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@iheartporkchops
I was going to post more. And then I didn’t. I’ve been in a funk. Also work got busy. And then my Buggsie dog got sick again. I’m tired of everything. I’m tired of my friends here. I miss my friends that don’t live close to me. I really want to talk to my mom about all of this. But she’s not here either. I think it’s more than just a funk. But I’ll be fine tomorrow when I talk to my therapist. Because everything is always fine.
Buggsie got her eye removed. She got a crazy infection that almost killed her before we were able to remove the eye and close everything up. She’s grumpy, she’s 10 and she does not like her baby sister MoonPie. But I’m so very glad she’s still here with us. She’s a big piece of my mom that I have and I don’t want to lose her just yet.
I feel like I need to post several things as updates. This is MoonPie. She came to us back in November. She just turned 1! We got her from a lady who’s Great Dane had FIFTEEN PUPPIES and she was the last and we got her for free. We had been discussing getting our hearts broken by a Dane again. I missed it. I missed the big dog snuggles. And the stomping. What I did not know is that this girl PUNCHES. literally hits me. But I still love her. She’s a sweetie pie. When she’s sleeping. So we have her now.
Welcome back?
I feel like I need a diary again. I'm all hopped up on caffeine at the moment. I have been off coffee for a bit because of the anxieties. but then I decided to try it again and I liked it and then bought a little Nespresso machine and here I am. Off my ass excited. I am working but I'm also not wanting to work so I'm just gonna post shit. Shit post. Whatever. I really hate what is happening in the the world and I found out some things about people I love and I want to talk about it. I miss my mom.
Dear Mom,
You’ve been gone for a year now. I’ve thought about you every single day. I’m not exaggerating about this either. I am pretty sure I had a dream about you almost every night. The worst about the dreams are that you are here but not talking. Or you’re dead but came back to life and we have to figure out how to get you back in your apartment and explain to people you’re not dead. So many times I was confused bc I had your ashes but you were with us. In other dreams I’m forever trying to move you out of the house in Burns before the new owner comes back. Those are the worst dreams. So stressful. I’m trying to do things “in your memory.” I did win bingo on your birthday! I planted a good flower bed and Jesse didn’t complain too much about the cost. He still doesn’t get the “waste of money on flowers that don’t last” (they last longer if I watered thru August)(I got lazy). Oscar wants to use she/her pronouns. But changed nothing else. You knew this. It’s still the same. She does have a girlfriend tho! You’d like her. Oscar misses you. Jesse misses you. Buggsie is the best. She has not gotten out for a run around the neighborhood since last year! I don’t know if she misses you. We lost LeeLoo in July, Jesse told her to go find you. Which is sweet bc he doesn’t believe in that kind of thing. But I hope she’s up there laying on a couch with you. On you I’m sure. I made sure that my siblings said happy birthday to Aba today. I sang to him.
I don’t know what I want to do for the day. I want to cry all the time. I just want to be sad and not stop being sad. Even though I know that’s not “what you would have wanted” but it’s what I want to do. I wish I could see signs like other people. Or like when dad died. But I haven’t had anything. Except terrible dreams. But at least I get to see you in those.
Our sweet LeeLoo. We took her to the Vet on Wednesday and they confirmed what we were afraid of. She had bone cancer and it had almost eaten away her forearm. Her back legs weren’t holding her up, and she couldn’t put any weight on her front leg. She was down to 106lbs. We had to make the decision to let her go that day. I haven’t stopped crying. I don’t know how many times my heart can’t break but I don’t think it can take much more.
My birthday is on Friday and I don’t even want to celebrate. I want to just disappear.
I’ve had terrible dreams about my mom. Like she didn’t die. In my dream we thought she died. But she didn’t and we had to figure out how to get her back in her assisted living place. And get her money back. And then in other dreams she’s just alive. But she doesn’t talk. And I woke up as sad as I was the day she died.
My dog LeeLoo is dying now.
And I want to just sit here and cry. And listen to sad songs and cry my eyes out.
Then I want to run away. I want to get in my car and go somewhere. But I don’t know where to go.
So I just sit on my couch. Surrounded by my dogs and listen to the saddest songs I have and cry.
I only post when I’m sad on here now I think. And I’m sorry about that.
Here’s an updated picture of my office decor. I’m getting more plants! And I found my very first cross stitch. I did “I ❤️ Dad” bc everyone else in my 4H group did I❤️Mom and I liked to be contrary when I was a fourth grader. Also I won a blue ribbon at the county fair for that. For color selection. My dad had it in his shop and I found it when we cleaned out the shop but then lost it. And then just found it in the storage unit. I’m glad I found it again.
The neighbor cat likes hanging out. But he needs to stop messin with my flowers!
I think I’ll post the videos that I send to my friend. Just for fun. Here’s my face. And me being grumpy. Also don’t ask about my shirt it’s like ten years old and I only wear it at home.
I did some flower planting today! I got it all done before it rained!
I went to San Diego. And I didn’t want to leave. We went to Balboa Park and the Japanese Gardens and then to a Padres game. And then to the beach on the coldest day that happened! We went to a show and I ended that night throwing up in an Uber. Good times. I forgot I was in my fourties’.
I framed my work!
They got hung up today and I didn’t even notice!! We have absolutely no “vision” when it comes to decor in our house.
Also I did this small little guy. Who is in my office on my tower of nonsense.
Here’s the full view.
Our neighbor cat was trying to frame Bone Kitty for digging holes I think!
Oof I miss my mom today. And it’s not like “bc this happened and now I miss her” it’s just there. And I miss her. And I’m crying. I just want to visit with her.
We watched Ricky Stinicky tonight. And it was hilarious. And also a lot of representation in the background and a little in the foreground. It’s interesting that such a “low brow” movie would have a decent amount of representation of all types. Besides that. John Cena is always a win. I just really like his characters that he plays. I haven’t seen anything about this movie besides on Prime and I like it. Clearly I’m a very reliable critic.
Also I’m a bit tipsy.
I finally finished my cross stitch! Now to find a frame for it. And my other one. Now to start a new one!