anemone ;

one of the things they teach you is how to send out positive signals when you enter a room.

[idchoa]

rewind ;

[idchoa]

( jaekyu‌ )

“hey, it’s fine. really. nobody got hurt, right?” it comes out knee jerk and immediate, the way that it often is with jaekyu. where he plays down the effect things may have had on him. but really? he is sort of cheered by the news. it’s nice to rip that reasoning down. to clear the air, even if they don’t end up falling back into how things were before. “really, i get it. sometimes things happen and you’re like ‘oh man, wow, that was a big fucking mistake’ so it’s chill. i do it all the time too. my manager want to gut me like a fish, grill me for dinner.” he throws words between them like he’s trying to construct a bridge. forge a connection between them again.

“don’t worry. i have, in fact, pointed out that it would be considered cannibalism.”

she’s not exactly sure if the smile jaekyu holds up in light of her words bothers her or if it makes her feel better. maybe it’s because it seemed that the corners of her own lips were greatly weighed down by her feelings, there was no way the girl could muster up a bright smile. there was too much tangled emotions for that. one that might have had much less reasoning than she had thought considering how unfazed the man seemed to an onlooker.

jaekyu said it was fine, cut some of choa’s worries short. that’s what she wanted, right? to clear the air between them, explain the sudden loss of contact. one could even say she somewhat succeeded. after a three word conversation ending with a swat of the hand as if to indicate ‘no big deal’, it was enough to stray from the topic. forget it. go back to the whether. but what happened between them kept pushing heavily on her chest which lead her to continue talking about the strom she brought upon them. 

taking everything into account, she might have been the sole one that’s not fine. that’s completely alright and fair, everyone processed actions and the emotions that come with them differently. but she’s too selfish to leave it alone and not pry into what happened. tired of the looming thoughts, she wants to smile at him lightly just like he was. like she used to.

“more like things you never actually expected happen and you don’t know what to make of it, so you end up ignoring the person,” a correction of his statement that did not deviate that much from what jaekyu had said. a mistake was a harsh word that didn’t entirely umbrella choa’s outlook on the situation. everything happens for a reason. maybe it was time for her to learn how to deal with emotions head first. “i didn’t know how to deal with it or what to make of it. it confused me so i wanted to get my thoughts in order before talking to you,” she cracks a sideways smile, as if to say that she never got to the point. it was obvious from the way the lady held herself that she held no intention of her stopping him the way she had that day. “we both know how that ended for me... it’s stupid since you’re the only one that could have helped me but when that came to me it felt awkward to just go up to you and start talking...” her thoughts are messy and it reflects in her movement, fingers grazing over different parts of her before falling to her sides. she doesn’t know which staw to grasp ot to what thought she should hold on to. “which is kind of what i’m doing right now... i’m pretty stupid, aren’t i? either way, whatever it was that happened between us, i shouldn’t have acted as if you suddenly didn’t exist anymore. that was unfair and uncalled for,” it’s almost as if she said it all in one breath, her chest rising and falling sharply when all words are out.

 “i’m glad that you’re alright with it, though..” she doesn’t sound it, though. because it was hard to process it when her mind kept going over it whenever jaekyu was in sight. “teach me how to stop overthinking, hm?” it’s a light offering, the traces of a smile morphing onto a grin.

[idjinhwan-deactivated20180929]

biased ;

[idchoa]

( jinhwan‌ )

“I’ll just have a bottle of soju.” That seemed like the only thing that would be able to get him through the night. “The strongest kind you’ve got, don’t go holding out on me,” he added as an afterthought, flashing the bartender a smile to show that his comment was all in good jest. His eyes scanned the room, before settling on the person who had just arrived at the bar. “Needed a drink to last the rest of the night too?” He asked conversationally as the bartender sat the bottle of soju down in front of him. He picked it up and took a sip, not even wincing at the burning sensation it left at the back of his throat and in the pit of his stomach. 

kcon has been more eventful than she imagined. enough backstage encounters happened for her want to avoid anyone in the industry for at least a week. ruined friendships, shattered relationships, secret illnesses and desires all surfacing in the span of a lengthy concert had drained the little energy choa’s body lived on and carried day by day.  sure, they had the second day of the concert to rest, little jobs here and there making money for their company. but for a girl that was as open-hearted and carried by feelings and emotions rather than her head, one semi-full day schedule-wise wasn’t going to help clear her mind or her heart.

the plan stay in the hotel and patiently wait for wink’s manager to knock on the door at an ungodly hour, signaling the time to leave for the airport. if it weren’t for the stylist that came in to help her hotel roommate get ready, choa would have followed her original plan. they pressed her to attend, did her hair, make up, repeating that she deserved a drink until the girl herself started believing it. so there she was, approaching the bar, long legs crossing one on top of the other as she settled on one of the stools next to a pair of broad shoulders. 

