Well, It's Me

[iamkristrammell]

A Quick Update

So I have checked out getting a nutrutionist and personal trainer and let me tell you, IT IS EXPENSIVE!

Another thing I have done is attempted to use a facebook page and podcast to keep me on the right track but it hasn't helped yet. I am thinking of trying to pick it up again though. Maybe it will work this time? Fingers crossed!

[iamkristrammell]

Accountability...

Yeah, the title says it all. I need SOMEONE to hold me accountable for my weight loss, eating habits and how much I lay around doing nothing.

I can't do it alone and I don't have anyone around that will hold me accountable for any of those things.

It's mostly my fault because I do a great job of isolating myself from pretty much everyone because I don't like that many people. Plus, in a way to keep myself from getting hurt from romantic and non-romantic relationships I just don't have that many or I don't develop an attachment to people.

Look at me now, friendless and in bad shape healthwise.

Anyone want to help?

[iamkristrammell]

Some recent selfies! I've been smiling a lot more in the last few years.

[iamkristrammell]

Wait, I Spot A Kris In The Wild!

Simply put, I suck. I started this tumblr with the intention to make it a HABIT but as you can tell from the last three years, that hasn't worked out very well.

That is to go with all the habits I have tried to start over the years since creating this blog. Some of those are taking more photos while just walking around, walking, losing weight, sleeping more and so on and so forth.

NONE and I mean none of those have became a habit for me. I'm still unhappy and don't have the motivation to change anything about it. In my head I really want to but when it comes down to it, I don't do it at all.

I want to rewire my brain so that I do have that motivation but I don't know where to start. I don't really have the support to do it either. People will say they are there to support and help me succeed but when I need them, they are silent.

Hiring A Personal Trainer and/or Nutritionist

I have contacted a personal trainer but man oh man does that cost a lot of money. Money that I don't have. It was like $1500 for 40 sessions with a personal trainer, which I am sure is normal but I don't have that kind of money to just use.

Same with a nutritionist, the lady I talked to said that it would be like $400/month just to talk on the phone once a week and she called that the accountability package. I could however purchase extra phone calls for $50/call.

Going Over Everything....

Now that could take a long time. Maybe if I set up an alarm once a week to post here that would get me to do it.

[iamkristrammell]

Portfolio

I know that I have a ton....okay a couple follower but I have another blog that will double as my portfolio for awhile. This will be until I get around to building my website. The portfolio link is http://portfolio.iamkristrammell.com. There is nothing on it at the moment but I look to add some things shortly.

[iamkristrammell]

Medication

At some point last year, I don’t even remember when now I began taking a couple medications for my depression and mood swings. I was very reluctant to take them because of course that meant admitting to everyone in my life that I actually had a problem. 

Taking them has helped my life so much. I no longer overthink everything or sit in my bedroom and cry at night. I know that medicine may not help everyone in the same way it has helped me but if you think that for a second that there may be a chance that it will help you should try.

I was afraid that it was going to turn me into a zombie that doesn’t like anything and it probably has made me dislike some thing as much as I used to but nothing like a zombie. I still love Netflix, Video Games and other things that I loved before the medication.

[iamkristrammell]

Kentucky Kingdom Fun

A couple weekends ago my family and I went to Kentucky Kingdom for a couple days and it was a blast! I only rode a few roller coasters then got in the water for the rest of the days.

The second day was just all water fun! We got there at opening time and we were able to ride all the water rides within the hour which was amazing.

We got these protective cases for our phones which worked amazingly by the way. I was able to get a couple videos while going around the Adventure River which turned out really great!

You can check out my pictures, well some of them on my instagram, just check out @iamkristrammell on there.

[iamkristrammell]

Insecurities

Over the next few posts I make I will be going over some of my insecurities. Maybe doing this will help me realize that I shouldn’t be so insecure about those things.

[iamkristrammell]

I Am Disgusted With Myself

As the title states, I am disgusted with myself. I went to the doctor the other day and I weigh between 245 and 251 pounds (111.13 and 113.852 kilos). That is horrible and I really need to begin losing weight and fast.

On top of that I now have to wear a CPAP machine when I sleep. This is to help with my sleep apnea, which is probably caused by me being overweight. The mask sucks and it is uncomfortable. I have to wear it for at least 4 to 5 hours a night or my insurance won’t cover it.

I rode my bike over to my sisters house a few days ago which is about 3.0 miles there and back. I had the hardest time breathing and my sides began hurting. I have always had weight on me but I have never been this out of shape.

