WELCOME TO MY NOOK.

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A Wedding Tear

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Liberation and Limitation within the Assignment of Meaning

Bonsai by Edith Tiempo

All that I love I fold over once And once again And keep in a box Or a slit in a hollow post Or in my shoe. All that I love? Why, yes, but for the moment- And for all time, both. Something that folds and keeps easy, Son's note or Dad's one gaudy tie, A roto picture of a queen, A blue Indian shawl, even A money bill. It's utter sublimation, A feat, this heart's control Moment to moment To scale all love down To a cupped hand's size Till seashells are broken pieces From God's own bright teeth, And life and love are real Things you can run and Breathless hand over To the merest child.

Liberation and Limitation within the Assignment of Meaning

By Idonna Lacson

     Man defines the world to being. It is in this process of definition that human kind is both liberated and limited. Man is liberated when he attaches meaning to objects because he becomes free from the dullness of an objectified world.  However, when he attaches meaning to the objects into the world, he becomes limited to those meanings. In the event that man attempts to liberate himself, he simultaneously confines himself.  There exists a dichotomy of liberation and limitation when man assigns meaning into objects. The nature of meaning and its effects on man is made apparent in Edith Tiempo’s poems “Bonsai” and “What Distance Gives”.

     Bonsai invites its readers to observe the nature of abstract meaning an through an  enumeration of concrete objects of meaning and an evaluation of the process of assigning meaning or “utter sublimation” and the power behind that process.

     “All that I love/ I fold over once/ And once again/ And put in a box / Or a slit in a hollow post /or under my shoe” The scenario presented in the first stanza is controlled by the persona.  He contains all that he loves (whatever they may be) and succeeds. If one were to visualize this literally, this task is impossible. In the sensorial experience of folding: the bigger or thicker an item is, the harder it will be for the person who is folding the item. However, the first stanza shows illustrates that the act of compartmentalizing “all that I love” is done effortlessly. This shows that the process of assigning meaning is voluntary and is the agent of assigning meaning is man. Confinement and freedom within meaning is voluntary on the agent that brings that meaning. Since man is that (agent as shown in Bonsai), man is also the one who makes a choice to liberate or to confine himself with the meaning he makes his world to be. Though this is established, there are two matters not presented in this stanza: firstly, an explanation of how man assigns meaning to objects and secondly, concrete objects of meaning that prove man’s ability to assign meaning.

      The poem enumerates objects of value such as a “Son’s not or Dad’s one gaudy tie,/ A roto picture of a queen,/ A blue Indian shawl, even/ A money bill in the second stanza. This makes the items of meaning concrete for the readers.

     The third stanza unifies the first and second stanza by finally explaining man’s heart to “scale all love down” to a “cupped hand’s size”. Because of the heart’s ability to make love tangible through sentimental items, love is therefore under one’s control. The phrase “cupped hand’s size” emphasizes the degree of control the persona has over “All that I love”.

     The gap between abstract meaning and these objects are bridged with “utter sublimation”----man’s control “To scale all love down/ To a cupped hand’s size.”

     This process is liberating because suddenly love and life and other things that matter most to us are all the more real. Suddenly, we have evidence that meets our sense of touch, smell, sight, hearing and taste.

     It is also liberating because man is given the ability to cheat time. As long as the objects of meaning exist, one is not denied to opportunity to teach others about abstract meaning that enriched one. This meaning is preserved to the point that “…you can run and/ Breathless hand over/ To the merest child.” and the child will comprehend and learn about that meaning.

     However, in the process of liberation, man also confines himself with the meanings he has assigned to the world. The objects make abstract meanings more specific. Because of this, man’s view of love or life becomes limited to his storage house of meaning. On the other hand, this specificity of meaning into signs provides a mechanism for man to express himself to others. He becomes liberated in expression. 

[idonnasthoughtnuggets]

Lessons: Age 25

Here’s my annual round up of life lessons. I’m writing from a busy and slightly melancholic phase of age 26. 

