[grayskymorning]

Wholesome Culture

[ifyouhaventgotthetime]

I don’t know how to capture this emotion I’m feeling. But I’m exhausted. I’ve always been a Big Girl. And now I’m not, now I’m standard size and have an outrageously low percentage of body fat. I’m literally the thinnest I’ll ever be. I eat under 800 calories a day, I run 5k three times a week and work out my abs, arms, and glutes the other four days. I eat a plant based vegan diet when I actually do deign myself to eat. And it’s not sustainable. No one can live like this for their entire life. Even with perfect self control (and I like to think of myself as having quite good control over myself), it’s not physically sustainable. The body will give out without fat to insulate it and protect itself. There will come a point where my body refuses to run another mile because there is nothing left to fuel it. It will attack my muscles, my organs, my bones just for some sort of fuel. I will lose my hair from lack of vitamins and proteins. I will disintegrate and it won’t be noticeable because my shoulders are still huge and my hips are still wide and I still have a double chin. I may crumble into nothingness. It may have already started.

And I have never been treated better. People have never found me more beautiful, people have never been more patient and kind with my pain and trauma. I’ve never been flirted with at the shop before this. My mother is proud of me in that limited, conditional way she’s known for. And it’s still not enough. I’m still not ‘beautiful’ in the way those naturally thin girls with their big eyes and perfect skin are. My photo would never be screen shotted off social media and shared in a group chat with the caption “Wow look at how pretty!” My body will sooner be dust than that kind of girl. I will never be beautiful enough to feel like my mother’s love isn’t conditional. I will never be thin enough to please her. I will never be thin enough to please myself, to please whatever eternally-fungible standards of beauty and sexuality and femininity are ‘in’ and ‘sexy’ and I’m so fucking SICK of it.

Don’t give me a body, don’t look at me.

[mycozyaesthetics]

Oh, to live in a house like this with no neighbors. Only wild birds and deer and the smell of flowers & a fresh baked pie 🌿

[quiet-nymph]

Bei Na Wei, Visual Storyteller

[moonlightmagazineblg]

Spring vibes 🌱

[tarotchariot]

Affirm:

I’m allowed to thrive.

[ifyouhaventgotthetime]

calling up my therapist for coaching like “hi thresea how do i radically accept that i have nothing to offer the world”

[ifyouhaventgotthetime]

being ugly has humbled me, attractive ppl are always insufferable and boring at least im ugly and mentally ill which means i have a personality (insanity)

[ifyouhaventgotthetime]

i was made to cook and clean and take care of children and make clothes and muck pens and sing and paint and chop wood. i simply cannot handle the idea of car repairs and emissions tests and healthcare.

[ifyouhaventgotthetime]

genuinely trying my hardest but if the bad in life far outweighs the good, then what’s the point? Like literally what’s the point. Slave away at a min wage job to barely cover rent with three roommates and have a 401k that grows 20 cents every year?? That’s what we’re living for??? The fuck???

[ifyouhaventgotthetime]

What if there is no trauma what if im just fucking like this

[piavalesca]

WUNDERBAR UNVERPACKT 

beautiful package- and waste-free grocery store in braunschweig. fresh, local, organic, fair trade produce, delicatessen and spa essentials <3

[ifyouhaventgotthetime]

Haven’t used the blog in forever, but man is tonight hard.

Hate my body. Hate how people treat you if your body isn’t perfect. Hate how I’m treated a thousand times better now than when I was 25lbs heavier. Hate how I know that people would treat me even better (and find me actually attractive) if I was about 50lbs lighter. So much of my self doubt and feeling unlovable stems from my body... no matter how healthy I eat and how often I work out, it’s like I’m stuck here. I’m stuck in this place where people treat me and my body negatively-to-neutrally and I HATE it. I hate that ‘thicc’ has come to mean you’ve got a perky ass and tits a foot out and a 12inch waist. I hate that being 5’8 and 175lbs with broad shoulders, and scars, and no tits means I will never, never be attractive to anyone, ever. I hate it.

[jscuttish]

[thepurepurveyorfarms-blog]

The chesnut house used to be an old store front way back when. It’s now used for storage and whimsy. 

[afternoon-sunlight]

Somerset, England

[ifyouhaventgotthetime]

Men be like “im a multifaceted, intelligent, mature individual. I am so smart and transcended. If you dont have breasts I will no longer find you attractive. I’m deep like that”