When I was a little kid, I was really determined to prove to everyone I was crazy. I don't quite remember how I reached this conclusion, but I thought that's how you made friends. The more of a lunatic you were, the cooler you were. Austin Powers was real weird and everyone seemed to want to hang out with him in that movie. Everyone was Michael Myers friend.
At least, that's how ten year old Patrick viewed it. To that end, I'd do random shit in a vain attempt to get people to like me. I read a lot of books, so I'd work it in to my whole "act".
One minute I'd be sitting quietly, engrossed in a book. The next WHIPICICUHPOW WHAT OH SHIT JUST THREW THE BOOK INTO THE GARBAGE YOU PEOPLE CAN'T EVEN HANDLE THIS SHIT WHO WANTS TO HANG OUT AT MY HOUSE WE CAN TOTALLY PLAY STAR FOX AND DO SOMETHING RAD
Oddly enough, people didn't respond to it the way I thought they would. Instead flocking to me, desperate to come over sometime, they just looked confused or annoyed and said something along the lines of "okay..." or "you're an idiot".
Which isn't wrong. That is not the kid you play star fox with.
Now I'm 19. I don't throw books in the garbage, but that weird little kid with poor impulse control grew into a great big weirdo adult. I'm maybe a little too into laughing at people wearing fedoras, I'm a bit too excited about any movie involving Charles Bronson, and I should totally stop saying things like "1/8 of all French citizens are frogs. The Mad King Louis issued the "Green Edict" in the 18th century just prior to the French Revolution. Louis viewed it as a kind of penance to all frogkin. The Third Estate viewed it as a maniac's whim. The frogs would break the camel's back, and thus the (first) French Revolution began. Look it up."
The point is I'm not all that different from when I was a kid, maybe putting up that dumb facade for years warped my thinking. Maybe it wasn't a facade at all, and I was just a fucked up kid.
Ah dunno. I know I've grown beyond that though, the need to be accepted and liked, having to do shit because I think it's "what you do if you want friends". I don't want to say I've adopted a policy of "I'm great and fuck you if you don't like me", you'd have to be a sociopath to just ignore every other person's feelings and exist within that kind of bubble. But it definitely phases me less when someone says something shitty. I can take things in stride and not break down when something unplanned happens.
There's probably something pretty fucked with my head, but I'm okay with that. I'll figure out exactly what it is one day and work through it, but for now it's okay.
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