I Don't Know What I Want

Digital Diary | 25 | Pansexual

[idontknowwhatiwantworld]

Comfortable With the Uncomfortable

I am a girlfriend. No, not a Girlfriend meaning , "a woman's female friend" but a Girlfriend meaning,

a regular female companion with whom a person has a romantic or sexual relationship. "  And yes, I am twirling my hair and kicking up my feet as I write this!

I haven't posted in a very long time and said boyfriend is the main reason, I truly believe I've found my person. He is kind, genuine, selfless and GREAT at communicating. So, I didn't feel the need to post anymore. To be honest this blog was made when I was going through a lot pertaining to men . I was lost, sad and hurt . I'm sure most writers get the most inspiration when they are feeling negative emotions and also, I'm new at this and life got busy fast! I should clarify that my boyfriend more than encourages me to do the things that I love, reading, writing, etc. It's just hard for me to write when everything is fine.

Recently I've been feeling inspired after reading "Everything I Know About Love" by Dolly Alderton where she recounts lessons she's learned from her twenties. This is the very reason why I love reading so much, It always gets me motivated to write. I've been reading a lot more lately, I recently got a promotion  and the role allows me to wear my headphones while I work, I choose to listen to audiobooks and I've listened to-two that have really stuck with me, which I will make a separate post about.

Me and my boyfriend have been officially together for two months. We met in May, on Hinge of all places. I wasn't expecting to fall in love and truly I was open to dating for a while before getting into a relationship. Especially because I experienced so many nightmare situations during my time within the dating pool. It felt like no one was truly looking to fall in love. I think our generation is just obsessed with the high of "chasing" someone. They expect women to be there when they put absolutely no effort in, they spew lies and we stay in hopes that something will change but it never does. I've learned that if a man wanted to he would. I was so over it and I had finally reached a point where I just wanted to go on dates for fun and not to peruse a romantic relationship. And then my now boyfriend ruined everything! He came in and swept me off my feet. Our first FaceTime was for about an hour and I'll be honest I wasn't invested because I've been through this many times in the past, a man would show interest in me, text me all day, call me on FaceTime and tell me that I'm the prettiest girl they have ever seen, that I'm smart, so funny and after we would have sex, they would forget about all those characteristics. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about. I am so happy I don't have to partake in that anymore. I noticed a difference in my boyfriend when we had our third  call, we called for eight hours straight and stayed up until 5AM. I showed him my biggest insecurity and he said " I still like you". Ever since then we have been inseparable. Our first date was magical and it makes me emotional to think back on. I hope we make it, I hope we buy a house, get married and have kids, I want to be travel buddies for life with him!  I would describe being in love as "Sparkly" I feel sparkly when I'm with him. It's like the feeling of when you pop a bottle of champagne and take the first sip, it tingles in all the right places, it's that feeling constantly.  I am floating and grounded all at the same time and he truly makes me want to be a better person. He is the one person-besides my best friend- that I feel I can be completely honest with and things will be okay. He listens to me and he anticipates my needs. Most importantly he is so patient with me. I've come to understand that I am not an easy person. I am all over the place, I am moody and I have a terrible attitude and my boyfriend doesn't expect me to change myself, he loves me as I am.

I think a lot of the time I'm ready to run away from things that are good for me. However, with the help of my therapist I've learned that to get the things that I want in life I need to make myself uncomfortable. If I want to fall in love, I have to actually allow someone to get to know me, and I don’t just mean the me that I show to everyone, I mean the me that lives in the darkest places of my mind, the version of myself I'm not the most proud of. Taking off the "mask" is a hard thing to do(just ask Stanley Ipkiss) It has been so rewarding to be vulnerable and allow someone to love me the way I deserve to be.

I also made myself uncomfortable within my career, I felt stuck for a while and this year I decided to take a leap and go for a role without asking anyone for help. I did two interviews in July, I thought to myself "I'll put myself out there and no matter the outcome, I did it for myself." I was under the impression that I didn’t get the role. Three weeks later I get a "Congratulations" and I was in shock. This has been a life changing year and I can only imagine what next year has in store for me, especially if I keep making myself uncomfortable.