and maybe she did deserve that drink to free herself from the unsettling array of thoughts the people she did not want to encounter left behind.

so the girl waits for some fun colored, stupidly named beverage she ordered, fingers impatiently grazing the bar. the sooner the lightweight is drunk or at least relatively tipsy, the quicker the idea that she might end up encountering the same people will leave her. “you have no idea. i never imagine kcon becoming a manifestation of my biggest nightmare but here we are. i didn’t even want to be here,” the bar sometimes becomes a confessional, choa’s seen that in glamorous hollywood movies.it’s becoming one for her, too, except that she hadn’t had a single drink then for her words be as open. she’s left wondering of the identity of the owner of the familiar voice she was confessing to, gaze moving from the bartender to a side profile of a drinking man. objectively handsome. someone she followed closely when she was even more naive and unfazed by the industry she chose to become a part of. “oh,” rather than reacting to jinhwan as someone choa liked for a really long time, it comes out in regard to the man gulping down soju. “long few days, i suppose?”

[taekjoarchived-blog]

✽ ⟶ first encounters

[idchoa]

( taekjo‌ )

Taekjo agreed with Choa. It was hard being a trainee on that show. Having the entire country see your mistakes and judge you for having a slight slip up, or just judge you for things you had no control over, like your looks or the way that you talk or anything. It seemed as though netizens found the smallest things to pick on a Produce Project contestant about. “It’s good preparation for what it’s like to be an idol, right?” He asked jokingly, trying to lighten the mood just a little bit. The conversation was taking a pretty dark and morbid turn. He pursed his lips at her question, his eyes shifting down to the drink he held in his hand, before shrugging his shoulders. “I guess it is. Then again, what world isn’t? Trainee world, idol world, business world - hell, even school.” 

gazing at him, she wondered how affected taekjo was by the plethora of thoughts regarding him online, ones she passed herself scrolling through updates and the comment sections of the entertainment news websites she began frequenting as part of her job. it was always interesting to her how people deal with pressure, whether they read it at all, the good and the bad, or they learned to filter through it. simply because choa often fell into the black hole of pann and associated similar commentary. his beaming smile seemed like an implication of little awareness or impressively thick skin. either way, it was admirable how bright he seemed. she had always appreciated driven people, choa could surely learn a lot from him.

it wasn’t a first meeting kind of a topic, so her chain of thoughts lead elsewhere, where her interest in the trainee stayed in lines of the filler conversation they were having. “ohhh, that’s a good idea. would save so many people time and nerves...” the idea seems great to her, but choa does not know anything about entertainment shows. she’s also visibly drunk, and tipsy minds tend to have different interpretations to what a viable idea was. either way, it draws a laugh and a nod from her, before her features turn more serious. “i’m sure you’re going to debut, though! just keep on doing what you do and believe in yourself,” a pep talk taekjo likely didn’t even need. to be fair, she did believe her own words. and in light of how tight the competition was, there was nothing wrong with some reassurance wrapped in a borderline compliment.

“ah, well... as long as the general public likes the catchy sound,” a sip of a drink follows her melodically slurred words. almost a hum, tone accidentally turning too high not to hold bitter meaning. “we’re expecting a lot of dance covers,” that’s what korea wanted, catchy songs and dances easy to follow. it worried her. wink’s success was sudden and notable, they might fall as quickly as they rose when the public decides they’re bored. maybe that’s why whispers of dropping the cute tease and moving onto a sexy tease were spreading. “after all, not sure how many more songs we’ll have with lighthearted choreography like that... everyone around the company is talking about making us sexier. i’m honestly unsure what to make of that or what to expect.” she discloses all too freely. it’s not like she’d get in trouble for further-spreading their change of concept when it was only a rumor.

the thought hadn’t crossed her mind, taekjo’s suggestion making her eyes snap somewhere to the side as her lips gently pursed to think it over. it proved itself to be harder than expected given the alcohol she had consumed. “i mean, i feel like you get roasted more than we do.. everyone feels entitled to be your judge. it’s a bit harsh when you think about it. i hope it does help you adjust later.” a firm nod and her eyes are watching him again, taking in the man’s movement. “at least doing all other things you mentioned don’t have as many rules... don’t see anyone, look proper, dress your nicest to the airport for a flight to la... what if i just want to dress comfortably and rest during the flight without worrying that my make up will melt off and i will look terrible in airport pictures. which will just make the manager mad, then the company... ah, whatever.” the rant is a little ridiculous but very close to the truth that choa ends up waving off with one of her hands lightly. it feels like she’s being too negative. “ ah, nevermind... how about you tell me how was the kpop experience like for you and the rest of the contestants?”

