I'm a Choua

Receptionist. Be Inspired by the Little Things and Inspire Others. I Write about How I Feel and Paint the World with the Words I See.

[imachoua]

you

you are good. you are fine. you are safe. you make me feel good. you make me laugh. you make me feel safe. you make me want to be a better version of myself. but being me, one who overthinks, who oversees, who over-drinks, im just not sure if i am the right one for you at this point in your life. i told myself that i dont think it will work out, for i am afraid of what your thoughts will really reveal how you feel about me; someone who you thought you knew and liked but in reality, she is really selfish and careless. i like you. i want you to like me. i want to be that person who will be there for you. i want to be dependable. i want to be the first thing you think about when you wake up and the last thing you see when you fall asleep. i want to be the cause of that fuzzy feeling that you feel in your stomach when you get nervous and anxious. i want to be the person you call on when you have good news, bad news, or no news. i was afraid that i might fall to hard too quickly and yet that is exactly what i did. your smile, your eyes, the way you light up when you laugh, everything is just perfect. and now i am afraid that since i like you so much already, that you wont feel the same way about me. and if that is the case, it is fine. i wont be fine, but i will accept it and try to move on. i just think that you are an amazing person and that i want to be a part of your light or at least shine as bright as you. i think about how your lips would taste like, how your touch will feel like, how it will be when i become “your woman”. wont you just be honest with me? tell me how you feel and what runs through your mind. i want to hear it. all of it. your smallest worries to your biggest hopes and dreams. your biggest fears to your biggest accomplishments. i want to find out everything about you.

[imachoua]

love

So I just recently saw a video compilation of husbands getting real emotional when they see their bride walking down the aisle and it just made me think that that lady was the luckiest lady on earth. because the groom already feels like the luckiest guy on earth. to me, that says a lot.  and so i started thinking about me and the things that i want. i want to be cherished and reminded that i made the right choice in choosing the right partner to stand by my side. there are a lot of things in life that the heart desires and i know that i wont be able to get everything that i wish, but if i could throw all those desires away and just get him... i would not even hesitate. i’ll know that i would be the happiest girl alive because i know that there is someone there that is willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy. in life, people talk about wanting things like money, property, sex, etc. but all that does not have meaning if there is no one there to support you 100% of the way. so to my future husband wherever you are, i will wait patiently and do my best to be surprised when you show up at my door because when that day comes, i will know that it’s you even if you don’t know. 

[imachoua]

empty

The way you carry yourself the way your eyes light up when you speak; is so infatuating that I just want you all to myself. you have this finesse that is so alluring and captivating that sometimes I can’t even speak, can’t even think, and all I could do is move my face towards your face. how you carry me on the dance floor. how you guided me with your hips. your gaze when you look at me as if i'm the only girl that has ever mattered to you. disappointed that i cannot control my own feelings yet thrilled at the fact that you are able to make me feel this way. and now i am left feeling empty as i stare at your back as you walk away. why do i fall so hard? so fast? i was so busy staring at you that i had forgotten to look where i am falling and before i knew it, i am already on the floor, unable to move. immobilized by my stupidity and lack of awareness. you were so mesmerizing, that i became careless. and now, i sit here, wandering when i will be able to see your face again.

[mingdliu-deactivated20210422]

What is it like to have someone who knows your body better than you do your own, to have this person trace their finger down your spine and when they whisper three words you feel every hair on your body stick up in response, with the shivers going all the way into your heart and somewhere in your soul. What is it like to feels someone’s burning touch while they are just gazing into your eyes, to taste their lips, one kiss, a second, and one more after another and feeling like it’s the first time every time. What is it like to fall asleep next to someone on a Jack Daniels kind of Saturday night and find them drinking coffee right besides you the next morning?

A Story A Day #199 by M.D.L

[imachoua]

(via mingdliu)

So true right now..

[imachoua]

Yesss

I wanted to cry and so I watched "Kal Ho Naa Ho"

[imachoua]

your back

so broad. strong. and beautiful. i don’t like it when you walk away, but every time you do i am left satisfied with the sight of your back. i have to contain myself from running up and hugging you from the back because it crosses my mind way too often. the way you strut as if on a runway. i know i implied that you are not handsome, but your back makes you so desirable. i would say this is the best feature about you. the one thing that i don’t think i can get enough of, and the one thing that i will hate to stop seeing. and the sad part is, that will be the only thing that i will see. i will not be able to look you in the eye, or tell you terms of endearment for i am not qualified to take those actions. the only thing that i can do is stare at you from a distance. it may seem like a sad love story; however, being able to see your back and know that you are alive and healthy is really all that i ask for. so please keep leaving me speechless. keep walking away from me, and i will keep staring at you with satisfaction and regret.

