#journal?

[all-hail-the-corn]

[sag-dab-sar]

A wheelchair is not giving up. A wheelchair is not giving up. A wheelchair is not giving up.

Its allowed to be apart of my treatment plan, not a place holder until they "figure it out." Its okay to have my wheelchair be the SOLUTION. In the same way my inhaler is a solution to asthma or my pills are a solution to tachycardia . There is no goal to stop taking my pills or inhaler because they are the SOLUTION to those problems. Its okay if I DON'T want to try injections, medications, or any other procedures to "fix" the problem— especially since bad side effects are extremely common for me. Its also okay if I DO what to try them. If it goes away and I can walk again, fantastic! But that is not what I'm aiming for, I am aiming for less pain, which the wheelchair provides. The wheelchair does its job— and frankly I'd rather have it as my treatment over some other options.

Yes, its fucking hard to get around alone; this world isn't built for me. I'd have to figure out train and subway navigation in a wheelchair if I magically get a job in the big city near me. Yes I have to always think of accommodations like access to buildings, event accommodations, parking spots, getting wheelchair in and out of the car (especially if I get a license)...etc etc etc. But thats so much better than being in pain.

I refuse to "tough it out" , I refuse 'getting out of the wheelchair' as a medical goal. If it IS a goal then its at the bottom of the list. It doesn't matter if I have a specific named diagnosis that I can say why I'm in my wheelchair. Its no ones fucking business why I am. No one except my doctors are entitled to know why I use my wheelchair or why I use my cane.

No longer using a cane is a goal because why I need it is potentially a severe problem and the cane works more as an interim useful safety tool not apart of a "treatment plan," because it doesn't necessarily relieve the primary symptoms. I'm still in pain and having symptoms, it just prevents me from falling flat on my face. But even then, if we come up with a mixed treatment plan and the cane IS apart of that treatment plan: then so be it.

I refuse the idea that treatment needs to focus on ridding yourself of mobility aids

I refuse to be ashamed of my wheelchair. I refuse to be ashamed of my cane.

[victoriaa-sanchez]

How did someone forget their own birthday? Like really July 29th flew over her head this year. There were other July birthdays in the Sanchez families, the nieces and nephews, even her brother Bruno had one that month a year or two earlier than hers. There had been so many things happening, trips, work events, friends and focused on other things. She had been wishing lately for someone to convince her to stop her wandering. To feel important and have someone to debate with or just feel some sort of passion. It has been a while since she felt that emotion. It had almost happened but they both had stopped communicating. Mutual ghosting?

Was there anyone out there who could bring her a spark?

Who knows.

[lonelinessisadisease]

not being able to perform a task you can usually perform because someone has decided to minorly change the rules or parameters and then being told you’re lazy because you could previously do the task with little difficulty and then having a meltdown when people tell you to get over it because it isn’t a big deal is a common sign of being me

[fineappleale]

Today i think ill just lie in bed for another 13 hours, thinking about people, feelings, sex, and how much i want oreos.

[somethingvery-me-blog]

Motivation sucks

I keep waiting for it to kick in but it just doesn't. Waiting just gives me anxiety and makes me all weird and jittery. Yet I can't pick up a book cuz I just keep finding reasons not to

I will just get started on the productivity thing I have seen on tumblr

If I manage to do something productive, I'll write it here. Its kinda therapeutic. Like, writing shit down and throwing it out into the void, yet in a place where I can still access it if I want. Also, my mom almost always ends up reading my diary so that option is out.

[sweetasacoyote]

Oof! I didn't realize how much the med I was taking affected my whole body (positively!). My whole shits flared, my stomach cramping more, my osteoarthritis, my fibro, my leg nerve damage.. It feels like if I stand up straight, that I'm stretching my legs too far and they cramp horribly, I keep waking up with Charlie horses ;_; (I never used to have them!) But I guess it's good to establish a baseline, see how I'm feeling without meds. (hint: awful)