Am I?

I have been told writing can help me.

[ihatewritingsomuch-blog]

Got rejected by USC 2/1/2019

This morning, I received a rejection email from USC. How should I describe my feelings now? It is not saying that I am not sad because that prof is perfectly matched and I could live with my BF in LA, besides, there are a lot of comedy clubs in LA~ I do feel sad to let my BF down because I know how much he wants me to be there with him. But it is what it is, how do I cope with it? I drank a can of Redbull and maxed out at the gym. I completed the workout of today by ranking as NO.4, hit PR at deadlift. See, the bad thing does not always come with bad results. Now I have one interview and two unknown (still waiting)~ TBH, I did imagine how I would celebrate if I get into USC, now I imagine what I'll do if I get into the other two schools. I never picture the fail conditions, and I just cope it at that moment. Luckily, I am good at coping. I did have a breakdown this week as I was waiting for the result from USC, but I didn't really feel like at the end of the world when I got the result. I immediately let my BF and the close friends know, and my friends were joking about that and cracked me up. I can tell my BF was really upset, and I do feel sorry about that. Anyway, just writing down those thoughts in my head and moving on. No matter what life throws at me, I am all in. 💪🏋️‍♀️🖕

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13th day of Carnivore diet 9/13/2018

It is my 13th day of Carnivore diet!!!!! I am sooooo excited but worried because I lost 1lbs since I reduce the bacon in the morning, but I felt hungry at 3:30ish. I think I should go to eat from 3:30 to 4:30pm every day and see how I feel. Anyway, I can only eat beef patties because there is no much choice for me at the dinner time. Then I can start fasting from 4 and have breakfast at 10am, and that will be a perfect 18/6 IF ratio.   

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12th day of Carnivore diet 9/12/2018

“This is my 12 days of carnivore diet report:

Pros:

my energy level is consistently beyond average, the memory is better, the mind is sharper and faster, the strength is increasing, CrossFit performance is improving. No constant hunger feeling. sugar/carb craving is under control.

Cons:

my weight is increasing!!! I brought my scale to weigh the bacon this morning. I realized how much calories that amount bacon can be!!! I problem eat 3000-4000 per day during this period, and I gained 2lbs. But I definitely feel my belly is becoming bigger than it was before! I have this problem since I was little which is I don’t know how much should I eat and when should I stop eating. Therefore, I will always end up with overeating and think that is what I need to eat to be not hungry or feel mad at myself. 

Solution:

Since I have unclear self-evaluation on food quantity, I should not listen to those words: “counting calories is stupid” “you don’t need to count calories if you are on carnivore diet” “just follow your instinct...” Because I have the problem with assess my food intake, so I need something to help me measure and monitor my food intake. Therefore, I will back to track my calories(1400 cal/day) via MFP and write the journal about how I feel (hunger, craving, strength, performance). I will still weigh myself every morning to get the results of any modification. Do listen to those words “don’t weigh yourself every day” If I don’t get my data, how can I know what worked or what didn’t. You stupid fuck! 

Here is the meal plan for tomorrow ()

Breakfast:

1. bacon 100g

2. scrambled eggs 100g

Dinner:

1. beef patties: 3 pieces

2. hard-boiled eggs: 2

[ihatewritingsomuch-blog]

5th day of Carnivore diet

I had a sore throat and swollen gums since yesterday, I don’t know if it is because of I got a cold from the Vista study room at one night. Their AC is low af. I also think it might be because of the diet, and I am at the adaptation phase. I will try to drink more water and see if it will get better. 

About the weight, I didn’t lose any weight today, stay the same with yesterday. I didn't go to the gym this morning because I will bike to this gym at 9am~ 

Bacon and eggs for breakfast at 8am, hope I will feel hungry in the late afternoon~I will have my dinner around 5pm today~

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4th day of Carnivore diet

Today I woke up late and missed the breakfast, didn’t get my bacon and scrambled eggs:( and they didn’t serve any meat without sauce... so I have no choice and eat 4 cheeseburger patties, I felt so full at that moment...

Also, I felt my constipation is getting better! I used the bathroom this morning, I think I used yesterday... it came out pretty smoothly...not like when I was on keto, oh, shit! My butt hole is killing me...like giving birth from the wrong hole🤭...

