If We’re Alright
This was purely self indulgent. I’ve been feeling anxious for the past several days and just needed to write out what I’ve been feeling and what I wish I had when I deal with anxiety and just not feeling good enough. I hope to anyone else that feels like this maybe this small story can help
TW: Mentions of anxiety, panic attacks, just kind of word vomit and not proof read, if I miss anything let me know
It’s like you’re constantly treading water, just barely able to keep your head above the surface. You’ve gone through the ups and downs with your mental health. For as long as you can remember you’ve dealt with anxious thoughts, never really considering you had full blown anxiety. Whenever you tried to talk about it in the past it was always brushed off. ‘You’re just overthinking, being too emotional. Just take deep breaths, it’ll all be ok.’
That’s what you always heard so that’s what you went with. Sure, as you got older you started to accept you did have anxiety but you thought you had it under control. Thankfully you’ve only ever had one full blown panic attack. It was when you felt stuck, you only had a part time job with no real idea what you wanted to do with your life. You were scared, feeling alone, and feared there were no other options. Your heart felt like it was going to beat out of your chest, your breathing accelerated but it felt like you couldn’t catch your breath. Your hands were shaking as you collapsed onto your bedroom floor. No one was home, you went through it alone but when it passed you told yourself it wasn’t going to happen again. It was a bold statement but you were going to take charge of your life one step at a time.
That was before you started a new job, a job you actually loved and enjoyed. Going to work was no longer a hassle. You actually looked forward to getting up in the morning and going to the office. It was also before you met Harry. You had met at a mutual friend’s party, you don’t even remember how the conversation started but once it did it was like it never stopped. Harry talked about growing up in the UK while you talked about the new puppy you just adopted. “I’m being a mom right now aren’t I?” You laughed, after showing him yet another picture of the dog on your phone.
“A little bit but I don’t mind.”
After that you and Harry continued to talk almost every day. Whether it was by text or FaceTime chat late into the night the conversation just kept flowing. Harry was a great listener while also being an amazing story teller. You told him several times you could fall asleep to his deep, raspy voice. “Is that your way of saying I’m boring?” He asked.
You giggled, shaking your head. “No, it just means...you put me at ease.”
Even though you and Harry were open with each other you had never talked to him about your anxiety. Before in every relationship you had been in, which granted it wasn’t much, it felt like your partners were discouraged whenever you talked about your mental health. After a while you had just given up on talking about it altogether. You didn’t want to be a problem, you didn’t want to upset them. If you kept it to yourself it was your issue and you didn’t want to put that on anyone else.
Six months after you and Harry first started talking you were on the right path to begin a relationship, or so you hoped. There was some flirting on both ends, even when you were apart you found ways to be a part of each other’s lives. You still remembered the first time Harry called you beautiful. You were a bridesmaid at your cousin’s wedding, the only single bridesmaid as well but you tried not to dwell on that too harshly. As you stood in front of the mirror taking in your appearance you felt pretty, thankfully your cousin chose a flattering dress on every bridesmaids’ body type in a neutral color. After hours of hair and makeup you had time to take a few photos on your phone and send one to Harry. ‘The final product.’ You text him.
As you were gathering your flowers and getting ready to walk out of the room the group got ready in your phone lit up with a reply. ‘You look beautiful, love.’ Followed by. ‘I wish I could be there with you.’
That was your first real indication this thing with Harry could actually go somewhere. He had even listened to the first few drafts of your maid of honor speech when you knew he was tired from working on his new movie set. “Are you sure you don’t want to go to bed?” You had asked him numerous times.
“I’m good, I promise.” He told you. “Now start at the part where you make fun of her husband’s karaoke performance.”
Even though you were rarely in the same state, let alone time zone, you found yourself falling slowly head over heels for this man. It was hard not to. And then when you two were both cooking meals on FaceTime, him in his house in London while you were alone in your apartment across the ocean, you jokingly asked. “Is this our first date?”
You heard Harry chuckle on his end. “Trust me love, our first date will be much better than this.”
You had to stop yourself from gawking at him. So you were reading this right. There was a future for you both. After that notion you had a little more pep in your step when it came to talking to Harry. It got even better when you found out he was going to be in your town shooting some scenes for his upcoming Marvel project. “You’re sworn to secrecy though. I don’t want to piss off the heads of Disney.” Harry teased.
