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[frat--fag]

[frat--fag]

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my entire sexual history is blanketed by dissociation even in the interactions with people i trusted and cared for

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I saw your post about your pronouns being mirrored in whoever is talking to you. I had never heard of that before. But it made me wonder, instead of being uncomfortable when someone asks what your pronouns are, wouldn't it just be easier to use "they" to avoid confusion? Especially if you find yourself in a situation with multiple genders in the same place. I hope you don't mind the question. I am genuinely curious.

yes, it would be easierbecause that's much more within the framework of gender that we currently have & understandwhich is part of why i do it my way instead: i wanna burn gender to the groundbut like also, they feels impersonal, and on that level i just don't like it and i refuse to settle for what's easier for other people when it isn't what suits me best

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why do i spend so much energy agonizing about sex

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trying to sext with hot brats trying to manage my simultaneous excitement and discomfort around sex trying to figure out how to comfortably do that in as noncommittal a setting as a digital message exchange

my combination of feelings & experiences around sex have given me anxiety to the point where when someone *messages* me a sexual advance i clam up and can’t figure out how to respond

like, i just want to hand out disclaimers that are like “if you feel like you are getting mixed messages from me, please ask me about it! i am probably really into you but probably managing a lot of anxiety around actually engaging in sexual activity! these contradictory feelings create a lot of internal conflict that often manifests simply as me deflecting all sexual advances, even the ones i am totally interested in.” 

i have always been really good at performing sexuality and i think it has given a lot of people the impression that i have a voracious sexual appetite and i mean, i do have a voracious sexual appetite! but i also have a lot of difficulty and discomfort around how to satiate it so while the numbers would say i am not a slut successfully performing sluttishness still feels accurate it feels good to have people believe it but it also means i have fooled even the people that i want to be honest with

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thinking about sex envisioning ways that i can actually communicate effectively  envisioning ways that i can actually experience pleasure god i can’t believe it is has taken / is taking me this long just to shed these expectations of myself and stop doing what is supposed to feel good and start doing what actually does feel good: it is okay to tell people when i don’t enjoy the way i am being touched! i don’t need to protect them from feeling insulted!  i don’t need to go through things just because i haven’t done them if i’m not enjoying myself along the way!  seriously, none of this is genius, it has just taken me forever to get here:

-i really enjoy being touched in all kinds of ways in places other than my junk. the rest of my body is very responsive  -i have to be in charge of my junk; having someone else touch it has only ever been simultaneously boring and anxiety inducing -i like butt stuff -i am really into power play stuff that’s not specifically about sex acts. i really need to remember this, i really need to practice it. i have a lot of anxiety caught up in sexuality, and i have a hard time separating that from BDSM enough to really get into it. but i really really need to give myself more space & time to try. it is important, and i want it. it is a bit of a difficult catch 22: i’m not comfortable playing with someone until i know them & understand our chemistry, but if i don’t just start going to events, etc & meeting people then i am not giving myself any opportunities to connect with potential partners. but i can think of two people off the top of my head who i am drawn to, and would be interested developing these relationships with. i can start there. 

this has always been my problem: wanting the final draft to spill out of me, perfect and complete, on the first try. i hate doing the shitty first draft; it has always been agonizing for the manifestation of my grandiose vision to be so inadequate. it is time for me to let go of that habit. there is time. change happens over time, let it. bless a shitty first draft. let it be fun. allow time for glorious mistakes. accidents are wiser than i am, they always have been. let them have room to exercise their genius. 

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i watched a video of a birth in a moving vehicle that someone posted on facebook and dissociated so hard that i got nauseous and dizzy and my vision went blurry

i had been doing so well with my vag lately, i even really liked the way it smelled this past week--i mean, that oscillates, i flip unpredictably between mild affection, neutrality, and disgust at the smell of my own junk. but like, this week i had been into it! 

i mean i like to continually test my own boundaries and shit, but this is a strong reminder to be gentle

[swampcandy-blog]

transgender day of napping: december 4th!

mark your calendars! on december 4th im encouraging all trans ppl to stay indoors/home if possible, snuggle up in your bed or on a couch with a book, some tea/hot cocoa, grab a friendly woodland creature or pet for snuggles, and take a long, cozy comfy warm nap!! we deserve a day in which we recharge our batteries and not feel guilty abt it! reblog and tell all your transgender friends to participate in the transgender day of napping!!! happy napping!

[swampcandy-blog]

nap day is coming up soon

[alice-is-thinking]

I am so ready for this

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#Adele #hello #thanksgiving #thankful #joy #thatbitchwoman #beggingforit #puppyeyes

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like sexting how "I would love to get my tongue in there" i would, really, but like, i don't feel like saying that is actually sexy honestly the First Philosophical Book of Sexts is such an important document to me // contains way more eroticism than any of the sexting I've ever actually done

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like i am sexting/getting nudes from this super rad hottie who I'm really into and all i can feel is fear it's completely overwhelming my ability to feel arousal of any kind and engage with her flirtation. i'm super into her and i know she can feel me pulling back from the eroticism and i KNOW that reads as not being into it which really disappoints me because I am REALLY REALLY INTO IT WHAT DO I DO HELP

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what do you do when a hot cool person starts getting steamy with you!!!! legit i am so lost like i can feel my own anxieties getting in the way of actually experiencing arousal and expressing sexuality. i know it's a mental block and i have no idea how to get around it but it's holding me back and i am so fucking tired of it, i'm tired of 26 years of anxious erotic interaction is it even possible for sexuality to not be a site of trauma? is the eroticization of trauma the only way out? literally what do i do

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the Queen is ready to meet her subjects. We will be in attendance at @duckduckbar tomorrow from 5 to 7 or until she demands to go home, whichever comes first. Please come pay your respects. 🎀💎👑🐶👑💎🎀

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beauty sleep the house down

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#yellowperiod #fuchsiaforever

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ITS #WOMAN YALL // look at this miracle who I get to have in my life // infinite thanks to @sugarmuttsrescue for bringing us together