[idontknowwhatiwantworld]

Friendship Break Ups

Write about a time you saw someone for the last time without knowing you would never see them again. Would you say something different if you could go back in time?

I've always been the type of person who likes to keep people around for a long time. If I meet a friend I want to be friends with that person forever, I guess you could say I cultivate long-lasting friendships intentionally. I love intimacy in all forms. I am not the type to have acquaintances; what the fuck even is an 'acquaintance'?

I lost my best friend due to miscommunication. I don't think I would say anything different if I could go back in time. I met her back in 2018 during training for a new job I had landed, my first 'big' girl job at a popular cellphone company. It was just a customer service job that consumed my life for 3 months. The calls wouldn't stop coming in, and you were just berated by customers for 8 hours a day. My ex best friend made this bearable for some time.

Her and I didn't get along when we first met. She seemed cold and was the bully of the class, an extremely opinionated person. She was the type of person that if she didn't like you, the whole class didn't like you. I used to dress up, wearing cute dresses and trying different hairstyles; I was raised by a racially white mother who didn't teach me how to do my hair. It wasn't done well, but I was putting in the effort.

One day we were all standing outside the elevator on our way to get lunch, and she said out loud, 'Why do you dress like a grandma?' She then sized me up from top to bottom and audibly gasped when she got to my legs, 'YOUR LEGS ARE SO PALE,' she said in such a tone that the other girl with us had to step in and tell her that she was being extremely rude. That comment has stuck with me to this day; I think about it once a day. My legs are very pale, but it was never something that bothered me or that I noticed. I told her that the only reason she was so focused on me was because she didn't put any effort into herself. She would dress like a man most of the time, so I never understood her issue. I would understand it more coming from someone who was always dressed to the nines. Another issues she had with me was my hair, she was always saying something shading about how mu edges weren't done or my parts weren't even. A lot of things she said to me has stuck with me and are the source of insecurities i have. i can say without a doubt that i was more confident before meeting her.

Our training lasted about 12 weeks. During the 6th week, they rearranged our seats so we could all get to know each other better. They sat us next to each other, and we started talking. Soon, I found out that she was nice and genuinely funny. One specific day comes to mind that still makes me laugh. We were doing what is called a call collaboration. This meant the trainer would play your call on the overhead speaker, and everyone in the class would give you feedback. On this day, it was my turn, and I was mortified. They handed out feedback forms, and while people were giving me feedback, I wrote on mine in all capitalized letters, 'I SUCK.' She saw it, and we both couldn't stop cracking up. After that, we hung out pretty much every other weekend. I would drive 45 minutes to hang out with her since, at the time, she had her own house.

Over the time we spent hanging out, I noticed that she was an insecure person who has never been loved unconditionally. I don't say this to be mean; it's just the truth. She was always talking down on someone. She would also share people's secrets with me, which made me feel uncomfortable. She would also pick and choose what friend she was going to cut off next, just to be friends with them again the following week.

At this point, we'd been friends for about a year and a half. I was trying to make an effort with her and wasn't getting the same in return. The last straw was when I invited her to my birthday dinner, and she said she would come but then didn't talk to me at all that day, not even to say happy birthday. The next day, I got a half-ass apology and a belated happy birthday text. Not even a phone call. It hurt my feelings because I always showed up for her no matter what. I ended up just deleting her number and not speaking to her for 2 years.

It was 2022, and I had just moved back into my mom's apartment. I was lying in bed reading a book when I got a text from an unknown number. It was her! I was overjoyed to hear from her again because I had been talking about her to my friends, telling them how much I missed her. I wanted to reach out but didn't have her number. The year before, I even went as far as leaving a comment under her YouTube video, just wishing her the best. So I welcomed this text and her back into my life. That night, we talked for a few hours and made plans to see each other again. Our first hangout together, she brought one of her close friends, and the three of us had such a great time. It felt like we had never stopped talking.