[idchoa]

double trouble ;

[idchoa]

( eunju‌ )

she opens her mouth slightly wider, inhaling to gather the breath it’d take for her to expand before she realizes that she hasn’t even introduced herself. her mother would be disappointed. “oh! i’m so sorry, i haven’t even told you who i am! i’m oh eunju,” she dips into a quick, polite bow, cheeks coloring as she straightens up again. “msg trainee, produce project contestant, capricorn.” it’s a bit slurred by a combination of her dialect and the alcohol, but more intensely by her rush to redeem her impoliteness. 

the notorious girl choa was involved with mentioned cameras. puzzle pieces started coming together in her head, making the drunk lady believe the familiarity she felt towards her new acquaintance was due to a similar career choice. identical, even, if they were coming from the same party grounds.”alcohol increases the probability of falling over, though. or, in my case, doing something stupid,” a feathery laugh escapes her as she tucks a strand behind her ear. one that had been interfering with her vision. “i’m pretty sure if i went off like that in korea, someone would have called the police on me,” her mind goes over the very little pieces she had in her mind of the uncalled, one way fight choa fell into, fingers of her right hand landing mindlessly on her glossy lips for a small moment.

“ah, i guess this is just every day reality to people living here and around the country. they are much more outspoken than we are,” there’s a bittersweet smile on her face, flashbacks of the me too movement that reached korea in her head. but the difference was that in the states women kept fighting, they weren’t afraid and no one was shutting them up. meanwhile, there haven’t been any news about it in korea for a while. they live in silence. “thanks, though.. i doubt it.. with out concept and our management, we have to live to tease and to please.” she waves her hand as if it was nothing. choa was almost used to it, the fact leaning towards the more fucked up side of the scale. when you’re used to becoming more and more like an object. “oh, i used to watch sailor moon so much when i was growing up! i think every girl dreamed of becoming a sailor scout... my ten year old self would be very proud of my twenty five year old self.” she can’t help but laugh at the innocence in the idea, nodding along in approval.

her palm hits her thigh at the introduction, index finger of the same hand pointing at eunju in an accusing manner. it would have looked rude hadn’t choa been smiling. “that’s where i’ve seen you! produce project.. i watch the show religiously,” it’s a bunch of noise of recognition right after. she had already poked taekjo about the rumors of pro.j, it was just her luck to come across another produce project contestant. “i’m jung choa, wink’s lead dancer... koala.t, twenty-five.. um.. scorpio?” she nods towards eunju,move mandatory for introductions.  “which part of jeolla are you from?” she had an array of questions, really. but she chooses the one that hit home the most, the familiarity of the slur in eunju’s tone begging for choa to ask the question.

[idchoa]

bubbles ;

[idchoa]

( suran‌ ) 

a nice fun summer song is always a bonus. she’s wanted to tackle one for awhile, but it seems as though that isn’t in her cards. she likes their direction fine though, even if she misses some of their former sound. wishes they would have been able to perform it. the girl’s words are harmless, but for suran it’s touchy. debut, here, again, so many years into her career. it’s not inaccurate but the whole thing has her dragging her drink a little closer, a wry twist at the corner of her lips. a laugh at her own expense. stupid bitch, did you think you were climbing the ladder? whispers a voice in the back of her head. “ahh, i hope so. i’m not really sure, of course, i guess we’ll both have to see,” she half-laughs, chews at the inside of her cheek. she’s proposed a few songs to the company, some of them having been sitting on her hard drive for years now. she can only hope she makes it through the running. “it seems like we will, though, they don’t seem too keen to really try reinventing the wheel with us or what have you,” she reasons, shrugs slightly.

eyes on her glass, choa twists the delicate container between her fingers, watching as the liquid moved between the walls like sea in midst of the storm. they were like that, too, weren’t they? dragged and shaken under the will of the public. and each other. only a matter of time until someone slips and spills over, kcon the perfect place for such nuisance. “oh, yes, it’s hotter than i expected it to be. not exactly what i associate with a drag, but i get what you mean,” she comments, enunciating out the syllables the best she could for her buzzed worth. “though, brushing shoulders with so many people at once is the true tragedy of this whole endeavor,” the fact that she’s tipsy makes her forget to filter through thoughts. the rhetoric ends up raw, harsh on the edges. almost fitting the coldish features the statuesque lady demonstrated more often than not. “no offence... just that there are people i would rather not meet. i’m sure it’s like that for all of us,” she looks back at suran, gratitude pulling on her lips. “thank you, i hope you’ll enjoy it.”

wink’s success was stable and sudden, all of the girls trying to adjust to the influx of attention to the best of their ability. songs simple, with catchy riffs and choruses with combination of outfits too revealing seemed to be a key to easy attention. “not that there’s much to enjoy, nothing extraordinary. we keep doing what we’re used to for now,” but that’s just it. it was easy and it felt unearned, a shadowing feeling of a quick crash following the high rise planting a seed of doubts in choa’s head. she’d rather have something more stable. a career that didn’t depend on the length of her skirt and dances that weren’t based on cheap movements that gave great opportunity for cameras focus of only one part of the girls that wasn’t their faces. dignity was lost in all interpretations. 

