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[icansleepawake]

Alright so I’m gonna describe the ingredients to make Fuck-up Soda! Please do not really make it tho you might die instantly

Pot (not drug the container)

The strongest alcohol you can find

A entire bottle of NyQuil

At least 5 bottles of five hour energy

Every single pill you can find in your house

Soda maker (thing that makes drinks angry)

So basically boil every liquid listed in the pot, then dump every single pill in ur house in. After this you will freeze it, roll it in dirt, melt it, and jam it in the soda maker. Congrats, you now have a container of fuck-up soda that may kill you instantly, and please. For the love of god. Don’t make this.

[icansleepawake]

If I was saw, I would just be like “if you look at your arm, you will see a BOMB! Now you must cut your arm off or d-“

*pulls out a toolbox and phone and begins to record*

“Hi, this is the lock picking lawyer and today we-“

[icansleepawake]

Alright so I just called a knife a “meat key” because it opens the meat and proceeded to then dip garlic bread in a1 and enjoy it and depression and pure happiness are two conflicting emotions so I’m not sure what to feel.

[icansleepawake]

Being an unstable amount of weird is like “coming to you from the part of your brain forging signatures on the weird shit we want you to do so it goes through, the best things you can do… all ranging from ‘I’ll throw glitter at you weird’ all the way to ‘I’m gonna get a job at McDonald’s so when I take your credit card I swipe it down my asscheeks and go beep if I don’t like you’”

[icansleepawake]

Dogs are just like:

Me: pats bed “we do not go here. It is a forbidden land, where only the great ones go, an-“

Me: pats bed a second time

“you said SNUGGLE TIME?”

[icansleepawake]

Oh my god guys gender is a resource we’re running out of, non-binary people are just brave souls who donated their gender.

[icansleepawake]

To think that your basically looking through cameras and piloting a flesh and bone robot using blue wires. It’s even weirder that the thing you are piloting and seeing through a camera is a lump of wacky ground beef.

[icansleepawake]

I feel like there should be a chihuahua theory. Almost everything short is something that would kick your ass without hesitation and tall things are just like “ooh I’m sorry I didn’t mean to lightly cause a breeze to touch you from my leg moving too fast, ooh I’ve dunnit now”

[icansleepawake]

If you go back in time and kill your self, you will still be alive because you would never had lived to kill you