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@iiixcvixvii
10:43 pm
Sunday, October 24th, 2021
Sometimes I wonder if Iām doing enough. Am I enough to keep you in this just as much I am? No one will know because on the surface we put out this show that weāre good but everyday these past few days I feel like Iām losing apart of someone who I once was real connected to. Where now, it feels weāre like weāre two strangers slowly drifting trying to make a conversation appear.
Happy Valentineās Day, to this man ā¤ļø
when you come to find out the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, didnāt ask you out because they had wanted to but simply because you had ask āwhat are we?ā. This is a joke.
9:18 pm
Wednesday, December 9th, 2020
Without you knowing, Iāll remain silent or quiet sometimes; for the purpose that I ask deep questions or sometimes just far too many because it makes me feel connected to you. However, I understand that it could be overbearing especially when weāre on a time difference. But there is no reason for you to raise your voice and use a tone where it makes me feel like Iām in the wrong for simply just wanting to ask or have a more in depth conversation with you, no matter how late it is. You may not realize but I ask because Iām generally interested in everything that you do, regardless how little or how big it may seem but thatās just another little thing we see differently.Ā
10:04 pm
Monday, October 5th, 2020
dear you,
Iām a little shy to admit but youāre my person and someone Iād love to potentially want to call home one day. You have no idea how late I stay up because Iām tossing and turning for reason at all. But somehow, whenever we sleep together, I fall asleep instantly without question. Iām not sure if itās the sound of your voice, you simply breathing, or knowing that if I wake up in the middle of the night, youāll be there. You just put my mind at ease and it makes itās easier to sleep. So, for that I want to say thank you and goodnight love.
8:16 pm
Wednesday, September 16th, 2020
Did you ever think weād be more than just friends? Did you ever think weād be where we are today? Did you ever think weād make it to our first year, and let alone talking about our potential future together?Ā
Honestly, Iām just as surprised as you might be that we made it through the past couple years. Iām proud to say that the relationship we have built together was built on the grounds of friendship prior to everything else. We took our time and had patience for each other to overcome some of our biggest challenges, we ourselves had to face. We got to know every little detail of one another to really accept each otherās flaws and reality.Ā
The day weĀ āmetā or shall I say matched was one that was unexpected. I remember it as if it were yesterday, it was on August 11th, 2018. It was just two days prior before I had to fly back home into Vancouver after being in the states itself for an entire month. We linked because the night before our encounter, my cousins had decided that I was at home too much, when I should be out meeting friends but I wasnāt into that whole concept of Tinder due to having thoughts of negativity towards it. However, Iām glad that they made one for me and I had the opportunity to welcome someone incredible into my life that I never knew would make such a difference while being apart of it. We then later added each other on snap and talked endlessly throughout the night until the break of dawn. I had never connected with someone on that level right off the bat and knew that you were someone Iād want to keep in my life because of how genuinely interested in were about my daily life, even if I had nothing going on. I felt for once, someone who was listening to what I wanted and it was like that vice versa. Iām more than excited to see what these next chapters with each other will look like and Iām extremely blessed for you.
Youāre amazing in more words than I could possible describe. You understand the concept from fantasy to what reality is and you explain how it is regardless of the situation. I admire that about you and that big smile of yours continues to make my heart melt every time I catch you starring endlessly at me for no reason. I only hope that our adventure together continues and we get to travel the world together and soon be under one roof together.Ā
Happy Anniversary, Brandell Hmel. I love you more than words can describe.Ā
10:22 pm
Tuesday, August 25th, 2020
Tonightās Prayer:
Lord, I pray that you continue to watch over those around me and continue to guide them in their everyday life; No matter where they are in the world. I am thankful and blessed to have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my stomach. The amount of love that surrounds me undeniable and Iām glad I can say Iām lucky to be loved in the little way that I am. Please, give strength to my grandma in Long Beach and my grandpa in the Philippines. Allow them to live another day and know that we send our love to them even if weāre miles apart. Also, I ask that you continue to guide Katie as she navigates through this heartache. I pray that you give me the strength to be in the relationship that I am in, guide me in the direction. Iām not wanting to chase but be admired by this man to want to spend the rest of my life with. I pray that he reaches all of his goals and he finds the happiness that he desires. Letās just say, whatever you have in store for him and I; I will leave in your palms without judgement or question.