looking at suran, choa wondered what it felt like. a whirlwind of events, thinking you’ve finally reached your goal only to have your company crash, taking and burning hopes with it. there were a lot of questions in her eyes, ones that glimmered in the party lights but never reached her lips. she might have been drunk, but not enough to be clueless. “oh, the conversation happened, huh?” a nonchanat nod, lips pursing in a momentary thought. “they might just want you stable before they test your limits and experiment a little.” it ends in her humming, index finger softly poking at her tumbler as if to gather a thought. “i mean, atlas gets creative control.. seems only fair that you girls get something, too.”

[deletednotused-deactivated20190]

toss me like a stone

[idchoa]

( jaewon‌ )

“long time no see,” he smiles charmingly as he gets closer to her, looks at her from head to toe. hungry. “you look as stunning as ever.”

the lengthy walk from the stage to wink’s dressing room seemed to be nothing but trouble that day, encounters behind the stage stably piled on to become a miniature disaster. between her conversation with jowi, encounter with jaekyu and the notorious loss of consciousness in a dressing room that wasn’t hers, kcon was more emotionally draining than she would have ever expected. stupid, really, since so many groups and so many up kept secrets in one place were nothing else but a highway to a disaster. she should have stayed in the dressing room for the entirety of the event, maybe it would have made it easier for choa to keep her head up.

crossing paths with arguably her least favorite member of one of her most favorite groups adds more fuel to her calamity.

when a turn of her head in an attempt to gather all wavy hair on one shoulder has them locking eyes, her limbs go numb. a red light went off in her head in an useless warning - jaewon’s almost near her when she notices his presence and she’s too well mannered to slip away when she finally got caught in a net by one of the olympus members. not to say she was avoiding the group, just that her fondness of hwanhee was much less powerful than the spite she still carried towards jaewon despite any good memory she had. with that said, the wink member did choose alternative routes to the stage that kept her as far away from their dressing room as possible.  

it makes sense, that her ridiculous efforts go to waste and she meets him last minute.

it takes her all her might not to squirm under his fiery eyes. the look he carried was vaguely familiar. it used to shamelessly excite her, making her blood boil as greedy fingers clung onto jaewon to milk the promise his gaze carried. now it’s just bitter on her tongue, making her take a small step back when he’s close. a little intimidated and overpoweringly distraught. 

“long time indeed, sunbaenim,” her tongue refuses to carry his name, hands crossing beneath her chest. “but i think you’re well aware i would have preferred to keep it that way.” her head tilts to the side as her gaze falls on his smile. still as charming as ever. “but thank you. how flattering,” delicate irony lays heavy on her tongue, gaze snapping back to lock with his. “so... why is this conversation happening? she’s not in the mood to play, gesturing vaguely between them.

[idchoa]

static ;

[idchoa]

( dahye‌ )

“choa?” she calls softly, kneels in front of the girl. dahye and choa have been good friends since their debut, the girl is a breath of fresh air in such a ruthless, horrible industry. a good-hearted girl, a friend. too good for such a world when she thinks about it, and it’s like she can see the consequences right here. she closes her fingers around the girl’s wrists and they’re too thin, too frail. dahye frowns and she’s worried. she’s seen this. she’s seen this far too many times, she’s seen this in herself, one year ago, just as they debuted, just as she started being pushed to model for magazines, just as they started complimenting her for her figure, for managing herself well. she wants to laugh. if they knew how they managed themselves well, the extents she went to. and now, looking up at this girl with clouded eyes it’s almost looking at a past photography, one that hurts, prickles. “honey, that’s going on? what happened?”

she’s not exactly aware of her surroundings, distortion blocking out the view and the ear pressure muting out the sounds around her. for a while she’s just trying to breathe, eyes closing in an attempt to focus, regain consciousness of the world surrounding her. it only becomes evident there’s someone around her when the gentle grip on her wrists makes the frail girl lean forward, her forehead landing straight onto dahye’s shoulder in search for support. there was no way she could keep herself up.

the questions that leave her friend are left unanswered simply because choa can not comprehend them, dahye’s voice echoing somewhere in the back of her mind as the exhaustion and weakness took center-stage. she knows someone’s there, though. “i’m not feeling good,” it’s a whisper in an exhale she takes. soft and barely there, yet, she was close enough to whoever was at her side for them to hear it despite of the faint sound of music coming from the stage as the show went on. 

