Chasing Change

a chronicle in reverse order

[icarusfox]

The grief rotting in parts of my spirit riddles me with a rage that could only find closure in choking the life out of you so I could stop wondering what ifs

[icarusfox]

I caressed the flat of my hand down your chest, feeling the subtle musculature beneath skin thick with marred memories

Pushing your jaw up and back to flex the tendons, the esophagus, the veins of your neck betraying the vitality hidden behind old bones

There are shivers, hissing between teeth, breath escaping pained exasperation, as I start to split the skin down from clavicle to navel. I peel you back and I feel your muscles, I taste the copper in the air, I feel you slick and vulnerable, you look to me rose faced and panting.

This is, as it could be nothing else, pure intimacy.

You crack my ribcage like you would crack open a crabs claw; quickly, deliberately, at just the right point so as not to damage the meat. We find ultimate declarations of love in the willingness to consume, or to be consumed, and to kill.

I leaned in to kiss the vitality still showing itself on your neck. A wonder, how strong the human heart is. Adrenaline does many wonders. This is a place where reality does not exist. Where we can have this, where the world does not reign.

Blood drips off our mouth. Its sweet

I take what can be taken without causing death, even though death will not take us here. My kidneys, my liver, which I may need to enjoy the wine we always serve; the intestines. The heart, its vitality, although admittedly a versatile and provocative center piece for any dinner date, must stay. I take too much pleasure in licking the salt from a warm, pulsing skin. The lungs too, must stay. Simply because you are human, and you enjoy the calming act of laying on my chest as I breathe.

Theres poetry in watching you take me apart, my hands inside my own self, my hands that are your hands

[icarusfox]

1000 Ways To Kill Myself

Sinking and drowning down below the crushing weight of the water, full dull baseline thumping thumping thumping

Sharp cut with blades edge along arteries in the legs, or the wrist, or the neck, faster paced tango tango tango

Immolation, lighting a fire and going up in a fevered frenzy of freeform jazz, jumping jumping jumping

Disembowment, a dramatic emotional gut spilling traditionalism waltzing waltzing waltzing

Free falling to drawn out indie music blowing my brains out to punk rock poisoning myself to psych trance asphyxiating to 80s power ballads electrocuting myself to folk starving to blues eaten alive to gospel crashing unbuckled to alt rock

1000 ways I could kill myself

1000 ways I could kill myself

1000 ways I could kill myself

1000 ways 1000 ways 1000 ways

1000 ways 1000 ways 1000 ways

1000 ways 1000 ways 1000 ways

How should I kill myself this time this time this time.

[icarusfox]

Grief won't stop knocking at my door

I crave and I yearn and I crave and I yearn and I crave and then I yearn again

The endless fucking cycle of yearning for someone who will never reappear to give you closure and then craving for any level of the mad devotion once extant

Thecravingandyearningandcravingandyearningand cravingandyearning and craving and y e a r n i n g

It's so loud it drives me to insanity, the relentless torment of the past is prevented from fading

I can see your ghost everywhere I go. You are the one thing I cannot kill. And yet

The mutated love that tightens like barbed wire drives me to a tearful rage so desperate it might just try.

[icarusfox]

Window Seats

The day the decision to leave was finalized was the same day that the window seat turned from a static looking glass out a blurred world, to a fully realized speeding bullet flying past a familiar set of apartment buildings and a flipped sense of object permanence

My window seat went from an unmoving sanctuary to the passings by of a visitor

Officially, my home town isnt home anymore

Officially the apartments are watching my blur go by

[icarusfox]

Flavors of Fall

cranberry wine crawling down to stain the tips of summer

Peach pit, apricot jelly, chili mango, perfectly caramelized creme brulee

Pink lemonade with a lime wedge

To tiramisu garnished with a cinnamon stick and dark chocolate shavings

Smatterings of

blackberry sauce

and orange zest

[icarusfox]

Tales of summer in the leaves

I had a moment with a tree this morning

glanced up from a distraction and was struck by golden leaves glistening after the rain

Stopped in my tracks I just watched the leaves, for a moment it felt warm and sunny 'n I swear I could feel that thread of ours again

Touched the trunk and felt the mornings we woke up under the sunshine, felt the river muck under our feet and water lapping at our hands

felt our peace

[icarusfox]