[imachoua]

you

i told myself to forget you and made up my mind to not like you anymore, but i guess your defenses are stronger than mines. you have soldiers and men that are willing to fight and defend you when you r not as your strongest; whereas i have to adapt and change according to my surroundings. this game of cat and mouse that we are playing is getting tiresome. i am starting to lose my strength, my resolve, my determination over someone who will never be mine. don’t do this to me. i know that i was being bold by saying that i will tempt you with my charm;however, now, i am the one who cannot resist myself. i am infatuated and i don’t know how i will be able to stop myself, please don’t do this to me. ignore me. act like i cease to exist. and treat me as if i am another girl. i know i always think of myself as the exception; however, in this case, i am not. you are. so please make up your decision about who you want to be with. stop making me suffer and stop making it hard n your girlfriend. you are being selfish and me and your girlfriend both deserve the truth. i wish i can move to a different store, but i cannot. i want to let you know that you are being unfair to me, but i’m pretty sure you choose to ignore since you are pretty smart. please don’t do this to me. i am sitting here with the biggest contemplation: the fact that i am your boss, i cannot show any emotion, i must be professional, you have a girlfriend and you act like you are still single, and the fact that you see no boundaries when there are so many in front of you. what can i do to make you see things the way i see them? i thought i was selfish, but you make me look more selfless than ever. why am i so weak?  what can i do in defense from your charm? i ahte you, and yet i can’t stop thinking of you.

[imachoua]

i bid you adieu

i feel better than yesterday. my vision is clearer and i felt bad, at first, about saying all those things about you in front of you, but you needed to hear it. i wanted you to know that this is who i am as a person. someone who isn’t willing to wait around and ruin something that is going well for others. it’s not my style. it’s fun while it lasted but i have to admit, i got friend-zoned pretty hard. haha. it’s not the first time and it won’t be the last time, but i will live with no regrets. you will always be an option. and you will stay an option until you are free; only then, will you be my decision. but until that day, let’s coexist and be acquaintances. this short-lived dalliance that we had, was effervescent. at least that’s how i felt. being friends is not an option for me. i am selfish. either you are with me, or get out of my life. maybe one day i will come to the realization that your friendship is more important to me than anything else, but i’m not there yet. i am not mature or forgiving enough to be the bigger person and make you less troubled. do know this though, that i do want the best for you, and i will not stand in the way of you doing what’s best for yourself.

-Choua K Lee

[imachoua]

heavy cross

there is a feeling of numbness. wanting to feel, yet oblivious to any kinds of emotions that the world slaps across my face. there are actions that are empty, voices that are silenced, and people whose minds wander at a billion light years per second. i feel vulnerable and yet i cannot show it or own up to it. i feel every inch of my body being pin-pointed by the whole entire universe. i am breathing and yet it doesn’t feel like living. how will i continue this journey with no motivation or direction? i’ll keep on walking until i feel something again.

[imachoua]

assurance

thank you for doing the things you did. you helped me see the things that i couldn’t when i was blinded by my infatuation for your alluring demeanor. i was intrigued by the thought that maybe once and for all, i will be the one to be chosen. it’s okay if i’m not, but maybe, this time, i will. and you proved me wrong. thank you for assuring that love does exist. that you will not falter no matter how hard i tried. that this bond between superior and inferior should not exist. could not exist. i have told you that i will try my hardest, but i haven’t, and i won’t. because in the end, the only one who will get hurt is me. so now that i see it all clearly, i will stop myself before it gets to the point where you will occupy every part of my being. i will pull out this weed before it affect my whole garden of bliss. your only existence will be a mere memory in order for me to carry on with my head held high. i knew i was playing with fire, and for some reason i thought i could control you, but i got burned instead. this burn will heal, and it will leave a mark, reminding me of the last time i got hurt and reminding me that if i tried, it will happen again. being who i am, i will play with fire again, but not with your flame, for it burns too bright in the night. i will look for a flame that fits me that soothes me rather than burn. i am now convinced that you are where you need to be the most. autumn is only a few months away, and like the leaves, i too will drift away from my roots. and when i do, i will be where i am meant to be most, away from you.

-Choua K. Lee

[imachoua]

indirectly

today was incredible. and so we were both curious about a certain drink from Starbucks and our coworker said that this drink was ridiculously delicious. me, being a big fan of food wanted to try it but ended up buying my regular instead. you bought the drink. you knew i wanted to try it so you insisted that i tried it first. i thought, ‘should i drink through the straw? or directly from the cup?’ no regrets. no regrets repeats in my mind and so i took a sip from the straw. and then you took a sip from the straw as well. my heart flew away as i tried to calmly answer your questions. indirectness is something very borderline of sexy and innocence. it makes you curious and fills your minds with endless possibilities of the ‘what if’. it can make a girl lose her mind and bring her back to reality at the same time. it’s having a little taste without actually eating the whole thing. throughout the day, i would drop hints of wanting to have you, hoping you wouldn’t notice it. i’m pretty sure you did, but you probably chose to ignore it. i lost a part of myself in order to help another. and you saw what i had lost, and help me regain it back even though it was drenched in perspiration. i felt connected to you even if it was only for a little while, i wanted to believe that this is how it could be, how it should be, but it isn’t. i’m glad that i shared a moment of bliss with you, even if you, yourself, didn’t realize it. you really are an incredible human being and for the first time today, i laughed harder than i have ever laughed at my own jokes, and my jokes are pretty hilarious. you make me smile, you make me curious, you make me want to know more. but like i said before, i have to stop. and so i pray for the day that we will go our separate ways, and if our roads were to cross again and our situations were different, trust me i will not hesitate or even think twice about what i would do. but for now, i will enjoy your presence, your company, even if it is indirectly.

