Post Graduation Sentiments
Hindi ako agad nakagawa ng entry about graduation, kinda needed some time to breathe, mostly to exhale.
I am glad to say that I graduated with an academic excellence award, âcause of that, I have one good reason to look back at my Senior High School years.
Originally, plano ko talagang gumawa ng entry about this on the night of my graduation but I was too upset to do so. Iâm warning you (if there ever will be someone to read this), this is too personal and dramatic so if you donât want that, youâre good to go.
What, youâre still reading? Fine, so hereâs what happened:
As expected, since miles of seas and oceans and whatever forbid, Papa wasnât able to attend. Mama on the other hand is in jail so yea, my hopes of having even one of my parents there was destroyed.
Good news is, sinamahan pa rin naman ako ng lolo at lola ko. âLeast âdi nasayang yung dalawang tickets sa PICC na alotted for parents. We donât own a car so we had no choice but to commute but Xandieâa fellow graduate has a mom who is generous enough to offer us to hitchhike going to the place. Yes, itâs embarrassing but what choice do we have? Kapos na rin yung perang pamasahe kaya tinanggap na namin.
The moment came. Nakapila na ang lahat ng graduates at papasok na sa pinaka venue (I think itâs called Plenary Hall), I was whispering my gratitude to the Lord; somewhere along the lines of âLord look, we are here. This is real. I am graduating, all because of Youâ and whatnot.
Sobrang nakakauhaw dahil mainit doon sa pinilahan namin, and I havenât eaten lunch yet kasi wala kaming mabilihan ng pagkain sa loob. We arenât allowed to leave the line to buy some drinks either. I saw some parents, a lot of parents actually carrying bags of bottled water and canned soda desperately looking for their sons and daughters. I imagined my mom with the mother carrying a bottle of water on one hand and a phone on the other, I think her child is on the other line giving her directions so they could see each other. I thought to myself, gutom at uhaw lang âto, Iâve come this far, just one day Ian, one day and itâs all over.
Around 3:30, nakapasok na lahat ng graduating students and the program is on. I didnât know where lolo and lola were seated. I kept looking around but the place was too big and there were lots of parents. Sigurado naman ako na nandoon lang sila somewhere so I decided to stop looking for them.
So the guest speaker delivered his speech for like 13 minutes (my seatmate timed it), the principal announced that there are over 1,300 graduates, and then, the receiving of diploma finally started.
Pang 373 ako sa mga tatawagin so natulog muna ako saglit. Nung line na namin ang tatayo, nagising na ako. I fixed my hair a little and walked my way to the stage to receive my medal and certificate thinking on the back of my mind: Well, arenât you someone to be proud of, Ian? To which my other self answered: No, not really.
âCouple more names later, around 5:30, nag vibrate yung dala kong phone (hiniram ko yung kay Aryan, sa kapatid ko since I donât have one), tumatawag si Lolo. Naisip ko agad, baka pwede na nila akong ibili manlang ng tubig manlang.
What I heard from the other line left me in tears. It made me take off the medal hanging on my neck. âUuwi na kami, hinintay lang namin tawagin ka.â
âPakibili muna ako ng tubig.â (None of us use âpoâ when talking to our grandparents)
âHindi niyo ako iiwan ng pamasahe?â
âAkala ko may pera ka. Makisabay ka nalang ulit pauwi.â
I said okay before putting down the phone. Bad trip, HAHAHA! Naiiyak ako pero hindi pwede kasi ang daming tao sa paligid, may mga katabi ako at hindi pa tapos ang program, there are still less than a thousand of students to be called on stage. I just pretended to be sleeping again while letting my tears freely flow down from my eyes. Drama ko âno? HAHAHA! In my mind, I was telling myself: Donât worry, para sa akin mahalaga ka. (Or something like that) Inisip ko nalang din baka hindi pa din sila naglunch kaya nauna na sila. Ang sama ko naman kung hindi ko sila hahayaan umalis e wala namang kwenta âtong program na âto.
