You canât cover a hole in your heart with plaster
The hug that had me enthralled for nearly a whole season
Felt like an empty vessel
From clueless of my affection
To desperate for my attention
She started the conversation
As we took the T to meet the friends
Iâd met the first time I was in Pittsburgh
Until the three of us became entangled in a triangle
That left us lost like Bermuda
We sat at the empty platform of North Side Station
âDonât bring it up, donât bring it upâ
Yet that was the only thing I could come up with in my head
I looked away with every word I said
Her hazel eyes were too much to handle with how hurt I was
And knowing how much more sheâs hurting herself
 After a T ride with the same feeling
We walked out from the Wood Street station
As she spewed venom about her ex
It felt as though my mind and heart were elsewhere
She paid for my bus ticket
I countered with an offer of Starbucks when we got off the bus
She said sheâd wait outside âcause she just lit a cig
âOhâŠ.you were being politeâŠ.â
 It became clearer with each step
That she wasnât lying when she said
She was horrible with âNice Guysâ
 Eventually we met up with the group of friends
âWhatâs good dude?!?â
We exchanged a dap and a hug
Followed by everybody else
The one who I asked where to smoke a blunt
When I showed up mysteriously almost a year ago
âWhere it all began manâ we said in unison
The ex asked me how Iâd been
That I might get the highest GPA Iâve had
When I was getting the most fucked up I ever had
He could see I wasnât as happy as the first meeting
 I had a feeling he knew why
 After walking through Oakland to the corner store to grab brews
We squeezed into his Suzuki
And we drove to Flagstaff
The ex and I caught up on lost time
He talked about his experience working out of town in Florida
Heâd just been back six weeks
As our conversation got deeper
The elephant in the room became bigger
Every move to gain attention on her part was met with silence
To the point where she just sat on the ledge across Phillips Conservatory
I finished the lone beer I bought
He lit a cig across the way
Another friend could feel the silence
âCold and distantâ was how he put it
And they decided to go under the bridge
I saw our mutual friend get between her and the ex
âI wanna fight him, I wanna fight himâ
Followed by her saying hey to me after yelling my name repeatedly
I said âHeyâ real quick
and got to the front of the pack to space myself
 The elephantâs size continued to grow under the bridge
The guy who she claimed had âlittle going on in his headâ
Was engaged with an unreal conversation with me
She sat to the right of us
And after more attempts of attention were shot down
Reaching the form of a climax
In which I reminded her that her name
She played âSic Transit GloriaâŠGlory Fadesâ
 They sang the final verse in unison
While I sat silent in between them
Forced her to give me one of her beers
And drank it in front of her face
 By the time we ran out of beer
So we went to Uncle Jimmyâs in Oakland
I went there last trip so I wasnât uncomfortable
But I could definitely tell that she was
Especially after our friend introduced me to the bartender
Who was a friend that had heard about the first time I was there
âSo it was true you met a chill kid from Upstate NYâŠâ he said
We shook hands as she opened up a fresh pack of cigs
And slammed down a 20 she got from the ATM
âMake me a concoctionâŠDoubleâ she said sternly
 The elephant was becoming enormous at this point
 I grabbed a Bass from said bartender and watched her ex and friends go at it at pool
She sat alone at the bar still
Running through her cigs with her woes
As she sipped a large glass of a tequila cocktail
I walked over and sat next to her in silence
Her ex sat two stools away
And drank a Yeungling with the bartender
I made sure to look her dead in the eyes
She looked like she wanted to slit my throat
âYour comments are making me upsetâ she said
âYour writing and choices makes me upsetâ I responded
âI view that as an utter failure, so donât even deconstruct my writing for meâ she said
âOkâŠcan I tell you what my friends back home think of you, even when you the only thing inside my head?â I asked
She finished a gulp of tequila and took a drag
âWhat? That Iâm a horrible person?â She answered
I took the last drink my Bass had left
And looked her dead in the eyes
 âThey think youâre a toxic bitchâ
 âI know Iâm a toxic bitch!â she bit back
We began to go toe to toe
âHave you tried to put in work on your writing? Youâre capable of more than you thinkâŠâ
âNo one has accepted any of my submissions, theyâre too raw and not acceptableâŠâ
She jotted down a memo in her phone
Muttered âIâm not dealing with thisâ
The ex and the bartender looked like they had just seen a bomb drop
The former took a shot and went back to the pool table
He motioned me to come over
A friend of his who was with us that night that I just met that night and him were looking at a picture on his phone
âThis is one of my exesâŠguess the age?â
I looked and guessed early 30âs
âOk...my best friend back home keeps saying I should be focusing on older womenâ
I took a hard stare at her back at the bar
The drink and the pack of cigs were almost gone
âOhâŠyeah Iâm sorry about all that happenedâ he said
âNo Iâm sorryâŠI ruined your relationshipâ I responded
âIâm surprised you havenât knocked me out cold yetâ
He let out a laugh so hard everybody looked up at us
Her figure remained motionless
âWhy would I do that?!?!â he said matter-of-factly
âDudeâŠwanna talk about this man?â I asked cautiously
âI need to hear your side, for my sakeâ
 We sat at the two last corner stools
A good five stools away from her
 âI had no idea you two were even talkingâŠwhen I found out I felt horribleâ He started off
âI respected so much that you were upfront and honest about it when we became boyfriend-girlfriendâŠI just didnât know what to sayâ
âNeither did Iâ I responded
âI knew you were a great dude, just what she needed too. So when she broke up with you and started talking to me again a week after going official with you, I felt an unreal amount of guilt.â
âI know, I could read it as soon as I saw you tonightâ He said
âYou were so much happier the first time aroundâŠwhat happened man?â He asked with genuine concern
