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playlist: a touch of your hand

This playlist depicts, to me, the narrative arc of a relationship across later taylor albums until tloas. This relationship is dubbed “the touch of your hand” since that moment seemed to be its catalyst. The playlist does not aim to map to specific real-life moments but to events and sentiments present in the songs. Creating a timeline of songs is difficult because:

Events are written about in hindsight

The beginning of the relationship is revisited a lot

There is more than one break-up in this narrative

More than one event is in any one song

Some events are a fictionalized version

Some songs are about different people but represent current anxieties in the relationship

I have also tried to avoid any sonic whiplash in the playlist where possible, grouping songs from the same album together. I have paid attention to specific details in lyrics that tie two songs together from different albums (whether the details were intentional or not) and placed them near to each other in the tracklisting.

bold: relates to the theme of the chapter

colors: specific lyric parallels between adjacent songs

1. in my dreams

We begin when the two meet, there is a spark, but nothing is actualized. It all exists in the narrator’s head, and, at the same time another lover is still in the picture.

🖤 ...Ready For It?

Lyrics: in the middle of the night in my dreams, you should see the things we do // baby let the games begin // i see how this is gon’ go

Notes: This song also has a lot of if / then e.g. “if i’m a thief then he can join the heist” which indicates nothing has really even started yet.

🖤 Gorgeous

Lyrics: i got a boyfriend he’s older than us // you’ve ruined my life by not being mine // touching my hand in the darkened room

🤎 gold rush

Lyrics: i can’t dare to dream about you anymore // fades into the gray of my day old tea ‘cause it will never be // i almost jump in

🤎 ivy

Lyrics: your touch brought forth an incandescent glow // i can’t stop you putting roots in my dreamland // what would he do if he found us out? // so yeah, it’s a fire // and you started it

Notes: ivy and Gorgeous narrate the same events, with the daydreaming of gold rush in between. But ivy feels like the moment the narrator commits to going down this path and burning down what was in the past.

2. know that body

These songs explore the initial physical relationship, but with feelings brewing in the background. Those feelings are unacknowledged between the parties.

🖤 Delicate

Lyrics: dive bar on the east side where you at // we can’t make any promises now // i know that it’s delicate // stay here, honey, i don’t wanna share // long night with your hands up in my hair // i pretend you’re mind all the damn time

🖤 So It Goes...

Lyrics: met you in a bar // trippin’ when you’re gone // i know what you know, we can feel it // scratches down your back now

🩷 I Think He Knows

Lyrics: makes me wanna know that body like it’s mine // go there every night // he better lock it down // i want you, bless my soul, i ain’t gotta tell him i think he knows

3: what if i told you

The heart of these songs is the core confrontation of feeling between those in the relationship. They admit their feelings to each other.

🩷 Cruel Summer

Lyrics: i’m drunk in the back of the car // i love you, ain’t that the worst thing you ever heard? // he looks up, grinning like a devil

🩷 Cornelia Street

Lyrics: we were drunk in the backseat // i thought you were leading me on, i packed my bags, left Cornelia Street // but then you called, showed your hand

💙 Mastermind

Lyrics: what if i told you none of it was accidental // what if i told you i’m a mastermind and now you’re mine // then saw a wide smirk, on your face, you knew the entire time

Notes: This chapter is bookended by that knowing look once the confession has been made.

4. is this the end of all the endings?

These songs represent the newness of a relationship that still needs protection from the world. They hold the tentative feelings of hope that this will be a true, real, lasting love. Despite the many questions from the narrator about how this will play out, there is a sense of knowing that it is the real thing.

💙 Snow On The Beach

Lyrics: you wanting me tonight feels impossible // i don’t even dare to wish it // now i’m all for you // can this be a real thing can it?

🖤 King Of My Heart

Lyrics: is this the end of all the endings? // your love is a secret i’m hoping, dreaming, dying to keep // say you fancy me, not fancy stuff

🖤 Dress

Lyrics: our secret moments // they got no idea about me and you // if i get burned, at least we were electrified // now i wake up by your side

🖤 New Year’s Day

Lyrics: don’t read the last page // i stay when you’re lost, and i’m scared, and you’re turning away // i can tell it’s gonna be a long road // please don’t ever become a stranger // you and me, forevermore

5. i had a bad feeling

The first signs of fear in the relationship, due to external forces, internal anxieties, and past habits.

🖤 Dancing With Our Hands Tied

Lyrics: i loved you in secret // i had a bad feeling // people started talking // i loved you in spite of deep fears that the world would divide us // people started talking

Notes: Here, the world could be literal (across oceans), tying with False God below, and it could simply be outside opinions.

