my online diary

how strange it is to be anything at all

[im-so-gay-help]

I bet it bothers you that even at my weakest, I am still stronger than you

[im-so-gay-help]

midnight and your voice

[im-so-gay-help]

Stuff I’ve been feeling lately #31

Of all the people

My heart could have chosen,

It decided on a boy

Who didn’t have enough room in his heart

To love someone like me

[im-so-gay-help]

Stuff I’ve been feeling lately #30

Why do photographers and poets love fleeting things?

Angled shafts of sunlight piercing a mass of clouds

A rainbow flashing off a dragonfly’s wings

Water drops beading like shards of glass

The fluttering shape of a sycamore’s shade

The sun sinking into its reflection

A fire producing long tendrils of smoke

The curve of a finger reaching for perfection

Whatever churns, bursts, rocks, flies,

Foams, flickers, roils, evades

In pigments of impermanent dyes

We try to fix it before it fades

Once I mourned the endless dying

Of here and now, the present always past

Elegized each moment, sighing

Beauty is lost and can never last

But now I think I had it wrong

In fact, fleeting beauty appears faster than we react

At the speed of a daydream flashing by

All around, light coalesces into form

Form explodes into light

And we live lavishly inside this storm

If we learn to see it right

Beauty multiplies, tapering, swelling

Reshaping, reforming, once familiar, now strange

This gaudy blur in which we’re dwelling

Is the permanence of change

[im-so-gay-help]

Hey

Anyone wanna like just dm me and we can talk about deep shit and have some meaningful conversation or some lighthearted banter or books and movies or conspiracies. Just anything to get these thoughts that I haven’t had in almost a year out of my head.

[im-so-gay-help]

Mood Board #32

[im-so-gay-help]

Stuff I’ve been feeling lately #29

If I could wish for anything, yet only one thing

I would wish to make 7:12 am an act I could bless upon your body

The hope intertwined with the tangerine sky

and the excitement that lies beyond

A kiss that would make you glad to see the dawn

and eager to lay with me at dusk

[im-so-gay-help]

Mood Board #31

[im-so-gay-help]

Stuff I’ve been feeling lately #28

Losing touch with the warmth of life guiding light

Slow tendrils beckoning your every whisper and sigh of bliss

Coupled hope, unsolicited solitude

We danced beneath the moon and sang with wolves

The ancient songs of blackened souls and immortal love

We felt, but did not feel

The moon doesn’t burn the way your sun swallows matter

I exhale only useless thoughts, unable to feed your flames

Windless breathing, shallow thinking

I can’t pry my mouth open with clouded eyes and empty veins

My stars weren’t your sun and I never burnt long enough

Charred eyes and dark memories

Burning brighter than the sun

[im-so-gay-help]

Mood Board #30

[im-so-gay-help]

Mood Board #29

[im-so-gay-help]

Stuff I’ve been feeling lately #27

What reason do we have to be angry.

What reason do we have to curse the stars and all the threads that bind them.

Who’s fault apart from ours is it, that this is the hell we have placed ourselves amidst.

Every point in our lives, lying like a checkpoint, glowing like a streetlight in the dead of night.

At the feet of these warm, welcoming lights, there lays a crossroad.

And we foolish children feeble in heart and mind, fumble without a second thought.

We follow our hearts and they lead us into the deep, disgusting dark.

Adventure was the death of us, antagonizing.

Adventure was heartache, agony as evil wizards warped our words until we were weaning.

It wasn’t much later that the brazen beasts burdened our lives even more with ever more brutality.

Wolves hungry for the hearts of men, walking on their hind legs to better hinder us with horror.

This world is beautiful with wonder, but it’s wonders are like lights.

[im-so-gay-help]

Stuff I’ve been feeling lately #26

So much can happen in so little time but nothing ever does

I’m constantly waiting for something to happen

Secretly hoping to spontaneously combust

They’ll say, “she went out with a bang”

But I never will

Squeeze the thoughts from our heads until they’re no longer ours

Replicate our personas based on books we have read

Carve our names into each other’s hearts and call it a work of art

Rip the lungs from our chests and we’ll share the same breath

Nobody wants to be alone

Lock and load your eyes on what you have become

Boost our egos on our social networking as if that’s a claim to fame

Mirror your image in the perfect reflection and we’ll all forget our flaws

Photoshop, edit, click-and-drop, we’ll all be Barbie dolls

Sucked into the latest trend, we forgot to make a name

I’ve heard that the goal in life isn’t to live forever, but to create something that will

They’ll say “she created a masterpiece”

But I never will

[im-so-gay-help]

I wasn’t born to be soft and quiet, I was born to rattle the stars

im-so-gay-help

[im-so-gay-help]

Mood Board #28

[im-so-gay-help]

Stuff I’ve been feeling lately #25

You always think that I’m sad

Or mad

But perhaps

It’s just that when I’m with you

Your spirit is too loud

And I’m tired of listening

Sitting in torture while you

Burst with pride and opinions and stupidity

I think I may soon explode

And when that happens

The quiet shy girl

Who you thought you knew

Will transform into fire

And burn everything in its path

[im-so-gay-help]

Mood Board #27