1. Love grows on specific coordinates and conditions.

Intuition speaks strongly when you think you’ve found a kindred spirit. There is this unspoken comfort in being in each other’s company. There is patience and kindness which only grows when the situation calls for it. Above all, there is a resolve to think about the other without counting the cost.

However, no matter how it feels like you’re a perfect match --- reality bites.

Love blooms on proximity, timing, readiness and repetition. 10,000 km away and yet so clearly present in my mind’s eye won’t change reality.

2. Philosophy can be practical. 

This year I read a book called “Essays On Love”. It’s phenomenology & musings on falling in love. I felt validated that I wasn’t totally weird. What I loved about this book is that it tells you how you can process certain situations and what possibly you could do next.

3. Time is a FINITE resource.

For every year that I get older, I realize how finite time is in reference to my personal timeline. As the quote goes: If you love your life, don’t waste time!

[idonnasthoughtnuggets]

Quiet Conversations

It is a wonder for the heart to beat this fast and yet for the mind to feel this calm at the same time. There is a certain comfort and peace in having you near. Sitting across you over pasta and pizza at a restaurant with a little view of the city, I can’t help but feel genuinely happy. The phenomenon of having dinner with you is as natural as the changing of seasons or the rolling of time itself. And I can only hope, this thing we share could remain as constant. 

You don’t know the extent for which you make me so glad to exist on this specific Saturday. I relish every drop of word and every wave of thought that you send my way. To hear your voice and to see you smile can only give me delight.

Thank you for listening and thank you for your warmth.

[idonnasthoughtnuggets]

Spheres of Influence

It’s easy to forget that you have the capacity to help society when you’re already comfortable with your own bubble, your comfortable routine. I now realize the importance of the willingness to be bothered. 

Please be bothered at the thought of poverty. Be bothered at the thought that there a children without homes and women who are abused.

As a child, I had always dreamt of doing something significant which would have an impact on society. I was foolish enough to think I could do it on my own. Today, as an adult I realize that mobilizing change alone is improbable. Success happens through a collective effort. From bringing people together can we realize change with a concrete impact. 

It is a decision to own up to one’s “sphere of influence”. I really like that terminology --- “sphere of influence”. It is a reminder that one’s reach is not all-encompassing. It exposes the capacity of an individual to instigate change where he or she is planted. Imagine what society would be like if every individual took it upon himself / herself to use his / her skills for the benefit of others?

I write these words not so much as to preach as I admit I have yet to pick up on my sphere of influence. In which case, I’m writing to remind myself.  

[idonnasthoughtnuggets]

I’m Foxxy Cleopatra and I’m a whole lot of woman.

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Quarter Life Crisis

A goal is a dream with a deadline. 

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Music Diary - Jan 2017

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Escapism vs. Realism in Babae sa Septic Tank 2

The Convention

Philippine cinema has commonly been criticized for its escapist approach. The general audience (I refuse to say, “the masses” because it sounds derogatory) is bombarded with fantasies of happy endings, of formula romance, cheap laughs and flowery messages which makes the disgruntled ask “May mararating ba tayo sa paulit-ulit na mababaw na katuwaan?” 

Enter the Philippine indie cinema scene. The shakier the shots, the more real it appears, the more awards you win (according to Babae sa Septic Tank. Haha!). The mission of indie cinema is to wake us up to social realities which surround us or you know art for art’s sake (long debate. dates back to Jose Garcia Villa and some other guy. But for the sake of simplicity, let’s assume its the former).

If you’ve ever tried watching an indie film, you’re bound to watch some weird and disturbing sh#t. It spans from incest, pedophilia, rape, lots of violence and major butt sex. Clearly, it is not fun to watch, but that’s beside the point. *~Cause it has something to say~* 

Coming from status quo, the dichotomy is seemingly clear. Formula films = bad, indie cinema = good. 

Babae sa Septic Tank 2  (Warning: Spoilers ahead) 

Babae sa Septic Tank 2 creates a dialogue between these two camps (mainstream vs. indie). 