We were friends again for a good year and a half. She was someone I saw in my life forever. I thought we'd raise our kids together and be at each other's weddings. Unfortunately, the universe had other plans.

I was always there for this person. I would allow her to stay the night if she was having boy issues and let her cry on my shoulder when she wasn't feeling well. I even let her stay with me for a week when she was moving into her new apartment. One night, her depression got so bad that she had a dreadlock the size of a kitten in her hair. I untangled it for her, which took hours. I showed up to every event or birthday that I could. I was a good friend to her. Did I have bad traits? Of course, we all do. I never expect a friend to be perfect. But I do expect communication and effort. In the three years we were friends, she didn't show up to not one birthday. For Christmas every year, I would get her the things she wanted. She regifted me something that I never even mentioned wanting. I don't want you to think it was about the gift, again its about the effort. the gift could've been a handwritten note and i would've been grateful.

We were seeing a lot of each other, and I didn't like that we couldn't just hang out for a few hours; we would have to sleep over or spend the whole day together, and if I didn't want to, she would start shading me. I told her I just needed a few days to recharge, and then she started acting weird, so I brought that to her attention. She said everything was fine. That was seven months ago. I think the last time we talked, I sent her an audio, and it was evident I wasn’t doing well mentally. In her typical fashion, I never heard back from her.

As I reflect on it now, I could've reached out to her and asked her to have a conversation, but I did bring it up once. It is not up to me to show a 27-year-old woman how to communicate. Overall, I noticed that I didn't want to be friends with her; I was just upset that she beat me to it! How could she not want to be friends with me? I thought, I did so much for her, and whenever I needed her in the slightest, she wasn't there. She was not a good friend. I had to grieve the friendship; I went through all stages, and I've finally been able to accept it. Sometimes people come into your life for a short period. I'm learning to get used to that. Even though she was not a good friend to me, she is a good person deep down, and she showed me a lot of what it means to be a black woman. I will always have love for her, and I just hope she gets to a place where self-sabotage isn't what she turns to when she's feeling insecure within a relationship. I wouldn’t change the way we ended things or what I said because I don't think there was anything left to be said. I truly wish her well in everything.

Friendship breakups can be incredibly tough, and it's understandable to find them difficult to move on from. Missing the shared history and connection with someone can often be more painful than missing the person themselves. It's important to recognize and honor what you deserve within relationships, including friendships, and sometimes that means acknowledging when you've reached your limit. It's okay to prioritize your well-being and set boundaries, even if it means taking a step back from certain friendships. While you may not completely close the door on the possibility of reconnecting in the future, it's important to prioritize your own emotional health and surround yourself with those who genuinely support you through thick and thin.

Photo link: https://stock.adobe.com/464623886?sdid=XT3PGZJB&mv=social&mv2=paidsoc&as_channel=social_ads&as_campclass=nonbrand&as_campaign=WMAdobe_Stock_PRO_Web_NA_SeasonalMomentsBuyer_Buy_Stock_Shopping11-13_24.APF.STK.4_Social_P2KM2D3&as_source=Pinterest&as_camptype=acquisition&as_audience=core&pp=0&epik=dj0yJnU9c1VwdHhJVy14UzFDdmpZQVp2VHpRWXI5cDNBQ1A1VkImcD0xJm49NGdTN0hPT1BBR25fWlBzekpXbm8zZyZ0PUFBQUFBR1pBS1pR

[idontknowwhatiwantworld]

Can There Be Both Destiny and Free Will? If Not, Which Do You Believe to Be True?

 

  This question has me stumped! I've been coming back to it every other day to try to answer it. I've decided to just write and see where it takes me. This is a tricky topic because I don't think there is a yes or no answer for me, which is exciting. There's so much to discuss.

