personal

a personal blog with my thoughts and feelings, that is all

[iliketocry]

I don't need compliments or any approval to feel like I'm successful

[iliketocry]

honestly I’m not really into all that nice supportive bullshit. just step up and take care of yourself.

[iliketocry]

why do i always meltdown with people. like i literally cannot handle when someone doesn’t meet whatever expectation i have for them or if they choose someone over me or if i’m not priority number one. that has been my reaction since i was a kid. i can literally call a specific time in elementary school when i was sad after i heard my brother and my best friend talking about me with the door closed. i hid in my house for two hours because i didn’t want to see them. and at the same time while i’m sad/mad i just want the other person to talk to me and to acknowledge me and talk to me or send me a text or call me or come after me. why do i do this, i always do this

i think whenever i pick friends i’m claiming them. they’re my friend, i chose them, they are devoted to me. 

sometimes i feel like this is how i act towards my friends. i am loyal i am the on sending the text or making things better or hoping they don’t hate me or just trying anyway to make it better and to get back to the happy equilibrium 

[iliketocry]

it sucks to know I'll never have what straight people get to have

[iliketocry]

things are strange but fine at the same time. i still have a lot of questions that i should ask. it's weird I'm asking be im curious but also the answers help me think too

[iliketocry]

I’m a 21 year old virgin partly out of choice partly out of fear. I want someone so badly and I’ve never felt like that before

I feel like I'm missing out on a part of my life that I want to exist

[iliketocry]

are you ever in love with boy but boy don't love you back :-( wah!!!

[iliketocry]

I feel like having a significant other is so engrained in me that not having one would just mean a meaningless life no matter what I do/accomplish. I want someone to love me so fully

[iliketocry]

So I've finally learned and realized and accepted that I am depressed and have been for a majority of my life. And anxiety too.

[iliketocry]

god fucking dammit man. God fucking dammit. I got fucked up. Didn’t think it was real but being drunk and in denial is hard thing

[iliketocry]

no but sometimes i'm a jackass to the people i like and that is bad!!!

[iliketocry]

going through my old posts and i feel like such an idiot about every thing. every single thing. i'm so stupid i can't i don't understand how stupid i could be i have an intelligence deficiency i am honestly one of the dumbest people i know i can't even fathom how stupid i am it's incredible 

[iliketocry]

so all my friendships have gone to shit and i have the dobie kids now and that's basically it fuck everyone also i'm taking molly tonight and i wish i had someone that i could tell and they would be excited for me but sadly no friends

[iliketocry]

whenever people lose friends they always seem to get really invigorated about doing new things meeting new people and hanging out with others which is good ya know it's so much better than being sad about losing someone 

[iliketocry]

why am i such a loser lol

[iliketocry]

april called me ky yesterday and hagen called me ky right now and my heart just fels so happy i have the biggest grin on my face it's just so nice that they call me that

[iliketocry]

why am i so fucking sad why can't i just be happy why can't people just want me around why can't people just be drawn to me why can't i meet someone who wants to be my friend why do the things that i want the most seem to completely avoid my life