then she heard her heartbeat in her ears, booming like a rhythmic drum that counted time she had been away from reality in some sickly, predatory manner. balancing on a thin line between life and nothingness, there was not much left to do but breathe. it always helped. breathing to the best of her smoked-out lung capacity. vision and hearing comes back in a flash, a startling one as it made her jump back due to the instantaneous, sharp awareness of what was around her. it ended her back pressed against the backrest of the couch to look around, the image of the dressing room slowly sinking into her mind that once again started to function. no manager, no fellow wink members. her eye’s only met dahye’s gaze which made her mouth fall open, realization that she wasn’t in the safety of wink’s dressing room dawning on her like a thick, black cloud. “i- this is your dressing room?” the question doesn’t need an answer, it’s obvious. it serves the purpose of choa accepting reality as her mind boiled, producing various explanations as fume. “i-i’m sorry, i must have startled you.” she’s smiling then, eyes bright and warm on the girl in front of her. much less cloudy and glassy than before. choa would have almost seemed fine if the elephant in the room was a little bit smaller. “i’m fine, i guess i just didn’t rest enough,” it was only haf the truth, all idols didn’t have enough time to recharge. but they functioned without fainting.

[idchoa]

gravity ;

[idchoa]

( jowi )‌

like she said, it’s a game with no losers. 

nothing about their conversation implied honorifics; wordings polite but meanings behind them passing the senior-junior lines. choa was usually polite, more proper than she was bold, but her tongue refused to roll that way with jowi. “oh, no offence, but i didn’t think a few months difference really qualifies you as a sunbae,” she pouts first, a momentary pause before continuing. “i think we’ve passed that stage, since you’re bold enough to talk about my ass. but i can call you however you like, though.” she didn’t mean to sound as sultry as she did, the many connotations to her words catching up to the young woman when the words are already out. but her endeavor could have made a wiser person question whether it wasn’t at all intentional. it’s more likely that the slur was pushed out by a part of her she had yet to discover. “it seems like my ass grabbed a lot of your attention,” it’s supposed to be sarcastic, as if she wasn’t actually at all flattered. as if the comment didn’t stir her in a way that made her slightly giddy or make her want to comment on the attractive length of jowi’s legs or the spark of mischief that complimented her features in the most endearing way. “almost makes it seem like i greet you ass first, sunbaenim.”

truthfully, the heavy gaze that rolls over her body is enough to make her squirm. choa had to remind herself to stay stable, refuse the natural reaction of stepping backwards. it was her conscious way to prove that aj had nothing on her. all useless effort -- the contrary was already obvious, yet there was too much principle in her not to try to further delude herself. “then i’ll make sure to send you the dance practice video for your... special learning needs,” the offer is dry, the non-existent amusement coming from insatiable effort to stay calm. more than one with choa’s patience would need in front of someone they dislike. “oh, you are?” she twitches her head sideways, as if she wasn’t aware of the reasoning behind it. was there anyone not aware? jowi was everywhere. “you’d think it’d take more than wit to earn such a title...” she doesn’t elaborate further, words ‘nothing special’ lingering in the air. more than that, choa doesn’t have time as jowi’s fingers wrapping around her elbow kick the breath out of her lungs. it makes her take a startled half-step back. “i-wh-” her eyes move to jowi’s hand as her own hands go behind her back to slide into the back pockets of her red high-waisted shorts, all part of the stage outfit. “why? do tall women intimidate you?” she’s quick to come back, eyes snapping back to jowi, a smile curling onto her lips while her digits go up to catch a wavy stand of jowi’s hair. a bold move for the hide and seek choa played with herself. but it’s all within good reason. “i’m sure you’d love that,” she lightly twists the strand between her fingers, following it’s movement with her eyes before her hand ends up back in her back pocket. “unfortunately, i have more important things to do than entertain you with this game you’re trying to play. we’re on next.” her head gestures towards the stage, eyes wandering to the members of her group that had already gathered back stage, waiting for their cue. all in an attempt to distract herself, look unaffected despite the deep breaths choa’s body forced her to take.

it was just stage nerves.. yes.. stage nerves.

[princechaewons-deactivated20170]

[emotional-algebra]

“I see the sun, and if I don’t see the sun, I know it’s there. And there’s a whole life in that, in knowing that the sun is there.”

