I hurt so much

Let me tell you a little about myself. I'm am a girl in my 20's suffering from a wide variety of health issues including: Severe Arthritis, Psoriasis, Costochondritis, depression, Anxiety, Polycystic Ovary Disease, Hypertension and more... As of lately I've been in constant pain, and I've wanted to just vent about it, but I didn't want to bother or scare away all of my regular followers, so I started up this blog. I plan to talk about my physical and mental issues that I deal with on a daily basis. There may also be some nerdiness crap sprinkled in here as well since I'm a fan of video games, webcomics, anime junk and all things nerdy.

[ihurtsomuch]

So... I’ve been away from here for a while...

I had a bit of a mental breakdown and had withdrawn into my self for months... then had anxieties about coming back...

In the time since I’ve been gone, I’ve had surgery on both of my feet to correct locked-up toes due to the swelling from arthritis, I have also been put on a constantly increasing dose of antidepressants again... they have been helping, but I’m still at a bit of a low...

One of the last posts I made was in reference to my remicade treatments that were working wonders... I was forced to change doctors, even offices since all the doctors at my office either retired, changed practices or moved away.

Upon meeting this new doctor, he decided to do blood-work and “start fresh” with my disease. He claims that my condition doesn’t appear to be very active in my blood-work and that all my aches and pains are probably from a lack of vitamin D.  Of course it doesn't “appear to be active”, it’s been reasonably well maintained up to this point. I am now 5 weeks behind in my treatment, he won’t approve it, the psoriasis is coming back and my back and feet hurt as I’m sitting still doing absolutely nothing on the couch. I have been dealing with this for over 10 years, I’ve been put on vitamin D in the past, I’ve tried many different treatments!  my doctor I had to leave said I had maintain this treatment or else everything will come raging back. I don’t know what to do... Autoimmune issues run rampant in my family, I lost a nephew to an autoimmune disease, I almost lost my father to one as well, his kidneys started shutting down before they diagnosed him. His sister has severe arthritis leading her to have joint replacement... that’s only a few cases of many.

As I am, I already can’t function for a 4 hour work shift, and this isn’t even at my worst! I’m terrified that my psoriasis will come raging back my skin will get bad again and I won’t be able to walk down the isle at my own wedding! (which is in October) We’re buying a house and the thought of packing/sitting on the floor/lifting boxes is already freaking me out and our closing date is at the end of the month.

I just don’t know what to do... My family who has seen me struggle for years all think I should look for a new doctor, but changing doctors and dealing with new people is so insanely difficult for me...

[razorshapes]

To Live On by Min Jeong Seo

“The stalks these flowers are already dried up but their blossoms are preserved and kept fresh by the medical infusion bags. The life-span of every living creature is limited.The infusion bags stand for the progress in medicine and the prolongation of human life.They somehow carry an ambivalent message as they refer to both death and life an the same time. Both states are immanent here. To preserve the beauty of the flowers artifically with the help of the infusion bags points out man’s inclination to repress the fact having to die and to postpone death.”

[ihurtsomuch]

I need a real career.

So I have been promoted to a management position at my retail job.  I am very mixed on the whole situation. This position is more money and a lot more hours, as well as many long nights. I have to deal with money, cashiers who won't listen to me, asshole customers who talk down to me and trash the store in unthinable ways... It also requires a lot more time on my feet, and lifting with my back, two common issue spots when it comes to my arthritis. Needless to say, I am quickly approaching a zone of discomfort... I can easily go back to being a cashier again, but I know manager will look way better on a resume, and I don't want to be comfortable in this job... I want a real career. I am so ready to move on!

I'm always afraid how to approach the real job thing though... how do I tell them I will need days off to get important medicine I need to function.  I know the interview process is me trying to sell myself as being valuable employee, which is hard to do when I'm so damn depressed... and I'm always afraid for when my medicine wares off, I want to be able to walk into my interview, not hobble... and my skin... I don't need them thinking I've got poison Ivy or something...?    Really though... How do you sell such a broken product to a company? 