I have decided that I am going to walk everyday, which began on Monday. I have done it two days in a row so far and I really hope I can keep it up. I don’t really have anyone to help keep me motivated and to push me to do more which really sucks.

Today I began doing some conditioning workouts and I really hope to keep that up so I can lose weight fast. It’s just that I have no motivation to do this stuff on my own and need help at the moment so I don’t know if I can keep it up.

I started on the 1st, well 2nd of May with this no fast food for thirty days and I am going to be coming up on 2 weeks in a few days. I was allowed a cheat day on Mothers Day though. I do have someone helping me with this somewhat. Savannah has been great with helping me by sending me healthy or somewhat healthy recipes. I do wish she seems more into wanting to help me though instead of it seeming like I am forcing her to do so.

All in all I am really trying to better my health but I am scared that I won’t be able to because of my lack of motivation. As I said earlier, I have no one to help push me to do these things on the daily and I really wish I did. Maybe one day I will have my own motivation but that day is not today.

Starting Weight: 248 Pounds Goal Weight: 175 Pounds Difference:  73 Pounds

[iamkristrammell]

Haven’t Posted In Awhile

I haven’t posted on this blog in a few months and that because things have been going okay for awhile. Of course I have my bad days and nights but for the most part it has been good.

I’m still stupidly in love with the girl who has no interest in me and for some reason I can’t shake her. Its under control and since I am not attached anymore things between us have been going good. We still have our arguments but for the most part it has been really good.

I am still continuously overthinking everything, that always sucks. I go over these scenarios that will most likely never happen and I either get really happy or really bummed out.

Anyway, that is all for right now. I hope everyone is enjoying 2016 so far!

[iamkristrammell]

What Is A Friend

To me a friend is someone who isn’t afraid to show people they care about you. It doesn’t have to be anything spectacular but just show people you aren’t afraid to be around them.

It seems to me that I am the type of friend that you call your best friend but in public you pretend you don’t care about me. Instead you play and mess around with other people. Which is all fine but you can’t tell me I am your best friend in private and then avoid me in public. A friendship doesn’t work like that.

To me it seems like you are ashamed that you are my friend or that you care about me. You will do all these things with other people in public but fail to acknowledge me. When I do ask to talk I get these stupid looks like “Why do you want to speak to me” or “Oh my god, stay away from me.”

I don’t really understand how you can call someone your best friend and then treat them like that. I mean, I asked you to speak to me and you look around like “Does anyone see me speaking to you.”

Those looks make me feel the lowest of the low. Don’t be my friend in private if you can’t be my friend in public.

[iamkristrammell]

Being On A High

No, of course I don’t mean being high! I’m talking about actually feeling good about yourself because you either aren’t attached to someone or that person is an actual constant in your life.

Being on a high when you are suffering from depression or even if you aren’t is an amazing feeling. It’s like you are in the honeymoon phase of a relationship. You are on cloud 9 and it feels like nothing can bring you down.

For me being on a high means that I see myself as being important to someone and that means that maybe, just maybe I am good enough. That person seems to want to be around me and wants to talk to me and they don’t care what anyone says or thinks about me.

This is when I actually begin to feel happy. Being happy for me is rare, the only time I feel happy is when I am with my nieces and nephews. If I get the chance to feel happy when I am away from them then that is an amazing feeling.

The Fall

Being on a high has it’s perks of course but it also has a horrible downside. The fall is a very harsh and dark time. Most people or people who aren’t depressed have an easier fall. They just go back to being their normal selves.

For me, the fall is a deep dark hole that I couldn’t imagine climbing my way out of. I begin to always second guess my worth to people and will sometimes avoid them all together. Being by myself means that I can’t disappoint anyone.

Other times I will have outbursts of anger that aren’t aimed at anyone but myself. Like recently I was angry so I decided that I would punch a wall on my way out from work. Stupid idea but I am fine if you were concerned.

[iamkristrammell]

Feeling Invisible

Feeling invisible is horrible and it sucks for everyone. When you are made to feel invisible to the person you are attached to makes things so much worse.

When I am made to feel invisible by the person I am attached to it makes me feel like I am invisible to everyone and that no one cares. Not that I care if those other people care or not but being ignored by the person you are attached is like you don’t exist period.

The only thing that person needs to do is make an effort, a small effort to show that hey, you aren’t only there when I need you. You aren’t only around to make me feel better. Not that the person you are attached to sees you like that, it’s just how I feel sometimes.