  Destiny is defined as 'the events that will necessarily happen to a particular person or thing in the future' or 'the hidden power believed to control what will happen in the future; fate.' If those are the two definitions I get to choose from, I'd say I believe in the first one. I believe that humans need something to believe in, whether it's religion, astrology, family values, etc. It gives life a purpose and makes you want to do good things. Also, 'to a particular person or thing' makes me think about predator vs prey; some things just aren't meant to live very long. Predators need to hunt, and the prey are destined to be hunted. What I don't believe is that destiny is always to blame for why things happen; actions have consequences, and I don't think it was my destiny to end up in corporate banking or to end up in shitty relationships in the past. I have the free will to change those things in my life.

  Free will is defined as 'the power of acting without the constraint of necessity or fate; the ability to act at one's own discretion. I get extremely overwhelmed by free will; I believe in it more than I believe in destiny. The reason I find it so overwhelming is because for the past few years I have not acted on it. Truly if I wanted to today I could quit my job and move to another country. Would it be hard? Of course but it is possible, I could buy a one way ticket to anywhere in the world. I don’t need to work a 9-5, that’s what I choose to do with my free will because I love comfortability and consistency. I use to give myself the grace to dream and dream BIG. That has diminished over the years, but I know I will get it back at some point.

  I use to act on my free will more often when i was younger. I am fortunate enough to lead a privileged life in most aspects. I was born into a family that would be defined as poor; my mother lived off the government due to mental health issues. Despite this, my mom still did her best to give us a childhood that I'd say was good. Of course, my mom did things that had a lasting effect on me, but I don't think it was ever intentional; she loved us. We moved from apartment to apartment as we were dependent on section 8 for housing. I've probably lived in six different apartment complexes and went to seven different schools; my childhood lacked consistency (which is why consistency is so important to me now). Sometimes we'd have food, and sometimes we'd have to wait a week for the food stamps to come in before we could eat a proper meal. However, I always went to bed with food in my stomach, laid my head down on a pillow, under a roof. My mom always figured it out.

 One thing that triggered me from living with my mother was the state of our apartments. They were always messy; I'd say my mom had a slight hoarding issue. There was always just stuff all around, always trash everywhere. In order to take a shower, I'd have to climb over what felt like a mountain of clothes on the floor or step on razors, old shampoo bottles, dried up soap before I was able to reach the shower knob. My mother was always home, and she didn't have many friends. The ones she did have were not great. We also didn't have a car, it was hard to get around, we always had to depend on someone.

  I love my mother, but I did not want to end up like her. She wasn't my role model. I wanted a clean space, I wanted a job, and I wanted a car. So I made the choice to work. From the age of 16, I got my first job serving chicken. It was life-changing to finally have money. I got my driver's license and soon after got my first car. I graduated from high school, which was something I didn't think I was able to do. I worked two jobs and was able to move out by 20. Somehow, I ended up in banking and worked my way up. I make more money than my mom would know what to do with. That doesn't mean I don't still struggle I do, but that’s the beauty of free will, I can do anything that I want. I made the decision with my free will to do better. I knew I didn't want to live a life like the one I lived growing up. I wanted to be able to order pizza any day of the week!

  Now, I understand that some people are born into a life that doesn't give them these opportunities. I know there are deep traumas that lead you down a dark path. I am not blind to that. That's why I find this question so hard to answer. That is why I believe in destiny, every deserves a chance to hope for more or hope that there is more to life. My human experience is not the same as yours and it never will be. I do know that we make choices throughout our lives, and we have the power to make those choices because of our free will. I also believe some people are destined to be life's prey. Apologies if this post seems all over the place. I just always have a lot to say!

Photo Link: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/1070941986372239789/

[idontknowwhatiwantworld]

Why do I choose unavailable men as a distraction from my problems? what are the problems?

