-sigh-
okay so... I dunno how to start this.
i’m writing this for myself because I can’t seem to find any other way to let it all out and if I do it somewhere else, all that’s gonna happen is that people are gonna come to me and start feeling sorry for me.. which I hate. so I hope I feel better after posting/writing this. here we go...
I feel like a failure. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I see Sergio knowing something’s wrong, but all I can say is “i’m okay” “i’m just tired” when in reality, it’s the complete opposite. i’m not okay. I am tired. tired of everything that’s going on. tired of me being a failure and doing absolutely nothing about it. I thought I went to school because I knew what I was gonna do with my life. I thought it was gonna be exciting at first and everything was gonna go my way. but it didn’t. I’ve been struggling so much in finding a decent job because I feel like I don’t have enough skill to do it. I haven’t been called to interpret anywhere for the past year and a half or so. everyone else (well... most of ‘em) are having the time of their lives. and me? well... i’m just here feeling sorry for myself. I try to make myself feel better but it just doesn’t work. I wanna go back to school but I don’t have the finances to do that right now. I try texting my aunt because she said she could hook me up with this job as a teacher aide for an elementary school (which in reality, isn’t that bad) but she never replies. and when she does, she just tells me “no mija, but I’ll text so and so to see if there’s any availability”. who are we kidding? there’s nothing available. thanks for getting my hopes up and trying to help.
i’m just disappointed in myself. I haven’t found that “thing” that I wanna do in my life. I wanna go back to school but like I said, I don’t have the finances for it and i’m not working so I can’t get the aide. you’d say, “but your parents steph. what about them?” or “what about Sergio? he’s working too isn’t he?”
1) I couldn’t with my parents because my dad earns a lot and so i’m not qualified.
2) Sergio can’t file because he doesn’t have the ITIN number crap that they need.
so that’s that.
i’m not trying to blame anybody or anything. because it’s nobody’s fault. it’s me. then again... what the hell can I do in the mean time? i’m sick and tired of doing nothing. i’m slowly creating my own little bubble again, where nobody (not even Sergio) can be able to get me out of. i’m slowly starting to get into my own little world again.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
Sergio’s trying to help and i’m really really eternally grateful for what he’s been doing but I sometimes think I don’t deserve him. he’s an amazing guy who’s been nothing but nice to me. he’s always been there for me in the good and bad. i’m legit very blessed to have a husband like him. I feel like I failed him as a wife and everything that comes with it. I’m trying to get myself out of this mentality but it’s all just getting deeper and deeper.
I feel like i’m mentally unstable and I don’t know what to do.
God, please help me out here. I’m really running out of options. I don’t know what to do anymore. Help me find a way out. please.
p.s.- no, i’m not gonna do anything stupid. i’m not gonna commit suicide. that’s not who I am anymore. like I said before, “I just needed a platform where I can get this out.”
<3
