Hi, Im Tremel.

Running from my feelings & Writing to cope

[remanence-of-love]

[remanence-of-love]

[im-tremel]

Star-Crossed

I am in love with the impossibility of Us; * Our home feels like warm cardamom, Our soul tie lifts spirits, Our story is a Pulitzer nominee.

We live in a modest home somewhere flat and take ridiculously long car rides to underwhelming views just to pretend Earth is our honeymoon location.

Our stories’ arcs aren’t documented like Allie and Noah, Our timing was a few hairs better than Rob and Talisa, Our souls old, Future new, Time borrowed, Limerence deep as the ocean is blue.

Our wedding’s reds fill Our new family’s glasses as they raise them in unison as though to say “we love your love”.

It may be for the best that our loves’ paths couldn’t cross, i don’t know that my heart could handle being our universe’s Rachel and Ross.

*Line borrowed from Lauren Eden

[im-tremel]

What's in my headphones

I walk in disappointment Shame is my cologne, I wake up and sigh ‘cause consciousness is not my home.

Self-awareness is a plague my brain’s been infected with since the first time my dad outed me as a narcissist.

It’s probably why I lie, Made me a social maven to hide the soft underbelly of my calloused heart.

Wrinkled and mangled enough to make Weird Barbie fly off shelves, My blood-pumping fist is overworked and underspaid, covered in soot and in need of a raise.

Hopefully it gets to retire early, Leave my soul’s suckers to find another blood bag to manipulate.

[im-tremel]

Hello

What do I do? I just want to be understood. I want someone who’s going to fight for me and I feel like she’s not willing to do that. I don’t know why. I feel unlovable or at least I don’t believe her when she says it. I’m trying so hard to be the best version of myself, I think? Build a better future that she’ll be proud to b a part of. Instead, we bicker over a tv show because I was triggered by her … existence? Her tone? Her … being? I’m not sure, but I have to do something to explore this more.

Writing brings me peace but I only turn to the page when something has gone wrong in my life. I’m not sure what’s more toxic…my relationship with myself, my writing, food or my partner. Nothing feels healthy. It all feels obsessive and no one but me seems to understand. Therapy is supposed to give me resolve and clarity, but all that it’s making me realize is that I’m unhappy. I don’t want to be unhappy anymore. I’m scared that I’ve grown comfortable in its shadow.

It’s a bit scary to have a bunch of nothing in my head and feel like I’m full of potential that wastes away with every second I’m not doing THIS.

But is that my outlet?

Do I want to start blogging?

Is that safe?

How will that affect my life?

My loved ones?

Do I even care?

Why do I?

When she tries to apologize, all I hear is “my bad; I got you next time.” I think I’m somewhat fed up with “next time” or “one day” but I don’t want to give up. She makes me happy. She makes me feel loved and I know she means everything she says. Where’s the follow through? What am I supposed to do when I feel like I’m talking to someone who can’t hear me? Does she hear me? Does she see me? What does she see? If it’s the same thing that I do, then there’s no way that she could ever truly love me. I’m impulsive, angry and I crave mental and emotional understanding. The way she looks at me, I feel like there’s nothing but fear and contempt behind her eyes. Is it meant for me? Someone else? Does it even matter? I have so many questions with so few answers and every day I have to wake up and search for the answers. The search is wearing me and those I love down.

---

Also … I miss [Redacted]. I really fucked that one up.

I’ll make them all proud; just need to determine if I’m worth being proud of.

---

I miss the night. I fear our relationship has come to an end. I like these little dates, though. We should do this more often <3

Dream, please,

tremel  

[zmwrites]

me, squinting at a main character: do you have zero personality or have i read this scene too many times?

[lapiz-nomada]

El brillo de sus ojos, como estrellas en la noche, ilumina su alma y su ser, un amor verdadero, sin esfuerzo.

-Ousía Poética

[poetry-siir]

[writingdotcoffee]

Read a thousand books, and your words will flow like a river.

Lisa See (via writingdotcoffee)

[remanence-of-love]

Sorry not sorry

Is it okay to say that my heart feels lighter without you? And that my mind is at peace without you here. Is it bad to say that I am better off when I’m alone? - Jolyna Divinagracia

[remanence-of-love]

[remanence-of-love]

[qvotable]

Be a lamp, or a lifeboat, or a ladder. Help someone’s soul heal.

Rumi (via qvotable)

[bnmxfld]

I used to build dreams about you.

F. Scott Fitzgerald / Benediction (via bnmxfld)

[qvotable]

Cause I’m gonna be free and I’m gonna be fine… maybe not tonight.

Florence + the Machine // Delilah (via qvotable)

[remanence-of-love]

[liberaljane]

💫 Don’t burn out, superstar. ✨

Art by Liberal Jane.