I know I chose men to run from my problems because I never got validation from my dad. Your dad is supposed to-I don’t even know what a dad is supposed to teach you but I'd assume I should see him as an example of how a man should treat a woman. unfortunately, even to this day, he doesn’t know how to treat a woman. I’ve never had a man tell/show me what I should expect or how I should be courted. for a long time(by a long time i mean up until last month) I thought that a man taking you on a date meant that he liked you. To no one’s surprise, I’ve been extremely humbled.

My dad is a 6’2, 300lb Dominican man, that thinks he’s done no wrong in life. He’s very quiet, shy but he is also very polite. My mom to this day says that he never gets mad but when he does, it's like the devil himself would came out.

I am just like my dad, in personality and in looks. I don’t like hearing that we share negative characteristics. My sister likes to say that I'm just like my dad whenever I'm in a mood or upset, I get extremely quiet and don't want to talk to anyone. I'm also always consumed by my thoughts to care about what anyone else is talking about especially if it's not interesting. and I have a terrible attitude if provoked.

My dad isn’t a man of many words, him and I both aren’t especially around people we feel suffocated by. My dad will talk his friend's ear off and I will also talk my friend's ear off. We pick and choose who gets to see the real us. I didn’t mean to make this post about my dad but 'Daddy Issues' is my middle name, it should be tattooed on my forehead! The problem I think I'm running from that is I don't think I'm enough for anyone, because clearly the first man in my life didn’t think i was enough for him to stay. I don’t think I'll ever be enough to make someone happy, so i continue to search for the unattainable, unavailable man. I hope that with therapy I can have a breakthrough! I know that my value does not lie within men. Most of them are extremely boring and simple. I am always the light, I fall for them because they fall for me. I am what makes them interesting.

Photo link- https://imageio.forbes.com/specials-images/imageserve/5fce70c1cf9e3c9a6edc4c2a/Woman-pulling-vibrant-red-rope-from-tangle/960x0.jpg?height=474&width=711&fit=bounds

[idontknowwhatiwantworld]

I'm Always the Secret

Four. That is the number of men who have made it clear they want to keep me a secret.

Typically when a man wants to keep you a secret it means three things, you're not a real person to him, you're a fetish that he is embarrassed about, or he's in a relationship(s).

  I think by now we know that men don't see women they aren't interested in emotionally as humans, you are an object to tame that sexual desire. It is no secret that I've slept with a lot of men with that comes a pattern that I started to notice. It starts with a first date, out in public, they treat you great and pay for dinner. You end up sleeping together and things begin to fade before it even starts. UNTIL they want more sex from you, that's when they start asking you how your day went, they start texting you every day, making you feel like a princess, and suddenly they want to make plans, you may get a "I want to see you soon" "been thinking about you" You might be under the impression that he's finally coming around! He's making an effort, he had a dream about you and realized that you are what he's been looking for his whole life. So, you agree to this date, and you allow him to plan something great… something great ends up being his living room. See this man can't be seen with you in public because you're not girlfriend material, you are again an object to his sexual desires that he is embarrassed by.

  I feel like I can speak on this because I am constantly fetishized by men. I am a fat, mixed race woman, with an ass that can't quit and huge "DSLs" as men like to remind me. To be told, you are beautiful, you are smart, you are, you are, but somehow you are NOT enough!  all of this is not enough is get me an invitation to meet the parents. This is an extremely dehumanizing feeling. I know I may sound like a man-hater but I don't think that’s the case, I wouldn't put myself in these situations if I did. I just wish they would communicate what they want from the start! And if they see that I'm acting against that, leave me alone. At least that’s what I would do if I was a man. The older i get the more I realize that "if he wanted to he would" is detrimental. I can't continue to waste my time. No one is ever "Too busy" i make time for people that i like and need to demand the same from people that I'm interested in.