“My lips are sealed.” You promised, you weren’t about to let anything spoil this short time together.
Of course, you should have prepared yourself for this. You got too happy. You had always been afraid of allowing yourself to get too happy. Whenever you did, or whenever it was like things were going in the right direction the rug was pulled out from underneath you. It started with Harry’s schedule and yours not working out. You were at work when Harry was and his days were consistently longer than yours. When he finally left set it was early in the morning while you were either still asleep or just getting up to start your work day. In all you had maybe spent two hours with him, a quick meal before he had to leave for set. You hadn’t even been able to go see him on your lunch break. With COVID protocols still in place, and with Marvel keeping the project hush hush, no outside visitors were allowed on the premises. You hadn’t even been able to sneak a peek at Harry’s costume. “You can’t even take a picture?” Yes, you were whining but you were dying to see Harry in full Starfox action.
“They confiscate my phone every day.” Harry laughed at your eagerness. “But I promise I will try to sneak one picture.”
Your schedule definitely wasn’t helping things either. When you got the job at your office it was during a slow period but now almost a year in business was picking up. You were either on the phone, or finishing to-dos, or putting files together and before you knew it the work day was over. Every day when you left you felt like you were missing something, like you weren’t able to accomplish anything. Then when you got back to work in the morning it was like everything had multiplied overnight. Even working overtime wasn’t enough, it just kept piling up. You knew you were starting to feel overwhelmed but kept telling yourself it was going to be ok, you had coworkers to help, Harry was supportive, it would be all right.
While you were playing catch up at work you felt yourself slip with Harry. You weren’t texting him as much, you both were at fault. It was like you were never free at the same time. You hated it though because he was only going to be in town for a short period of time. If you weren’t able to spend more than two hours with him then you were sure that would be it. Even though you tried to ignore them you had heard rumors of Harry getting bored easily. How long was his last relationship? You didn’t even know and you were too afraid to ask in fear of ruining a potentially good one.
Harry had one week left before shooting would wrap and he would be off again. You were determined to make the most of it. You had finally worked up enough courage to ask him over to your apartment. “I’ll cook dinner and then take you around, show you some of my favorite spots.” You promised him.
When you saw his dimpled smile on the small screen of your phone it warmed your insides. “Sounds great, darling.”
The new nickname sent your body into a tailspin. This man had so much control of you and he had no clue. You both had settled on a day, you even told him where you keep a spare key to your front door so he could let himself in if you were running late. Thank God you thought ahead because the day of your scheduled outing your job decided to go haywire. Walking into work that morning you knew you had files to finish up on. No big deal but all of a sudden it was like everything needed to be done at that right minute. “Where’s that Robert's file?” One of your coworkers asked.
As you were going to find the file in question you were pulled away to something else. “Were those documents scanned in?”
You promised to go find them along with every other task you had to do. While you were searching you were told of an email, apparently one of your duties was being handed off to someone else. “What? Why?” You asked out loud.
No one really answered you right away which only made you think of the worst possibilities. Of course they thought you couldn’t handle it. You weren’t picking up the slack so now they needed to give the job to someone else. Then it was like a giant snowball. It felt like everything you did was wrong. “You put those in the wrong filing cabinet, you didn’t save it correctly in the computer, that’s the wrong information you’ll have to call the client again.’
Over and over again you were told something was wrong and it was your job to fix it while also trying to finish everything else. Now you weren’t even keeping your head above water, you were sinking below the surface without any way of pulling yourself back up. Before you knew it the clock struck six thirty, an hour and a half after you told Harry you would be home. “Shit!” You exclaimed, grabbing your purse and your keys and running out of the office.
When you got home you saw Harry had used the hidden key you had told him about and found him sitting on your couch with your dog laying next to him. “Hey, sorry, you told me to let myself in.”
“Right, yeah, that’s fine.” You said, trying to catch your breath.
“You all right?”
You didn’t want to unload all of your problems on him. Shaking your head you said. “Yeah, great, I see you made yourself at home.” You were trying to joke with him, hoping that if you were able to laugh it would stop your mind from reeling.