Fyodor Dostoyevsky

[idchoa]

rewind ;

[idchoa]

( jaekyu‌ )

“i can’t complain. yeah, the group’s doing really well. it’s exciting. but at the same time…” jaekyu lifts his shoulder in a shrug, “a lot of expectations.” he admits. he laughs at the end anyway, like it doesn’t bother him. doesn’t worry him. “so what’s up next on our estranged acquaintance conversation checklist, the weather?” it’s a joke, but jaekyu follows along with i t anyway. “the sun is you know…really out there doing it’s thing today.”

the fact that she didn’t see many traces of him helped her to come up with a delusion that leveled with guilt that kept resurfacing. a luxury she wasn’t supposed to afford, given her jerk actions; it’s easier to live in fool’s paradise. a thought coming from lack of response to her sudden decision that maybe he didn’t mind much, the sudden cut in the lifeline of their relationship. all a distraction, suppressing the thick layer of shame looming over her whenever jaekyu appeared in her peripheral vision or atlas’ song played on the radio. in reality, he was just that nice, respecting her decision silently.

life had put her on the spot that day. talk or don’t talk. the later much more appealing hadn’t the decision been equal to fix it or there’s no going back, no more glances spared or petty pleasantries spoken. frankly, she didn’t want that. though, she didn’t want for them to end up the way they did either but look at them now.

and then it wasn’t pleasant anymore, the smile that jaekyu spared, no matter how much sun-like warmth it carried in her memory. the joke hit her strong enough to give whiplash, a hurricane of tearing at her from inside all at once. it has her dropping her smile, face back to the stoic expression so many critiqued. it would have been so easy, to actually fit her cold features, to not carry that much feeling and emotion. statues could be appealing too, right?

“actually, i thought i’ll say something else now that we’re talking,“ and whose fault was that you haven’t spoken earlier, choa, a small part of her was adamant. so much that it had her falling quiet right the next second, lips uselessly opening only for her to remain mute until she couldn’t hold his gaze anymore. “i hold no good reason for the way that i have been acting towards you,“ truthfully, there was never enough time to put pieces together to figure out for what reasons she chose the most childish path of them all, decision to run executed much too quickly to put more thought in. mind too preoccupied with a conversation that didn’t happen and the many endings, choa lived in multiple worlds which passed reality in paralel lines.

her hands don’t know what to do either, coming up to rub on her eyes before falling helplessly to her sides having remembered she’s in stage make up. it’s almost funny how jittery she is. “i guess scared people do stupid things... i just- i feel like at this point there’s no proper way for me to apologize.. and you’re probably not interested either- but i’m truly so sorry about how i acted,“ it feels wrong to be apologizing while staring at his shoes, so her eyes snap back to his, another apology whispered. it leaves her terrified. of jaekyu and of what’s to follow.

[idchoa]

relax ;

[idchoa]

( jiyeon‌ )

“i’ll make sure to watch you guys, your songs are so catchy.” jiyeon watches choa, wonders what is going on in her mind. “i get that, i wasn’t feeling nervous on the plane and on the hotel, but we got here and i started shaking all over.” jiyeon chuckles, feeling silly. “but i like these events because i can see all my friends from other groups that i don’t see often.” she smiles at choa, reaches out to hold her hand. “i’m sure you girls will do amazing, you always do.” she squeezes choa’s hand. “but if you get nervous remember that you have your number one fan, aka me, cheering you on from backstage.”

it comes in a gradual change of expression - her appreciation for the compliment. at first it’s in her eyes, as if she were surprised, the crescents widening into a perfectly round shape. followed by a beaming, toothy smile directed at jiyeon as her hands went to squeeze her cheeks, overwhelmed by affection. she doesn’t know how to respond to that, she never had. it was unusual her older brothers often laughed at her, remembering her dark, sun-kissed skin and the daily overalls; she sees the same looking into a mirror, a danty farm girl staring at her from the other side. unable to understand the compliments she received at times nor the direction of cameras and catwalks koala.t was pushing her, but receiving a good word or two never failed to add two cents to her livelihood.

she leaves it hanging, focusing on the striking beauty in front of her instead, the same one that stole her attention right from the beginning.

“i understand, honey,“ the weight of jiyeon’s words was familiar. in fact, mindless songs and the concept playing off innocence to tease onlookers was starting to bother her, too. two years of the same mary-go-round, there was a level of spite she felt each time their producers showed them their new song. the same dance, the same catchy chorus and the same skirts and shorts that didn’t cover much. “it’s probably just more marketable to put out cute stuff in the summer. maybe midas will decide to strike with something creepy in autumn, no?” there’s very little awareness to how midas actually operates inside, choa has very little clue. either way, she manages to draw something positive out with plausible logic.

she nods at the promise jiyeon makes, a low laugh escaping her in a reaction. “i’m so tired of the same tunes.. but i guess? as long as i don’t need to sing about shaking my ass for another few days, i can endure it,” a deep breath leaves her, hitting her wavy hair and lifting a lose strand in the air. “those are the good kind of jitters, though, that’s why you did fantastic, honey! it’s healthy to feel a little nervous, especially in front of so many people.. you must be tired now?” she only saw it during rehearsal, but the empty seats looked intimidating. it wouldn’t be a surprise had the onlookers stole all of the performer’s energy. “i’m not sure if you being here makes me more nervous or consoles me... probably a bit of both, but i’ll definitely try my hardest knowing you’re watching,” the way she puts it is borderline flirty, hadn’t it been usual and she could freely say whatever she wanted, hand squeezing jiyeon’s at the contact. 

