HearTBeat

This is a blog i made for my heart to speak out the unspoken words i never had the time to say.

[iamzhab]

No regrets Year End 2018- Dec 31, 2018 (Jan 28,2019)

As the year end It is always a new beginning As you look back Its all worth reminiscing

A year of ups and downs has ended Now entering the new year, full of excitement Grateful heart as you left the past Full of hope as you enter the future

You messed up with lots things, its okay! You got screwed many times, that’s fine! You fall but you surely stand a hundred times All of it now are memories that brings smile

Some people stayed at your side, Some had to left you aside But still, thank them with all your heart They’ve been part of you no matter what

Who you are now, you owe to God, You owe to the people around you and to all they’ve done You regret nothing, you realized.. Thanks to all of of them, pls do thank them!

You become better and stronger And you will become the best version of you. Leave all the pains, and hurts behind Learn from it, be merry.

Moving on to the new life, new chapter Embracing all the change and whatever Stepping out of faith for the better Walking with God is all that matter.

You had no regrets at all You had given your all This is how it is after all You can always smile and live through it all.

-zhab22

[iamzhab]

Umuulan man ngayon, darating at darating din ang pagsikat ng araw. Bukas, hindi man ganun kaliwanag ang sikat, susulyap at susulyap dn ang pagsikat. Darating at darating ang araw na ang liwanag ay magiging maaliwalas. Hihinto ang ulan at ang araw ay sisikat.

zhab22 (April 6,2019)

[iamzhab]

Hobby (2019)

When it becomes your hobby to resist your feelings, You resist! and do what you think is right. When it becomes your hobby to neglect your feelings, You neglect it and dont think twice!

But , hey think and analyze, if it is going to bring you crap! Coz, when you started it, and it will become you.. It might seem more like a hobby in the beginning.. But it will be reflected to you!

Resisting and neglecting your feeling wasn’t really you! You’re starting to think that you’re numb and insensitive, but you’re definitely not, You just started to get used to it, yet it will be over soon, For yourself, for the better version of you. It might be a step to move forward, Eventually, you will get better and better each day Just listen to Him who called you.

-zhab22

[iamzhab]

Your Worth - Dec 30,2018

During the darkest hours Wet eyes, tears are falling Pillows on the side Searching for warmth inside

You are alone, You are broken You are crying You cant find who you are.

You cant see your worth, You cant see your future Dreams are gone You are hopeless

You dont know where to start You dont know who to lean on You cant say a word You dont know how.... sigh

The night are getting deeper The dark times and lonely days are getting longer You want to run and escape But there’s no way out, you are left behind

From the deepest love expression To the deepest pain To the deepest frustration To the strongest seclusion

You cant find yourself Blanket cover, hiding yourself Pillow hugging, securing yourself Then, He embraces you

You feel the warmth of His embrace You feel comforted, and secure And you cry more... till it ease the pain You cry more till you feel better

You cry and cry to Him, til it hurts no more You cry and cry to Him, til you see clearer He finds you, and yes, finally you find Him Days, ... weeks, ... and months pass by

You shine now even brighter You moved on You see life luminosity You are better than beaut

He filled you with love You are now full of hope You see your worth You see your value

Life continues... Dreams becomes more reality You are almost there my dear.. Thank God, He never left you.

You are worth far more than rubies You are love and valued Your tears break His heart Your loneliness tear Him apart

He waited for you, He waited till you feel He is with you That he is always with you His presence, always there for you

Now, you know He’s on your side You are indomitable You are stronger You are hopeful and no doubt

Always remembering the dark nights You are forever grateful He rescued you, Because you are always love.

-zhab22

[iamzhab]

When I left you to find myself, I looked back just to see you once again, But then, I immediately saw you with someone else. It breaks me, but i chose to move on and forgive you, coz I love you. I love you still.

zhab22 (16 April 2019)

[iamzhab]

I Miss You - May 13,2019

I miss every day we were before I miss the way we joke and laugh I miss the day we fight and reconcile I miss everything we were back then

But we can never have it again We can never cherished those memories And remember them together It is sad to realize what happened

I wished what happened didn't happened But sad truth, we are not together now And I have to admit and accept that So I can live and love again.

-zhab22

[iamzhab]

Promise to myself - Dec 1, 2019

I promise to respect myself I promise to become the best version of myself I promise not to let anyone hurt and break my heart I promise not to let anyone hold on me like they own me I promise not to give away my heart not until I am whole and it is God’s will I promise to protect myself to any temptation I promise to love myself I promise not to entertain any guy not until God says so I promise not to break these promises!

-zhab22

[iamzhab]

Marriage - dec 10,2018

For all the pains and heartaches You are worth it. For all the tears of sadness Your are worth it.