10:06 pm
Tuesday, August 25th, 2020
dear you,
Is it wrong to ask you for more of your time? Is it wrong to want more of how we use to be? Is it wrong to want to pull away to see if youāll be the one to make the first move rather than having to be the one constantly doing so? I want to know what happened because it never use to be this way. Sure, I understand that we were busy and we had work to occupy the time between us. But that never took the time away from us curiously wanting to check-in on each other. Whereas now, we have nothing to keep ourselves busy and all we have is time itself. Iām not saying for us to constantly talk on the phone or be on FaceTime every hour of the day, the least thing Iād want is for our conversations to be forced. Although, that shouldnāt have been the case to begin with if we really wanted this. Does that make sense? Iām not saying our efforts arenāt there but they have definitely changed. Itās something Iād want to bring up but not without you thinking you arenāt doing enough because that isnāt the case either. I just would have thought because we have this time, weāre in a long distance relationship, and the time difference itself, that weād have a better sense of communication or weād find a way to make the time for each other like we use to. It seems the more time we have to ourselves, the less time we communicate which should be the other way around.Ā
12:00 am
Sunday, August 16th, 2020
Tonightās Prayer:
Lord, I pray that you continue to watch over those around me and continue to guide them in their everyday life. Iām blessed to be able to wake up to a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and clothes on my back to keep me warm. I ask that you give me your guidance in everything that I do when it comes to school, career goals, and simply the relationships that I tend to keep in my life. Please watch over my grandma in the states and my grandpa in the Philippines. I ask that you give them both the strength that they need to love and enjoy the rest of their lives on this earth we call home. Also, Iām blessed that Iām able to have an amazing man in my life to help pick up the broken pieces to what was once broken. Iām more than lucky to be blessed to have what I have in this life time. We are told, we have one life to live, a million opportunities, and an endless love story to tell. We need to take the opportunity and do just that because we never know when itāll be our last day. So, thank you for everything you do from above and again I ask that you continue to watch those whom I love. Bless that we get through this pandemic that the world so hopelessly tries to grasp between their fingers.
10:40 pm
Thursday, August 6th, 2020
Tonightās Prayer:
Lord, I just pray that you continue to watch those whom I love wherever they are in the world. Continue to bless us with a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs, and clothes on our backs to keep us warm. Also, thank you for blessing my grandma another day and allowing her to celebrate her 90th birthday. I ask that you give strength to her and to my Amang in the Philippines. Give him the strength to wait for us until we arrive home, I would love for him to meet someone. I ask that you give myself the courage and strength to focus on giving myself what I deserve. Guide me in the direction that is meant for me whether it be in my career, family, or relationship. As well as, blessing my best friend Katie time to heal from this heartache from peanut. She deserves the world and more. I continue to praise and learn to stay connected with my faith in everything that I do, I may say that I might get distracted from time to time but know I put my faith in everything that I do in your hands. Goodnight.
12:07 am
Thursday, July 30th, 2020
Sometimes I wonder if Iāll remember the slightest way of your touch, the softness of your lips pressed onto mine, and the scent of your warmth that carries within the air because itās been too long. Donāt mistaken this as only the qualities that I ask but a reminder these qualities that make up a small part of who you are; are the very ones that I admire so much about. However, I understand that these past couple months have and are going to be hard as itās been. But I canāt begin to even describe how lucky I am to be with someone like you. If you could only see how badly I miss you and how I wish I hadnāt left when I did. If only I could continue to wake and fall asleep next to you every sunrise to every sunset or more importantly, I wish this pandemic didnāt happen so weād be one step closer to being under one roof or at least hopped on a plane to come see you. I just miss you more than I thought I would have and thatās something that caught myself off guard with.Ā
11:00 pm
Monday, July 27th, 2020
Tonightās Prayer:Ā
Lord, I pray that you continue to keep myself and those whom I love out of harms way and watch over us from the skies above. Give them the strength that they need to overcome any obstacle and remind them to keep an open mindset. Thank for allowing us to have a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs, and clothes on our backs to keep us warm. Simply, thank you for all that you do. Honestly, writing these prayers out have been an eye opener for myself and a reminder to stay true to who I am, deep down. You can get lost in the world by people telling or thinking about what they think is best for you but what matters is yours. Your opinion and your own thoughts about what would be best for you. I ask that you continue to give me your guidance in everything that I do, the strength that Iāll need to over come the biggest challenges and the love that I know, myself deserves. I pray that whomever you allow into my life is for a purpose and reason. I want to feel appreciated and valued for the things that I put my effort towards. Iām done putting my efforts where it isnāt seen or acknowledged. I pray that this pandemic clears up and we can slowly get back to what ourĀ ānewā version of life would become. I pray that my relationship going forward is stronger than it was, that the efforts still continue even after weāve gotten with each other as it should never have stopped. I pray that those who are sick get better and ultimately, I pray that everyone who doesnāt think they deserve more than they should, believe in themselves more because others see their worth, they just need to do the same.Ā