[idchoa]

looming shadows ;

march 2017, rooftop of a broadcasting station ; @idkisol

it was dark, all greys, blues and blacks painting the gloomy horizon. there was no sight of a moon hanging over heads of the quickly moving city, the only specks of light under her feet the yellow street lamps flashing on and off. as if asking whether or not it was too early for them to do their job. time was stuck between day and night, the time of the year making it impossible to guess witch hour of the day it was. the weather was lost between wanting to fuel the blooming of breathtaking flowers and holding onto the chilling winter snow. early spring, after all, was a time of overall confusion in the otherwise smoothly, organically running planet. 

maybe it was no coincidence she met him then.

the atmosphere was borrowed straight from a mystery novel. fog sunk onto the darkness of city below her, blurring out the people that walked on streets and the cars that passed them. it laid a cold, damp layer on every surface around, wetting her hands as choa gripped onto the handrail between her and the edge of the building to look down into the sea of dense grey and all that floated in it.

she didn’t need to light a cigarette up for something resembling smoke to form right under her nose as she exhaled a breath that was stuck in her lungs for the entirety of the few seconds the young woman stared over the edge. but she wasn’t a kid to pretend that the fog that formed was one of a death stick from the pack snug in her pocket, especially since her own stomach clawed at her, kept twisting in pain and abandonment. she had to suffocate it. shut it up.

turning around and leaning her back against the railing, choa goes to look for her cigarettes in the pocket of her coat. movement catches her attention before one is fished out of it and pressed in between glossy lips. a figure was moving in the shadows, rhythmic footsteps gradually becoming louder as the mystery approached her. it felt as if she was about to make a deal with the devil, there, in the darkness of the early evening beneath a sad excuse of a light illuminating the whole perimeter of the rooftop in a tasteless orange. it made her head spin lightly, eyes squinting towards the person that came from the shadows in an attempt to make out some features. 

[idchoa]

home ;

august 2018, bingle bangle promotions, behind the scenes of kbs showtime ; @idyujin​ 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　  　 — ( detail your character recording at a music show )

hours have passed since wink had entered the kbs building to film for show time to promote their new summer single with lips too red and shorts too tiny. in a way, choa understood why it took hours upon hours of waiting just to get an opportunity to rehearse, time dragging along before they get to perform in front of fans with multiple banners and flashing signs of their names. there were many idols waiting for their own chance, many conversations with multiple people the camera directors had just to plan every detail of a performance. there was no space for imperfection in an idol eats idol, company eats company industry, with so many new groups debuting every week and fighting for their turn in the spotlight. it was in interest to the company and the idols for them to get the best shot, gather the most votes, win a trophy.

it was fairly tiring. about which choa sometimes complained to her manager, waiting around leaving very little energy to perform after all behind the scenes interviews are done and food is passed out (one she doesn’t occupy herself with either).

thankfully, kbs feels a little bit like home. you can’t get tired at home, can you? 

behind a door with bold letters ‘mc’ plastered on it the booming music that was heard all the way backstage faded into the background, a presence that felt like home overpowering the floor-shaking bass. it pulled choa like a magnet, the young woman forgetting to knock as she steps into the room, eyes already on the subject of her affection. 

“yujinnie,“ long legs took quick strides and choa was right next to the girl, both arms around her and cheek pressed onto the side of her head, messing up the neatly laid out hair. it was a rather awkward position for a hug, the older leaning down towards the younger that had been sitting in a beauty chair, a stylist looming around her, perfecting her already camera-ready make up. “honey, hello,“ she opened her eyes to look at her friend’s reflection in the mirror, a smile turning the round eyes into glimmering crescents. “look at you, all beautiful and ready... are you filming soon or do you have some time to hang out with me? all my girls fell asleep and,“ her eyes traveled subtly to people around them as she finally let go of yujin to straighten her back. “you know how i am.“ it was a selfish request, but that seemed to be a running theme with yujin.

