THE MENU ( 2022 ) * sentence starters.
“please don’t smoke, it’ll kill your palete.”
“(name), tonight is huge.”
“when you smoke, you ruin your ability…”
“is that gonna fit everyone?”
“you’re fucking kidding, right?”
“what, are we eating a rolex?”
“come on, let’s not ruin this by talking price, yeah?”
“just go with the flow, let it be magical.”
“you deserve this, baby.”
“you know who’s gonna love this? (name)!”
“fuck. we’re dicks, huh?”
“great. a power tasting.”
“they’ll be wasted by the amuse.”
“look at you on a gangplank in heels.”
”okay, well, it’s official.”
”tonight will be madness.”
”please make yourselves comfortable…”
“and avast, me hearties!”
“let’s hope she’s seaworthy, eh?”
“boat jokes… we’re on a boat.”
“hey, we got a famous person on board, huh?”
“hey, aren’t you supposed to be running interference for me?”
“make sure people don’t bother me, then?
“god, we both know you were not bothered.”
“i saw all his movies when i was a kid.”
“apparently, he’s a big foodie.”
“it’s one of his classics.”
“the lemon pearls are made with alginate.”
“it’s actually fucking laughably good.”
“think i prefer just the oyster, though.”
“please don’t say ‘mouthfeel’.”
“jesus, this is like prom.”
“yeah? i never went to prom.”
“‘cause none of the cool girls like you said, ‘yes’.”
“well, fuck those bitches.”
“it’s a pleasure to have you.”
“what about the paparazzi?”
“paparazzi? we’re on an island.
“we’ll endeavor to make your evening as pleasant as possible.”
“that was really awkward, i’m so sorry.”
“we’ll just go straight to the restaurant, if you don’t mind.”
“we’ve seen the tour many, many times.”
“thank you. please follow me.”
“so, like, what are you working on now?”
“aw, hey, thanks for asking.”
“see, people still know me.”
“we have the bounty of the sea surrounding us.”
“out there, right now, we are harvesting scallops. you’ll eat them tonight.”
“hey, harvest harder, me dude!”
“yeah, i’m a huge embarrassing foodie.”
“and i’m close, personal friends with the chef.”
“dude, i read about one of these online.”
“but please, do not touch our proteins. they’re immature.”
“so, what happens if you serve it on the 153rd day?
“does all hell break loose, or…”
“well, i suppose the bacteria would introduce itself… to the consumer’s bloodstream and spread into their spinal membranes… after which point, he or she would become incapacitated… and shortly thereafter expire.”
“so, yes, all hell would break loose.”
“i’d like to work for her.”
“you actually live here?”
“dinner is typically four hours and twenty five minutes.”
“it’s best that we all live here.”
“there is food at the end of this, right?”
“isn’t the GOAT the greatest of all time, though?”
“just… you should have the better view.”
“well, i don’t need a better view.”
“well, the attention to detail, it’s like, fuck!”
“yeah, i noticed you didn’t ask his name.”
“this ongoing obsession with snow.”
“it’s officially a plague, and no one is immune.”
“i want to hear your pitch for the show…”
“come on. i’m trying to do a goodbye toast. can you please just let me do that?”
“i told you this two weeks ago.”
“we’re doing this? the ‘talking about our lives’ thing?”
“me and (name) aren’t good. it’s not good.”
“we’re pathetic, aren’t we?”
“so it’s okay… that i’m not as into this as you are?”
“i’m sitting with the coolest girl here.”
“they play with the raw materials of life itself. and death itself.”
“that was beautifully put, (name).”
“i think i’m starting to get it.”
“i have to beg of you one thing.”
“and look around you. here we are on this island. accept. accept all of it. and forgive.”
“we, the people on the island, are not important.”
“what happens inside this room is meaningless…”
“it’s just that i find it all very moving. it’s all so beautiful.”
“i’m pretty sure he doesn’t even know about your existence.”
“relax. just eat your rock.”
“oh, my god. for crying out loud. it’s not brain surgery, okay?”
