I came home, and i suddenly starts crying, i don’t know why.
maybe it’s stress that’s building inside of me.
or maybe it’s because i have no clue what’s the point of working so hard anyways, when i never intended to do all of these for myself.
i never work hard for myself, it was always for someone, some friends, some other people. Well at least that was i have been thinking the whole time. If i work hard, i will have a nice future, then my other half won’t need to worry about anything because I would have already had everything in control. Then, i start to worry myself, worry that what i do is not enough, worry that nothing is going to work out, worry that in the end it was just me hoping for a nice ending like fairytales. I am tired.
I feel that i keep crying so much now, and i hate it, i was never like that. well at least not when i was a kid. I would suck it up and cry alone, i won’t complain, i won’t tell anyone about my crying, it was always myself.
But then, i started relying on someone else, i opened myself to my friends, my other half, I was happy, i felt relief that I finally am willing to be vulnerable to be my “true” self. I felt accepted and loved.
Now though, I regret it, my vulnerability and my tears turned into something that i hate, i hate it, because no one understands anymore. I hate that i can’t even control my own tears, i can’t hide it, i felt the need to tell someone or be “honest” about it. In the end, i feel that the tears are no longer something beautiful but ugly, i feel that me crying has turned into something that no one would understand. I never chose to cry, i never chose to worry, i never chose to feel stressed, i never chose to feel angry. It might seem like an excuse i am making, but it’s not.
I try my best to understand others don’t I? I try my best to love others don’t I? I try my best to work hard in everything I do don’t I? How come no one notice that? Is it because I am born in a good family, I never have dramatic past, that no one is willing to understand or assumes “that’s how i should behave” because there are so many things that other people suffer about and i didn’t have to.
I always try my best to be understanding, and loving, and accepting, everything I care about was never for my own benefit.
I really really really tried my best especially this year, i tried my best to change, i tried my best to fix all the crap about myself. And i am so tired.