🩷 False God

Lyrics: we were stupid to jump in the ocean separating us // but we might just get away with it // i’m New York City // you’re the West Village // even if it’s a false god we’d still worship this love // we can patch it up good

🩷 Daylight

Lyrics: maybe you ran with the wolves and refused to settle down, maybe i’ve stormed out of every single room in this town // threw out our cloaks and our daggers // back and forth from New York sneaking in your bed // you are what you love

Notes: The end of this chapter is the point where they’ve made the choice to move forward and let go of their old habits. Daylight references the back and forth over continents of the prior song, including using the physical relationship to mend any issues. The outro “you are what you love” transitions nicely into Lover.

6. you’re my lover

Now we have several songs that showcase loving each other, including the acceptance of each other’s past and sadness.

🩷 Lover

Lyrics: can we always be this close forever and ever // i take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover // my heart's been borrowed and yours has been blue // all’s well that ends well to end up with you

🩷 Paper Rings

Lyrics: i’d marry you with paper rings // honey, without all the exes, fights, and flaws we wouldn’t be standing here so tall // i’m with you even if it makes me blue

Notes: Lover and Paper Rings both reference marriage either directly / indirectly and show a maturity to the relationship.

🩷 All Of The Girls You Loved Before

Lyrics: the stars all aligned // all of the girls you loved before made you the one i’ve fallen for // i wanna teach you how forever feels

Notes: This song ends a nice long stretch of Lover songs and then follows the same themes as the next song. What are all the things in the past that led to this moment? Past relationships? Other signs?

🤍 invisible string

Lyrics: all along there was some invisible string tying you to me // a string that pulled me out of all the wrong arms // hell was the journey but it brought me heaven

🤍 peace

Lyrics: i’ll keep your brittle heart warm if your cascade ocean wave blues come // you’ve got a friend in me // give you my wild, give you a child // give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other // all these people think love’s for show

💙 Lavender Haze

Lyrics: you don’t really read into my melancholia // you don't ever say too much // i’ve been under scrutiny // i want to stay in that lavender haze

Notes: There are a surprising number of lyrical connections between peace and Lavender Haze, including navigating the outside impact of other people, depression references, and being settled and silent together. Those traits are here painted more positively.

7: forever is the sweetest con

These songs suggest forever, but know it might not quite be true.

💙 Glitch

Lyrics: I think there’s been a glitch // the system’s breaking down // but it’s been two thousand one hundred and ninety days of our love blackout // it must be counterfeit

🤎 cowboy like me

Lyrics: now i know i’m never gonna love again // we could be the way forward and i know i’ll pay for it // that was all before i locked it down // forever is the sweetest con

8: saying goodbye

This chapter shows the first break-up of the relationship, with an unclear reason for the cause. This will become clearer in the next chapter when the break-up is resolved.

🩷 Afterglow

Lyrics: put you in jail for something you didn’t do // thought i had reason to attack, but no // i’m the one who burned us down // now you’re blue // i don’t want to lose you // just don’t go // sorry that i hurt you

🩷 Death By A Thousand Cuts

Lyrics: saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts // you’re not my baby // gave up on me like i was a bad drug // trying to find a part of me that you didn’t touch // chandeliers still flicker in here

🤍 illicit affairs

Lyrics: what started in beautiful rooms ends with meetings in parking lots // a drug that only worked the first few hundred times // for you i would ruin myself a million little times

Notes: There are references to the relationship being like a drug in these two songs, which is an interesting parallel. Also here we have the metaphorical chandelier being boarded up, and could be part of the beautiful room where the love affair started.

🤍 the 1

Lyrics: it’s alright now // we were something don’t you think so? // i have this dream you’re doing cool shit, having adventures on your own, you meet some woman on the internet and take her home // we never painted by the numbers baby // you would’ve been the 1

Notes: We end this three run stretch of numbers: a thousand cuts, a million little times, and then, simply, the 1.

9: maybe it was her?

This chapter explores the rekindling of the relationship, but first, not without exploring what went wrong in the first place. We get the first explicit references of a potential betrayal.

🤍 cardigan

Lyrics: heartbeat on the highline // chase two girls lose the one // marked me like a bloodstain // you drew stars around my scars, now i'm bleeding // leavin’ like a father, running like water // i knew you’d come back to me

Notes: “I knew you’d come back to me” is the moment he returns.