“okay, so we go to italy, right?”
“i eat the cheese, and then…”
“whatever. at least we can say we’ve been here, right?”
“my dad used to say that you buy the experience.”
“i mean, this looks like… a suburban landscaping.”
“is he gonna keep doing that?”
“bread has existed in some form for over 12,000 years… especially amongst the poor.”
“ancient greek peasants dipped their stale, measly bread in wine for breakfast.”
“and how did jesus teach us to pray if not to beg for our daily bread?”
“are you fuckin’ serious?”
“he’s basically insulting you.”
“i know what a concept is, (name).”
“call me the girl next door… but maybe there are some rules that you should give a fuck about…”
“this is all very clever, and i didn’t want to pull this card… but you know who we are, right?”
“you will eat less than you desire and more than you deserve.”
“that is not what i meant, and you know it.”
“i am perfectly capable of deciding when i eat and what.”
“you shouldn’t be so fucking rude.”
“where do we know her from?”
“ so, let me tell you a memory of mine.”
“i finally had to stab him in the thigh with kitchen scissors.”
“we’re not so smart when we’re young.”
“no, the pictures. they’re all of us.”
“what the hell are these?”
“yeah, a fucking taco that might hold up in court.”
“stop talking and let me think, okay?”
“did you just fucking snap at me?”
“you do not send shit back to this kitchen, you child.”
“what did you just call me?”
“i called you a child… because you’re fucking acting like it.”
“(name), you need to apologise to me right now. you cannot speak to me that way.”
“actually, i can because, ding dong, i’m the one who’s paying.”
“what’s behind that silver door?”
“you shouldn’t be in here.”
“i’ll ask again. who are you?”
“i’m (first name) (last name).”
“so, where are you from, (name)?”
“you want the address for mom’s trailer park, you asshole?”
“no, it’s not who you want me to think you are.”
“you shouldn’t be here tonight.”
“please get the fuck out of my way.”
“he aspires to greatness, but he’ll never achieve it.”
“there is no way to avoid the mess.”
“the mess you make of your life… of your body… of your sanity… by giving everything you have to pleasing people you will never know. ”
“that was a shock. i didn’t see that comin’.”
“it’s just part of the menu.”
“that’s a stunt? what was that?”
“this is an exclusive experience.”
“this is just theatre, right?”
“he just fucking shot himself, okay?”
“it looked very real, (name). quite real.”
“there is no boat to leave on.”
“that would be very difficult without phone service.”
“with which hand, (name)?”
“with which hand will you handle this? left or right?”
“what the fuck are you saying?”
“come on. leave the guy alone.”
“what the hell’s goin’ on?”
“do you need assistance finding your seat?”
“there’s a finger right there.”
“it’s not funny, lady! jesus christ!”
“this is real, isn’t it? i can’t do it.”
“i can’t do a hostage thing. i can’t.”
“then why don’t you go talk to him?”
“because you know him, right?”
“because i’m a name-dropping whore.”
“your husband’s ring, madam.”
“i honestly think that this whole thing is just for our benefit.”
“that’s why he texted me.”
“why are you doing this?”
“i’ve served many (name)’s. you’re not a (name).”
“what the fuck does it matter?”
“you were not a part of that plan.”
“and then you’ll let me live?”
“we’re all gonna die tonight.”
“so, the question is, do you wanna die with those who give, or with those who take?”
“these decisions are important…”
“god damn it. it’s not fucking fair.”
“you smoke all day. can’t even fucking taste it.”
“we’re cornered. let’s focus.”
“wait, what’s the play here?”
“the door is guarded… but that could be a play.”
“hey, guys. we gotta do something.”
“this worked in a movie i did once.”
“when they bring their knives and forks, we just storm the kitchen, okay?”
“you think we have better knife skills than them?”
“what other choice do we have?”
“fuck it. i’m gonna break this fucking window.”
“there’s a saying. ‘sometimes all you need is a good cup of tea’.”
“i’ve found that not only does tea cleanse the palate, but it offers a soothing balm when facing some hard home truths.”