This exists in: 

 Eugene Domingo vs. Direk

The two visions for the film, The Itinerary 

The two leading men, Jericho Rosales vs. Joel Torre

The film somehow makes this discussion light-hearted showing the little conversational dances between Eugene vs. Direk, how Joel Torre gets pissed at every scene when he gets replaces by Papa Echo, how the shots get so comically gasgas when ever Eugene tries to visualize it. 

The film somewhat guides your thinking that Eugene is on the escapist’s camp while Direk is on the indie high horse. But somehow the dialogue towards the end of the film reveals grey area’s and faults on our protagonist, Direk.

How Indie Film makers are (sometimes) Escapists too

In a heated argument between Direk and Eugene Domingo, Eugene does the most outrageous thing by defending formula films. 

“Who would spend P250 to watch a sad story? Mahirap na ang buhay as it is, why the hell would anyone want to spend money to watch suffering?” 

“There’s no such thing as happily ever after”

Malamang Direk. Mayroon na bang taong nabuhay na naging masaya  sa buong buhay niya? You think the Filipino audience doesn’t know that Direk? They know suffering. They experience it every day. Walang happily ever after? Alam nila yan.”

As much as this might not sit well with us as the audience, she has a point. 

For indie film makers to dare & hope that their audience (who are already knee-deep into poverty and every suffering) would appreciate honest cinema is just as idealistic & escapist in disposition as the films that they hate. To think that substance will win over people vs. commercial value is a tall order. But of course, Babae sa Septic Tank 2 is not telling any film maker to give in to the pressures of tastes for shallow entertainment. Perhaps it is simply acknowledging another reality about Philippine Cinema. Somehow, you still need to make a sale. 

How else would directors be funded again if their films continue to flop? More importantly, how would they survive if their art form remains unappreciated?

Another criticism made through the character of Eugene Domingo is how Direk engages with his crumbling marriage. 

It is apparent throughout the film that Direk has been having problems with his marriage. He continues to neglect his wife in the pursuit of the film, The Itinerary which is dedicated to his wife. 

“You don’t know how personal this film is to me. It’s my way to show my wife that everything I’ve worked hard on is for her, is for them.” 

“If you have problems with your marriage Direk. You don’t make a fucking movie. You go see a councilor”

When artists stop engaging with reality and start to use art as an escape for some personal catharsis (which has nothing to do with the problem in the first place), that is when the artist, the film maker becomes escapist. 

For the normal person, it could just be a case of overthinking rather than actually finding a sound solution. 

MMFF and the future of Filipino Cinema

 (Read this part if you’re having a TL;DR moment)

The 2016 MMFF clearly hit a milestone in distributing honest Filipino films to a wider audience. It is a disruption in the dichotomy of realism vs. escapism as we Filipinos know it. This year we see films about the struggles of a transvestite woman (Die Beautiful), a criticism on folk Catholicism (Seklusyon), a [self-confessed] typical love story but rendered in a non-typical way (Saving Sally), expositions on extra-judicial killings (Kabisera), the plight of a mining community in Camarines Sur (Oro), the joys and pains of OFWs in HK (Sunday Beauty Queen) and a comical criticism on escapism vs. realism (Ang Babae sa Septic Tank 2).

The festival has been true to its promise: Maraming Magandang Filipino Films. 

More exciting than the success of the festival is how these honest films have opened our minds, the local audience. It has given some an acquired taste for more of what Filipino Cinema has yet to offer and can offer.  :)

[idonnasthoughtnuggets]

note to self: have this played on my wedding night 

[idonnasthoughtnuggets]

Lessons: Age 24

Just entered the quarter life this month and I can say I’ve never been happier. 

I’ve taken upon myself to always write down what I have learned in a span of a year ( 3 years in the making! haha). In no particular order of importance, here are my lessons for age 24. 

1. Be a friend to yourself. 

Contemplative rest was a common theme of my weekends. I’d spend my Saturdays in cafes writing down my frustrations, my aspirations and what habits I needed to change to become my ideal self.  There were moments of success and there were moments of pitfalls in the past year. However, Age 24 Idonna picked up on becoming kinder & constructive towards herself so that she could grow instead of dwelling. 

