INSTINKTUAL

Looks like secrets are better kept online

[iinstinktual]

Dear my beloved Tumblr,

After months of procrastinating, I finally finished preparing my submissions for graduate studies. I will submit this to the university tomorrow and I'll just take it from there. To be honest, I don't know if I super want to pursue the post-graduate path, but the two dear people I've opened up about my uncertainty both told me to just go for it (the submission) and just take it from there. I'm glad to be reminded that I'm allowed to change my mind and that it's okay to just try.

I'm also glad to report back here on Tumblr!! It feels very college-y and I (still) like it.

[iinstinktual]

Tonight I was watching S2E1 of "Trying" when I had to suddenly hit pause and grab my red journal to write down this dialogue by Nikki that just really resonated with me because I don't know how many times in my life I have felt like that.

"I don't wanna say, because if I tell you, then that makes me a terrible person, and not being a terrible person is the thing that I like most about myself."

[iinstinktual]

I really am not a magnanimous person, whether towards myself or to others. Case in point: I prepared a deck for work today and halfway through the presentation, the committee spotted some errors in the content. I cringed at myself so hard and I wanted to just shrink. The work day is done and everyone has moved on, but I'm still agonizing over my mistakes. I apologized to my supervisor and I appreciate that she took some of the blame, saying that she should've reviewed more carefully. But even then, I couldn't seem to forgive myself. I remind myself that today's mistakes should not define me, especially since I work hard and really do my part for the team. But a little voice in my head always answers back with "You shouldn't have made those amateur mistakes in the first place." Huhu I feel sad and I write this in the hopes of being able to process the incident more and eventually forgive my fragile self. Thanks Tumblr, for being a safe space, always.

[iinstinktual]

Last weekend I came across the word "magnanimous" and this whole week I've just been thinking about how I'm actually not a magnanimous person, particularly because of this recent incident that happened in my family. I just can't find the grace yet to forgive this person and though my heart is no longer enveloped in anger, I still can't find it in me to reach out and accept the (lack of) apology. Life is short, but sometimes hurt and sadness are prolonged.

[iinstinktual]

I just finished watching CODA and I absolutely cried my eyes out during her audition scene when she started signing the lyrics of her song. Waaaahhh I really love films that make cry.

[iinstinktual]

I just went to what is probably the best and most heartwarming party this year. So privileged to share the night with people I love.

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Hello Tumblr. I finally have my own laptop again so I hope to re-enter my blogger era :-)

[iinstinktual]

It's our anniversary week in the office, which means it's a crazy busy season once more. But here I am reclaiming my lunch break and just having a moment by the glass window to stand (not sit) with my thoughts.

I want to commemorate the moments when my friends astonished me last week, all of which happened while I was sitting in the passenger seat and we were driving down Skyway.

J told me he has a newfound, closer relationship with God, something that started coincidentally during his and J's Holy Week staycation in Tagaytay when the hotel room's Bible seemed to be calling him and he picked it up and started reading. And it has become a regular habit of his. Worship songs were even playing in his car as he was telling me this story. I'm so happy for him. He has always been religious, but what he has now seems to be a deeper, more personal relationship with God.

Meanwhile, E has learned to recognize and accept his panic attacks as a part of his life and he already knows how to deal with these episodes instead of being parlayzed by them. He can spot triggers and now knows actionable steps to do to cope (i.e., deep breathing, water intake, etc.). This was somehow rooted to a recent tragedy he faced. One of his closest friends died last month due to rectal cancer and he said he had been so involved; he really had to step up because the family had no one else to rely on. From arranging the hospital bills to choosing the coffin, he did it all. To the point that after the first night of the wake, he was rushed to the ER due to lack of sleep, dehydration and overfatigue. These stories reminded me of the kind of friend Earl is – ever-reliable and will always be there for you.

I'm so proud of J and E and the men they have become. While I sometimes feel like playing like a pretend grown-up, I can see in them that they really are full-fledged adults of such strong characters. I love them.

[iinstinktual]

After 11 faithful years with us, our beloved Loki has crossed over to the rainbow side. He was really the best boy, always loving us and protecting us without asking for anything in return. We're all heartbroken but we know it's for the best because he's been really weak already since last year. We're gonna miss him so much and there's never gonna be another Loki.

Thank you for everything, Loki my love. ❤️

[sorrrowfull]

[bymisshoney]

Shiva Mizani

[iinstinktual]

It's my 15 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

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I'm halfway through "Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow" and I'm taking my sweet time because the stories of Sam and Sadie and Marx don't deserve to be rushed.

[iinstinktual]

Thanks to my friend Bea who has impeccable taste and recommended "Scenes from a Marriage" to me two years ago.

[iinstinktual]

Hello Tumblr. Just reporting from Real Life that your girl is giddy and happy and hoping it lasts finally (⁠ ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴗ⁠ꈍ⁠)

[sovietpostcards]

Dormitory room of Tartu University (Estonia, 1960s)

[iinstinktual]

Today, for the first time in my life, someone told me, to my face, that I'm his dream girl. And I don't know what to do with that information. Send help 🥹