I Am Snack Monster

I love snacks. So hard.

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Weird, But Good: Cucumber, Mango, Salt, Lime & Chili Pepper

I bought these snacks on the streets of Guadalajara, Mexico from a friendly dude wielding a machete and a hand juicer. In a few swift, effortless gestures he (1) peeled the shit out of my fruit, (2) lopped it into bit-size chunks, (3) squeezed two limes worth of juice on each snack, and (4) finished off each container with a healthy pinch of coarse salt and a drizzle of chili pepper paste.

The papaya-watermelon (upper right) was pretty solid. But I've gotta say the cucumber-mango combination, which was suggested to me by a co-worker of mine, was the winner.

Verdict: I could eat this shit all day long.

Snack monster travel tip: the Spanish word for cucumber is pepino, which should come in, like, super handy...

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Coleslaw: A Side or a Snack?

I love coleslaw. So much that somebody once made me a giant plate of it for my birthday (no joke). Needless to say I was pretty stoked when I found this staring back up at me from a styrofoam to-go container.

Truth be told, the dressing on this slaw could have been a bit tangier. But the fact that I devoured the entire mini pile of cabbage, carrots, onion and red peppers in about 25 seconds is testament to the slaw's other redeeming qualities -- like crunchiness and, um, pepper-i-ness.

Philosophical question: Is coleslaw a snack or a side dish? Discuss.

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You Say Kati Roll, I Say Indian Burrito

Chipotle, you've been warned. This Indian burrito -- which I gather is called a Kati roll? -- is G-DAMN DELICIOUS. As soon as word gets out, your whole franchise is going down...

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The Aged Snack: Birthday Cake

Birthday cake. Because it gets better with age. Just like us.

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Let them eat croissants!

Because why settle for a normal-sized portion of flakey, buttery croissant goodness when you can get it jumbo-sized. With cheese in the middle?

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The $3 Meatball

I bought this meatball on the street for three dollars. Does anyone know if I got ripped off? What the going market price for a delicious, Italian-style pork meatball daubed lightly with mariana sauce? No matter. This thing was tangy and meaty and delicious.

You can read more about this particular meatball purveyor (or is it meatball monger?) at the Wednesday Chef.

Now it's time for some meatball trivia:

Italian meatballs are called polpette

Meatballs was a 1979 comedy that my parents never let me watch -- it was also the first film to feature Bill Murray in a starring role

The dish spaghetti and meatballs is a bastardization of authentic Italian food. Apparently you're supposed eat the meatball straight-up -- no pasta.

Which is exactly what I did. Which I'm pretty sure makes me molto italiano...

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This Leftover Hot Dog Tasted Pretty Good

OK, you may not find leftover hot dogs to be particularly appetizing. But before you judge me, consider the following:

(1) In order to attain some degree of crispiness, I took the extra to to reheat this bad boy in the toaster oven, not the microwave.

(2) There was some really tasty spicy brown mustard in there.

(3) I'm pretty sure the hot dog was a free range hot dog. Or maybe it was nitrite free.

(4) I stuffed a Claussen dill pickle in there for good measure (and because I was out of relish).

All in all, it hit the spot. Go ahead and judge.

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Horseradish Cheddar Spread: Pure Gold

So, here's the good news: this stuff is phenomenal. It's creamy and cheesy and kinda salty and, um, a little bit horesradishy. It tastes great on Triscuits. And it'll bring a certain je ne sais quoi to your smoked salmon cracker explosion.

The bad news? I have no idea how to pronounce this brand's name. Seriously. When was the last time you saw "mph" in the middle of a word? Not this guy. (Yes, I know I'm not making any sense.)

No matter. If you ever see this at the grocery store, don't even think about it: buy three containers of this stuff, a box of Triscuits and have yourself a "Trempherbe" ball.

Original Article

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Smoked Salmon Snack Cracker Explosion

There's not a lot to say here. Well, unless I were you. In which case, I'd say: "I am so insanely jealous you got to eat that delicious salmon snack cracker that's staring me in the face right now. No, seriously. That stuff about what would you do for a 'Klondike bar'? Total amateurs. I would step on my grandmother's face just to have a nibble of your cracker."

To make your own salmon snack cracker explosion, take the following ingredients and just kind of pile 'em on a cracker. Then, stuff in your face.

Smoked salmon

Cream cheese (or, for extra kick, fancy horseradish cheddar spread)

Red onion

Capers

Squeeze of lemon

The best part? My brother-in-law smoked the salmon in our backyard. (Pictures to come.) And my sister made the snack for me. I didn't have to life a finger!

