When I was 18 my friend Brandon very patiently sat me down in and explained to me that I needed to stop calling myself bi if I was dating men. He said “I know you wanna feel what it’s like to be called a dyke and have people hate you because you think that means something but you’ve gotta stop lying to yourself. You have a boyfriend, you’re not bi, and you’re leading on the girls at work who have a crush on you.”
And I listened. He set me up with his straight friend. He went through my wardrobe and got rid of clothes that were too butch for a straight girl. He relaxed and dyed my hair, he taught me to do makeup. He made me pretty. He helped me learn how to act like a girl because I wasn’t very good at it.
He was my friend. I wanted him to like me. I didn’t want him to think I was trying to appropriate his oppression.
I still feel uncomfortable when I think about participating in pride. Half an hour of being accused of lying to people and using up community resources fourteen years ago makes me go “but I’m female-passing most of the time and I’m in a relationship that looks heterosexual from the outside, I should just leave it to the people who need it” every time I think about going to a parade or wearing rainbows.
I bind and I pack and (sometimes) I (quietly) think about HRT and thinking about being a guy is (sometimes) like a lifeline, like waking up to relief, but I worry the trans flag isn’t for me, that’s for people who are serious, that’s for people who need it; I wouldn’t want to give people the wrong idea, I don’t need it, I don’t deserve it, I’m just leading people on.
I don’t wanna take up space. Somebody else needs it, I’m fine.
Anyway Brandon was a tremendous load of bullshit, exclusionists can fuck off forever, and they’ve been using the same tactics forever. (Also this is why I am completely supportive of a-spec inclusion; are you fucking kidding me it’s the exact same rhetoric being leveled against people who are discriminated against for their sexual orientation how would these folks NOT belong in the community?)
As someone who was gatekept long before tumblr was a thing I’d like you all to know that you’re good enough, you’re welcome, it’s for you too.
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