When said person doesn’t really acknowledge that you are someone that means something to them then it makes me feel like I am not good enough to be shown to their friends and even though you talk outside of school or work on the phone or through text that you aren’t good enough to be seen in public with that person.

The same goes for when trying to hang out with that person. They say you are their friend, best friend even but when you try to spend time with them they always say no or come up with some reason why they can’t. That there also makes you feel like you aren’t good enough for their world.

You don’t know the reason why they do what they do and it makes you feel like you are completely unwanted by them. Who knows, maybe they did have something else to do but to you being told no or that they are busy sounds like “You aren’t good enough to be seen with me.”

I know I mix up with saying ‘you’ and ‘I’ but this is all my experience with depression, fear of abandonment and feeling invisible.

[iamkristrammell]

The Thing About Trust...

In this post I am going to be going over trust and how trust works weird with me.

Let’s start by saying that I trust everyone until they give me a reason not to. This isn’t to say I trust everyone the same amount right off the bat. Some people I will trust a lot more than others when I first meet them. It is all about that first impression.

Now even with me trusting everyone and trying to see the best in everyone I still have to be reassured that they aren’t going to leave me suddenly. This is what creates a gap between myself and the person that I need that reassurance from. I always find a way to build a bridge but it is an old wood bridge that I usually break down quickly.

I can trust you with my life but I will still make it seem like I don’t by always making a joke or asking you about leaving me. This has nothing to do with that person, usually. It has to do with my views of myself and how much I am worth in my own eyes. You can see me as the most important person in your life and never plan on leaving my life but to me, I am nothing and I am replaceable.

Let’s give an example. A laptop is something that you replace after a few years or after it has been broken or you can’t get out of it what you need. To me, I am that laptop you plan on replacing when a better model comes out. I am so afraid that if you see how broken I really am that you will just leave me behind like I am junk.

Whether anyone reads this or not, I don’t know but I am hoping that me putting this down will help me realize that maybe I am worth something to some people.

[iamkristrammell]

Becoming Attached

Becoming attached to someone isn’t really a choice, well not in my case. It is kind of like falling in love, I can’t really choose who I become attached to. I have became attached to guys and I have became attached to girls.

A lot of people confuse the two but they are different. Falling in love with someone is different from becoming attached to someone because when you fall in love with someone you want to be around them all the time and talk to them all the time. When you are attached to someone, again at least in my case I feel like I need to talk to that person and need to be around them.

If that person isn’t giving me attention or is ignoring me then I automatically feel like I have done something wrong or that they will never speak to me again. I will bug them and apologize many times or until they begin speaking to me again. My mind will go many places when I feel like this, it will make me believe that they have found someone better or they have realized that you aren’t worth their time. This isn’t a feeling that I want to feel, I don’t even want the thought in my head.

People that you are attached to automatically assume that you think that you don’t trust them or that you are a very clingy person. I personally am not a clingy person but because I have a constant need to be reassured that someone isn’t leaving me for someone better makes it seem like I am. Me needing reassurance that you aren’t going anywhere has no reflection on the person I am currently attached to, it all has to do with my views of my self and what I think I am worth.

Being both in love and attached to the same person is another beast all together.

When I am in love with and attached to the same person at the same time it creates hell on earth for me. I myself am fine with letting the person I am with have their space and time away from me, I believe it is best not to spend so much time together. I learned that the hard way back in high school. Then my thoughts of my self worth and my fear of abandonment kick in and are like “Well guess what, they have moved on and don’t want you anymore.” This, no matter how much I fight it makes me seem very clingy and like I don’t trust that person.

This creates a problem between myself and that person because even though I love and trust them it always seems like I don’t because I need to be in constant contact with them to make sure they still love me and haven’t found someone new. I hate that and I hate how it makes me and them feel.

Anyway, I think that is enough on becoming attached. At least for now. I know my blogging and writing skills aren’t that great but I am working on it.

[iamkristrammell]

An Overview...

In this post I am going to be giving an overview and probably more about my kind of depression. Please note that not all depression is the same and that everyone that suffers from depression have different triggers.

First I want to begin by telling you where my depression began and where others believe it began. My depression is due to a fear of abandonment. This began when my grandmother Debra passed away. Other than my mom she was the most important person to me. My cousins and I would stay at her house every weekend, go over for holidays and always have a blast.