Not to mention I've had two AWFUL interview experiences, so I'm a little traumatized...   

I need a real job, but I'm scared to death to put myself out there again.

[ihurtsomuch]

Highest Dose

I got my IV this morning, and I am now at the highest possible dose of remicade. I really hope this works out for me...

so far, the only side effect I'm feeling is a little bit of a headache and just extreme exhaustion (probably from the high dose of benadryl...)  but even so, I can already feel a small improvement with my feet (they're still crazy swollen) but walking a little bit isn't nearly as agonizing as it had been just yesterday...

I really hope the swelling goes down more before the weekend, we had plans to go out, skating, go-carting, and general fun stuff...

needless to say, I haven't been looking forward to this as much I should be...   :(

[ihurtsomuch]

I hardly slept at all last night, I kept waking up due to the extreme pain in my spine and feet. I kept tossing and turning to try and get comfortable, but nothing helped...

Tomorrow's my IV, I never imagined I'd be so happy to have a needle jammed in my arm for hours.

[ihurtsomuch]

My feet are so swollen, my back is so sore…

I have 5 more days before my IV…

I wonder if they’re going to have to up my dose again…

what if this medicine stops working too?

what’s next?

[wellroundedbitch]

I hope you feel better and I hope you get the treatment you need/deserve. 

[ihurtsomuch]

Thank you dear! <3

About two more days to go before my next IV, I can't wait!

[ihurtsomuch]

My feet are so swollen, my back is so sore...

I have 5 more days before my IV...

I wonder if they're going to have to up my dose again...

what if this medicine stops working too?

what's next?

[ihurtsomuch]

Stress at work, and worn off medicine

So, work has been super stressful for me lately!

Currently there are no managers at the store I work at. I am supposed to be bumped up to manager this week, but I wasn't on the scedule this week, so they've had me coming in on random days. (Which has been driving me insane)

I'm supposed to come in on Friday, and Friday is truck day... This is supposed to be my day to prove I'm capable of unloading a truck and stocking quickly.  With my medicine I should do fine, buuuuuuuut...

My IV is next week, and my previous one has already worn off.  :(  I'm functioning by popping ibuprofen again... I'm so screwed... So far it's definitely hitting hard in my back, and coming back in my chest and feet too, it hasn't hit my hips yet... as for my skin, the psoriasis is really bad on my legs, and even showing up on my nose too.  There's no way to hide that... Ugh!

This is going to be a crappy work week.  I can't wait for Thursday so I can get my IV!   :(

[sickgirldiary]

Autoimmune disease awareness!

[ihurtsomuch]

I have psoriasis, too, and I've been so afraid of getting a tattoo because it might react! Anything happen to yours (love the color, btw), or has it been healing well?

Aw, thank you!

And I understand completely!  I originally put it off for years because of the psoriasis, but I  just decided to take my chances finally.

 I've had it about two weeks, and right now it's in the scabbing/peely/itchy/dull-color stage (I have been trying my hardest not to scratch over it) Apparently that's normal (I've been googling the healing process quite frequently) I guess it has to scab over and the scabs have to fall off on their own.

I decided to included a photo so you can see how close it is to one of my psoriasis patches, and as far as I can tell it's healing as it should be?  But I will gladly keep my blog updated on how the process is going for me!  It may be too early to see if the psoriasis will get to it or not, but so far it seems ok?  

If you do decide to go for a tattoo, I'd love to know!  :)  

(Also, if you want to ask me again in a few more weeks/months, I'll gladly give another update then if it would help your decision!) Just keep in mind, Psoriasis is a finicky disease, it may manifest itself in different ways in different people)

Either way, I hope this helps!  <3

[ihurtsomuch]

Emma is this you?

nope, sorry, my name's Tracy.   :)

[ihurtsomuch]

My sister showed me this today, she said it immediately reminded her of me.

It did give me a good laugh, hopefully it'll do the same for you!   :)  

[ihurtsomuch]

Anxiety hindering Job search

So, I have a degree in Graphic Design with a focus on illustration, so I am currently out on the job market, and fixing up my own personal website.

