Nells’ Tirade

"Have you been Journaling?" -My Therapist, 2020

[icarus-tirade]

12.03.24

everytime I get high (recently, like the last 4 times) I've started to keep wanting a girlfriend omfg like ok we get it! You're Mr. No bitches plz stfu.

If i dont die on this plane Imma gonna make it my mission to kiss a girl SOON

hopefully in NOLA while kinda tipsy and just like FUCK IT you not finna see her again, you live in MD

or make an online dating account and find someone in MD down for some casual kissing/making out or whatever ugh someone just for mutual non-serious fun

I need a low-maintenance girlfriend SO BAD like,,

ugh babe work has been so hard this week can I come over and cuddle and watch movies??

can we skip the awkward talking phase? I just wanna be the little spoon and watch Ratatouille

at random times we can hit each other to just go to the movies or make out or run errands together, or yk like exist in each other's presence. we don't even have to talk ugh

my day was hard can I just touch your boobs type shi

I would/will be the BEST low-maintenance girlfriend EVERRRR I SWEARRRRR

If I make it back to MD safe and sound Im gonna put in more effort to find a low-maintenance girlfriend

[icarus-tirade]

01.01.24

I genuinely can’t believe I made it another year. 2023 was so TERRIBLE maybe the worst year of my life which says a lot bc I lived through being a 13 year old girl and middle school depression. But I’m so emotional because despite how bad this year was, I did not k1ll mys3lf. Like,,, I genuinely deserve a reward cause this year was hell

[icarus-tirade]

12.12.23

N1gga (faith) making a problem out of nothing n1gga shut up you sound stupid

I’m not responsible for how you receive something if you received it wrong and CHOOSE to receive it wrong after I’ve explained what I literally meant cause at that point you’re choosing to get offended over shit I ain't do/say. ggs n1gga

[icarus-tirade]

11.28.2023

bought a vibrator when I was high

just used it for the first

first time ever using a vibrator for that matter

came 3 times back to fucking back

it was unreal :0

[icarus-tirade]

10/11/23

relapsed Oct 10, 2023 cause I needed to get my shit together

the pain helps calm me down and even makes me happy In a way for a reason I don’t understand

[icarus-tirade]

05.31.2023

A n1gga genuinely be getting mad over nothing and now I feel fuckin stupid b/c literally why are you upset over a joke bro? you’re so fuckin stupid like bro you’re ruining everything gosh you’re such a fuck up and people are only going to leave you if you can’t get your stupid fucking emotions in check

[icarus-tirade]

03.10.23

Faith and I got re-married, for the 3rd time lol, at hotpot during my birthday dinner :D

[icarus-tirade]

02.03.23

So Faith just got prescribed anti-depressants. I wonder how that’s gonna go and if there will be like a huge difference...

lowkey I kinda feel some type of way cause after the first time of her talking to her psychiatrist, they instantly said what’s up and prescribed her some shit and I’m still sitting here with barely any progress made :’/ 

time to listen to happy music to feel better...

[icarus-tirade]

01.21.23

I love getting horny while high. Everything be on level 10 of sensitivity. Only downside is that I don’t have a fat c0$k in me at those exact moments.

[icarus-tirade]

01.17.23

I’m not one of those niggas to get horny cause I’m high but if I happen to get horny while I’m high I will cum way harder than usual and I mean like legs shaky and weak when standing cumming Lawd have mercy

[icarus-tirade]

01.04.23

Faith really said 

“The bible is boring like there’s no hook...In the beginning. Like there’s no hook!”

[icarus-tirade]

12.06.22

getting to that point where nothing is interesting to me anymore and I get tired from the simplest tasks and I’m not hungry nor do I have the energy to eat

[icarus-tirade]

11.07.22

this day light savings is about to beat my ass. I feel so heavy when it gets dark. And it gets dark at like 5pm. My body feels like it’s time to drop and my mind starts to stutter and shut down emotionally. I hate this and I somehow forgot the extent of how truly bad seasonal depression is like I know it was bad last year but I ain’t realize just how bad it is. I hate it here. And it also doesn’t help that I’ve been wanting to kms for like nearly a month now idk how long it’s been. I’m just so tired of everything.

[icarus-tirade]

10.23.22

I kinda wanna kill myself cause the thought of living stresses me out

it makes me wanna curl into a ball and hide from the world

everything is overwhelming, overstimulating

I feel like I’m barely getting by and I’m tired of it

I’d rather just give up

[icarus-tirade]

10.21.22

I’ve gotten high consistently for the past 3 weekends so far

it’s a streak now

[icarus-tirade]

10.11.22

Realizing that deep down I just want someone to take care of me, be there for me, know me the ugly and good and still want to be there for me, for someone to be the other side of my coin in every aspect of life 

is such a soul shocking thing to realize 

it kinda hurts cause I feel like that’s asking for the impossible or something that’ll take years to get and I’m not a patient person at all.

[icarus-tirade]

09.27.22

It feels almost criminal to feel this good after sh…

like I’m damn near thriving today

I made a fire poem yesterday about sh and ppl liked it, said it sounded like love basically (they ain’t know it was about sh)

I skipped classes

I brushed my teeth

I washed my face

I danced to music

I feel fantastic