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Edinburgh Show prep

I've read three books in 2 days. It's amazing what you can do when you're avoiding social media, your family and writing a show.

Russell Brands "revolution".

Russell Brands has said you avoid paying your taxes and not go to work to rebel against the current system. Instead what you should do is sit at home and die slowly because you have no money to feed yourself. Then when you can't afford rent and a government body kicks you out of your home he will appear and "amplify your voice". I can't wait to be rich, famous and privileged enough to properly take part in his revolution. Then maybe I'll write a book about it. So the poor people of England have something to read. Russell Brand is like a TED talk (with none of the substance). You feel all empowered and motivated while you're watching it and then it finishes and you're like "I'm going to change the world" then YouTube suggests a cat video and you don't actually do anything.

The best bit about social media

The cool thing about social media is getting to compare the best moments in the lives of all the people you've ever met to all your lowest parts - in real time!

The worst thing about having a cat

One of the best and worst things about having a cat is they bring a box of shit into your flat.

Don't get me wrong, cat shit is 100 times better and easier to clean up than dog shit. You can pan through the kitty litter and pick out the poop but no matter how you dress it up there's still a box of shit in your house.

A modern love story

Well kids, it all started when I went to go to the toilet at work. I got my phone out and loaded up tinder and there she was. No, not your mother. We got to her 87 swipes later.

Sleep problems

I find it weird that I've been on the planet 27 years. That's like 10,000 nights and yet I can't just use the same sleeping position every night. I have to find a fresh new one. And while I'm doing that I'm either over thinking all the stupid stuff I've ever said or calculating how much time I'd be asleep if I fell asleep right now.

Russell Brands Revolution

Russell Brands has said you avoid paying your taxes and not go to work to rebel against the current system.

Instead what you should do is sit at home and die slowly because you have no money to feed yourself. Then when you can't afford rent and a government body kicks you out of your home he will appear and "amplify your voice".

I can't wait to be rich, famous and privileged enough to properly take part in his revolution. Then maybe I'll write a book about it. So the poor people of England have something to read.

Russell Brand is like a TED talk (with none of the substance).

You feel all empowered and motivated while you're watching it and then it finishes and you're like "I'm going to change the world" then YouTube suggests a cat video and you don't actually do anything.

#russell brand #Revolution #book

Russell Brand

hates big business. Read all about it in his book. Published by Random House. The world's largest publisher.

Queuing at a train station

Just shouted "GET OFF YOUR FUCKING PHONE WHILE BUYING TICKETS" at the person in front of me at the train station if you were wondering how I'm coping with the queues at Victoria station.

Pens

The only time I use a pen is when I'm writing words on the back of my hand.

Can't wait to be well known enough that my negative comments are taken as "constructive criticism" and not "envy".

Punchline less observation

It's a cunning trick people in marketing play. They make an advert and hope to evoke an emotion in you through a 30-90 second clip. Then when you're feeling down or empty you want to go and buy one of those items as it's a quicker and easier way of feeling better than dealing with the issue. Then at the end of the month you have no money left, you still feel alone and you're left with the thing which only got you temporary happiness in the form of a distraction.

You just keep getting more and more things until you realise the problem was internal and have to deal with it.

I'll add a punchline later.

Cats vs kids

Friends of mine are having kids. And they get so self righteous about it like they planned it or something.

I like to wind them up. I say things like "I've got a cat, I know what it's like to be a parent" and sit back with a box of popcorn to watch their minds explode with anger and stock phrases like "you can compare a child to a cat".

I think it's harder having a cat than a child because at least with a child they grow up and evolve and do things for themselves. With a cat it stays roughly the same level of intelligence its whole life.

If anything you've taken the easy option. There's nothing stopping anyone having a child but there's a bunch of legal and paperwork involved in adapting a cat.

parallel universes

If there's an infinite number of parallel universes where all potential situations are played out, why am I always in the one where I'm unable to find a punchline for this joke?

Marriage appreciation

Nothing will make you appreciate your down-to-Earth not-wanting-to-get-married relationship like hearing a guy in the office complaining his wife has narrowed down the location of their wedding to either Hampton Court or Kensington Palace.

New boots fail

Just had a pair of boots delivered to my work address. Without thinking I answered the door without any shoes on. The delivery guy must have thought I was either mental or really desperate for these boots.

Google Maps Fail

Totally didn't just get off the right bus because I thought it was going the wrong way and only realise the little blue dot on Google maps was facing the wrong way because I was looking backwards after it drove away.

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