I know how youāve been feeling today. Your life feels empty, and the sad truth is that you have nobody to blame for anything thatās happened . Unlike most people, you havenāt blamed yourself, because you know that you have done everything in your capacity to make things work, to make things happen. I know how ambitious you are, and you do everything you need to do to make your parents proud, to make them happy again. You have no one to share your pain with. Mainly since your pain isnāt because of some tragic accident or loss of life, neither is it because of a sappy breakup or a nasty flu.
But you can feel your true self breaking down a little bit more with every passing day. Thereās so much you want to do and so much you want to achieve and you know that you have it in you, yet itās always a dead end.
You look back in time and see a different version of yourself, someone you canāt recognize now. You have no idea how to define yourself any more. You were a social maniac and have always found yourself the most comfortable among people, lots and lots of people, friends, foes, family, strangers and you managed to plant a seed of memory into everyone youāve ever met.
Now youāre uncomfortable to be around people, you repel even making a healthy eye contact with someone passing by. I know you arenāt scared or tense to interact with them - to ask how theyāre doing, but youāve lost the urge to make bonds anymore.
Youāve met all kinds of people, seen through each one of them but youāve realized that no matter how well you know and understand them, you walk right into a boulder beyond which you cannot see, beyond which you know thereās a spot where all their weaknesses lie, and you peek between the brick walls and recoil back - you have seen the ugly side.
This side of them is nasty and no matter what is said or done following it, youāve lost your trust, you just canāt go back to square one all over again. You know you can never be the same with them again. And as you walk away from them, you know theyāve taken off a small chunk out of you. These chunks total up to the whole of you and you lose yourself running away from them. You cannot risk losing anymore. So you walk alone, and everyday you die a little more.
You now focus on the few people you trust and youād do anything for them. I know very well how greatly you suck at expressing your love towards these people, somehow you feel that if you reveal it to them youāll lose the love you have for them, theyāre eager and hope to hear it from you. Your family wants to hear you say that you love them. But you just cannot, because youāve never learned how to. Youāve never told anyone confidently the way they show it movies, to confess love. You love them too much, itās scary to say it out loud. But you show it in ways nobody ever does.
You have your own weird ways, only if they could listen. Only if they could listen when you scream at them and cry out of guilt the very next moment, when you swear at them now and internally curse yourself next, when you ignore them because you do not want to say youāre sorry, when you plan big to see them happy, when you struggle to smile even as youāre dying inside only so that they donāt sense your sadness.
You are scared to express that you are vulnerable and you are scared to admit that you are scared. You prefer to be an emotionless robot to them, because youāll never be able to prove how much you really care. They distance themselves from you naturally, and again, you die a little bit inside.
But you know youāre amazing at being a lioness when you want to, your wounds make you stronger and thatās how you like seeing yourself - a lioness on the hunt. And you walk with all your pride as you walk by the people that youād rather have by your side, again you die a little inside, yet you walk alone with all your pride.