[idchoa]

through glass ;

may 2018, midas’ main office ; @idjingyi

it was a friend she followed in, straight trough security as they ran away from pouring spring rain. the night was already set, a whole day off spent with an acquaintance from the company only to be caught by surprise by a change of weather. thankfully, midas wasn’t too far away, her company offering to steal some umbrellas they could use to get to each of their dorms. what an unlikely savior, sarcasm heavy on her friends’ lips as they walked in through the doors.

choa was suggested to wait, as there were many rooms and security to pass to find something that could shield them from the rain. she was fine with it, though, it’s not her company to wander around. yet, patience runs thin after around eight minutes alone so she steps further into the company, the only lit hallway pulling her towards itself, the glass walls around it beckoning her to look inside.

trainees. so many hard working individuals occupying each room she passed, looking in through the glass. different songs were playing in each room, her eyes meeting with a perfectly polished, fitting choreography the further along the corridor she got. in a lot of cases, the performance seemed to already be perfected to the bone. but she knew how it actually was, she was once in their shoes. perfect isn’t a limitation when all one wants is to debut. they need to surpass perfect. surpass any word of similar tier or meaning in the dictionary, the want for a spotlight overpowering every other need. even the basic human needs of food, sleep and water, maslow’s hierarchy crumbling to the ground beneath the feet of entertainment companies.

that’s why it’s concerning when she spots a boy, face as white as chalk, on the floor in one of the practice rooms. before she could think twice, choa was opening the door to the room, concerned gaze on him. “hi, um... are you alright?” how does one even start a conversation, having barged into someone’s personal space. it’s a bit awkward, making her hand go up to run in the black locks of her damp hair, eyes glued to the boy below her waiting for a response.

[ftxromeo]

( * // haze. )

[idchoa]

( puck‌ )

 a distraction is literally standing right before him , alluring and tantalizing. ❝ lead the way , honey. ❞ skinny dipping’s always been something of a rite of passage. he hasn’t done it a while , but when the offer’s right there , what is he going to do ? say no ?

there wasn’t a way choa could pinpoint when or for what reason her casual outlook on paris flipped into becoming much less appropriate than a gradual friend she met every so often in the gym she was signed to. all she knew that it did; once her fingers pulled on his shirt, a suggestive glint in her eye getting a response catering to her craving. they didn’t go back from that. it was easy to keep up, to maintain as it didn’t require much loyal investment. a very favorable unspoken deal, considering all her relationships have burned to the ground, why would she want that again.

no reason to stop. or, at least, none that she’s aware of, blindsided towards the tangled feelings and following complications between friends, enemies and other third-parties involved. had she known the heart of her so-called lady crush, had she had the slightest idea about what lingered inside paris (or, rather, who), her fingers wouldn’t have gripped on his shirt. nor would have choa found enough will inside to even think about undoing the first two buttons of his shirt like she had before slipping away from being stuck in between him and the wall to follow his request. only to flash an inviting smile from behind her shoulder as she clicked away along the hallway.

it took a few corridors and flights of stairs to get to the privacy of one of the rooms offering the service of a hot tub to the guests. his presence behind her kept her head spinning, temptation to stop and test their limits out behind a corner rising if they didn’t have so much to lose had anyone interrupted. might as well keep it under wraps, given they had the opportunity. 

her nose pokes into one of the rooms to make sure it’s empty before she turns to back into it slowly, gaze locked on his. purposeful to tease and taunt as her lower lip gets caught between her teeth for a moment. “i called the hot tub,” tone low and fitting to the heat she felt rushing all over her body, she tilts her head slightly to the side. almost too innocently for the lewd intention or the offering that follows. “what would you like this evening, darling?” because god knows, the lady craves hearing and follows requests well. 

[idchoa]

revelation ;

january 2017, ‘happy together’ senior/junior variety special ; @idjunseo 　 　 　 　  　  　 — ( detail your character doing a variety show appearance )

the toned down burgundy blossoming on her cheeks was unaccounted for under the multiple cameras rolling, her eyes travelling from the small tv screens directed at the stage to look straight into the lens that was following her every move. an awkward laugh escaped her, causing her hand to go up and cover her uncomfortable smile. just like she had been taught in the multiple lessons of idol ethics.

the topic of the conversation was impromptu, nowhere in the script she had received. at least not in her version of it, as it seemed to be planned. the small screens she looked away from showed a few messages from the fancafe, her old username and the content of the comments written making her want to dig a whole for herself in which she could crawl into and cry. it wasn’t anything major, and choa was sure that the fondness she carried for some of the idol groups and their members would come out eventually. everything does in the industry she chose to make herself a part of.

what she didn’t expect was to be right next to the person she had carried a lot of admiration for then. the subject of her comments. na junseo himself.

they ask her to read them out loud. choa wants to shake her head, huff and puff at the request. but she’s in no position to. especially as a rookie idol. so her hand fals back down on her thigh to grab onto her wrist as her lips parted. “imp’s shining dancer, good job today, like always. you move so well, i couldn’t take my eyes off you. have strength and fighting tomorrow, too!” her tone gradually turned more silent, limbs stiffening at her awareness of his presence next to her. 

everyone’s giggling, it’s cute. not to her, though. “i’m a big imperial fan, yes,” she admits loudly, a million versions of the same question hitting her all at once. just imperial? “so this is variety,” she says loudly, tone quite aloof as she turns towards junseo a little, pressing the backs of her hands to her burning cheeks.