I have been working at a dollar store since I was in Highschool, My intention was to stick with it until I got my degree and could get a real job, but now I'm having little luck and on the verge of panic attacks over it.  (Also, they are currently prepping me to become a manager) Still, that's not what I want to do for the rest of my life and won't pay the medical bills. (Let alone get me out of my parents house)

I had actually just received a text from my sister saying that our aunt forwarded my resume to a large greeting card company and one of the people though my work was pretty good (still not guaranteed a job, but still a good sign) You'd think I'd be thrilled!  I, on the other hand got immediately freaked out, in the bad way. I don't think highly of myself, so how am I going to present myself to them as a valuabe asset? what if I totally blow my chances!? my mind ALWAYS jumps to the worst possible conclusion, I get so awkward and nervous when talking to strangers (or even on the phone)  I know it's irational, but I just can't help it! and if I get an interview, how do I say "I have to get IV's nearly every month so I can walk and function, please hire me so I'll have some good insurance... by the way, I need those iv days off plz." That'll look real great, of course they'd want to hire me!

Now, something that should have been great news, has me grounded and super stressed, and now I need to go to work (on mine and my bf's dating anniversary... I won't even see him today because my work made me close when I usually open, and he requested to open thinking I would have been opening too) and do more manager training.  I'm so stressed I could cry!   D:

Anyone else have this problem? how do you get past stuff like this?!

[ihurtsomuch]

Chest pain

So, I've been getting bouts of chest pain again.  I've already been hospitalized for it in the past, so I know it's no big deal... It's a condition called Costochondritis which is common with arthritis.  Apparently the area where my ribs connect to the sternum is all swollen. My doctor gave me cream, but the thought of putting it on, then a shirt over top makes me cringe a little... I hate gooey stuff... especially if clothes could potentially stick to it...  :/  

[blue-sugar-blog-blog]

What happens in Vegas does not always stay in Vegas.

I got a little spur-of-the-moment ink done during my trip!  I now have this little gem adorning my ankle. 

[ihurtsomuch]

I just got back from Vegas, and I had an Amazing trip!

while there, I was persuaded to actually get a tattoo!  It had been something I considered for a LOOOOONG time, but just never thought I'd actually go through with it.

After friends priced it out for me, and offered to pay half, I agreed to it.  I have always loved music, listening to and making it, so I thought this would be a nice, simple, cute design that I probably wouldn't grow to regret (at least not as much as other things I considered).  This little piece is located on my ankle, about an inch from one of my worst psoriasis patches.

for years, knowing about my psoriasis, I had been afraid to get any ink, in case the psoriasis would just consume that area... I've read a few conflicting stories about tattoos and psoriasis, so I'll see how this goes... wish me luck!

I also showed my doctor yesterday where he said he like it and I shouldn't have to worry about any adverse effects when it come to the remicade or my lowered immune system... which was a big relief!

so much to worry about when it comes to silly little things like this!

[ihurtsomuch]

thank you so much for everything! you helped me a lot. it's good to know that I can talk to some one about this. :)

You're very welcome! I'm glad I could help!  :D

[ihurtsomuch]

thank you so much! that helped so much! yeah, the humira bothered meat first going in it, like it hurt really bad, is the remicade like that? and does it make you sick? sorry for asking so many questions. haha, thanks for all your help! :)

I know what you mean, the Humira was always unplesant when being injected, it always stung really bad!  The Remicade doesn't hurt at all, the only thing that happens is you're whole body gets kinda cold while it's going in and for a little bit after (I have a backpack I always bring with me with a little throw blanket in it, and occasionally I'd pack extra snacks or movies)  

It has never made me sick, just left me drained for about the rest of the day (but that also may be because of the benedryl) when I got the first few, I used to get a headache like the day after, but that hasn't happened for a few months now.

and oh no, don't apologize! I don't mind at all!  if you want to talk about anything like this, (or really anything at all) please feel free to message me whenever you want!  :)