 I made a promise to write unfiltered so that's what I'm doing, I had an affair with a married man for a year and a half. I just recently ended it, it is something I am not proud of, there is no excuse for it. He was 37, I was 23 when we started the affair, we met at work when i was 20 and he was 34. He was technically the second person I had ever had sex with and I think I bonded with him in a way, I was freshly out of the psych ward and needed to feel loved. I was desperate and he had a way with words. A few months ago we were hanging out and he said something that reminded me that I was a secret, he said " I have a type, if you're not black or Latina, I'm not sleeping with you" I responded, "Your wife is white" and he said " yeah, she's an exception." that made me take a huge step back, I am a dream girl in the deepest parts of your mind, you're only sleeping with me because of those characteristics, you listed. I remember just being silent the rest of the way home, I was the ULTIMATE secret, a shameful one. I guarantee you his wife has no idea what his actual type of woman is. That night I decided I never wanted to sleep with him again. All of this to say, you shouldn't be a secret if you don't want to be. I'm learning that every day. I am trying to be patient with life and understand that romantic love comes and  it goes. Platonic, familial love and self-love are always there, I'll always have those. 

 Photo link: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/406238828899823314/

[stuckinapril]

I don’t care about it at all (I have carried its weight around like a rock on my chest since the very day it happened)

[idontknowwhatiwantworld]

This is a photo of books I've read so far in April!

I enjoyed each book thoroughly!

I often think that I'm not an "actual" reader since I'm not constantly reading classic novels but then i think of all the women that came before me that weren't allowed the privilege of learning to read or the privilege of enjoying different genres! I'll continue reading whatever I want <3

This Will Be My Undoing by Morgan Jerkins - 4.5 stars

Beach Read - 5 Stars

Ninth House - 4.5 Stars

I'm thrilled that I'm enjoying everything that I'm reading !!!

Love always

[bebs-art-gallery]

The Lovers by Andu Artist

[idontknowwhatiwantworld]

A Complicated Relationship With Love and Sex

Photo link : https://www.pinterest.com/pin/563018696883387/

The year is 2024, it’s a Friday afternoon, maybe around 3 pm and you’ve been hyper-focused on work, you finally decide to check your notifications - I should mention you’ve switched your phone to do not disturb so that you can stay focused. You swipe up and to your dismay, you’ve only received 100 emails from businesses attempting to persuade you into buying whatever it is that they are marketing. There is a pit in your stomach, why hasn't he texted you? if he busy? Is he with someone else? Is he no longer interested? The pit in your stomach becomes an abyss and now you are spiraling in endless thoughts of what this means about you. A week ago you decided to give this man a chance and you ended up sleeping with him on the first date (Again, it's 2024, and you are in a progressive era (so you think)) You believe that your dating app profile makes it clear that you are not interested in meaningless hookups so you, silly little woman are under the impression that since you had sex with this man, it means that you both felt a connection to pursue a romantic relationship in the future. I am writing this to bring myself down to reality, I want to be able to have sex and not get attached to the person.

   Love is a convoluted thing, it's what everyone is seeking - even when we say we're not. Love is good for us, it’s in my opinion why most of the time we attempt to do good things; however, I am not blind to the fact that love like everything else can also become bad or unhealthy.

 I probably shouldn’t speak generally because I understand that everyone experiences it differently, keep in mind this is coming from a hopeless romantic who reads into things constantly. I follow the belief that love makes the world go round, I love love. I am always ready to fall into it. The reason behind that is that I have never experienced it. I have never been chosen.  

 As a 25-year-old woman, I have only had sexual encounters that would fall under the category of the infamous term "situationship" This term, in my head translates to, "you are good enough for sex and conversation but not good enough for an intimate romantic relationship" I know that I am just in love with love because even though those men have been for lack of a better word subpar (TO ME) if any of those men would've asked me to be in a relationship with them I would've said yes.

 It's extremely depressing to constantly be sexualized, we live in a male-dominated society so I can't be surprised that this has been my experience, especially as an Afro-Latina who developed a body at a young age. I continue to entertain these "situationships" because I want love so badly that any form of it- even if that person loves having sex with me-will suffice.

