, wondering what he meant by that. And as if he saw the question your eyes held, he added, "My name. My name is Choi Soobin."
You made an 'o' shape with your mouth as you nodded slowly in understanding. You told him your name in return, your foot kicking on a pebble as you thought of Jimin again. It used to feel so nice to hear him call you by your name. "So, what are you doing here in the middle of the night?" You asked him.
"Hm, I could ask the same to you," he lets out a soft chuckle as he looked at you.
"Well, I came here to feel nothing, I guess," you told him truthfully and he tilted his head in confusion. "I mean, this is an abandoned playground. It feels empty. I'm feeling so many things at once and it's very overwhelming. And I just figured that, maybe, coming here will help me stop feeling all these things altogether."
"Hmm," you watched him as he hummed to himself, his gaze on the stars that have been accompanying the both of you in the silence of the night. "Is that how it works?"
"Well, I don't know and it doesn't really matter now," you replied with a sigh.
The both of you fell silent again, your breaths are the only thing that could be heard aside from the birds chirping in the distance. You look at him once more, taking in his features as if wanting to remember him and your encounter. A part of you had always been wishing you'd wake up from this dream anytime soon. And if you were to wake up then, maybe you'd want to remember him.
Now that you've watched him a little closely, you realized his hair had been dyed a dark blue. He's wearing a dark purple coat, and underneath it a blue and white striped sweater. A smile crept up your face as you recall something. He looks at you and catches you smiling while looking at him. He raised a brow, "What are you smiling about?"
"I'm sorry, something just came to mind," you told him, your smile slowly forming into one that seemed to carry pain. "Do you know what purple lilacs mean?" You asked him, shifting your eyes to the ground.
Soobin didn't say anything and just waited for what you had to say. "It means first love," you tell him, the smile on your lips finally disappearing and replaced with a frown. "Jimin had always given me lilacs every sixth day of the month. It was his way of letting me know that he's happy I'm his first love." It was foolish of me to think I'd be his last.
"Hey, you wanna go grab coffee or something? I bet you're already freezing," Soobin said after a long moment of silence.
"I don't think coffee is what I need right now, though," you thought to yourself as you chewed on your inner right cheek. "Do you mind if we go somewhere else? Kind of embarrassing, but I haven't eaten dinner yet." You stood up from the swing and walked over to him when he quickly nodded and jogged his way to the street, "I know just the place. Come on!"
Soobin turned around to face you with a playful smile on his lips, "Do you want your scarf back yet?"
You laughed a little at this and insisted, "It's not mine." Soobin just shrugged his shoulders and said, "I'll hold on to it for a while until you admit it's yours, then."
“I have lived my whole life here yet it’s the first time I’ve heard of this place,” you told Soobin as you watched him take a sip of his black coffee. “Do you come here a lot?”
“Hmm, yeah,” Soobin replied before taking another sip of his coffee. “I came here with my girlfriend... a lot...when she was with me...” He paused. He never really thought of talking about it with you. He wanted to accompany you and comfort you that night, not the other way around.
“Really? But where is she now?” You asked, your eyes widened at the fact that the person before you actually has someone special in his life. It’s not surprising to you that he’d have a girlfriend, but seeing him alone in the playground in the middle of the night does make you question why she’s not with him that night. “Why didn’t she come with you?”
Soobin fell silent, reaching out to his cheese bread before taking a few bites off of it. He was debating whether he should tell you about it or not, afraid that if he did then his eyes would betray him and show his tears. “She's no longer with me,” he hesitantly said, unsure of how he should word it out. “Don’t worry about it,” he said with a smile.
“I’m sorry, Soobin,” your eyes softened at the realization, feeling bad for making him remember, probably, an awful memory to him. “Are you alright?”
“Of course I am. She probably wouldn’t wanna see me all sad and miserable because of what happened. So, I promised her I will stay happy, even with her no longer with me.” Soobin then took another bite off his cheese bread before sending you another one of his charming smiles.
With Soobin so close and with the room that was well lit, you were able to see how his dimples reappear whenever his lips curved a smile and, also, how dark the bags under his eyes had looked that night. It made you wonder to yourself if the reason he was in that playground that night was because he didn’t want his girlfriend to see him cry as he was hidden in the darkness. You said nothing about it, not wanting to make him feel awkward and pretended not to notice.
You continued to eat your ramen, and took a quick glance on the wall clock not far from your table. It read: 12:34AM. “Amazing that such a place exists in a pretty remote area of the city and is open 24/7, huh?” You heard Soobin say with a little chuckle as he watched your facial expression.
“Sure is,” you admit with a nod. “So, after this, where do you wanna go?”
Soobin raised a brow at your question, “Don’t you wanna go home?” He asked you.
Home. Sure is an interesting word. “I mean, I don’t think I wanna go back yet. I was planning to do a little strolling. What about you?” You were fine with being alone. But it was a little surprising on your part when you felt yourself hope. A small part of you had hoped for him to say he didn’t wanna go home yet either. Maybe you wanted a little more of his company.