Fog sense

Walking through the valley of fog, sightsence rendered useless you depend on memory and ground felt through footfalls

Crisp air tingles through your lungs, staying just below the horizon line you and the atmosphere bend the boundaries of the universe to become an unknowably beautiful experience

[icarusfox]

Seafoaming

Greatest wish to take part in witnessing the ocean from beneath the weight of it all

Form blurred, lungs filled heaving with extra work to move what's not supposed to be there, abyssal comfort pairs nicely with complete peace

[icarusfox]

Roughrider

Choose the part of you that keeps clawing through the dirt, that keeps climbing back on the bull after being gored in the leg chose the part of you that everyone would scream at to "stop getting back up!!!!" in movies

Choose the part of you that follows that current of resilience, choose the road through the mountains that leaves you heaving for breath and blistered. Choose the part of you that will leave you weathered and wise, that baseline instinct to keep walking.

Always keep walking

[icarusfox]

Sunchild

Call it personal evolution

Sunspots on my arms and an affinity for 100 degree warmth, a longing for the longer days and a begrudging acceptance of falls impending cold winter. Early riser for the sake of sunrise, bright eyes bold in the clarity of clear days, high noon halo and seraphs wing crown in waters reflection

Night owl freed from himself to take the hand of Apollo, no longer desiring to remain unseen in the shadows of dark

[icarusfox]

The Sight

Pattern chaser, you learned and observed and categorized turned yourself into a prophet. Born a thousand times and died a thousand times each over, you've made an oracle out of your own bones. Soothsaying with remnants of faces found in the eyes of others and divining through the scars yet to be left on your hands. Pulled on the strings of fate to unravel the mystery of time, you've become the architect of your own future.

I'm sure you'll see it to it that it's a good one

[icarusfox]

Still Force

Natural inclination to stay, to be still, to be unchanging

The still force is the warm bed, the comfort, the stability

The still force is fear, the insecurities, the familiar

The still force stagnates

The still force is the call of death

[icarusfox]

Tree Hugger

If you're like me you get the occasional impulse to reach out and touch a tree

The bark, a branch, a string of leaves a flower bud or berries or thorns pinecones or sap

If you're still like me you always follow that impulse, dirt child a city slicker by coincidence still in tune with the tune of the trees

A moment stopped in time the second my hand lands on old growth, moment spent in the passage of time the trees have known for millennia

It's a gift from the mother to know that stillness and peace

Which do you always reach for?

[icarusfox]

A love letter to the form of my soul

I see you and I know you, the face that isn't static, always looking you in the eye when you can't possibly be, he's at your side and you can see his profile in the corner of your eye and yet here he is staring you in the face with white eyes

The curve of our rams horns only just discernable in your unimaginable halo

Broad shoulders in your looming beast of a frame, high caste angelic cacophony of mismatched wings shifting around you in unpredictable beauty

single arm consumed with condensed cosmic matter, pitch black form streaked with afterimages of stars

I see you and I know you and I found you amongst the white eyes that hunted me, you stand before me tall and immutable and how I long to become you

Beast of beauty we are, I cherish the times I feel your energy manifest in my hands.

[icarusfox]

Labyrinth Runner

Walk up sheer face skyscraper, hop from underside of cloud to underside of cloud,

Into the reflection of the arches under curved bridges and play leapfrog on highway support beams

Shake a mirrors hand into the forest the forest is a sphere there is no sky there's blue above you it's the river

Riverwalker fish swallows you whole you're under the bridge it's a saucer section you're in space you're back in the woods

Abyss room out of body experience look yourself in the face staring contest go to speak, jerk "awake"

Oceans existence wave crashed against the ground impact back in the forest different forest forest of magic mother running running running running

lost childhood control, lost in the dream

Forgot how to wake

[icarusfox]

Wasted energy

Sheltered soul spine the consistency of rubber, shit for brains thick as a brick blinders on fucking maximum.

Self spun silk shackles trapped you in your own mental gymnastics on what makes you "cool", fucking loser.

Tore out your own spine blamed it on your surroundings, taking a hot bath in your own inertia craving a past you never really had.

Grow some guts and get your goddamn hands dirty like the rest of us, sheltered soul.