For all the sufferings Still, I will wait For all the sacrifices I will still be faithful

For all these experiences, You are worth the pain You are worth the tears So I will not fear

I will be waiting I will be patience I will be your bride For you, I will

You are worth it You are worth fighting for You are worth waiting for We are meant to be

I promise myself From now and forever Till death do us part Till we see each other

I wont let anyone to own my heart again No! not until God shows me it’s you I will work with God and obey I will make sure, when I see you, we will know

You and I and God in the center We will complement each of our existence God will be glorified and pleased Cause we found each other.

-zhab22

[iamzhab]

To My First Love (May 3,2019)

You know I loved you, You know you are my first And I dream a life with you You know you are my only one

You know I was hurt First, its your fault But I know I fall short Yet I always hoped

You know, I promised to myself That I won’t love anyone else You know its been you It is always been you

You know I never loved anyone for over 4 years You know my heart still beats for you over those years And as much as I can, I tried to hold on to your words Your words, that you will wait for me

I tried my best not to fall to anyone I tried to keep you deep within me I tried so hard, but you let me go! You let me go and lure me to someone else.

I tried to still keep you no matter what I tried so hard that it started to break me I am sorry, I tried but you gave me up I am sorry, I tried but I fall for him

I started to love him, yet I resists I choose to keep you within, over and over again But he penetrates my whole being I am sorry, I gave up on you

Now, I fall for him, and I really do love him I choose him and wanted him to be the last I love him that my heart only beats for him I fall for him and I’ve given all my heart

My whole heart that you’ve broken  Now, it started to glow and beat again My heart that I thought would never love anyone again Now, searching and loving him alone

I wanted him to be the last person I would ever loved I wanted him to be the person I would ever marry I wanted him to be with me for the rest of my life I wanted only him that I gave my heart, my whole being, my world

I tried my best to keep him too I gave everything just not to regret anything like when I was with you I gave my best, I did all sorts of things Until I lost myself and be the worst I could ever be

I offer everything, I became nothing I gave all my love and I forget myself I gave my body, now I am rotten I never expect the same thing will ever happen

I never expect it will last, last for just 5 years I am now alone,coping up I regret nothing, coz I give my best shot I hope this is the last and I wont become numb I pray that someday, I would never be this dumb.

- zhab22

[iamzhab]

08.16.19

Since I was upset earlier, he tried to make it up to me.

I actually plan to sleep at 7pm straightly until morning. Then, suddenly when I am about to fall asleep he came over at ny bed with donuts. But I am hard to get and so many things happen such as I tried to continue sleeping and then he touched my belly. I was shocked and bumped in his head severely. I feel nautious and he acted like his eyes was hit hardly. Though I knew he is just acting, he tried so hard to convince me and he is successful.

Afterwards, I am convince to have dinner outside, then watch movie over their house and go home after.

I am flattered now, and feel overwhelmed that we travel back together to my house even though he will go home alone, also knowingly that he will wake up early tomorrow to go to work. I am happy I didnt feel that it is a burden to him, instead he wanted to make it up to me and so he did it. Having said that, it sounds like he will not do it if he will not make it up to me. But then, I am happy after all. 😊

[iamzhab]

Worth 8.16.19

Sometimes, I am asking myself.

“Do I really deserve what I am getting from the person I gave my all?”

Sometimes, I want something. I think I deserve to be treated like a princess or a queen. I think I deserve also to receive surprizes, some sweet gestures, but then, I always end up not getting those and just be someone’s audience.

I want to celebrate monthsaries, anniversaries with some spices, some sweetness, surpizes or whatever not just staying in the house, staring each other. Some planned celebration pls. A little bit of consideration of my comfort and happiness.

I guess for 6 years, it gets boring as it gets.

I dont know.

Sometimes, I just hate myself for compromising too much of what it should be.

I know my worth. Yes! I always say that, but they dont see it.

I know what I deserve. Yes! I know that, but they dont give it.

I always feel that I am all by myself, even I have him. Do I really need him? Why it’s like this. I hate it.

I want more. I deserve more.

Or maybe, I just think highly of myself but I deserve nothing. 😢☹️

[iamzhab]

Painful Ending

You know what the painful ending was you had almost moved on, then he will come back and would want to settle everything. Only then you will know that all the years you’ve been together, it was only you. That all the love, faithfulness, efforts and all to keep the relationship and him with you was its all you. You are alone ever since. You hope that he will be back, but you never expected the pain of knowing the truth nun mgkasama pa kyo you were been cheated on. For 5 years! And all you did was pour out and give everything to him and then its all that he did to you.