🤍 hoax

Lyrics: this has broken me down // stood on the cliffside // your faithless love’s the only hoax i believe in // you know i left a part of me back in New York // you know it still hurts underneath my scars from when they pulled me apart, but what you did was just as dark // don’t want no other shade of blue but you, no other sadness in the world would do

🤍 this is me trying

Lyrics: pulled the car off the road to the lookout, could’ve followed my fears all the way down // it’s hard to be at a party when i feel like an open wound // it’s hard to be anywhere these days when all i want is you // this is me trying // i didn’t know if you’d care if i came back

Notes: There is back and forth. He has returned, but the act of leaving and why he left is hurtful. Does he still want her? She doesn’t know a) because someone else was perhaps involved or b) because her hurt caused her to lash out as we saw in Afterglow. We see in hoax that she still wants him, still wants him even with the sadness, and this is me trying shows her effort to get past her wounds and meet him where he is at.

💙 The Great War

Lyrics: maybe it was her // all that bloodshed, crimson clover // you said if have to trust more freely, but diesel is desire, you were playin’ with fire // telling me to punish you for things you never did // got a sense i’d been betrayed // the night i nearly lost you // we can plant a memory garden // place a poppy in my hair

Notes: The bloodshed in all these songs is also present in the first break-up song of this arc: Afterglow. We also get the resolution of the potential betrayal in the relationship and her reaction (or supposed overreaction) to it.

10: i’m begging for you

The chapter shows a strong desire to cling to the relationship, despite its flaws. The root of the flaws are also investigated from the narrator’s past.

🤍 the lakes

Lyrics: a red rose grew up out of ice frozen ground // i want to watch wisteria grow // with my calamitous love // i’m setting off, but not without my muse, no, not without you

Notes: We start with the image of a red rose, which transitions nicely from the memory garden / poppy in The Great War above. But here, the love is still “calamitous”.

🤎 willow

Lyrics: wherever you stray, i follow // i’m begging for you to take my hand, wreck my plans, that’s my man // my train could take you home, anywhere else is hollow // now this is an open-shut case, guess i should’ve known from the look on your face // that’s my man // like you were a trophy or a champion ring

Notes: “Straying” here could refer to wandering from place to place, but could also be a reference to possible cheating. She will cling to him anyway. There is also a nice juxtaposition between going off to somewhere in the lakes, but then going home in willow.

💙 Anti-Hero

Lyrics: i wake up screaming from dreaming, one day, i’ll watch as you’re leaving // i’m a monster on the hill // it’s me, hi, i’m the problem it’s me

💙 Midnight Rain

Lyrics: i was making my own name, chasing that fame // he stayed the same

Notes: In Midnight Rain we have her considering the effects of her fame on the relationship, which is also acknowledged in Anti-Hero.

11: the rust that grew between telephones

Here the songs explore the emerging emotional distance in the relationship, despite the best efforts of the narrator.

💙 Bejeweled

Lyrics: puttin’ someone first only works when you’re in their top five // don’t put me in the basement when i want the penthouse of your heart // i made you my world // sapphire tears on my face sadness become my whole sky

Notes: This run of Midnights songs ends with a nice contrast between sapphire tears / the sky and Midnight Rain.

🤎 tolerate it

Lyrics: i take your indiscretions all in good fun // i know my love should be celebrated, but you tolerate it // i made you my temple, my mural, my sky, now i’m begging for footnotes in the story of your life // you assume i'm fine

🤎 coney island

Lyrics: looking for you but you’re right here // if this is the long haul, how’d we get here so soon // where did my baby go? // sorry for not making you my centerfold // did i leave you hanging every single day?

🤍 exile

Lyrics: holding all this love out here in the hall // now i’m in exile, seeing you out // second, third, and hundredth changes // you never gave a warning sign (i gave so many signs) // i never learned to read your mind // with his arms around your body

Notes: This is the breaking point, but even though it’s clear to the narrator why the relationship ended he does not realize. That, in itself, is a symptom of the emotional distance.

💙 Maroon

Lyrics: when you splashed your wine onto me // the rust that grew between telephones // how the hell did we lose sight of us again? // you were standin’ hollow-eyed in the hallway // i feel you no matter what the rubies that i gave up // and i lost you // i wake with your memory over me

Notes: We have the repeated image of the man standing in the hallway, and also a line about how this relationship has broken apart before (which we have seen in the previous break-up arc). Here we see the reflection about the cause: distance, perhaps physical and emotional.

💙 Hits Different

Lyrics: i washed my hands of us at the club // you made a mess of me // movin’ on was always easy to do, it hits different, it hits different ‘cause it’s you // is that your key in the door? is it okay? is it you?