Today I will eat after class so it might be around 7:30...Hope they still have some main dishes that I can eat...I don’t want to eat cheeseburgers patties for the whole day...😰they only have meatloaf and some chicken taco. I have 1 slice of meatloaf and two spoons of chicken. But the meatloaf is sauced, I only ate the part without sauce on it, then I ate two cheeseburger patties:(

I missed my bacon and eggs, I must get them tomorrow morning!

[ihatewritingsomuch-blog]

3rd day of Carnivore diet

Today is the 3rd day of my carnivore diet, losing 0.8lbs this morning~I don't know if it is the water or something, but I feel so great! I wake up without feeling weak and sluggish~ I feel energetic!!!!

Learned from the lesson yesterday, today I only ate 1 plate of bacon, 1 big soup spoon scrambled eggs and 1 palm size pork patty. Now I don’t feel sleepy or lethargic at all. I feel amazing!!!! 

I went to workout at 3ish and finished at 4pm, then I feel a little hungry. I think it is because I ate too little this morning? maybe I should try to add more because I didn’t feel like full when I ate my breakfast, but I am too afraid I will end like yesterday because of eating toooo much, so I made a conservative decision. After I went back home, I cooked two chicken thighs and ate them at 4:30ish, and then took a shower~Now I feel sleepy, I don’t know it is because of the workout or food or both maybe? I really like how I feel in the morning. 

[ihatewritingsomuch-blog]

2nd day of Carnivore diet

This morning, I ate a lot of bacon and 2.5 pork patties? One woman in the dining hall told me it is pork, I have no idea, but it does taste fattier than bacon. And now I feel a little bit lethargic and very full (I like how I felt yesterday, satiated and energetic). I think it is most likely because I ate toooooo much bacon. Tomorrow, I will trim like 1/4 bacon (the half plate that I added for the second time), and stay with only 1 plate. About the scrambled eggs and omelet, I will skip them because they were cooked by the olive oil. And I want to just jump into phase 2 which is no dairy and eggs. I am a Chinese, dairy is not my main dish at all, so I have no problem cutting it, but eggs, it is not about how much I like it, it is just really handy. It is easy to cook, and it is cheap~So, no problem at all. Overall, here is my food list in the dining hall: 1. bacon/egg (some say egg is not in the carnivore diet list, but Kelly ate it, and she did lose 125lbs and look fabulous.)

2. any non-process/sauce meat they serve depending on their menu.

3. cheeseburger patties (a backup plan, in case they don’t have the meat without sauce on it)

I also forgot to eat slowly, I did remind myself "eat slow, eat slow", but somehow I still kept eating fast. It is the worst habit that I had since I was little. The next meal, I will spend at least half hour to eat my chicken thigh.

[ihatewritingsomuch-blog]

Gratefulness| episode 1

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1st day of carnivore diet

Today I try to switch my diet from keto to carnivore. The reason for making this change is that I found out my constipation is not getting better and even worse on the keto diet. I had chronic constipation for a long time. I DM Dr. Kend Berry and asked him about this, he recommended me to try carnival diet for 4-6 weeks to see how it goes. In addition, I found my body is getting loosen because of aging? Also, I feel weak when I exercise on the keto diet. We will see. Now, I am dorming and eating at the dining hall. So for me, I won’t need to cook but my choice is limited, of course, they will not serve steak in the dining hall, but I still can choose to eat properly. Today, I had bacon and scrambled eggs for brunch. I didn't count how many slices I had, but I sure had a lot, probably 20 slices? I feel normal rn, and not that sleepy. I tend to get sleepy if I eat too much protein on the keto diet, so if I don’t feel sleepy, I guess is because I didn't consume any carbs from those vegetables that I used to consume. Let’s see how I will feel in the afternoon. I feel amazing, no lethargy, and my muscles are so pump today even I didn’t go to the gym! That’s incredible, and I love this feeling!!!! I guess my body just can’t handle carbs and protein at the same time, even the cards are from veggies, this combination will still trigger me...I guess I can only be either vegan or carnivore... I’ve try vegan for 4 months, but I gained a lot of weights, feel lethargical all the time, always hunger and carving sugars... Never gonna back to that!!!now I am experiencing this carnivore thing, and I’ll continue documenting this process for at least 3 weeks (until my challenge ends)

My weight now is 140.8 lbs

[ihatewritingsomuch-blog]

It is my 1st blog. I don’t know why I suddenly want to document my life as it goes, I guess I can call it my epiphany about life ~ People said you will never know what you think until you see it. That is why I am starting my free writing journey~