Before age 24, I had a dwell problem. In moments wherein I felt I fell short, I would be so caught up in replaying the mistake in my head. This would place a weight on my shoulders and it did not help at all. I read a Psychology article about how it would be more useful to contemplate on what to do differently. (i.e. Next time, I will try ____. Next time, I will not ____). It helps to talk to yourself in the same manner you would talk to a friend who needs compassion and kindness. 

2.  It takes time to find your place in the world but continue to do your best where ever you may be. In this way, when you find your passion you’ll be ripe for the part.

Long story short, I’ve been through lots of challenges in the past year. There were moments when I felt like I was going in circles. It wasn’t until last month when I realized the fruition of what ever I had gone through. 

When I was being evaluated in my new role, our HR head was saying it was the first time she saw a remarkable case like mine. My bosses cited habits which they felt made me stand out. 

I look back and realize how who I am now is the accumulation of  my learnings in the past. I am a product of my habits. My heart is full of gratitude. 

3. Be at peace with being pursued and invest in the friendship. 

This lesson could only apply to me or a certain set of ladies. I acknowledge that there are different dynamics to dating and courtship. (And it’s more of what works for you as a woman). There is no such thing as a one-size fits all kind of thing when it comes to this.

This lesson was painful. I used to make excuses for a guy I used to date. Glaring shortcomings were forgiven on my end. I thought that if I was forgiving and kind it would help us both. I thought I was just being understanding. Nope, I woke up to the reality that I was settling. I got out of this rut soon enough and I am so grateful that I am where I am now.  

A man will pursue you if he is interested in you. A little nugget I picked up from the internet: “Queens don’t chase. That’s how their crowns fall off.” Sit back and enjoy the friendship. :) 

[idonnasthoughtnuggets]

Burnout  (Sugarfree Cover)

Hot pink Hollywood romance has always grabbed the limelight. We see it in movies, Shakespearean plays and poems. This hot pink Hollywood love consumes the senses. It immerses one’s being into an ocean.

Nothing else matters but this big overwhelming love that you have. It catches fire so furiously that it is bound to end in tragedy. A burning flame can only tear down those that surround it. It is the conceit of young teenagers who are ignorant of the confluence of love and lust.

This song is not about that. 

This song talks about a tired kind of love. An age old love. A human kind of love that is having a difficult time. It is love that is no longer in the infatuation phase and has surpassed the emotional high of being in love. Perhaps it is even fair to say that this love has encountered all of its necessary “firsts”. 

O wag kang tumingin Ng ganyan sa 'kin Wag mo akong kulitin Wag mo akong tanungin

An argument troubles two lovers. The POV is subject to that of one side’s perspective only. Let us call him the romantic hero. (For the purpose of simplicity, I will assume that the persona is male. But I would just like to acknowledge that the theme is universal. It is not gender specific nor gender preference specific. So feel free to replace he with she as you read this). He expresses cold words “Please do not look at me that way. Don’t bug me. Don’t ask me” It is a tense conversation.

If you would bother to read these lines out loud, you could even argue that the romantic hero is angry at this point.

Dahil katulad mo Ako rin ay nagbago Di na tayo katulad ng dati Kay bilis ng sandali

He takes a moment to acknowledge his own limitations and his own subjectivity. “Just like you, I have changed. We are no longer the way we used to be. How brief do moments pass!” 

Initially, it sounds like a miserable state. He speaks about how their love has changed ---- in a more serious way. There is a certain melancholy to it. There is a loss. The playful kind of young love is gone. 

Although these impressions trouble us, the romantic hero who takes the time to acknowledge these changes has taken a very mature step. He attempts to rationally see things as they are. 

O kay tagal din kitang minahal 

“How long have I loved you” 

This statement is startling because it is in the past tense. Assuming the POV of the persona’s partner, you fear the worst. Minahal?. Does this mean you no longer love me? 