Notes: There’s a fun connection between spilling the wine on the narrator’s shirt followed immediately by a song with the lyric “you made a mess of me”. The moment she’s in the club, washing her hands, suggests trying to hook up with other guys. To make the narrative fit, this could tangentially refer back to the “his arms around your body” in exile.

💙 Labyrinth

Lyrics: break up, break free, break through, break down // i’ll be getting over you my whole life // i thought the plane was goin’ down, how’d you turn it right around?

Notes: They’ve broken up, and it’s painful, but something happens that allows them to come together again.

💙 Sweet Nothing

Lyrics: all that you ever wanted from me was sweet nothin’ // i’m too soft for all of it

Notes: The intimacy of the connection is reestablished by the end of this chapter, but it is, despite the pretty words (sweet nothings, if you will) still showing a lack of action because he doesn’t want anything from her.

12: you’re demolishing me

This chapter shows the fighting she is doing for the relationship, to her own detriment. The emotional distance has morphed into emotional negligence and a lack of commitment. This results in a deep loneliness.

Renegade

Lyrics: let all your damage damage me // is it really your anxiety that stops you from giving me everything? Or do you just not want to? // do you know you’re demolishing me? // open the blinds let me see your face

🩶My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys

Lyrics: you should have seen him when he first got me // i’m queen of sandcastles he destroys // cause it fit too right // he saw forever so he smashed it up // once i fix me, he’s gonna miss me // the sickest army doll // my boy only breaks his favorite toys

💙 You’re Losing Me

Lyrics: you say “i don’t understand” and i say “i know you don’t” // how can you love someone you can’t tell is dying? // now i just sit in the dark and wonder if it’s time // mendin’ all her gashes, you might just have dealt the final blow // you’re losing me // my heart won’t start anymore // i sent you signals // i know my pain is such an imposition // fighting in only your army // don’t you ignore me // do something! // i wouldn’t marry me either

Notes: This song touches on all the lingering themes: the lack of understanding (similar to exile), the wounds she’s obtained, the fighting she’s doing, and the lack of commitment and attention from her partner.

💙 Dear Reader

Lyrics: never take advice from someone who is falling apart // walking to a house, not a home, all alone, ‘cause nobody’s there // fourth drink in my hand

🩶 I Hate It Here

Lyrics: tell me something awful like you are a poet trapped inside the body of a finance guy // i hate it here // all you’ll ever be is my eternal consolation prize // now i’m too scared to go outside // the night i felt like i might die // this place made me feel worthless // i will go to secret gardens in my mind

Notes: The loneliness culminates in self-hatred where the only relief is in her mind, leading nicely into Guilty as Sin? and the fantasies there. We also have the image of him being a “consolation prize” which was previously seen in willow.

13: he was with her in dreams

This chapter shows how the deep loneliness impacts the narrator, feeling trapped and stuck in the relationship, and how the only way to feel alive is to think of another person. At the same time, the other party is entertaining their own indiscretions.

🩶 Guilty as Sin?

Lyrics: drownin’ in the blue nile // my boredom’s bone-deep, this cage was once just fine // am i allowed to cry? // i dream of cracking locks, throwin’ my life to the ocean rocks // i keep recalling things we never did // how can i be guilty as sin? // what if he's written "mine" on my upper thigh only in my mind

🩶 Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me

Lyrics: the who’s who of “who’s that”? // my bare hands paved their paths // you don’t get to tell me about sad // if you wanted me dead you should have just said // the scandal was contained // the bullet had just grazed // you caged me // put narcotics into all of my songs // crash the party like a record scratch // who's afraid of little old me? you should be

Notes: Several themes are contrasted between these two songs from The Tortured Poets Department: the couple’s individual sadness, the secondary party, and feeling caged; this all leading to anger. The scandal in question is likely cheating. The lyrics here also seem to threaten her songwriting as retaliation (her songs could crash his metaphorical party)

🧡 Father Figure

Lyrics: i saw a change in you, my dear boy, they don’t make loyalty like they used to // who covered up your scandals? // you'll be sleeping with the fishes before you know you're drowning // find your card cancelled // you pulled the wrong trigger

Notes: From The Life of a Showgirl, here the scandal is also mentioned in Father Figure, and the threats continue...

🩶 Fresh Out The Slammer

Lyrics: fresh out the slammer // he don’t understand me // silent dinners, bitter, he was with her in dreams // gray and blue and fights and tunnels // years of labor, locks and ceilings // in the shade of how he was feeling // watched me daily disappearing // get the matches

Notes: The threat is realized and the narrator leaves the relationship. The existing issues are brought up again: the bitter distance, the caged feeling, the impact of his feelings having more weight than hers, the other woman, and the man she runs off to.