“Do you mind if I go with you?” He asked, chewing on his bread that never seemed to run out. “It’s pretty late and I don’t think my conscience would ever let me sleep knowing I left you alone in the streets.”
“I’ll be fine. I’m kind of used to being alone now,” you told him with a shrug, contradicting what you had just thought before. You watch him stifle a laugh and before you could say anything else, he stands up from his seat and reaches a hand out to you, “Then let me be one of the few people who will accompany you in moments when you think that way.”
Soobin took you to so many places in a short amount of time. He took you to an empty amusement park, spending all your time there talking and singing to the wind all the love songs you both enjoyed to sing before things happened.
And at that moment, you felt as if those love songs weren't only meant for lovers. That they were meant for everyone. Even those who have had their hearts broken. You wondered then why, to you, it always felt like it was forbidden for those songs to be enjoyed by people who haven't found their one love yet.
He also took you to church. Actually, the both of you were on your way to the boulevard when you passed by the church and he took your hand in his and ran to the big cross. The church, though not completely empty, was quiet. Almost like a library. The church seemed peaceful.
You've always believed in wishes. 11:11, falling stars, four-leaf clovers, stray eyelashes, and more. That night, you watched Soobin close his eyes and whisper to himself. It wasn't a wish. It was a prayer.
You wondered if he prayed for his girlfriend. Maybe. Maybe he prayed for himself too. The him without her.
When you arrived at the boulevard, Soobin thought it would be better if you sat by the stairs where the sea meets the land. "This is my favorite spot," Soobin told you as he guides you on the steps before you both sat down on the fourth step. "Well, our favorite spot."
At that moment, you realized something. A smile tugged on your lips, looking down to your knees before your gaze landed on the sea. "You know, you were wrong."
"About what?" Soobin tilted his head to the side, his gaze still fixed on the sea before you.
"About your girlfriend," you simply replied. He turned to you at the mention of his past lover, wondering what you meant. "She's not gone. She's still with you."
"What are you talking about?" He asked, his eyes wide open at the thought of you figuring it out.
You raised a brow at how he was acting when you realized what he meant. You stifled a laugh, "What? No! No, no. Not that." You watched him place a hand on his chest and heave out a sigh.
"Seriously, don't scare me like that," he said, glad you hadn't and played along. "But anyway, what did you mean when you said she isn't gone?"
"I mean, she isn't gone. At all. She's there with you. In your memories, and in your heart," you started to say. "And you love her all the same even without you having to see her every day."
"I do. I love her so much." Soobin shifted his gaze to the sea again. You could tell he was longing for her again. "I have always thought of her as my greatest love. I still do, really. But life is unfair like that. The moment you find the one person whom you'd want to spend your whole lifetime with, it takes them away from you." Or you away from them.
You fell silent, not sure what to say to him after what he said. He didn't say any more either as he listened to the waves crash and the tides pull out.
"You must be an angel," Soobin thought out loud and faced you once more. You turned to him then and locked eyes with him, his mesmerizing dark orbs already brimming with tears. "I guess we were really meant to meet and comfort each other tonight."
"Is that how it works?" You asked him with a faint smile on your face. "Does that make you an angel too?"
"The places we've been tonight, are the exact same places my girlfriend and I used to frequent back in the days. It hurts to be here alone." Soobin was starting to cry, but he never raised his sleeve up to wipe them away. He looked at you and noticed you were trembling because of the cold. Without saying anything, he took the purple scarf from inside his coat and wrapped it around your neck, "Sorry, I know you'd just say it isn't yours if I asked again. Just think of it as a lost scarf that we found in the playground and now you had to use it because of the cold. Genius, right?"
You laughed at his suggestion, not realizing there were already tears streaming down your face until you saw them drop in his hands. "Thank you for the scarf, Soobin."
You locked eyes once again, neither of you not wanting to turn away. "I miss you, Jae. I miss you so much," Soobin said while looking at you. "Thank you for being here."
Soobin then placed his hands behind your ears and pulled you in for a kiss. You could feel his tears streaming down your cheeks as well. When he let you go, he stood up to his feet and in panic, he bowed down to you repeatedly, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I really am. I won't bother you again."
Your eyes were wide open, shocked would be an understatement. When you looked back at him, he was doing a 90-degree bow with his eyes shut, his cheeks still stained with his tears, and maybe a mix of yours. "I'm really sorry, Y/N. I didn't mean to."
He never told you why he did it. After what happened, he just went up and left. He never came back, and you never saw him again. In the playground, the amusement park, the boulevard, the eatery, even in the church he wasn't there.
You stayed in the boulevard until sunrise the next day and the next couple of days, trying to recall everything that happened that night. Trying so hard to recall Soobin.
Until nothing came.
Not even a name.
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