Maya-maya may nagchat. It was Papa. Nagtatanong siya kung anong balita. I replied âNasa PICC pa po ako, hindi pa tapos yung program.â Nakakatawa lang kasi ang reply niya, âGraduation mo na pala, sino kasama mo diyan?â Letâs not dwell on âsino yung kasama mo diyanâ anymore because that broke my heart already pero yung âgraduation mo na palaâ wow lang talaga. HAHAHA! Sabi ko nga sa akin lang mahalaga âto e. Hahaha, ang sarap lang magmura ulit. Sa sobrang tagal kong inalis âyon sa sarili ko, I never expected na sa graduation day ko pa pala ulit magagawa âyon.
100 more agonizing minutes later (I had been checking the time), the program was over. I didnât know where to go. Paglabas ko ng hall, busy ang lahat ng magkakatropa sa picture taking. Everyone is exchanging hugs and congratulations with their friends and parents. Left and right, each corner, everywhere. I couldnât stand it any longer, naghanap ako ng CR para makapag tanggal ng togaâfine, para umiyak ulit. Di ko na kasi talaga mapigilan, I had to do it or else hindi ko alam kung anong mangyayari sa akin. After another session of cubicle counselling with myself, naghilamos muna ako bago lumabas. I was tempted to throw away my medal since itâs a type of medal na hindi ko kayang basagin kagaya nung ibang medals na nareceive ko this year but I didnât kasi baka hanapin nila pag uwi ko. Marami pa ring tao sa labas at hindi ko pa rin alam kung paano ako uuwi.
I was whispering again: Lord, I could really use a friend right about now, please send someone. Kahit isa lang po.
Nakatayo lang ako sa gitna ng maraming tao, looking for a familiar face when somebody caught my attention. It was Xandieâs brother pointing me. Sinasabi niya siguro kay Xandie at sa mama nila na nakita niya ako. Nakita nilang lumingon ako so I had no choice but to come closer, I just hoped that they wonât notice that I had just been crying a few moments ago. Tinanong nila kung nasaan yung lolo at lola ko pero ayoko namang mag-isip pa sila ng masama o maawa sila sa akin so I lied: Nauna na po sila, siguro po inatake na naman ng sakit ng ulo yung lolo ko kaya kinailangan na po nilang umuwi. Tinatanong ko na po si JJ (a friend) kung paano ang biyahe pauwi.
Tulad ng inaasahan, inaya na nila akong sumabay sa kotse dahil mahihirapan na daw ako bumyahe. Hindi na ako nag inarte. Dumaan pa kami sa MOA, may pinuntahan si Xandie at ang kuya niya, nagising nalang ako sa kotse na wala na silang dalawa. After that, tumigil din kami sa Imus, it was 10pm kaya malamang kahit nag lunch silang pamilya ay gutom na rin sila.
Nag flashback sa akin 2 years ago, moving up ceremony. That day, after the program, sinama din nila akong kumain sa labas to celebrate Xandie being a grade 10 completer.
Ayoko na sanang maulit âyon this year because itâs Xandieâs graduation and celebrations such as that is a family thing but again, may choice pa ba ako e nakisabay na rin ako sa sasakyan?
Around 11pm nakauwi na kami, kapit-bahay lang namin sila Xandie kaya hindi na ako nahirapan umuwi. When I got home, the light in the house was still on. Gising pa si Aryan at nagising din yung lola ko dahil sa kahol ng aso. Itâs a good thing na sumabay na akong kumain sa Imus dahil wala rin pala akong dadatnan na pagkain sa bahay. Fantastic, right? I was too tired to be sad again so I decided to just ignore it.
