[illusionswithinthemist]

One of the biggest things I struggle with on hormones is the loss of strength when competing in sport. I have always done cycling to a reasonably high level and to see that performance slowly slip away is always a big hit to the motivation. The endurance stays there but I have definitely noticed a decent drop in power and that's not even on a high dose. Power numbers I could easily hit before are much more of a struggle now.

Dont get me wrong the benefits of hormones in terms of body changes and mindfulness obviously outweigh that but it doesn't mean its not a hard pill to swallow.

[illusionswithinthemist]

Started a low dose of hormones again for about the billionth time. Let's see if it continues this time.

[illusionswithinthemist]

Sigh

Ughh I wish the dysphoria would just end. I try to bury it so deep but it always surfaces. All I can think about is transitioning and being on hormones again but I have found myself in a 2 year relationship with my girlfriend and we live together. She wouldn't accept it so I feel so torn.

[illusionswithinthemist]

Still here fumbling my way through life.

[illusionswithinthemist]

I’m back because i need a place to write. I wish things in life were easier to decipher. I hate not knowing what I want. Was cutting off my hair a bad idea? Am I just pretending to be someone I’m not?

[illusionswithinthemist]

Acceptance

I woke up this morning and I think I have finally accepted that I’m not going to commit to transitioning. All of my previous posts were long the lines of I’m just going to be like screw it and transition but I have spent the last month weighing everything up a lot. I just know that deep down inside i’m never going to be satisfied with the person I become and so there’s not much point irreversibly changing myself for some semblance of happiness.

Yes I will still battle through dysphoria but I’m hoping this acceptance will help me cope with it and that I can finally close this door and just get on with my life. I’m going out Saturday night presenting female as one last hoorah and i’ll probably keep elements of my feminine lifestyle but for the most part, i’m going to close the door on this chapter of my life.

I might keep this blog around for a bit longer but I don’t think I will post much (Not that I did before). This blog served its purpose as an outlet for me so thank you to all those people I made connections with.

So long and good luck

H xx

[illusionswithinthemist]

Why do people I make friends with over here just end up falling in love with me? I even started chatting with someone who was going through similar to what I'm going through and it's been really nice but it's the same again. I'm not trying to sound up myself but it's happened twice now and all I want to do is make some good friends with people 😭

[illusionswithinthemist]

TV and Movie Genre Avoidance

I have recently noticed that i subconsciously avoid watching teen dramas or generally girly movies and it's taken me weirdly a while to realise this. I figured out that its not because I don't enjoy them but ultimately because it triggers my dysphoria an unbelievably large amount. I look at them and its a stark reminder of what I'm missing out on or have missed out on in my life by living as the wrong gender. I know it can often be a super hyperinflated view of reality but the general underlying crux of it is still similar.

On the flipside I can get through Rom Coms but I think that's because the feeling of loving someone is a universal feeling that everyone experiences.

I don't know if other people have experienced similar but it's just one of those strange things that I have noticed lately.

[illusionswithinthemist]

It's been good to visit Australia again to see family but I'm also so excited to get back to London. As soon as I arrive back there I'm napping and then heading out to Heaven that night. I'm planning to go en femme as well which I'm super keen for even tho I'll be super jetlagged!

[illusionswithinthemist]

Happy New Year everyone! I hope 2019 is kind and prosperous to all of you lovely people 😊

[illusionswithinthemist]

I continuously make large gestures that I can't afford because I'm too nice.

[illusionswithinthemist]

I'm back visiting family in Aus and everyone has commented that they really like my long hair. It's nice to have that validation. On a side note dysphoria has been shitty lately and I keep jumping from wanting to transition to being so unsure about it all.

[illusionswithinthemist]

I'm the drunk who washes the dishes at 3am in the morning

[illusionswithinthemist]

I'm seriously considering just cutting my hair, finding a girlfriend and getting on with my life. I'm really over this inbetween phase. Will probably do so tomorrow.

[illusionswithinthemist]

Soooo I slept with my housemate last night...probably not the smartest thing to do lol

[illusionswithinthemist]

I got a promotion at work that kicks in from January. Tempted to treat myself to some makeup 🤔

[illusionswithinthemist]

Dating Conundrums

Can we just discuss the dynamic of dating different sexualities/genders? I know i have touched on this before but im going to rehash.

I find dating gay guys so different and not in a good way? Literally most of the guys I talk to end up being so needy emotionally and so insecure that they need constant affirmation. It's like painfully needy tho. It doesn't help that I want to be the more femine one in the relationship either. Straight acting guys are so much better but are hard to find. Can I just have me a big strong man to love me?

I find dating cis girls better because I don't feel they are as painfully needy in that way or it's a different needy or maybe I just feel more dominant with girls and I hate being dominant with guys so maybe it's because of that.  I don't know but it always seems better.

I have never dated a trans girl/guy so I can't really comment on that side but I dont have any issues with giving it a shot.

Either way I struggle to date in general because if I date a girl I feel like I'm cheating her out of having a relationship with a guy and the same if I was to date a gay guy. Can the universe be kind and just send me someone who doesn't care where I end up on the gender spectrum?