Kung iisipin mo Di naman dati ganito Teka muna teka lang Kailan tayo nailang

The persona goes on. “If you think about it, things weren’t this way before. Wait a moment. When did we ever get uncomfortable?” 

It is all very ironic. Their love has endured many challenges for years. The two lovers have been through a lot together. But in this moment, the awkward discomfort between them IS a first in itself.  Kung iisipin mo Di naman dati ganito Kay bilis kasi ng buhay Pati tayo natangay 

“If you think about it, things weren’t this way before. Cause the tides of life passed by too fast . Even we were blown away along with it” 

The circumstances that now surround the two lovers are not a result of their actions. Perhaps they are okay and normal for a couple who has reached this stage in life. The reference to the tides of time makes you think that change is natural. What these lovers are going through now is a function of time not of fault. The persona does not blame himself nor his love. 

O kay tagal kitang minahal

“How long have I loved you”. 

He says this line again. His partner feels anguish in her heart. Perhaps it is difficult for her to read the situation or to understand the romantic hero. 

Tinatawag kita Sinusuyo kita Di mo man marinig Di mo man madama

“I’m calling out to you. I’m trying to win (woo) you. Even if you may not hear it. Even if you may not feel it”. 

Contrary to what we are lead to think, the romantic hero soldiers on! Regardless of how things are difficult now, he stays true to the love that they share. This act of courage hinges on a commitment to love.

O kay tagal din kitang mamahalin 

“Oh how long will I also continue to love you!”

Firmly and resolutely, he chooses to continue loving her. At this point, we do not know how our heroine will respond. But the notes fade away with the reassurance that things will turn out just fine. 

[idonnasthoughtnuggets]

On Adulthood and Anxiety

Discounting the thought that John Mayer is one of the most douche-y personalities ever to be changed by fame / portrayed by the media, the man makes a lot of sound points in his songs. 

Zooming into the song “New Deep”, the basic conflict of the persona is overthinking vs. actually living. I’m sure a lot of you guys have had the same problem. Your brain goes on overdrive and you overthink the nitty gritty details of everything that crawls around you. Too many big questions buzz in his head --- On God, on yourself and on life’s purpose. 

I'm so alive I'm so enlightened I can barely survive A night in my mind

The persona makes a decision not to make a big deal out of everything. He realizes asking the same questions repeatedly do not bring him any closer to the answers. 

I've got a plan I'm gonna find out just how boring I am And have a good time Cause ever since I tried Trying not to find Every little meaning in my life It's been fine I've been cool With my new golden rule Numb is the new deep Done with the old me And talk is the same cheap it's been

.... 

You know, I used to be the back porch poet with my book of rhymes Always open knowing all the time I'm problably Never gonna find the perfect rhyme For 'heavier things'

I have discovered that this kind of calm comes with growing up. Maybe we are so anxious when we are young because we do not have a clue about what life is about. We do not know what to expect. It is fair to say  that we do not know enough just yet or perhaps there will never be a point wherein we’ll figure life out completely. It’s an aletheia. You will only truly know as you go. 

As a child, I was anxious about death. I am the youngest of four siblings. The age gap is glaring between me and my youngest brother. (More than a decade!). I would end up imagining what life would be like in the end. I would be old and alone (the last to survive) while my siblings would leave this world long before I would. 

Then I grew up and realized that death is part of the natural cycle of life.I don’t know how this is supposed to be comforting. But seeing how death is INCLUDED in the cycle of life eased me into accepting it as a reality.

 As a teenager, I was always so anxious about my path. I was anxious and confused about my future, about who I wanted to become, about where I was. It was a question that kept me up at night. 

Slowly but surely, I tried different things. The world engulfed me in a sea of experiences and challenges. What ever shook me up clarified what are my non-negotiables and what are the things I want in life.

As an adult, I’m anxious about failure. I’m anxious about not meeting the things I expect of myself by a certain age. I’m scared of not being good enough in the eyes of my loved ones. I’m terrified about the thought of never really contributing something concrete for the betterment of society. Such is the struggle of the young adult who wants to make her mark in the world.

