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Someone is coming

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, All of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had…

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Do you know what I think?

Fred and Mary get married but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night. In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, “No”. Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?” His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! Just go to school.” Johnny comes home…

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Oh God,I'm coming!

Oh God,I’m coming!

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven… which part of your body goes first?” Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.” Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?” Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a…

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Hold on, let me get my hat

A guy is walking down the street with some chicken wire under his arm. His neighbor sees him and asks what he has. The guy replies, “It’s chicken wire and I’m going to catch some chickens.” His neighbor says, “You fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire.” Later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 chickens. The next day he sees him walking down the street with…

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You got a heart murmur A 92-year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

Such a nice house! An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out.

Because you got an F

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?” The mother looks over at the little girl, “Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn’t polite.” the mother warns. “Ok,” the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?” “Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions and are really none of your…

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Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit Three guys are fishing when Fred gets up to get a beer, loses his balance and falls out of the boat.

Hickory dickory dock A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' "

What they want and what they get

What women want What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are. What they get What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him. What men want What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off…

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I'll have it enlarged

I’ll have it enlarged

The leading couple of this joke consists of a husband and a wife. The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed. “Well, I’ve seen you naked. You don’t need that towel,” says the husband. “I just feel more comfortable this way,” the wife responds. “But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state,” continues the husband. The wife gets suspicious…

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I spent the night with Shirley! "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

Re-bait the trap

Nathan and Hannah are celebrating Nathan’s 50th birthday on a cruise ship. Suddenly, on the evening of the 4th day, whilst they are standing at the back of the ship watching the moon, a storm develops from out of nowhere and a wave comes up and washes Hannah over the side. She can’t swim and although they search for her all day, they can’t find her. At their next port of call, the captain sends…

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Sweets or money!? I don't know what's happening in this country. You've got school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children. It's a nightmare - you don't know whether to carry sweets or money.

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more…

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Things I've Learned From Watching Movies

Things I’ve Learned From Watching Movies

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread. It’s…

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Pink bits taste amazing! Scientists have found that women share the same DNA as prawns. Their heads are full of shit but their pink bits taste amazing!!

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