-Choua K. Lee

[imachoua]

hesitation

your silence sends shivers down my spine and caresses my every curve, telling me how mad you are and how disappointed you must be with me. what are you thinking about? what are you and her talking about? jealousy flows through me as naturally as breathing. why are you still with her when i hear all these things about how much you like me? i want to see you give in. i want to see you waver and doubt your own conscious. i want to see what i am capable of doing to you, but at the same time, i don’t. even more, i want to see you stick it out no matter how hard i try. i want you to believe that the girl you are with right now is the one you will grow old with and appreciate over time. i want you to prove me wrong so that i can believe that love does exist. i want to believe in you. that you will choose her over me, so that i won’t feel so bad about myself at the end of the day when i go to sleep. please do not give in. don’t fall for my laugh, my smile, or the way i yell at you when you do something wrong. i will do my best to make you hesitate, but please don’t fall for me, for i have already fallen for you.

-Choua K. Lee

[imachoua]

anticipation from tomorrow

what will tomorrow bring? will it bring laughter that brings us closer together? will it bring silence that tears us apart? or will it bring negligence just so we can coexist? these are the thoughts that fill my mind before i go to sleep; these will be the thoughts when i wake; and these will be the thoughts that i will think about before i see you again. will you smile? will you ignore me? will you sneak a glance at me when i am working my hardest? the more i talk, the more i get confused. the more i get confused, the more that the line that divides us, starts to disappear. and i see you for who you truly are: someone amazing, someone who i want to grow old with, someone to hold my hand when i am sick, and someone who will love me when i feel i deserve no love. you are the moon that brings peace to my soul and i am the sun that can feel no warmth.

-Choua K Lee

[imachoua]

"I want to taste her lips Yea Cause they tastes like you I want to drown myself In a bottle of her perfume I want her long blonde hair I want her magic touch Because maybe then You’d want me just as much I’ve got a Girl Crush"

“Girl Crush” by Little Big Town

[imachoua]

thoughts that render me tears

i told myself not to give in and that i would quit. i would stop liking him in order for him to stop liking me; but every time i see him, i want to make him laugh, make him cry. see what else that i can learn from him. what makes him mad, what inspires him, what drives him. i know it is wrong, but i can’t help but feel this way. i know that i am a cruel person and that i don’t deserve love in any way, shape, or form, and so i am afraid that once i have him, i wouldn’t want him anymore. because if he is happy now, he should stay where he is at and not take any risks when it comes to me. its not worth it. im not worth it. he deserves better and i hope he knows it too. “we accept the love we think we deserve” said Stephen Chbosky and in my case, i know i don’t deserve any.

-Choua K Lee

[imachoua]

honestly

when i look at Sam, i see myself in him. i understand him as a person completely and how i should talk to him or approach him about certain things. do i like Sam? sure, he’s attractive like an ocean calling me to go meet the waves, but its not where i see myself ending up. so i finally summed up the courage to tell Sam to stop teasing me about me liking Tim (he does this every so often). i told his brother that i didn’t like it even though secretly i did. i want to strip my title as their boss and just become vulnerable and indulge in feelings and gestures from him, but i can’t. and so i didn’t. his brother said, “Honestly, Tim likes you”. i won’t lie, that made me feel a little happy inside. like all my efforts in making him smile weren’t in vain, and that’s when i stopped it. i was not ready to lose my position, my well-being, my source of income over a man who is already taken. it wasn’t fair to me, and it was especially not fair to his girlfriend. i told Sam to tell him not to do it because it wouldn’t be fair to his girlfriend and the fact that i would never forgive myself for doing such a thing to another person. and so anxiety grows as the night welcomes an unwelcome tomorrow.

-Choua Lee

[imachoua]

choices

his brother said that he doesn’t like her and that he only cares for her as a friend, but i can tell. the way he looks at her, talks to her, smiles at her. its obvious that there could possibly be something else going on, and they both choose to ignore it. she likes the attention and he likes it when she smiles. and here i am knowing that either one of them will get hurt, and yet i still watch as if i don’t know what will happen.

-Choua K Lee