Harry smiled. “I like your place, it feels rather welcoming.”
“Good, I’m glad.” Even though talking to Harry usually put you at ease you were unable to relax now. You could feel your hands shaking no matter how many times you clenched and unclenched your fists.
“So, I hate to be a nag but what’s for dinner? I was afraid to step out and miss you when you got home.”
At the mention of dinner you cringed. “Shit,” You muttered. “Shit, I’m so sorry. I meant to go grocery shopping when I got off but then work ran late...and I’m afraid all that I have in my fridge is a bag of shredded cheese and yoghurt.”
Harry sighed and you felt your heart break a little, great another person you disappointed today. “It’s all right.”
“No, no, it’s not. I promised you dinner and now I let you down.”
Rising to his feet he stopped you. “Love, no, you didn’t. I understand you had to work. Don’t worry, we can do something else. We can order in if you want.”
That did little to ease your nervous stomach. “Ok.”
“Why don’t you go and shower and then we’ll figure something out.”
The little voice in your head was snickering at you at this point. Mocking and pointing at you as you nodded and walked off in the direction of your bathroom. You could hear it ‘He wants away from you, he’s probably going to leave once he hears the water running.’ As you got undressed you could feel the tears coming. You turned the water on as hot as it could possibly go before stepping inside the tub. As the water cascaded down your body you could feel your muscles relax and with it came the sobs. For as long as you could remember whenever you were feeling down the one place you allowed yourself to let go was inside the shower. The sounds of the water drowned out the sounds of you crying. No matter who was around you were able to release your emotions without anyone else hearing. Normally it helped, you were able to cry everything out without worrying anyone else. Now as you scrubbed your body while crying large, hot tears, you just felt worse.
Every detail of the day rushed through your mind and suddenly it felt like your world was crashing down. You were disappointing everyone, the simplest task you couldn’t accomplish. You could still hear your coworkers snippy remarks when they thought you were out of earshot. They didn’t think you could handle the job, that’s why some of your duties were being handed off. Then there was Harry, the man you disappointed the most of all. You promised him one thing, a home cooked meal, and you couldn’t do the basic thing by going to the grocery store and actually preparing for it. No wonder he hadn’t asked you out on a proper date, he didn’t think you were worth it.
Then it happened, just like before. Your breathing started to come in pants, your chest ached, and your stomach rolled like you were going to be sick. Balancing yourself on the slick shower wall you tried to calm yourself. You had tried to focus on something, anything, in your tub to take your mind off the impending panic but nothing could distract you. It took all of your control to slowly sink down into the tub, wrapping your arms around your knees as you continued to sob.
You didn’t even hear the knocks on the door or Harry calling out to you. You weren’t even aware you forgot to lock the door until you heard Harry’s voice throughout the bathroom. “Love?” He asked.
You clinched your eyes closed. “Go away, please.” You hated how weak your voice sounded.
“You’ve been in here forty-five minutes, you ok?” He questioned, restraining himself from opening the shower curtain.
Breathing in and out you tried to shake off the panic attack. “I-I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not,” Harry said. “I could hear you crying, please just…”
Looking up you saw his hand come into the shower to feel the water. “Jesus, love, it’s freezing.”
You hadn’t even realized the hot water had long since run out. Without peaking into the shower Harry reached in to turn the water off. “All right, I have a towel and I promise I won’t look. I just need to get you out of there, ok?”
Now you were making him pity you and baby you. This night had just gone from bad to worse. “Ok.” You whispered.
Slowly the curtain opened and true to his word Harry was looking up at the ceiling with the towel open. On shaky legs you stood up, grabbing the towel and wrapping it around your body. “You can look.” You told him quietly once you were covered.
Part of you wished Harry continued looking up. When you saw those green eyes all you saw was fear and concern. He opened his mouth to speak but closed it again. Instead he held out his hands to help you out of the tub. You still felt lightheaded, quietly sitting down at the edge of the tub you waited for him to speak. The only sound in the bathroom was the occasional drip of the water. Before he could say anything you whispered. “I’m sorry.”
“Hey, no, don’t.” He started but you cut him off.
“No, I’m sorry, I’m sorry you heard all of that. I normally don’t…” You choked. “I don’t like for anyone to hear me like that.”