“but before we continue… are there any questions about me?”
“i think i speak for everybody here when i say that… i wanna know… i mean, we wanna know…”
“why the fuck is this happening?”
“you loved that i texted you an invitation for this evening.”
“it wasn’t cod, you donkey.”
“and i’ve been fooled into trying to satisfy people who could never be satisfied.”
“just say how much, and we’ll give it to you.”
“do you hear that silence?”
“listen, can you hear it?”
“and what have you decided?”
“all of this… is not meant for me.”
“you’re not sure i’m brilliant, so don’t say it.”
“i’m not sure that you’re brilliant.”
“i guess i’m gonna have to make your decision for you.”
“you thought i couldn’t tell?”
“i know a fellow service industry worker when i see one.”
“you’ve been eyeing him all evening.”
“you don’t rattle easily. so, how did he rattle you?”
“if we can find a boat, we can make a break for it.”
“into the tranquil night air.”
“i’ll send for help. first thing.”
“yes, well… there was a time that would have meant a lot to me, (name).”
“you know, it’s the emoji for me.”
“don’t fucking run next to me.”
“you’re running next to me!”
“it’s a big fucking’ forest! fuck off!”
“are we all really dying tonight?”
“everyone dying was my pitch, actually. i’m super proud of it.”
“not that you guys give a single, flying fuck… but my name is not (name). it’s (name).”
“how’d you do out there?”
“i did great. i killed it.”
“i’m the only one who got away.”
“i’m sorry. i’m a fuckin’ failure.”
“i’ve been stealing money from you.”
“i know. you cc’d me in on it.”
“tell me why you’re here.”
“and what were you told?”
“what were you told ahead of time?”
“i seem to remember you had a date.”
“so, you hired her knowing she’d die?”
“you entitled piece of shit.”
“i’m gonna kill you, (name)!”
“you can’t blame her, can you?”
“you’re not like the others, are you?”
“i have something for you.”
“what do you need? we have everything.”
“shit? would you like some shit?”
“we strive for perfection… which of course does not exist, and that is a hard truth for me to accept… so please forgive me.”
“and that concludes our demonstration.”
“look, i’m not trying to sound, like, all whatever here or anything… but i just don’t think it’s really fair.”
“do you wanna know why you’re being punished?”
“i saw the film calling doctor sunshine, and i did not enjoy it.”
“seeing you again now haunts me.”
“what happens to an artist when he loses his purpose?”
“what school did you go to?”
“i’m sorry. you’re dying.”
“do you think you’re special?”
“you’ve disobeyed this rule.”
“you’ve been a nuisance since you have arrived.”
“you will not replace me.”
“you told them it was my birthday?”
“seemed funny about three hours ago.”
“i am a monster. no, was a monster. and a whore.”
“and at last, the pain is almost gone.”
“i can no longer be hurt, (name).”
“as dr. king once said, ‘we know through painful experience… that freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor. it must be demanded by the oppressed.’”
“did he just quote martin luther king?”
“i see you found our radio.”
“why didn’t you all try harder to fight back? to get out of here? honestly, you probably could have. something to think about.”
“come on. clearly, there’s a misunderstanding.”
“on your knees with your hands over your head. now.”
“you’ve betrayed our sacred bond of trust.”
“you’ve shown your craft to be careless.”
“you’re an eater. you’re a taker.”
“i don’t like your food.”
“for starters… you’ve taken the joy out of eating.”
“every dish you served tonight has been some intellectual exercise… rather than something you want to sit and enjoy.”
“when i eat your food… it tastes like it was made with no love.”
“oh, this is ridiculous.”
“and the worst part is… i’m still fucking hungry.”
“you know what i’d really like?”
“yeah, we can do a cheeseburger.”
“the cheap ones your parents could barely afford.”
“american cheese is the best cheese for a cheeseburger… because it melts without splitting.”
“thank you… for everything.”
“i told you, you weren’t leaving.”
“it’s everything wrong with us, and yet we associate it with innocence.”
“but what transforms this fucking monstrosity is fire.”