[iamzhab]

How I wish heart is like facebook, there is unloved button. 💔

[iamzhab]

Whenever you whisper I love you, it breaks my heart as I hear you saying the same to her. 😭💔 03.09.2019

[iamzhab]

What Happened and What Lies ahead?? 9.27.18

For Almost 3 months now, I am encountering the sleepless nights and thoughtless why in the morning.

Just 2 weeks ago all my Medical Results are negative in diagnosing the reasons.

Til, I found out by asking questiosn to myself, that it is really my subconciosness was trying to tell me something.

And now, I been having a quite good sleep, but inconsistently, after finding out what was it.

A month ago, little by little I am becoming aware.

Instinctively, I open JA's bag and found out that he's been lying to me for almost 3months (again, before it was longer but I haven't seen it).

And from then, all thought flow in my head and I started to speak up with my friend which helps me to have peace and sleep for days.

From then, I step backward... first step to detach myself and protect to more painful lies ahead.

That was the 1st step.

Til all reasons and subciousness overflows...

For five years, I feel used and taken advantage.

I haven't notice I've been so involve in JA's family's finances and all.

I carry all the burdens and problems..

He is on my shoulder and he is weighing me down with his family.

And so much reflections... all in all in my head..

I feel so much fear... I lost the need and want to get married..

But I can say that my love for him remains... but TRUST?? nothing.. I cant believed him anymore...as in not anymore!!!

I realized that for a very long time I carry him with his family.. (I feel good about it) but now I feels like they suck all my blood, my time and my energy.. all my efforts and I am still bad in their eyes like I have done nothing for their good.

But all I ask him to do is for his own sake and for his family.

I guess he never realized that nor appreciates it..

I think from that day, I already step back more than 5 steps away.

We rarely talk since last week...

The last argument he asked me was "Masaya ka pa ba?", I said "Hindi", and he said "Baket ka pa ngstay?", "should I let go?", I asked..

He didnt answer straight, so now he is doing nothing...nor talks.. nothing...

I will assume that the answer is "YES", I should let go..

I will, oneday, it will be all done and all the pain will go..

I will soak myself deep to this pain and suffering..

I will let it mold me..

I will learn and move on.

My life doesnt end here.

My big God has more better plans that I could ever imagine.

All my plans and deeds, fails and I am now a failure.

Yet, Indeed.. My God is graciously loving..

I can stand up and continue because of Him.

He is faithful and he will directs my path.

All of this will last and soon, His God's will will show up in front of my eyes.

And my God will say, "he is the reason why it never worked out before. He is the one I am praying for, and will draw me close to God. He is the one that will fulfill my dream of having a Christian Family that will lead people from generation to generation to salvation that our God gives us freely.

I will wait for you God's will.

I will continue and not be tired of praying and waiting.

Forgive me for not preserving myself and giving in to temptaion.

I will strive harder to find you in God's heart, I prayed that you too will find me soon in His heart.

I will do my very best to be the best edition of myself, I pray that you too wll do the same.

I pray that you will have strength and be full of love and grace when we meet to accept my past.

I pray that whoever, and wherever you are, you are safe and sound.

I pray that you will be the guy that God's has planned you to be.

I pray to meet you in the right time and to know exactly its you when I see you looked into my eyes and smile.

I pray that when that time comes, God will speak to both us and will say, " It is the man, you are longing and praying for."

See you soon my dear love in Christ, my groom and my better half.. my lifetime partner, my dream, my bestfriend, my prayer partner and all.

May we identify each other soon, and give glory to our living God til our very last breath.

In Jesus name, my Lord, I surrender and pray. Amen

[iamzhab]

Untitled 9.27.18

Feeling doomed....

Blank space...

Mind is so complicated...

No words could come out....

I dont know what to write..

I cant explain my thoughts, nor my feelings.

I cant say a word.

All I know is I have sufferings

That causing me heartaches.

I am in pain...

Pain that starting to mold my mind..

Pain that causing me speecheless,

Troubled... and words left unspoken.

I hardly pray, yet a I utter few...

I dont even know what to say to You.

I wanted to cry, but I cant.

I wanted to shout and leave it all.

Pained, troubled, stressed, unfocus..

Sleepless nights, heartaches, difficulty breathing...

Pimples.. losing weight..

Altogether I faced..

All I want is to live

To live a holy life

Pleasing and God be glorified

But I fail, full of failure.

Yet my God is truly loved.

He loved me, He never gaves up.

My shortcomings, he looks not.

His grace is enough.

I want to trust him with all these,

I prayed and hoped my heart will be filled,

His Spirit and loved be embraced,

And find myself in his deep presence.

[iamzhab]

What lies ahead me??