Ayahuasca Retreat - part2
Ayahuasca, the mother vine had called on me again. I was thinking about doing another ceremony last December 2017. It’s just that mother plant dint want me to... yet. She always design the retreat for me on right time and in the right place with the right people. It is very sacred so I shouldn’t rush and push if it’s impossible. She made everything feasible and a lil bit effortless in March of 2018.
This time I had ONE brew. A brew derived from Peru. Still in Thailand but I went to one of its beautiful island, in Koh Phangan. I was in a group of 10 and the shaman is from USA. Since it was a large group he got himself an assistant lady shaman; who sang and played music for us beautifully. He said he chose a lady so the energy will be like yin-yang.
Last year when I had my ceremony in Chiang Mai, I had so many intentions. Some of it were answered, mostly purging and releasing past trauma. Now my intentions were firm and concise. I want mother Ayahuasca to let me see what she think I need and would be very beneficial for my retreat.
The first ceremony was wonderful. I just let the medicine do its job and let it heal me. I purged a lot. I even tasted the tofu and rice I ate a few hours before the event. Each Ayahuasca experience I had was different. A lot happened. The shaman gave me 2 cups. The 1st one got digested in my system but the 2nd one it did for a bit coz after a few minutes I just purged it. Not much of thowing up compared to the 2nd ceremony I had in Chiang Mai. I purge after the medicine reacted. I felt warm almost grasping of air. I wanted to remove all my clothes and leave just my undies on but I resisted to do it. Instead I went out of the dome for a bit crawling towards the exit.
One intention I had last year that was left unanswered was about my ex-boyfriend for four years. I want to understand him and mother Ayahuasca answered it this time. I kept on seeing his faces bouncing and smiling at me. I sobbed a lot as I felt how he was feeling depressed during our relationship. Not depress because of our relationship but the “situation”. I felt hurt from my spine to my heart. It breaks my heart feeling how he felt. I still love him… that time my heart was pounding fast saying I love him.
Then I saw my children’s’ pain. How they long for me to stay home with them for good. My other intention was to know if I should stay longer where I am working right now, or go abroad to work and explore or go home to my kids and work there and be with them. Ayahuasca told me to go HOME. It breaks my heart feeling and seeing how heavy it is for my kids not being with me. I saw how my son was dying whenever I leave home. His heart was bleeding. I started working away from him when he was almost 2 years old. He never had me longer than a week or two after that.
Ayahuasca assured me that I will be OK if I go home for good and be with my kids. She even told me what I can do to sustain life. So when I need to integrate I won’t have a hard time. It seem easy when she let me visualized it but in reality it wasn’t.
She also told me that I had enough ceremony and that I should integrate and go home to my kids. When she said it, I was doubting to do the 2nd ceremony. It’s like 20% is telling me I should but 80% of my brain saying it was enough for now. I gave it a day to think about it. I let the 2nd ceremony pass.
For a few days I thought about my 1st encounter and I stepped out from the picture. That was when I realized that I had follow-up questions and I should not go home without talking to her again.
The ceremonies took place in a forest-like setting inside a dome. It was solemn but my 3rd trip or should I say my 2nd trip was incredible and fascinating. I went wwoooooosshh!!! I had 2 cups as well. The 2nd cup tasted still strong but the after taste was sweet.
Firstly, it was so hard to deal with the medicine considering that my body was resisting it. I went out of the dome to get some air and thinking it would help me with that difficult moment. I called the shaman’s attention to help me stop the medicine so I could just go home. At the back of my mind I said I should’ve listened to her when she said I should not do another ceremony anymore for that retreat. Resisting the medicine was challenging. I asked myself, what I have gotten into? The shaman told me that he has nothing handy to make the medicine stop. The only option for me is to purge.
I went inside the dome and drank water to help dilute it, but no help. So I just said to myself, f*ck it! Let’s do this. Since the medicine is in me and I know I need it and there is no way for me to override, then I have to deal with it. I just need to trust the process and everything will be fine when then sun comes up. So I lay down on my “bed” and let the medicine do its purpose. The moment my body gave in, slowly I couldn’t control what I think and what I see anymore. My eyes would shut down by its own. I just have to remember to breathe.
My vision became cosmic. I saw Ganesh dancing and Shiva. My soul was dancing…singing and laughing. I was migrating from one unfamiliar place to another. What I can remember is that it was a starry night and there were frogs or maybe toads on the lake. There were fireflies… Lilies…and the moon was so bright. I was just in nature. Trees, grasses and the wind blowing but not much. I couldn’t explain the happiness I have in me. So much positive energy!
Then the most amazing thing happened. I felt how much my ex-boyfriend still loves and cares for me. I was crying continuously and couldn’t stop. My soul was looking for his for a bit. I felt my soul’s sadness and how her heart was broken. My soul misses him so much. She showed me that this is how he loves me. She showed me how much he loves my soul and not just my physical being. There were flashbacks when we were still together and his soul was hugging mine from behind. He was there for me throughout my journey. I don’t need to search for him. I shouldn’t be afraid and feel hopeless about what’s going to happen, coz he is there with me. He will be my guide, she said. It was beautiful...
Mother vine mentioned that I and he will see each other again in the future. Then our souls were happy like jumping for joy. She said we need to sacrifice for now that we are not together and be hopeful. She will make it more beautiful next time and lasting... I couldn’t stop sobbing still. I was and I am grateful that Ayahuasca gave me HOPE. I know our love is forever and we will care for each other until our dying day.
There was this moment when we, in the group were communicating thru energy: our brain waves inside the dome. Whenever I hear a sound it will make an echo. That is when I felt that my soul was separated from my body. I felt that I was dying inside but I was still breathing. I can still hear my heart beating. I was hearing the shaman asking all of us if we were OK. All my senses were very sensitive and active.
We closed the ceremony by saying the Om sound. It was enchanting and gave us so much power for the future. I felt so much GRATITUDE… LOVE… and HOPE. Now it is time for me to integrate. I need to meditate a lot and meditate every day to continuously feeling ecstatic. I promise myself to get rid of the earthly desires like alcohol, casual sex, etc. I did this ceremonies not just for me but for my family. It might take a while for me to have another ceremony, again. For sure I will look forward to it when it happens.
Mother Ayahuasca parted me a gift of intuition. This time it’s powerful than I had before. I will use it to protect myself and my beloved ones. I will forever be grateful for this experience. THANK YOU!