 I find myself putting these men on a pedestal, once the relationship(I'm calling it that because that’s what it is at the end of the day) comes to an end, I realize that they were just human beings, just like me. My brain turned them into a god-like being that can do no wrong. Even when they say something that I consider a red flag, I stay and often use the fact that we aren't in a "real relationship" to excuse the behavior.

 Growing up I was never the first choice, always too fat, bald, or too ugly. During recess, when the coach would make the team captain choose who they wanted on their team, I was always chosen last. I'm getting emotional, I don't think I've fully processed things from my childhood, I hide behind a mask of positivity, which is not a bad thing but it's not reality, it's okay to be vulnerable and be hurt, I always want to move on, never process because I believe it waste time, especially since that person couldn’t care less about me so why should I be sad or upset about them? But eventually, it all starts to make me feel sick, I get in a funk and feel like I can’t do anything but stay in bed- BECAUSE HOLY FUCK, WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN?!

I don't know what it is I want from my intimate counterparts. I know I'm seeking love, I want someone who loves all of my flaws, who genuinely cares about me, wants to share the same core values, someone who is intelligent, and who takes the lead, I want dates planned out, I want someone to say "hey, I saw this and thought about you and just had to grab it!", I want "just because" flowers, I would love to slow dance in the living room, get super drunk and cry about how happy we both are until the sun rises and we fall into a deep sleep while holding each other. If that’s what I want, why when someone's actions prove that they do not want to pursue an actual romantic relationship with me do I stay? If it makes me so depressed and makes me feel sick, why do I keep coming back? It's because I correlate sex with love. If I just give him more pussy eventually he will fall in love and treat me the way that I deserve! This happens because when I'm having sex with someone, I'm only having sex with that one person, I get comfortable, I'm not the type that can have multiple sex partners.

  Sex as defined in the Oxford dictionary is sexual activity, including specifically sexual intercourse. Sex is not love, it is an act. Having sex for some is biological, to me it's intimate, I truly don't have sex with people that I don't have a connection with. I have to like something about you. I just don't understand how sex doesn't always lead to love, it's an exchange of energy. I understand it more when it’s a one-night stand and we never speak again, no kissing is involved, nothing but private parts touching. I have never had sex like that and have no interest in it because I love passionate, deep sex, I cannot do casual sex like that, it doesn’t please me in the slightest, the people I have sex with always come back for more and because I am delusional and believe that that means they like something about me and not just my body I allow them to come back! I always think it's going to lead to them being obsessed with me and they end up falling head over heels. It makes sense in my brain because if sex is just an act, why does our brain release oxytocin during the act?? That's the love hormone! We live in a time where sex is so easily attainable, I know I make it easy for a man to have sex with me but I know they are not stupid, they act like they are to manipulate, and they know when someone is feeling them more than they are feeling said person, so why don't they leave? Why don't they just put you out of your misery? I'm so tired of looking for love in a superficial/hypersexual world.

Always love

[idontknowwhatiwantworld]

Welcome to my digital diary, I Don't Know What I Want!

I live in Florida, I am a queer, Afro-Latina woman, working in corporate America and living with Bipolar II disorder (unmedicated). I have many thoughts and need a place to put them. I enjoy writing and it always makes me feel better, I'm not great at it but I'm actively trying to get better!

My goal is to write unfiltered, I'm interested in writing essays down the line but not quite there yet. This will mostly be a place for ramblings about life as a plus sized woman in her mid-twenties trying to navigate the world the best way i know how, i will also share thoughts on things that i enjoy (books, movies and music)

I am in therapy so i will share and update about my sessions every Thursday to help me with progress.

I want to make it clear that this is a safe space for anyone! I am extremely passionate about women's rights, i believe that black lives matter, and that all LGBTQ+ lives and voices are important.

I don't want to be ignorant but there might be a time where something i post can be deemed that way and i have no qualms with being called out/corrected, i just ask that it is done in a way that isn't condescending.

All love always❤️