It will certainly take a lifetime to realize my dreams and to figure things out. But the difference now is that this anxiety is something I have learned to live through positively. I have learned to enjoy the progress rather than over-state the results. Living is the new deep.

[idonnasthoughtnuggets]

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[idonnasthoughtnuggets]

Vibrant Hong Kong

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The Progress of Personal Permanence

EXCELLENCE

A hovering fear we feel  (but do not necessarily say) as human beings is that we might become mediocre. But once we drill deeper, mediocrity is not the real source of our fear. It is something we interact with everyday. We are afraid of —vulnerability. We are honestly afraid of putting ourselves in the vulnerable position of doing something with great effort and time, only to realize in the end that we were still not good enough.

A sort of unrequited love. We are all afraid of rejection. We are afraid of not being sufficient, not making the cut even after giving our all.

But in this maze of fear and excitement, you will never really know unless you try. We only ever regret the things we DO NOT do. So we might as well go for it.  

I find that excellence presupposes a kind of obsession. An obsession in a field of study, craft, a gift. Excellent people who have walked this earth were fortunate enough to find that one thing they knew they could obsess about for a life time or alternatively, these people became excellent because they CHOSE not to give up on their obsessions even when it got tough or even when people thought they were borderline crazy. 

“I began to realize how important it was to be an enthusiast in life…if you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it at full speed ahead. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it and above all become passionate about it. Lukewarm is no good. Hot is no good either. White hot and passionate is the only thing to be.”-  Roald Dahl

Quite naturally, with this obsession comes working on something on a string (consistently!). A painter becomes excellent when he discovers his style and works at it day in and day out. 

A COMMITMENT TO LOVE

I find that this disposition of consistency is not only applicable to one’s work but in one’s commitment to love. “White hot and passionate is the only thing to be.”

As Maya Angelou put it: “Love is many things. It’s varied. One thing it is not and can never be is unsure.”

This point has been explained before, but I’ll say it again because it is important. Young girls & boys need to hear this! Love takes on a form of commitment, an obsession, a thirst for excellence. Love is only truly what it is when it is absolute and decisive. Anything less of 100% is only counterfeit love (to put it politely). Or perhaps lust, a passing fancy, a flipping fling. 

It is in the commitment to love another person that one grows. That is why we owe so much respect to our grand parents — they have succeeded in a kind of lifetime award for loving (Imagine that?).

Imagine the challenges of a life time. Foresee everything that could go wrong : illness, pain, poverty. Through all of it, what you will need is someone who is “white hot & passionate” for you just as you are for him. “Lukewarm is no good” and will not be enough for you both to survive. Don’t ever settle for lukewarm. Because lukewarm will only give you heart aches. Lukewarm is shortchanging each other. What a gift it would be to find someone worthy of your love and to be loved just the same with no ifs or buts. What a gift it would be to find a soul who can understand your soul.

Scott Peck had put it in a very practical way: Love is choosing the person every single day. It is a moment by moment decision. It is not something automatic which comes to you once you get married. 

A COMMITMENT TO SAY GOODBYE 

I find that this is a topic rarely talked about but it is also just as equally important. With the tons of young adults walking around with broken hearts and sob stories, they need to hear the cold hard truth.

In the same commitment you attempted to love somebody for all that they are, it is just as  important to commit to say goodbye in the right time. It is in closing this one door that you become capable to open another. It is this consistent NO to someone unworthy that you open your heart to someone who is. 

This consistent goodbye is personal progress. The temporary pain is a solution and a step forward to reclaiming yourself. 

It is a reclaiming of your happiness, time and peace of mind. As children, we have always wanted both sides to win. Or to remain friends with everyone. But with the scarcity of time and the ironies of happiness, I find that burning bridges can be perfectly valid. You just have to learn when to step back and realize if someone is making you miserable. Don’t ever give anyone license to hurt you when ever he / she feels like it. In this crossroad for survival, choose yourself.