14: old habits die screaming

This chapter explores, in this relationship with multiple previous breakups, how the other person still lingers in the narrator’s mind. It would be so easy to go back to the person as they’ve done it before. Their emotions are not consistent between one moment and the next.

🩶 The Black Dog

Lyrics: pierce new holes in my heart // i don’t understand how you don’t miss me // but she's too young to know this song // now i want to sell my house and set fire to all my clothes // tail between your legs you’re leaving // old habits die screaming

Notes: There is a slight connection between setting fire to clothes and getting the matches in Fresh Out The Slammer. We also see the “she” return here.

🩶 imgonnagetyouback

Lyrics: you’ll find that you were never not mine // i’ll make you think twice // act like i don’t care what you did // i might just love you to the end // push the rest button, we’re becomin’ something new // say you got somebody, i'll say i got someone too // we broke all the pieces, but still wanna play the game // told my friends i hate you, but i love you just the same // i’m gonna get you back

🩶 loml

Lyrics: who’s gonna stop us from waltzing back into rekindled flames if we know the steps anyway? // i can’t get out of bed

🩶 I Look in People’s Windows

Lyrics: i had died the tiniest death // i look in people’s windows // they have their friends over to drink nice wine // does it feel alright to not know me?

Notes: There’s a nice progression here from not being able to get out of bed to at least being able to look in other people’s windows. “Does it feel alright to not know me?” echoes similar sentiments from The Black Dog’s lyric “I don’t understand how you don’t miss me.”

15: we hereby conduct this post-mortem

There is a search for clarity in these songs - the feelings are less in the moment and less volatile. Though, a sad sort of acceptance and a lingering anger is present. It also feels like they need to explain it to the other party who doesn’t seem to comprehend why they left (or why they haven’t come back). This is symptomatic of all the emotional distance that was present in the relationship. These songs reference back the themes of the other chapters.

🩶 How Did It End?

Lyrics: we hereby conduct this post-mortem // my beloved ghost and me, sitting in a tree, D YI N G // fell victim to interlopers' glances // but i still don’t know, how did it end? // he was a hothouse flower to my outdoorsman // we learned the steps to different dances

🩶 So Long, London

Lyrics: pulled him in tighter each time he was drifting away // stopped trying to drill the safe // how much sad did you think i had? // you’ll find someone // i didn't opt in to be your odd man out // my white knuckle dying grip // you sacrificed us to the gods of your bluest days // i died on the altar waiting for the proof // just how low did you think i’d go before i’d self-implode, before i’d have to go be free

Notes: We get another reference to the lack of commitment from him with "i died on the altar waiting for the proof" and how his sadness always overshadowed their relationship. This was previously visited in You’re Losing Me and Renegade.

🩶 Peter

Lyrics: we both did the best we could do underneath the same moon in different galaxies // said you were gonna grow up, then you were gonna come find me // i let the lamp burn // please know that i tried to hold on to the days when you were mine // but the woman who sits by the window has turned out the light

16: after you

The narrator, while still in pain, begins to look forward.

🩶 The Prophecy

Lyrics: thought i caught lightning in a bottle, oh, but it’s gone again // don’t want money, just someone who wants my company // but even statues crumble if they’re made to wait // i’m so afraid i sealed my fate, no sign of soulmates // change the prophecy

🤎 happiness

Lyrics: all the years i’ve given is just shit we’re dividing up // i haven’t met the new me yet // there’ll be happiness after you // honey, when i’m above the trees i see it for what it is // leave it all behind // now my eyes leak acid rain

🧡 The Fate of Ophelia

Lyrics: i might have drowned in the melancholy // all that time i sat alone in my tower // you dug me out of my grave and saved my heart from the fate of ophelia // ophelia lived in fantasy // but love was a cold bed full of scorpions // the venom stole her sanity

Notes: Here is another reference to past sadness and the “cage” that was her home. The line about living in fantasy calls back to Guilty As Sin? and I Hate It Here.

🧡 Opalite

Lyrics: I had a bad habit of missing lovers past // i thought my house was haunted, i used to live with ghosts // sleepless in the onyx night, now the sky is opalite // you had to make your own sunshine

Notes: The bad habits in this song references the “old habits die screaming” of The Black Dog and how difficult it is to let go of a past lover. But she moves on, and is able to find her own sunshine. In these last two songs, we see how the problems in this relationship informs what is valued in the new, healthier one.

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