This is how I see It

Illustrious Endeavors

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How I’m Feeling

I find myself lately really feeling depressed and tired.

With my recent repetitive use injury and still grieving my bother passing away a few years ago I feel I have reason to be this way.

I am sad that I don't feel I will ever go farther than where I am in my current career. I feel that no one sees my potential. Also on the flip side of that , maybe I have no potential.

I am either to loud and obnoxious giving my opinions to others – which really are just normal opinions. But I'm a woman and a fat woman as well.

I feel like sometimes in the professional world I can't win. When I was prettier, younger and fitter , I was seen as stupid, apparently I didn't take anything seriously.

Now that I am older and fatter I feel like I'm seen as unprofessional or to opinionated. Not what they are looking for . Men that are newly hired to the company with no more credentials than I are given more opportunity.

I've gained weight due to many things- genetics, grief, car accident back injury, desk job, emotional eater. I am surprised by how I am treated now. I feel like I went from being a sex object. Where at least I got some attention from people even if it was negative. To being unimportant and ignored. Someone who could do admin not sales. Now don't get me wrong. I am not making excuses for my being fat. I am merely stating how I came to feel the way I do- both physically and mentally. I do not owe anyone an excuse for how I am.

As I am no longer shiny and young enough to be excited about everything after working in a company for eight years I am seen as being “unenthusiastic.”

I feel drained, exhausted, overloaded with work and at the same time bored out of my mind. While feeling physically pained all the time . I notice wrinkles under my eyes that have just formed this year. A walking zombie as due to pain it is hard for me to sleep.

I can understand also that no one wants a damaged employee. Someone tired and sad.

I think it's important to note that most people become more damaged from work. If work wasn't so demanding it would be easier to deal with all of life's hiccups a little better.

Instead we are told to just get back to work . This leaves no real time for you mentally or emotionally recover from anything anymore.

These people end up being seen as problems. Demonized for needing time away, because they are halting production.

Middle class people work harder than they used to 51% more productive than they used to be , however they have only seen pay increased of 3% in many, many years.

I stay at my job because I don't know where else  I will have such a good medical plan that I will be able to deal with my injuries- partly from this job. I stay because I am afraid to leave, even though it causes me a lot of stress and feelings of worthlessness. I stay because I have excuses that I cannot overcome right now.

I am still not better, and I don't know if I ever will be. If I'll ever fully recover mentally or emotionally from the things I have been through. At this point in time I just feel exhausted and I don't know how to fix it. I've gone to many practitioners and continue to. Got a fit bit and increased my exercise, attempt to eat well. Without proper sleep due to pain I feel like a wreck half the time.

Next time you see a woman that isn't smiling and cheery the way you think she ought to be, try thinking of her a a multi -dimensional human who has a life and more important things to worry about than smiling for you when her life may be crumbling. Fuck you and fuck your ridiculous expectations.

Fuck that everyone has to be cheery and pretend they are ok when they clearly are not. Fuck this bull shit society that makes all pretend we are ok when we aren't.

[illustriousendeavorscorp-blog]

#hopless #sad #currentmood #allthefeels #poem

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#mathproblems #life #shadesofgray #lifeproblems #overcoming #choices

[illustriousendeavorscorp-blog]

The Really Sick Side of Sickness- When Productivity takes a Backseat

Have you ever been treated unfairly ? Has anyone ever made you feel unimportant ? Hurt your feelings? Had zero empathy when you were having a shit time?

Have you been the person to treat others unfairly? Not able to see someone else' point of view and assume they are just lazy and don't want to do activities or work? It's only lazy people that just don't want to work isn't it?

I have always been somewhat healthy person. Yes I've dealt with extreme stress as most people in today's society do. I have an injury from a car accident that makes life less enjoyable for me. But it has always been manageable.   I could work despite pain, I could function. I was still independent. I know that people don't want to hear about illness or hear 'excuses “ about why people can't do things because it is an inconvenience to them. “What do you mean you can't come to work sick?” What about numbers and productivity? The thing we all have hard ons for... money and that oh so important productivity ….the thing no one should get in the way of. The thing that is more important than humans and their humanity. Our labor  laws in Canada are absolute shit, I will add. ( I don't give a fuck for your catty replies saying it is better than a lot of other countries. It is still not good enough for how hard I work and the taxes I pay. Just because I am not called a slave does not mean it is a good system .)

