@iam-toxxic - Tumblr Blog

Thinking of asking my psychopath ex to talk about it. Specifically because they lack empathy and I don’t want anyone to soothe me instead of having an actual conversation. Also they made a terrible decision as a teenager so they will definitely get that part

Maybe it’s not even that I can’t choose anymore or maybe I would want kids now but that it should have been a decision then. It was miserable and I can’t talk to anyone about it because I don’t know a single person who had even vaguely similar experiences. I missed all the good things about it too, because I didn’t want to be there. I don’t know how to live with that. I created so much pain and stress and confusion for myself and another person just because I didn’t know I could choose not to. How do I ever move on from that

#my life is falling apart lol

I’m so fucking angry; bought a pregnancy test just now and the lady in Dm had to unlock the fucking glass cage they were in, because apparently they get stolen a lot. Only thing she had to say about that was “I guess having children is expensive so maybe that’s where they save money” Like what??? The ovulation tests don’t have to be locked away, how does that not make you realize it’s most likely people who have no money or social stigma that steal them? Like for example drug addicts and CHILDREN

#the cheapest one is like 3 euros #you can’t tell me that’s where you’re losing a lot of money #the ignorance and cruelty is insane to me #not her fault personally of course #whoever makes those decisions should be fucking ashamed

I think it's this authority thing like my friend said. Guess I need to do something reckless for everybody to see so they get that I am not a replacement for their neglegtful parent but a crazy unreliable bitch they should never trust to fix their problems ever.

iam-toxxic

I'm so exhausted I don't know what to do I've somehow managed to put all of my energy into the wrong relationships and now I'm surrounded by people who want me to act as their babysitter/emotional support creature. Not giving advice, not relying on each other but me managing their emotions for them. How did I get here and why am I doing this to myself?? I'm repeating the cycle too, because once I get to the people who don't constantly pressure me for affection and care I have absolutely nothing left in me. I think maybe because I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about the ptsd stuff I kind of stopped talking to people all together (except when I felt like I had to). I haven't had a good nights sleep in like 4 weeks, whenever I do sleep I have the most disgusting, awful, guilt inducing, shameful nightmares, I can't clean my apartment and I'm actively avoiding everything that would move me forward in life. What the hell is wrong with me?

iam-toxxic

Similar situation with this french guy I've been hooking up with again. Last weekend I had to realize how fucking annoying this man is. It's pretty sad but his drug consumption is completely out of control and he has kind of lost touch with reality. Therefore every conversation is dragging in strange disconnected ways that make me feel like a social worker. Well guess what I'm not a fucking social worker and I don't have to do this if I don't want to (no idea why that was such a huge realization).

#I'm angry #really fucking angry #and resentful #it's not even their fault I am the one staying in those situations for way too long

Also either I'm going completely crazy or this person I know is. I guess we were friends but not anymore really, because she's been really really weird towards me and I don't know how to adress it, because I can't really tell her what specifically I have. a probem with. It started with her just staring at me constantly, then I noticed she stands wayyy to close to me whenever we are in the same area. She tries hugging me without asking even after I've declined to hug other people who did ask. And this sounds completely made up but I think I caught her trying to copy my body language and gestures??? Also yesterday I realized her laugh is very very similar to mine but I don't know if that has always been the case or is a coincidence or what. It feels really invasive, like she is trying to merge with me. For all of those reasons I've been avoiding her but she still asked me to come to the hair dresser with her for "emotional support". I'm sorry but if you would know me at all you would know that I absolutely don't want to do that. I told her I can't and also that I think I'm not the right kind of person to ask and even after that she needed to let me know that she really doesn't have anyone else. Well guess what you don't have me either?? I think if I would have adressed that stuff the first time I noticed it would have been okay, but at this point I just need her to get away from me.

#this is such a dumb situation to be in #normal people would have just told her to fuck off #also very uncomfortable gender implications #like are you trying to understand womanhood through me?#because that is kind of insulting #I want absolutely nothing to do with that concept

I'm so exhausted I don't know what to do I've somehow managed to put all of my energy into the wrong relationships and now I'm surrounded by people who want me to act as their babysitter/emotional support creature. Not giving advice, not relying on each other but me managing their emotions for them. How did I get here and why am I doing this to myself?? I'm repeating the cycle too, because once I get to the people who don't constantly pressure me for affection and care I have absolutely nothing left in me. I think maybe because I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about the ptsd stuff I kind of stopped talking to people all together (except when I felt like I had to). I haven't had a good nights sleep in like 4 weeks, whenever I do sleep I have the most disgusting, awful, guilt inducing, shameful nightmares, I can't clean my apartment and I'm actively avoiding everything that would move me forward in life. What the hell is wrong with me?

#actually I'm realizing it's their mom they want me to be #shit #stupid fucking shit

json-derulo

"you were always such a good kid! we never had to worry about you :)" thanks! you actually should've, though. like about this specifically

#it’s so embarrassing to still/again be so upset about my childhood #but seriously how did none of these people realize how unwell I was #it’s disturbing that I only understand now what happened to me #and how bad it was

I feel so sick and I don’t know what to do

What is going on with this year and why can’t it stop just for a few weeks so I can catch a break?

#my mom told me something really destabilizing that happened #but it’s all good *she* doesn’t have any strong feelings about it #something that literally doesn’t impact her but was devastating news to me #which she new because she also told me she avoided telling me until now #this woman is driving me increasingly insane the longer I know her #I thought this would get easier the older I get

Also all of you should go watch the chainsaw man movie

iam-toxxic

Ok turns out maybe I should not have stopped my antidepressants after all

iam-toxxic

Off to the psychiatrist because I’ve finally had enough! I just started screaming because I couldn’t find something and almost destroyed a piece of furniture twice this morning, I need to be properly medicated right fucking now

#also this clearly not withdrawal it’s been about two months #this is just what happens if you let my mind roam free with no accommodations #if you know: how does it feel like to live with a brain that is not actively trying to KILL you?#I guess it’s good to be reminded how terrible it feels to be this suicidal lol

Ok turns out maybe I should not have stopped my antidepressants after all

#ughh I’m just spending all of my time regulating sadness now #I’ve been so on edge lately #just horrible mood swings #or it’s the birth control that I stopped at the same time lol #I’m now realizing that was all a bit reckless maybe

I feel like starting a fight or something

#like I'm not that angry #theres just all of these situations around me where people behave in wild ways #and expect others to just accept that #idk #like this guy (I kinda was friends with at some point) who dates my friend and treats her like she is fucking dumb #I just feel like my interlect could be perfectly weaponized here for a good cause #nobody has ever told these debate bro fuckers to shut up because the way they speak is confusing #but I understand what they are saying and they are simply not saying much

plushcorp

yoy all just hate me because I'm cold and distant and don't put effort into any relationships and off putting and frustrating to try to help or make plans with and I don't text and I don't call and I don't like doing much and I constantly make excuses for it all

I had a conversations yesterday that was so stupid that I actually got a bit angry; some guy tried to explain to me how smelling bad is actually unconsentual. I'm not even kidding, he didn't even mean people putting on too much perfume, he meant just how people smell. Also it was the kind of guy who walked around all night offering massages to people. I got so pissed after that interaction I left.

#also interesting how you have to touch someone while mansplaining to them that that would be violationg their boundaries #the man was at least 35 too #how embarrassing

I think it’s really strange and also unfair that nobody has invited me to an over the top valentines date eventhough I don’t answer any of the messages I get on dating apps or even my own friends

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