I checked my facebook account and there was a message request from Tagaytay City Jail. It was Mama, wala daw bumibisita sa kanya kaya nakikiusap siya sa akin na kausapin ko âyung kapatid niya (my tita) at si kuya para bisitahin siya kinabukasan. Of course, just like Papa, no congratulations or Iâm proud of you either because she has no way of knowing that it was the day of my graduation. But that moment wasnât about me, it was about her. Habang ako nasasaktan kasi walang may pakialam sa walang kwentang graduation na âyan, ang nanay ko nahihirapan sa kulungan at wala manlang bumibisita. GREAT! Just great, right?
I didnât get to pray anymore that time. Natulog nalang ako. Kinabukasan I was refreshed dahil 2pm na ako nagising. Inaya ko si Aryan na magsimba. I borrowed her phone again to upload some of the pictures I have there, when it was my turn para maligo, she logged out my account so most of the pictures and videos failed to be uploaded. Oo nga, madali lang naman iupload ulit âyon, pero pag inulit ko pa weâre gonna be late for church and I remembered my **cking graduation day again. I thought to myself, sino bang gustong makakita ng pictures at videos na âto anyway? Wala naman e. Drama na naman ni koya mo. HAHAHA!
Nagbuild up na naman yung lungkot at galit sa akin at sinabihan ko ng âtangaâ si Aryan. Hindi lang isang beses. Nagkasagutan pa kasi kami nung sinabi niya na, âPorke may award ka⊠porke matalino ka sasabihan mo na ako ng tanga.â To which I replied âKailan ko sinabing matalino ako? Kailan ko pinagmalaki âyang walang kwentang award na âyan? Sa totoo lang, wala namang kwenta yung âkinanselâ mong pictures and videos, maigi pa burahin mo na rin âyan lahat.â And I called her stupid again. I shouldnât have done that. I shouldnât have said all that because she was too young to understand. Itâs not her fault Iâm such a cry baby hiding behind a mask portraying a person who can hold it all together.
I felt sorry kaya nilapitan ko siya ulit, may dala akong panyo, inaaya ko na siyang umalis but she kept on crying and telling me, âAyoko na, mag church ka mag-isa mo!â
I wasnât pissed at her. I was pissed at myself. Hindi na ako nag-isip, I left the hanky there and made my way out of the house, iyak iyak na naman ako, hays. I went to church but I wasnât able to sing, dance, clap or at least close my eyes for the prayer. Ibang tao âyon. That was a different Ian.
Pag-uwi ko, there was a message again from Papa telling me to fix my attitude. Turns out, tumawag si Aryan sa kanya ng umiiyak. Tinanong ako ni Papa kung anong nangyari at umamin naman ako na sinabihan ko si Aryan ng tanga.
And now, while I am making this entry, tumawag si Papa telling me, âHindi kita pinapagalitan, pinagsasabihan lang kita. Alam mo ba âyung fruit of the Holy Spirit?â and I said yes. âYon pala e, hindi maganda âyang mainitin ang ulo.â
Itâs just funny because the ministry where I belong is having this Fruit of the Holy Spirit Series and I was assigned to share/speak about PATIENCE. Talk about hypocrite.
Why am I sharing all these anyway? Shouldnât I be sharing some inspirational one liners and whatnot?
Is this story worth recording? I think so.
Today, I am making a promise to myself. 13 years are enough. I am about to enter college and I will be exerting all the effort I can to reach the top but this time around, I wonât do it to receive anyoneâs applause or approval. Pagod na akong maghintay ng appreciation sa parents ko. Pagod na akong maghintay na makita sila sa recognition day/s ko. I will do my best in college, for myself. That way, I only have myself to please (or to disappoint).
I am scheduled to get the results of my college entrance exams today and thatâs what Iâm gonna do.
As for the Lord, I donât know if Iâm still worthy of His grace and mercy. On second thought, I neâer really was.
PS. Attached to this post is a photo a fellow graduating student and a woman. I think itâs his mom. Hindi ko sila kilala. Wala, pinicturan ko lang. Ang saya lang siguro ng ganoân. May taong proud saâyo. HAHAHA! Get over it, Ian.
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