Verdict: F-ing delicious.

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Pop Goes the World (with White Cheddar)

Where I work, we always have a stocked fridge of a ton of bevies (none of the adult-type though). While my employer often has catered lunches, the only food it regularly stocks and supplies to staff is popcorn.

So every day at about 3:45 I get insane hunger pangs. Sometimes I want sweet, and sometimes I want savory. When I want savory, popcorn is my default choice. Actually, it's everyone's default choice.

About a year ago one of my coworkers brought in the white cheddar powder. It's communal. Another co-worker summed it up perfectly this afternoon as we were all getting our popcorn fix, "Why would I not want to put that on?"

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Leftover Pancake: Snacking Your Way Back to the Weekend

Left over pancake batter got you down? Do not fear...day old batter can easily be turned into a 9:30 pm, dessert snack. Directions:

(1) Change into your pajamas (2) Heat up a pan (3) Melt a giant hunk of butter (4) Scoop in a dollop of that day old pancake batter

Cook that little baby cake until golden brown and your house smells like Saturday morning. If you're feeling really crazy, go ahead and slap some vanilla ice cream on top. Do it. I dare you.

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Scotch Eggs: Crispy, Meaty, Eggy & Salty

Guess what? I was on a boat today. Also, guess what? I ate the sh*& out of some scotch eggs.

What's a Scotch egg, you ask? The good folks at Wikipedia tell it to you straight:

A Scotch egg consists of a shelled hard-boiled egg, wrapped in a sausage meat mixture, coated in breadcrumbs, and deep-fried. Scotch eggs are commonly eaten cold, typically with salad and pickles.

There weren't any pickles or salad to be had. But I wasn't complaining. I was too busy snarfing down two-and-a-half of these bad boys, which were hand-crafted and brought aboard by a friend of mine. I didn't even bother to slice them into halves or quarters, which (apparently) is customary.

I give this snack five out of five snack stars. I don't care if its prodigious amounts of cholesterol and saturated fat shortened my life by eight years. Totally worth it.

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F-ing D-lish Bars

I sunk my teeth into this little morsel of goodness before I even had breakfast this morning. And they completely lived up to their name: The D-Lish Bar.

Graham cracker, milk chocolate, carmel and what I can only guess was crack. I ate 12 before noon. Shout out to my co-worker, Jeanette, for making today f-ing delicious.

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Last Night's Pizza: Best Served Cold & On My Desk

So we've all been there, right?  It's a Wednesday morning, you've ignored your alarm once, twice -- maybe three times -- and by the time you wrestle your sweaty-ass, snotty-eyed self to semi-consciousness, you realize there's no possible way you're getting to work on time.

Cue? The snack that saves the day: Last night's leftover pizza.

It's handy. It's delicious. Its grease has already congealed for your convenience. And you don't even need a plate. BAM. In my mouth.

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Dear Dahi Papdi Chaat: I Love You

Dahi Papdi Chaat: This might be my all-time favorite snack.

I mean, whoever thought of making small fried puffs of fried lentil flour, shoving a finger into the puff to create a crevice, filling that crevice with savory garbanzo beans, and then covering the entire thing with yogurt and tamarind sauce? Whoever it is, they are my new best friend. I could eat this all day long... and I have. And I will again.

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Giant Beer, Bag of Beef Jerky

To counterbalance some of our more pretentious tastes, sometimes you just gotta eat an entire bag of beef jerky and drink a giant beer (on the train home from work).

To be honest, I've had better beef jerky. But this snack really hit the spot. Plus, who could possibly resist the jerky's attendent benefits, like:

Top round steak? Gluten free? Rich and savory flavor? Made in the U.S.A.?! See, beef jerky is good for you. And America.

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Why Eat Cheddar When You Can Eat 'Xtra Cheddar'?

My new diet: eat only things that are available in "Xtra Cheddar." These things tasted amazing around 4:30 this afternoon.

Warning: the Flavor Blasted variety of Goldfish is not for the faint of heart; they pack some seriously salty flavor. Luckily, I'm a big and strong and burly -- so I can handle the intensity (never mind the fact that I'm a grown man blogging about snack food).

Also, it bears noting that Goldfish are made by Pepperidge Farms, one of the classiest snack-food brands out there. I'm surprised this snack isn't served more often as an hors d'oeuvre at weddings and state dinners. I'd eat like ten fistfuls.

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