Life...it sucks a big fat PRICK.
When I first got on Tumblr, I had my future worked out in my head.
“The Big Nothing”, I called it.
(Divorce finally when both kids were graduated and on their way out of the house, me getting a really shitty cheap ass apartment or even just renting a room, working every day then coming home to my microwave dinner and loneliness, hoping the kids visited me sometimes or asked me to visit them. Alone for the rest of my life. Till one day I ceased to exist and someone down the apt building hall smelled something and discovered my rotting body.)
Then I met “what’s his face” here. I accidentally let myself feel things again after being numbed up for quite a while. He didn’t feel things. But we got closer than most people get to someone in their lifetimes.
I spent 15 days with him over the course of 4 visits. Had sex with him about 35 times. And couldn’t stop myself from loving him more and more, knowing I was too ugly for him to love me. I thought I’d be fine with that. Giving love and knowing not to expect any back. But in the end, I’m not. It sucks.
He did pretend and keep me stringing along for the past almost 3 years though. He’d say just enough and play with words to make it seem like there was the slightest hope. But there never was. And I knew that all along. But...hope. Hope is a four letter word. Just like love. And fuck. And evil. And shit. And crap...... Hope IS evil. It can take the most impossible thing and make you believe “But WHAT IF....???”. It’s evil. It’s illogical. And it’s plain fucking stupid. But there’s always that “What if.....” in the back of your mind. Laughing at you as it too, keeps you stringing along. (Hope must be a guy! Haha.)
He led me to believe that there was a good chance that he would sell his home, pack his life and transfer his job to come be with me. (I have family who I’m close to here and wouldn’t leave. He doesn’t.) He told me this plan out of the blue. I didn’t ask for it. He said it. Suprised me and made the hope in my head go even crazier. Even though I told him he was just saying that to keep me hoping. Keep me stroking his ego because no one else does.
So now all I could do all day was imagine life with him. I daydreamed more daydreams than I have in my entire life, for about 6 months, waiting for this all to fall into place.
I kept my marriage open and started getting my kids used to the idea of this guy. Still knowing it probably wouldn’t happen, but he really did give me more than “what if”, so I went for it. I started the long, hard, painful journey to ending my marriage for good finally. I was in this. I was going to go through the pain and hardship to get to the ultimate goal of happiness in the end. (Knowing still that he wouldn’t love me...but for once, I’d be with someone I was happy with! I could still give him all my love and not expect any back, as long as he was a great companion to me and took care of me as I treated him like a king.)
But...when things got to the point of “Ok, it’s time...it can happen now”, he pulled the rug. Did a complete 180. Acted like we needed time and we have to see if we’d get along, etc....(that visit I made to him? That was supposed to be a “fact finding mission” to make sure we got along at home, and not just at hotels for 2 days.)
In other words....he was still in love with his baby mama who has traumatized his life and his 7 year old daughter’s life, along with everyone else’s life she comes in contact with, even her own two boys she abandoned in another country when they were around 10 or 12. Why he loves this woman, NO ONE can ever understand. But she’s supposedly pretty. So there’s no explanation needed beyond that. I’m not pretty. So no matter that I have treated him better in the 15 days I was with him, than she has in the entire 8 or so years he’s known her...that doesn’t matter. She LOOKS good. THAT matters. Because he has said over and over that he won the lottery by knowing me. That I’m everything he wants in life...except how I look. (He’d admit that, yes.)
So. All you who I’ve talked to and you’ve said “Don’t sell yourself short...you’re being too hard on yourself”, etc etc etc....and I’ve told you that you couldn’t understand it unless you lived it...
I’m everything he wants in a partner.
So he goes for the human monster that is his baby mama. (The stories...you wouldn’t believe if I told you. She’s a monster in a human female form.)
So now he acts neutral. He doesn’t respond to anything about my feelings or us or anything anymore. He’s just my friend. I continue being his friend because I still love him and can’t fucking stop. So I need him in my life. It’s torture and it’s bad for me, like right now this weekend, he’s visiting her. (to see his daughter, he claims to everyone...but everyone knows that it’s HER he’s truly there for. His daughter comes a far far FAR second to HER. It’s pathetic. He hurts his daughter constantly, in order to please her mama. So sad. And she’ll grow up to hate him for it. But don’t listen to me! I’m ugly and fat!) So right now, I’m suffering because he’s there. Fucking her. Enjoying every glance he gets of her. As she openly uses him, mistreats him and manipulates him into stringing along because he pays for and does everything for her entire life. “For his daughter”. Lol. Hey, I didn’t say he was sane!! So yeah. It’s not good for me to continue having him in my life now. It’s more pain than I can bear. But I can’t stop! I’ve become him and he is my HER!
So now, I hate life more than before I came to Tumblr because I KNOW, it has been confirmed 100%, that I’m unlovable. And that there is no one for me in this life. There never was. I was created to be used, lied to, gaslighted and to be lonely whether I was with someone or not. I know that now. Therefore I will never try again. I will never let myself get close to or love someone again. I’m a month away from 48, so luckily there’s not that much time left. But yet still too much. I want it over NOW. I’m done. I’ve had enough. (No, I’m not going anywhere on purpose...calm down. But I am wishing I’d be released from this HELL called life asap.)
So yeah. That’s what I’ve been up to lately.
I had a good time visiting him and I’d stupidly do it again. But as she dates and fucks many many men and gets boyfriends who don’t give her narcissist self what she wants this instant and dumps them, she also controls who or if HE dates! And he lets her. Lol. She doesn’t like me because I’m a threat to her money/favor man. (Her literal sugar daddy!) So she say NO. He’s not allowed to see me. And that’s that!! (You’re seeing less and less sanity here, aren’t you! Yeah. Me too. But without her, he’d be a normal fucking guy! That’s the killer part!!)
So here I am. My husband is looking desperately for love, thinking I have it with Northco308. Lol. He doesn’t believe me that I have NOTHING! He continues to drink himself silly. And the kids are in limbo because I was all but out of this marriage...except I couldn’t afford to leave. I can’t afford life on my own. I make $1200 a month on a good month. I have the social and professional skills of a rock and my anxiety gets worse and worse weekly. I could live in my car, no problem. But my daughter is still a minor. So I suffer here in this house, so she can live as normal as possible till she moves out.
When I came here, my Big Nothing seemed so far away. It was in 5 years. Now, it’s under 2 years away. And I’m sadder and more hopeless than I’ve ever been in my entire life.
I’m destroyed. Ruined. Hopeless. Worthless. And just pain exhausted from breathing.
I can’t even cam anymore. I don’t have it in me. I’m not sexy. I’m way fatter than before. And I’m tired of being used and fake liked for my free tits and vagina shots. (It was fun though.)
I keep thinking I’ll delete this blog but it’s where I met the love of my life. Emphasis on the word “MY” life. It’s kind of a shrine now I come back to sometimes to peek at. I still have my favorite people’s conversations on here too. I was part of something for a while. It was fun. It was an eacape from my agony of breathing every day. So I’ll keep it here. Stop in sometimes. And I’ll HOPE, even though I don’t want to hope, because it’s the biggest let down in life, that things will get better. How? Lol....I don’t fucking have a clue. No wonderful guys is gonna come save me. Northco308’s not gonna suddenly see the error of his ways and come scoop me up into his arms and spend his life with me.
But fucking hope. It never goes away. Even when you want it to.
So I guess I’ll keep hoping. Until my last, lonely breath.