“Like what? Emotional?”
Slowly you nodded your head. “I don’t like for people to see me cry.”
Without looking up you felt him sit down beside you. “Don’t worry about that. Let it all out, ok? If that’s what you need to feel better then do it.”
A few warm tears traveled down your cheek. “Go ahead, tell me, I promise I won’t judge.”
You knew he was being honest and that was what prompted you to finally talk. “I just feel like...I feel like I keep letting everyone down.”
Once you started talking it was like you couldn’t stop. At one point you felt his hand cover yours but it wasn’t to shut you up, it was more of a small comfort. It was his way of telling you to continue and he was there for you. He listened, like he always did, and he provided you the comfort you had been wanting for so long.
At one point you were just feeling exhausted and your tailbone was slightly numb from sitting on the edge of the tub. Harry must have been feeling the same as he stood up. “Come on, let’s get you into some warm clothes.”
Harry took it upon himself to find a hoodie from your closet and a pair of sweatpants you had freshly washed in your laundry basket. He gave you a minute to get changed and told you to rejoin him in your living room. You were feeling slightly better as you got dressed, brushing any tangles out of your hair, but the nagging feeling of anxiety still sat in your gut. This must have been some sight for him, to have a crying, hyperventilating girl in her apartment when all he wanted was dinner and a tour of the town. When you joined him in the living room you noticed he found some takeout menus you had stored in your kitchen. “What are you feeling like?” He asked, holding out an assortment of food options.
“Harry, you don’t have to do this.” You muttered. “You don’t have to stick around because you feel sorry for me.”
You saw his brown eyebrows furrow. “Love, come here.” He commanded gently, holding out his hand and pulling you down onto the couch. “Don’t for one second believe that I’m here out of pity. I’m here because I want to be here. I want to be here for you. Just like you’re there for me even when we’re not in the same time zone.”
Now you were going to cry for a new set of reasons. Shuffling closer to him you wrapped your arms around his neck in a tight hug. When you felt his long arms engulf you close to his body you breathed a sigh of relief. Even his smell was comforting to you. You could feel his lips press against your forehead. “I promise, I’m here no matter what happens.”
Nodding against him you sat like that for a few more minutes before pulling away. Before losing your nerve you pressed a quick kiss to his lips. It was so sudden he wasn’t even sure you had really kissed him before you were turning your attention to the menus in front of you. “I’m kind of thinking Chinese, what about you?”
“Whatever you want.” He smiled.
An hour later you were sitting in your kitchen, not bothering to take the food out of the takeout containers you sat on your counter sharing bites of food. You hadn’t even realized how hungry you were until you were basically eyeballing the last eggroll. When you reached out for it Harry stopped you. “That one is mine.”
“Aww, come on.” You whined.
The side of his mouth perked up. “All right, you can have it on one condition.” Tilting your head you waited for him to continue. “I think that kiss you gave me earlier was far too quick for my liking.”
“You’re using an eggroll to get another kiss?” You giggled.
“It’s a dirty game but someone has to play it.” He shot back.
“Fine, fine.” You agreed.
Hopping off the counter Harry stepped closer to you. Without hesitation you opened your thighs to allow him to slip in between your legs. You weren’t sure who closed the gap but before you knew it his lips were on yours. It started out innocently enough but soon enough you were pulling him closer, holding onto his shoulders while his large hands rested on your thighs. Tilting your head you opened your mouth to allow his tongue to brush against yours. A soft sigh escaped your mouth feeling him everywhere. Pulling away you pressed another kiss to his before whispering. “Is it ok if we don’t…?” You whispered.
Harry pressed his forehead to yours. “I already told you, I’m here regardless. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”
Nodding you pulled him back in for a tight hug. This was the comfort you were searching for. His hands ran up and down your back, while he rested his head against your shoulder. “Thank you.” You told him honestly.
He gently kissed your neck instead of answering. You don’t know how long you stayed like that in your kitchen. At some point you migrated over to your couch where more kisses were exchanged until you both drifted off to sleep. The real world still lingered outside but finally it felt nice to have someone in your corner. He could always tell when you needed a little help and for that you were grateful. For once you didn’t have to face it alone.