In 2002 my grandmother passed away due to cancer. Now I know it wasn’t her choice to leave me but I was 10 or 11 at the time and I didn’t understand that. Some think, including me that I didn’t get the closure I needed. It was one night she was there and then the next morning she was gone. It probably didn’t help that my father who was rarely in my life was the one that told me about her passing.

From that point on I was angry at the world and this lasted for a good 5 or 6 years. I know, all teenagers are angry at the world but most don’t know the reason. For me, being angry was better than being sad all the time so I lashed out any chance I could for any reason.

Let’s rewind a bit, from the point that my grandma died on I always became attached to a single person, it could be a guy or a girl, didn’t matter.

Woah, I just realized this is more of a backstory than an overview of my depression.

Let’s try and get back on track here. I know that she had left everyone in my family and that she was probably as important to them as she was to me. Again, I was 10 or 11 and in my mind she had just left me there feeling sad and I had no understanding of why. So at even a young age I had began to question my self worth and if I knew at the time that this was a type of depression I could have probably told my mom and gotten help but I didn’t and over the years it has grown.

I had a best friend named Gavin when I was that age and his little brother, although I have no recollection of this says that he remembers a time when I cried because Gavin wouldn’t hang out with me. This was probably shortly after my grandma passed away and I felt that if he didn’t want to hang out with me then I wasn’t worth his time and would be replaced with another friend. Gavin was my constant that time and since he didn’t want to hang out I felt I was losing that constant which made me feel as though I was nothing to him.

A constant is someone or something that is part of your daily life and your only true constant is yourself. You are the only thing in your life everyday. After Gavin, I don’t remember how long before I became best friends with Darian, it probably wasn’t long.

Well, this is still a backstory. Sorry for the misinformation earlier.

I think I am going to end this post here and pick up my depression on another post. I apologize for not covering what I was going to but some parts of this are about my kind of depression.

[iamkristrammell]

Who Am I?

The question and topic of this blog is to figure out who I am. Well I am here to tell you a little bit about me.

You see all these posts about the types of guy a girl wants. I am here to say I am most of those guys in one. Do I get the time of day? Of course not, these girls love the idea of a guy who does these things but don’t actually want that kind of guy. If you don’t know what I am talking about you will very shortly.

I am the kind of guy who completely loyal to the ones he loves. You never have to question my loyalty. I am the kind of guy that if you need me 3:32AM for almost any reason I will talk to you until everything is fine. If you need me to come over, I will be there. If you tell me you are out front and just need someone to talk to, I will sit out there all night talking to you. If you need me to sit on the phone and never say a word, I will do that too.

I am the kind of guy who will watch every chick flick in the book just to see you smile. You would never hear me complain once. I will watch all your favorite TV shows. If it means spending time with you then I will watch it.

I am the kind of guy who will put his controller down while in the middle of a multiplayer match to text you back or talk to you on the phone. I don’t care about my K/D ratio so if you want to play, take it over and I will teach you. If you don’t like the game, I won’t get rid of it but we can find a game you will like.

I am the kind of guy who will get you flowers just because it’s Wednesday. I will risk getting your cold so I can come take care of you. I won’t avoid hanging out with you because you are on your period, I will bring you chocolate and a movie so we can spend time together.

I am emotional and I was raised that crying or showing you care isn’t a sign of weakness. If I ever tell you that I am in love with you or you mean a lot to me then you can believe it and you never have to second guess it.

Does this mean I am perfect? No, I am far from perfect.

Do I get jealous/territorial? Yes I do, I see how amazing you are so I expect everyone else to see it to. If I find you beautiful then I automatically assume that everyone else sees how beautiful you are. I want to show you off and let everyone know you are my better half and I want you to do the same with me.

I am a depressed person and I require a lot of attention. If I text you back fast no matter what then I expect you to do the same. I am not afraid to double text you. Shit, I will bug the shit out of you until you text back. Am I afraid to admit that? No, if I care about you then I’m not going to pretend I don’t.

Back on to the depression. Sometimes thoughts will go through my head, this doesn’t mean that I actually want the thought to be there, they just come up. These thoughts suck and they do take a toll. An example, I have recently thought well what happens when you no longer need someone to lean on, what will happen to us? This does not mean that I want you to remain depressed or sad. I never want anyone to feel the way I do. This thought has absolutely nothing to do with what I think of you, it has to do with what I think of me and my worth. In your mind I could be your everything but in my mind I am nothing.