In Canada your employer has the right to tell you to come in – even if you are sick. They do not owe you sick days, paid or unpaid. A decent company that wants to retain decent employees will normally have some type of paid or unpaid sick day policy... get close to the limit of that policy and you will see what happens. I read an article recently that I fully agreed with . It stated that a very real issue in the work force was not absenteeism, but rather presentee-ism. Where a person is afraid to miss work due to an illness or even the common flue or cold. Instead we praise hard working troopers who take one for the team and come to work not matter what. That's what we value most- cash and productivity. Not that person's need for rest and recovery. Not the fact they will spread germs and cause others to get sick. That when you are sick you aren't as on top of things as you should be and you will most likely make mistakes... that you or someone else will correct later...

Now why you are asking is this relevant? I recently had to go on leave from work due to a repetitive use injury. I was shocked by the way I was treated through my ordeal... it made me realize how much worse people with sever pain and disabilities must be treated on a constant. How no one listens or is sympathetic enough... and they don't have to be because as soon as you are no longer productive you are no longer valuable. You are considered an inconvenience and drain on others. We are all worried we will seem weak for complaining , weak for needing time off.

I did not take more than a few sick days off when I was in a car accident, I did not take any time off when I had pneumonia. I took two weeks  off when my brother passed away and then I was back to work. I have worked with my repetitive use injury for a long time assuming it would be the same.  Not even registering mentally that it was anything more than an annoyance. That I would bounce back and be fine. That I just needed Advil and to rest for the weekend.

Waking up one morning I realized I was not able to blow dry my hair or lift my arms in the air...I had asked at work repeatedly for at least six months to a year for a keyboard tray for my desk. It was forgotten time and time again by both my managers and the facilities staff. Small excuses or no follow up. I had tried to be assertive without being a bitch... being a bitch isn't hard when you are a woman, all you need to do is stand up for yourself.

My Doctor didn't seem to think it was serious and I got a lot of push from him to go back to work over the few months that I was off. Doing anything put me into agony.

Dealing with Insurance coverage was terrible. They were not sympathetic in any way. Treated me as though I was not sick. Inferred that I did not want work, blatantly lied to me. Would not send me important forms that needed to be filled out by medical professionals, would not request records on my behalf....

I was so stressed I had to seek counseling during my ordeal. A luxury many people do not have. Again I am in no way saying that I have had a worse time than anyone else. This is merely my experience and my disgust with how I was treated. Again as I was not able to make money and be productive I was not treated with respect. If you have been through an illness, injury, mental health issue , chronic pain or are terminally ill than you understand this completely and probably have quite a story of your own.

When reading about my condition symptoms , repetitive use I read a few things that bothered me. It said flat out in many cases women with repetitive use injuries aren't listened to and are not believed. They are seen as lazy hypochondriacs. I mentioned this to my female acupuncturist. She said that when taking the Acupuncture course statistics quoted in the course itself that middle aged, educated women were the people that sought treatment the most. We both found this interesting due to the fact that it is common especially for women, not to have anyone take them seriously. I have spoken with a lot of women over the last few months who have had serious health concerns that were over looked by Health Care professionals. Yes I know that this can happen to anyone and that it is a flawed system, however it really isn't acceptable. No matter who you are you deserve to be treated with respect and listened to. Canada's Health care system is extremely lacking as are it labor laws.

My point in writing this is not to say that everything is wrong and that I am mad. Although it certainly was my motivation for writing this. It's to say that just because you can't do everything, it doesn't mean you can't do anything. When someone tells you they have been injured or are being mistreated due to illness by their work or an insurance company be sympathetic. Show them that you care and that they deserve to recover and rest. Kind words and simple emotional support can go a long way. Just because you have never been injured or suffered an illness does not mean it cannot happen to you. I felt a lot of guilt being away from work and assumed everyone just thought that I was being lazy and didn't want to work. Pain can made people very emotional. I felt like my Insurance Company was treating me like I was crazy and that I couldn't possibly still be sick. They were counting on the fact that a lot of people live paycheck to paycheck and will have no choice but to go back and work while ill just to make ends meet. I think illness is something there is actually a lot of stigma around. No one really wants to hear about it . People want to always hear something positive. I mean not to positive. They don't want to hear that you are doing better than them, but they don't want to be brought down by your complaining. My brother was ill for many years and I did not understand what a stigma he faced with his illness and how people did not have a lot of sympathy.

So I challenge you instead of thinking less of someone that is having an issue with their health or categorizing them as “lazy” or cutting in on your productivity, think of them as a fellow human who isn't perfect and who could use some sympathy. It's also important to remember that a lot of illnesses cannot be seen. They are invisible to you, it doesn't mean that they are not real. Corporations are evil and only care about money. They don't care about the average person. If you become ill, they won't care much about you either. You are just a number to them . We are all more than the job we do and the money we make. If you do not believe that then you are part of the problem and not the solution.