I feel like I owe it to myself and also Tumblr in general to write about what happened with Q.
We dated twice. Once in 2015, and another time in 2016. We took a 6 months break in between.
It didn’t work out.
It took us another 2 years after that to reconnect with each other through text messages.
It took us 1 year for things to get less weird between us over text messages.
In the last 3 years, I have embarked on a wonderful wonderful 2 year relationship with a new man. A man, who I love more and more each day.
He has recently started a relationship with another girl. We even talked about his struggles, challenges and insecurities with her.
I always thought I would get jealous or feel upset when this day (of falling in love with another) comes. But I wasn’t. Not in the least bit.
Because being in this current relationship has taught me so much about love. That it is not that feeling beating in your chest or butterflies in your stomach. It is so much more - both consciously and subconsciously. It is about you + him against the problem. Not you against him. It’s about give and take. Knowing when to give, and when to take. There is so much more to learn about love and relationships, and I know that this is the man I want to do it with. I want to experience life with him.
I am happy for Q. Not an elated type of excitement, but a peaceful, smiling from the back of the room type of happy. I am mostly happy that he will get to learn and experience similar things that I have been. And that he will always (or at least for a long time) have his own person to lean on and do this tough thing called life with.
It has taken so long to get to this point in my life. For some reason, I keep looking back at old writings to get a sensing of how sad I was, how damaged I had been. I reckon it’s mainly to acknowledge to myself that I did well and that while it was a long process, I finally did it!
I moved on and am in such a better place.
This whole thing was so painful though. I no longer yearn for closure, and I do want to stop talking/thinking about what used to be me and QZ.
For the first time, I actually 100% think it’s possible.
He will always be a part of me, no doubt. And I do want to perhaps, see him, and hear him acknowledge that we could have been beautiful if not for him.
But, there have been so many happy things in my life that have happened without him, and are not as a result of him. They are independent of him, which proves to 2015-2016 me that I can be happy without him.
I am now happy, peaceful and contented.
Here’s to 2019 and beyond.
I love myself. And my current man hehe.