I looked at her as she talked to the bartender and our mutual friend at the bar
She knew we were talking about her
Ash filled her ashtray as she gulped the last of her cocktail
His eyes watered a little and he looked down momentarily
âDudeâŠIâm so sorryâ He said
âI think itâs safe to say that neither of us came out a winner in this situationâ I said
âI couldnât agree anymoreâ he responded
 It felt as though we were both blind
He bummed me a cig from his Marlboro
And we traded phrases about her character and choices
That ranged from self-destructive to hypocritical
âHow could you call yourself a writer when your dream job is Buzzfeed?â He said
âWhat a sellout of integrity when sheâs capable of so much moreâ
âI know right?!?! My respect level for her went from the rafters to the basement floorâ
âWe both had the same issues with her, the same concerns and the sad part is we might have been better off being callousâŠâ
âWhat do you mean?â I asked
âDudeâŠthere are more layers to this than you knowâ
The bartender, our mutual friend and her were all looking dead at us
But we couldnât hear the words
âShe had sex with both of them before we even tried to go after herâŠ.â
My jaw dropped to the floor
Our mutual friend had to hold her back from going over there and trying to fight us
We just stared and shook our heads in disappointment
âNeither of us needed to go through this againâŠâ he said
âI know⊠must be the all-boys high school curseâ I responded
We had a laugh and gave each other dap
âIâm glad I could see you and we could see how we were both kept in the darkâ he said as he accepted my friend request on FB
We hadnât been friends on there since the breakup
âI know, Iâm glad tooâŠbecause this whole situation made me not even want to come back hereâ
He shook his head with a sort of empathy that we both felt
âWe were both hurt dude, and we both realized that we could never be with her. It would tear us apart in our own way. Weâve had to put up a wall because of this. Itâs sad, but itâs lifeâ
By now, she was drunk and flirting with the exâs friend Iâd met that night at the pool table. Our mutual friend came over and asked if we wanted to smoke a bowl at his place. It was almost as if he sensed weâd talked about the situation. The ex had work at Panera at 6, and my momâs graduation was at 8. So we left and drove over to the apartment and smoked on the front steps. Neither of us made eye contact. Neither of us said bye to her.
During that session, our friend described the events that led to her banging the bartender and him. It made me realize and agree with what the ex had said. We couldnât be a part of her life in that way. We couldnât be that callous. It wasnât in our nature. What made it even more ironic was that both had moved on to stable relationships with other women, while I wasted some of my best writing, some of my most beautiful works, and my attention and time on a dime a dozen. Â
The following day, she sent half-hearted congratulations to my mom and a sarcastic âThanks for saying bye last nightâ. Last nightâs prior events brought the New Yorker out of me, so I said the graduation was fine and thanked her for being a sarcastic Debbie downer.  âYou put me there⊠you werenât honest with meâŠhow was I to know you got so close that visitâŠmy ex is a liarâ I texted her that she had put us there for nearly over a year, and asked her how the medicine tasted. âNice knowing you, youâre not making it past this, Iâm doneâŠhappy you all are friendsâ she texted. My paragraph back was as blunt as a dutch filled with loud. âIâm done too, I got all the closure I needed last night. Hopefully over time, you will take a look in the mirror and realize we have all been through shit and no one is alone. Only you can find yourself, a cig or guy or a job or drink canât do that. Iâve learned this now. I didnât before I met you. Rip my poetry I sent you to shreds, itâs obvious it was lost on you but maybe in the future you will see this in a different light and be stronger for it. Laterâ
I celebrated my Momâs graduation and spent the remaining after noon at Point State Park looking at the 3 rivers. Later that evening, I saw she unfriended me and I received this text:
âYou win. Iâm dead. Rip. Toxic Bitch. Youâre Welcomeâ
I finished her half-assed attempt at a goodbye, blocked her from everything else, and deleted her from my life
Iâd be lying if I said I believe I can write with that emotion, better yet, feel that emotion for a girl again. This experience has left me indifferent and emotionless, at a time when I should be celebrating all the steps and strides Iâve taken in the past year. Despite this. Despite her. She can play the victim all she wants and pass the blame like a potluck dinner. Either way, both her ex and I knew we needed to wipe the slate clean, no matter how much it hurts, because we canât afford to be the one hurting someone else due to this. Itâs only 1 in 1,000,000 situation. 9 times out of 10, there wouldâve have been beef. But both of us had been hurt like this in the past. It was our connection, what allowed us to be above it and talk the situation out. Thatâs the difference between infatuation and friendship: One is imaginary, the other is reality.
Itâs times like these that I appreciate my family and the group of friends and coworkers that I share this patch of valley within Upstate New York called the Capital Region. This experience didnât make me hate Pittsburgh, but it makes me want to take its good parts: the acceptance, the diversity, the community, and bring them with me. If that was brought to the Capital Region, it would be the breath of fresh air weâve been looking for. It would make the developments happening in Troy actually plausible. It would eliminate Arbor Hill being the red-headed step-child of Albany and its Police Department. It would truly bring the country and city together.
But maybe Iâm thinking too far ahead, just like when I met that girl for the first time last August. So for now, Iâm just staying on my grind, and with the amount of pieces that have been fitting recently, I know this complex piece called love will fall into place.
Because it will be the driving force behind my life
And everything that I do with itâŠ
snowghoul
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