10:35 pm
Monday, July 27th, 2020
Sometimes I fear being left alone in my own thoughts and not knowing how to handle them can be terrifying. It can get twisted to the point, it can make it seem so real. There are other factors to take into consideration and I can only hope that it gets better. But the reality of that, is dimming and discouraging. Sometimes I donāt even know how to express them or how to even begin to explain it someone without them thinking that Iām crazy or that Iām worrying/overthinking about more than I should. How do you even learn to describe that when you feel stuck in your own mind and having no escape from it?Ā
12:13 am
Thursday, July 23rd, 2020
Tonightās Prayer:Ā
Lord, I pray that you continue to keep those around me safe and out of harms way wherever they are in the world, near or far. I pray that you continue to have a roof over our heads, foods in our stomachs, and clothes on our backs to keep us warm. I pray that the world can heal and rid us of this virus we are stumbled upon. Forgive me as this is a way to not only pray and speak with you but to remind myself what it is that I prayed for and what Iāve asked help for guidance of. Also,Ā I pray that my family in the Philippines are safe, specially that old man of ours and our beautiful Angel whoās about to turn 90 this August, is out of harms way. I pray and ask for your guidance itself to help me find my path back to the faith I once believed in. I lost track of everything I held important to my own, I got wrapped up in everyone elseās opinion of me or the concept of pleasing everyone and then worrying about myself later. But I think itās time that I focus on myself and be selfish to put myself first for once. I pray and ask for guidance in my relationship with Brandell, you have given me an amazing man to claim for my own but I was too stubborn to realize how good of man I have until I was lost to losing him all together. I shouldnāt have had to wait until I lost him to realize that Iām deserving of someone to love and that Iām more than enough for him, itself. I doubted my own worth when in reality it shouldnāt have been a decision up for debate to begin with. I pray that he had a good day, within the silenced between us and that both himself and his family had a full stomachs on what seemed to be a rainy day. I pray that his soul is filled with happiness and his heart is filled with love as it always has been. Overall, thank you for not giving up on me, allowing me to grow and learn from this experience. I continue to ask for your love in grace and that you continue to watch over those I love day in and day out.Ā
7:43 pmĀ
Wednesday, July 22nd, 2020
to the person I am today:Ā
i promise i will start loving you again, i just need to remember how it feels to be proud of you, to look in the mirror and be in awe of you.Ā
i just need to remember what it was like before i told you you werenāt good enough.
i buried you alive, piling doubt and loathing onto your body like soil
so only i can bring you back to life (and i will, i promise.)Ā
3:43 pm
Wednesday, July 22nd, 2020
I use to believe that everything that went right in the world would happen on its own but soon realized that it was up to me to decide what the outcome came out to be. It was my decision to either focus on the negatives rather than all the positives that surrounded me. Then unexpectedly, last night turned out differently and I could have potentially lost the man that I pictured the rest of my life with. The one I saw myself growing, learning, and having a family with one day all because I was worried or feared about certain things that had yet to happen. To be told that the man you love feels like everything he does is failing you because you chose to overlook the good that he does, and believe that you arenāt worth his love. When in reality, he adores everything about you down to the tip of your toes and yet, I continue to look past all the good he does and only see the bad thoughts that I come up with myself. Not to mention, thereās baggage from the past that I clearly need to heal from and fix, in order to fix the relationship with this man that I so desperately love. It isnāt fair to him that he does everything he possibly can to put a smile on my face, to reassure me that thereās no one else for him, to show me that heās staying and he isnāt going to leave, just so I could put ideas in my head of otherwise. The first step is to fix the past and accept the last relationships and how I was treated and know, that going into this relationship with him, isnāt going to be like the rest. Iām going to learn to go into the relationship with no doubts about myself or the relationship that I chose to be in with him, thatās how bad I want this to work between us. But everything has a time for whatās meant to be and I can only have faith that everything would work out between us because if I canāt fix this, Iām going to lose the only man thatās treated me right. Until then, this is a reminder to myself that I am worth it and whoever sticks around in my life are there because they choose to be.Ā
3:33 am
Tuesday, July 21st, 2020
Sometimes people do everything they can to block out all the negativity but sometimes itās just not enough. People would rather be miserable with their entire life than be alone or go through something by themselves. They will tend to push you away out of fear that their not good enough for you and theyāll continue to let their insecurities eat them alive then facing the reality of their problems.